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Do people really enjoy sex with their partners?!

(96 Posts)

Silly thread title I know!

Basically DP and I went to DTD last night but he couldn't erm...get it up properly. I said don't worry we can try again later etc.

He got a bit embarassed and blamed me for not grooming myself, not putting any effort into it and only wanting it when it's baby making time. Ok all of this is true... Is it bad of me??

I felt upset - because it's true. So rolled over and fell asleep.

I don't look after myself anymore because I simply can't be bothered to groom and wear nice undies. I'm always tired and just want to do what needs doing...is this selfish of me?

Yes it's true that I only want to have sex when I'm ovulating because I don't enjoy the sex and his slobbery kisses make me cringe. Also hence why I don't put any effort in as I want it just to be over.

Honest opinions please, but not too harsh smile

I know this isn't doing DP's self esteem any good but it's not nice for me either and I wish I could change overnight. Because that's what normal people do isn't it, have mad loving sex all the time?!

DP is 29, I'm 25 and we've been together for around 6 and Half years. Have a lovely home and 22 month old DD.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 17-Mar-14 09:54:41

And the two of you are together why?

FrigginRexManningDay Mon 17-Mar-14 09:57:08

Did you ever enjoy sex with your partner?

EatShitDerek Mon 17-Mar-14 09:57:19

Yes it's true that I only want to have sex when I'm ovulating because I don't enjoy the sex and his slobbery kisses make me cringe. Also hence why I don't put any effort in as I want it just to be over

I see why he feels that way then.

Because we really do love each other, we make each other laugh, I get his extreme weirdness and he gets mine. The only flaw in our relationship is in the bedroom really. Obviously we row about bills and chores but nothing major and all he's got to do is say something funny and I'm over it.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 17-Mar-14 09:59:21

But you appear to be sexually incompatible.

missmuffettxx Mon 17-Mar-14 10:00:16

is the "getting it up" a longstanding problem, or is this something new?

Grooming / nice undies - ok you could be doing this, but does he show any appreciation when you do this, give you time to do this (i.e. do his fair share of chores so you actually have time to groom yourself)? And what effort does he make with his grooming?

does he make any effort in bed with you, or is it all about you pleasing him?

If he is not being a great partner during the day (e.g. you feel completely taken for granted and you are doing everything) then you may well not feel like DTD, especially when you are probably really tired with childcare.

bertieboo Mon 17-Mar-14 10:00:25

Been with my husband for 10 years and I still fancy him and enjoy having sex with regularly him. I keep myself in good shape (could do better) and am always well groomed.
Why don't you want to look the best you can for you??
I appreciate having a toddler is exhausting but you are more than a mother. Your self confidence sounds pretty low.
What do you do for yourself?

HorseyTwinkleToes Mon 17-Mar-14 10:00:29

Yes I do.

I'd be pretty pissed off with him if he ever said to me it was my fault he couldn't get it up, especially if I reacted nicely as you did. But then again I'd be pissed off if I was fully aware that my partner only wanted sex for baby making purposes and made no attempt to hide that fact.

You don't sound very compatible really.

Yes I used to love the sex friggin but it had kinda fizzled out..for me anyway.

Thanks eatshitderek I can completely see why he feels the way he does and I don't blame him. But I don't know what to do from here. I could pretend but that would in turn make me really unhappy. Sorry another selfish comment!

bertieboo Mon 17-Mar-14 10:02:44

I'm not always in the mood and sometimes have to "fake it to make it"...... Then I always get into it. Would you be willing to try that?

lavenderhoney Mon 17-Mar-14 10:02:44

Your self esteem seems a bit low as well, as looking after yourself is about being nice for yourself really.

Have you any idea why you don't bother? Is it to subconsciously put him off? Does he make an effort?

Bowlersarm Mon 17-Mar-14 10:03:44

Yes still enjoy sex after almost 30 years together. Sometimes it's a bit of an effort, and dh would say we don't have sex enough, but I couldn't say it's not enjoyable.

It's worth working on, and resolving the issues you have.

Onlyconnect Mon 17-Mar-14 10:05:44

I find I go through phases of enjoying sex with my DP and phases of being less interested. I consider this normal but would not consider it normal if I was uninterested for long periods of time. I'd do believe sex is very important in a relationship. I think, especially taking into account your young age, that you should look at getting some help with this. In the long run it could cause really big problems.

Hedgehead Mon 17-Mar-14 10:05:55

It's a catch 22 because you want your DP to love and be attracted to you for you, whether or not you're groomed. You think that's part of the deal of "someone really loving you." But when he can't get it up you think his love must be flimsy or based solely on you being groomed, so you think why do I even bother?

Try bothering, just for a little bit, and it will at least make your own self esteem better, if not your sex life.

Helltotheno Mon 17-Mar-14 10:07:24

You don't fancy him. Leave and stay friends..

RRRJ83 Mon 17-Mar-14 10:07:47

I think he was embarrassed and took it out on you. It was a bit mean, but then so are you for saying his slobbery kissing makes you cringe. Why don't you 'groom yourself' just once to see if it makes you feel differently about the bedroom...it might show to him that that's not the problem either.

Please note though that I strongly believe you should only 'groom yourself' for you and not him. I just think it might work for you psychologically if you try to change your approach to the bedroom as about feeling sexy with him rather than making babies...

robindeer Mon 17-Mar-14 10:09:04

Oh dear. No, that's not normal. It sounds like you're disgusted by your dp! I don't want to sound harsh but I will say that I find my partner attractive and yes, I enjoy sex with him. I have been in a relationship where I got to the same stage you're at though and it was somebody I was with from being young, much like your relationship. Sorry op, no words of comfort there, perhaps someone else can share a different experience.

Nocomet Mon 17-Mar-14 10:09:49

confused we met as students, grooming, nice underwear??? Clean was the most either of us could manage.

I came back for more, because almost 26 years ago I found a mad quirky scientist who knew how to kiss and who seemed to want to kiss me (and wasn't afraid to continue that kiss into sex and it was fun)

All those years and two DDs later it still works, less often, but it's still special and it's still fun.

Thanks for all replies smile nice to know there's people here to help!

muffet the "getting it up" part is definitely new and happened for the first time last night.

As for the grooming, he doesn't always make himself look his best either. I tend not to because I'm quite happy how I am...I think. So most days I don't wear make up because I'm comfortable without it or I don't always shave my legs because they're not out in this weather.. Having said all that, I do look at other mothers who have 2 or 3 kids and wonderfully made up and think "wow I wish I could put all that effort into my appearance" the only time I do so is when I'm off out for a night out.

We used to have great sex and I enjoyed dressing up for him, but then I wonder if that's because i was 18 and a lot slimmer. Or is that just an excuse??

I look to the future and all I see is him and our family. I just need a way to get round this.

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Mar-14 10:10:43

I'm afraid I can see your husbands POV.

I came out of a relationship with a guy who had a very high sex drive and into a relationship with my DP who's sex drive is considerably lower (by his own admission) and I do miss being able to get DP as worked up as I could get my ex.

I don't mean that as a criticism, but just that there is something very sexy about having someone really hot for you and getting very passionate and fiery about it.

Your sex life does sound a bit limp. You can't be bothered to put in any effort to look sexy, he knows you are only instigating sex because you want a second child. I think you are both too young to have gotten into this rut and you really do risk a break up in the future if you don't make any effort to solve it.

How is your self esteem? Do you feel attractive?

ouryve Mon 17-Mar-14 10:13:31

We don't do it very often, but usually enjoy it, when we can be arsed.

It sounds like you and your DH don't actually like each other very much.

ravenmum Mon 17-Mar-14 10:13:48

When you say you are always tired, do you mean all the time, or just the times when he wants to make love?

If you are tired all the time, could this be any form of illness or depression?

If it is just when he wants to make love, does he come to bed later than you and then expect you to wake up and perfoem according to his schedule? Any way you can arrange a schedule that suits you both?

Do people really find it normal for women to have to wax their pubes these days, to please their husband? I'm glad no-one has ever suggested that my natural hair was in any way offputting: I'd be furious. What a cheek!

Lovely story nocomet smile

And thanks everyone for your feedback and advice.

I think many of you are right in suggesting I make more of an effort with my appearance to see if that helps with my self esteem. I am left on my own a lot of the time I mean without DP. I work so my colleagues are the people I socialise with the most and then of course my daughter.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 17-Mar-14 10:19:08

It's great, after years together.

But I think we're lucky. Never had this connection with any other partner-it would get dull after a year at best.

Oh, and my legs are like gnarled, hirsute, lichen-covered oak stumps, incidentally.

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