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H won't go- stepped up the manipulation another level

(151 Posts)
PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 11:01:59

Beginning of Nov I told him to leave, he said he won't go, said we can fix things
He's a liar, cheat. Whores, strippers, fwb.
I cannot forgive or forget what he's done.
He was supposed to have found somewhere by now, I've been at my parents
He has threatened suicide
On Wed, he text me to tell me he thought he was having a heart attack, I was 5 hours away
The hospital is 10 minutes
He went to work yesterday, wouldn't go to hospital last night
Supposedly taking himself now
But all huffy and big sighs, presumably because I'm showing no emotion, didnt even go up the stairs

He's a liar, the things he's lied about before are shocking.
I have to keep telling myself it's just another controlling manipulative method
But it's so hard

Can you help me through this

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 13:30:54

Good choice. You have shown him sympathy by answering his phone calls after treating you so awfully for years.

cece Sat 04-Jan-14 13:35:41

With regards to getting him out of the house, I would get the solicitor on the case asap. Can they force someone out of the house legally?

Lovingfreedom Sat 04-Jan-14 13:39:27

As others have said these are standard tactics for a controlling partner reeling you back in. Resist. The NHS will sort him out if there's really anything wrong with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 13:44:50

A solicitor can't exactly force someone out of the house but, by processing the divorce, this sets a lot of things in train ... financial settlements, house sales, etc.... that make it far more difficult for Mr Sticky McSticky to cling on by the fingertips. The police OTOH can exclude someone if they become aggressive.

cece Sat 04-Jan-14 13:57:29

OK, wasn't sure how it works. Thanks for clarifying.

PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 14:20:34

No problem with heart or lungs
He's clear to come home

PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 14:21:36

Now at some point he's going to give me grief for bit taking him/not caring etc
Oh joy

colditz Sat 04-Jan-14 14:25:13

"I don't have to care, I'm not yr wife any more because you treated me appalling y and I want you to leave"

-- wah wah suicide blah--

""No, I don't care, I'm not obliged to care, I have no duty of care to you and I want you to leave"

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 04-Jan-14 14:28:19

Just keep pushing forward with the divorce

No big surprises here

Watch out for him getting physical when his attempts at emotional blackmail fall on deaf ears. The minute that happens, call the police

Twiggy71 Sat 04-Jan-14 14:29:32

Honestly just show him from now on in the way things will be your relationship in over. He treated you cruelly and never showed you any concern when he was playing away. My exh five years later still tries to manipulate me through his ill health or any other way he can. Stand up to him now and save yourself a lifetime of his moaning and sob stories I wish I had..

Good luck. x

Walkacrossthesand Sat 04-Jan-14 14:35:51

A youngish person complains of chest pain soon after a long haul flight. The modern health service will run lots of tests on a 'just in case' basis - that doesn't make him any more seriously ill than he was before the tests were done. Tests were negative so what he had was unexplained chest pain could be attention-seeking/'stress'. Not 'I could have died and you wouldn't have cared'. Nothing to stop you visiting him, if you feel so inclined, if he's critically ill on a life-support machine - but you are no longer his 'support' for everyday blips, he lost that when he dicked around. Tough.

Patilla Sat 04-Jan-14 14:41:35

He isn't within your circle of people you care for any more.

Disengage and get on with your plans for the day.

Personally I'd be out when he gets home living it up at the sales or going for a nice swim/walk/coffee.

clam Sat 04-Jan-14 14:48:59

Why is the fact that the hospital "ran tests" any more cause for concern? It's standard procedure. He told them he had pain; they checked it out. Negative. Go home time-waster.

pointythings Sat 04-Jan-14 15:47:15

Just keep on with the divorce. He's had all the sympathy he deserves from you and more - he deserves none IMO. Grow that shell around yourself for a while, until he is out of your life and work towards getting rid of him so that you can start living the life you deserve. You are not unfeeling and uncaring, you are protecting yourself.

Lweji Sat 04-Jan-14 16:14:19

At this point I'd confirm that I couldn't care less if he was alive or death.

And if he did die, it would make things easier.

(ok, I wouldn't, really, at least the last part, but would definitely think it)

In any case, do tell him that even though you are still in the same house, you are separated, you want distance from him and he should not rely on you for anything. Then show him some nice flats/houses you found for him.

Be prepared for having to leave yourself for peace of mind, though.

happytalk13 Sat 04-Jan-14 16:43:00

Keep up with not engaging with his behaviour - you are doing a grand job at that. He wants control back, wants you to jump through his hoops. I'd only do contact through e-mail at this point - for me it helps to remain dis-engaged.

As for sympathy - the closest I'd get to that is, "Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling unwell. Hope you can get it sorted." Nothing more.

Allergictoironing Sat 04-Jan-14 17:03:50

An ex wife would show some sympathy surely?

A CURRENT wife might, but the important word in your question there is "ex". Mild sympathy by all means, as in "oh sorry to hear you are ill" (if he really is) & maybe send a very neutral get well soon card if he's actually in hospital for any length of time for a procedure, but certainly no more than you might for a work associate or casual acquaintance.

As others above said - if there was anything really wrong with him, the hospital would have kept him in or at least given him a referral so he can wave that under your nose & say "see, I really am ill now pander to my every desire". They sent him home with a clean bill of health, so he should be fine.

RandomMess Sat 04-Jan-14 17:04:50

When he just tries to give you grief, I'd raise your eyebrows and say "why do you think I would care after everything you put me through, IT IS OVER"

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 04-Jan-14 17:06:36

I think the best thing is to default to the "If you don't like it, then fuck off like you said you would" every time he whines about how "unsupportive" you are

PPaka Sat 04-Jan-14 17:28:00

So he came home by himself
I honestly didnt think there was anything wrong with him, but there's always a tiny doubt
Anyway, took 5 minutes before he was shouting at me because I opened a letter for him by mistake( genuine)
That led on to a bigger row, with me trying to explain that he doesn't get to complain about anything I do/say/don't do anymore
One of the things he complained about was that I didn't take ds out shopping to buy presents for him
I had to point out that he's lucky he got anything at all

So he's not backing down, says he wants me. Blah blah
I've told him he disgusts me, can't look at him, don't want him anywhere near me

Says he will get hotel, not ready to get flat yet, whatever just get out
I want a clean break, I think hotels is just prolonging the agony and I can't move on, but if he needs a hotel for 2 wks, it's the same price as rent.
Part of the problem is that he doesn't think he can afford it, he can. He's delusional.
He actually should speak to a solicitor. Because right now he has no clue

He's gone to get some food

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 04-Jan-14 17:31:12

food for what ?

pointythings Sat 04-Jan-14 17:33:48

As long as you are not cooking meals for him, he can get what he damn well wants. He needs to know that he is not welcome, so you do nothing for him - not cooking, not laundry, nothing at all. And if he fucks off to a hotel at least he is gone.

Have you made sure that he cannot get run off with all the money and that you have copies of all the paperwork relating to home ownership etc.? He could turn nasty any time, be ready.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-Jan-14 17:39:36

I'd be packing his suitcase and cheerily waving him off before he changes his mind on the hotel idea. Once he's out of the house it would be a great big opportunity to keep him out.

BTW... Someone has to actually have a heart to have heart problems smile

GoldfishCrackers Sat 04-Jan-14 17:44:22

He's not very imaginative, is he? He's following the script to the letter. (Nice-nasty-'now I'm having a heart attack' cycle). You might even find that he pretends to be suicidal next. None of this is very attractive, and even if it were, it wouldn't make up for the lying and cheating.
OP he's not the sort of man whose opinion matters on anything - especially not how to treat people. You're doing the right thing, don't doubt yoursel.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 04-Jan-14 18:12:44

Frankly, I'd have a locksmith on speed dial for the next time he leaves the house! My best friend was in a similar situation and it dragged out so long that she ended up leaving their jointly owned home to preserve her sanity (and her DS). My own DH got her H out for the day on a pretext whilst a group of us moved her unbeknownst to him, as he had told her 'you will leave when I tell you you can leave' and had threatened to harm her. He ended up stopping paying the mortgage and they lost the house to foreclosure. She said if she had it to do again, she would have spent that day changing the locks and putting his belongings in the yard in bags instead of moving herself.

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