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I think my husband has left me.

(394 Posts)
Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:44:26

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

mistlethrush Thu 23-Jan-14 23:03:06

<passes towel>

Do what you need for yourself and your children. Stuff the rest!

Ohbyethen Thu 23-Jan-14 17:14:40

Ha, true. I am now having a wry smile over that, thank you Nauticant.

It's still so baffling to me, so heartbreaking. But detachment and keeping on with the practical will see us through to the edges of the bigger picture and a better time. I absolutely won't but I would like to get away from them all, shield my babies in a bubble of happiness and all who reside in it love them totally so they are never touched by indifference, feeling that one parent who should be their staunchest ally in fact is not troubling himself with their wellbeing.
That all their grandparents would move hell and high water for them.
I can manage that treatment of me because however I feel adult, romantic love is conditional. But the love for your children being so easily cast aside is like a clutch of razor blades when I think about it.

So we say 'Good bye and thanks for all the fish, so sad it had to come to this...' I'm humming it a lot, cheerily hoping I can laugh through some of the darkest moments. Knowing there is no brand new replica being rebuilt for us to move back into as if the Earth wasn't blown to smithereens.
We have our towels and we Don't Panic.

stooshe Thu 23-Jan-14 16:47:32

Delurking, OP. Have courage and keep on keeping on. I can't think of anything else to say. I am amazed at your courage and the ability to see the bigger picture, no matter what is thrown at you. You have a good heart. Don't make anybody take that away from you.

nauticant Thu 23-Jan-14 16:31:09

Are you not grimly amused OP to see that the FIL's letter is actually your username?

Anyway, I'm sorry that you've had such an ordeal, and a spectacularly fucked-up Christmas, but at least you now know the only way forward is pure practicality, distancing yourself as much as you can from this fucked-up family, and to focus on your kids and yourself.

Ohbyethen Thu 23-Jan-14 16:19:57

He wrote to me, received the letter today.
Basically a ' so sad, appreciate your input, see ya'.
Fil that is, not stbexh.
While I want to write back I suspect it would be better to just go through solicitors and deal with h.
It feels so unjust.
But then life isn't fair and stating it has never changed things.
I have fired people with more thought, care and consideration. But it could have been worse, so silver linings time I suppose.

springysofa Thu 23-Jan-14 09:46:48

*his role model

springysofa Thu 23-Jan-14 09:46:26

FIL sounds like a thug. An ignorant brute.

Ex may be making the 'right' noises at present but I tend to think he's a cardboard box with a wet bottom: liable to go at any time - particularly with the weight of family, commitments... actually, the weight of life . Look at who is male role model was hmm

I'm not surprised a heavy sigh is your default setting at the mo. It's been a monumental headfuck, all in. ((hug))

Ohbyethen Thu 23-Jan-14 05:24:52

Quite!
It would be lovely if they would just bloody tell me though instead of me having to feel like I need to invest in thumb screws to get even the simplest response.

Heavy sigh seems to be my default setting at the moment! Worst Christmas present ever. Except the Christmas that my grandmother died. I might skip it this year.

Allergictoironing Wed 22-Jan-14 20:20:09

" It's hard to answer questions here - valid, sensible and pertinent questions - when I don't have the answer."

Look on these questions you don't (yet) know the answer to as a list of things that you do need to find out. OK many of them you may already know you need to sort out, but there's likely to be a few questions on here that you hadn't even thought of smile

Ohbyethen Wed 22-Jan-14 19:28:53

Excellent advice as usual and noted.
Fil...don't know is the honest answer,but all experience tells me it is highly unlikely. All I can do is what I have done (write to them both -pil divorced- as neutraly as possible and offered continued contact and being reasonable) I can't force them to talk to me.
I'm getting dumped by them all it seems, I assume they are quite happy that they will see the dc when they are with their dad.

I'm trying and I'm doing my best but I am still very much groping around in the dark. I'm talking but nobody seems to be listening, or if they are it's not translating into talking back to me. It's hard to answer questions here - valid, sensible and pertinent questions - when I don't have the answer. A lot of forging forward has been done on the basis of dealing with practicalities and my own supposition. How flawed that supposition is or isn't I don't really know - before now I would have predicted his behaviour pretty successfully, this reassured me I knew him - now I'm trying to predict his next moves off the back of not even a month's history. Truth is I don't know him any more, or what he will do and his parents less so - they have completely ditched us.
I'm trying to be positive so I don't crumble as there is noone else to pick up the slack so I don't feel particularly obliged to belly crawl any more. It's unlikely I would have got Fil onside before all this as he is a monumental dick (who didn't like me working, not providing acceptable grandchildren, having fertility problems even though they were H's etc etc) so I can't quite muster the enthusiasm to creep now.
My dc will not suffer if I don't so I won't.
I have done my damndest to be reasonable and make things go smoothly and have had bugger all consideration in return. So I will continue to be reasonable, have offered an olive branch but as that has all been summarily ignored I am using my energy on the important people, my children. I'm obstructing no one but it's time for other people to take some responsibility.

Of course, that may change tomorrow if I am not having an angry and hurt day. Because today all I want to say is a great big fuck off. It's been a difficult one and I'm probably just tired.

DIYapprentice Wed 22-Jan-14 11:19:00

I've just caught up with your thread. Gosh, you have been through so much!

I'm glad you can come onto MN and get all of this off your chest.

I think you should document the facts with as little emotion as possible.

Your soon to be exH wants to just jack the job in, knowing he will be financially supported by his family.

Document that he has said that - if he does it, document that as well.

Document how much you are spending and how much (or, more to the point, how little he is spending).

When it comes time for the courtcase for the division of assets a judge can look at this behaviour, and award you a greater share of the assets as he has taken deliberate actions to not financially support his family. YOU will need those assets because he is clearly showing with his behaviour that he has no intention of doing the honourable thing. Judges generally don't like seeing husbands/fathers behave like that.

BTW, a family solicitor might be free for him, but they will not be specialists in family law so could easily overlook things that a specialist divorce/family solicitor won't.

Is there anyway of getting your FIL on side? Does he want to see his grandchildren regardless of his own son?

If you could prevent your FIL seeing you as a family adversary that might help you.

Lweji Portugal Wed 22-Jan-14 11:00:38

And he's tried the tough approach, of threatening not paying for the children, selling the house, etc. That didn't work as he expected, so he's on plan B now.

So typical!

MissScatterbrain Wed 22-Jan-14 10:18:21

I agree he is playing nice on purpose...to keep his options open.

He seems to be all "me, me, me" - how he has lost everything, he is the one being punished etc. Nothing about how he has devastated you and his family, the pain you all are in and so on. He is so self absorbed. You cannot be with someone like this as he will never take your feelings into consideration.

Lweji Portugal Wed 22-Jan-14 05:50:32

Just reading your last update, he's probably being nice because he knows you're on the way out and still wants to keep the door open.
He must have had a rude wake up call and is trying to backtrack now, seeing what he stands to lose. sad

Glad you've got legal support and a plan.

Ohbyethen Wed 22-Jan-14 00:02:42

Right, solicitors seen and plan starting to come together I think.

Unfortunately he has been so lovely today. I have been spurred on to make concrete plans for out security because of his actions. I encouraged GP visit etc purely for him, he hasn't been taking his ADs long enough for them to be the cause of it so one the one hand I think you could control this and you chose to be so cruel, on the other I wonder if it's due to the fact I made a move to get gone and the good mood is just the joy and relief. Both options make me feel like crap. I keep having to fight the urge to hug him, try and make it all not have happened, but there really is too much water under the bridge. He says he feels like he's lost everything and he was punishing himself, that he's sorry. It's true he's lost everything but he mostly punished us, he doesn't want us to go or stay. I can't make that ok. Even if I could forgive him, how many years could I live in uncertainty before we crumbled? I begged him not to say and do some of the things he did if he wasn't 100% - now he's not and that's really sad.

Anyway we're here at the end of the line, it's just the practicalities now. Thanks to all of you for being here & keeping me going, it has been a hard and lonely time and you have been amazing. Thank you thanks

Ohbyethen Sun 19-Jan-14 22:50:34

Tinsel - I'm sorry you're facing the same. It's really shitty. I think I'm struggling with the complete lack of reasons - I'm sure there are some but buggered if I know! Thank you for that though, even though I feel a buffoon! I hope everything gets easier for you soon.
I'll 'sort' yours if you do mine. Criss cross grin wink

Ohbyethen Sun 19-Jan-14 22:45:18

I wonder what will make him take responsibility for himself and see that he has squandered honest opportunities to be supported in favour of being so melodramatic. That actually he's doing himself as much harm as anyone. Maybe a judge treating him as he is behaving, not the person he thinks he is would do it?
I'd prefer un-messy but we'll have to see!

TinselTownley Sun 19-Jan-14 22:44:42

Ohbyethen, in the last day since my own husband dropped the bombshell and seemingly deleted our years together like he was emptying the waste paper bin on his desktop, I have read this whole thread and couldn't admire you more. I wish I could offer you some comfort but I can't figure out my own fluctuating state of mind right now. What I would like to do is say how inspiring your strength, care and eloquence is. I am so sorry for all you have been put through. The man's clearly an idiot.

SanityClause Sun 19-Jan-14 22:38:02

Someone DH knows recently went through a fairly nasty divorce. He was unfaithful, and she, unsurprisingly, took no prisoners as far as the settlement was concerned.

Apparently, he threatened to give up his job, or at least asked what would happen if he did. The judge gave him short shrift!

Ohbyethen Sun 19-Jan-14 22:27:10

Lweji - heard no whispers about sacking. He hates this job now and just wants to jack it in. It would not surprise me in the least if supporting the children has just utterly failed to occur to him in his little bubble of glee that he can just fuck it all off.

Ohbyethen Sun 19-Jan-14 22:22:11

Yes, fight was probably the wrong word. It's just today I'm finding it hard not to feel adversarial. I want to knock his head against the wall until he snaps out of it. Because everything leads to more things for me to deal with, with dc/house/pets because he isn't/won't and they suffer if I decline.
I just want to get to a point where I can just plod along dealing with practicalities without it feeling like a visceral pain. Truth is if he turned to me now and took it all back, asked to start again I would say no. And I would turn him down - so why can I be so clear about that but not stop wanting that exact thing to happen?
It's like giving myself a poke in the eye.

I'm in bed cuddling the dogs. I can keep them happy at least!

TeenyW123 Sun 19-Jan-14 16:49:08

You don't have to fight him. All you want is to be assertive. Assertive as to what's best for the children first, then you. Stand your ground. In fact, be a bit cheeky and ask for slightly more than you could reasonably expect, then you can "compromise".

shoom Sun 19-Jan-14 16:38:28

The razor! Inspired! grin

I hope the legal advice reassures you about what he can do without your consent. Hopefully very little, apart from move out.

Lweji Portugal Sun 19-Jan-14 13:10:16

Are you sure he's leaving the job and not being sacked?

Regardless, he is reaching new depths of bad parenting if he is simply trying to avoid CSA.

Ohbyethen Sun 19-Jan-14 11:58:49

I know, it's ridiculous. Thing is I'm sure he knows it too, so maybe it's posturing, maybe he has just forgotten? Either way he won't be proceeding on his terms.

Due to everything I will probably need to get the house sold, unfortunate but, so it's not a case of being able to just keep it and fend him off (relatively easily done). I looked at CSA to try and get an idea of financial input from him. I just get a plan together and he does something to make me have to get a new one. He told me he's giving up work and will live like a little Prince at his mother's (so she's back on board is she?!) He won't be claiming anything, daddy will pay.
Sol appt tomorrow, he will be using his family's so I don't need to go creating a conflict of interest around town which is a shame as I imagine that is both useful and satisfying! Will be getting more than one opinion though to try and ensure I get someone who gels with me and makes a lot of the right noises - I want to attempt to avoid issues I know other MNers have had with poor representation.

In reality there is little he can do currently and I hold all the cards. His father is taking little interest in events. I'm holding on to that positive to get through picking over the bones of our life. It's exactly as shocking as seeing your healthy horse keel over 2 furlongs from home.
If he gets his father involved I may have a big problem, but currently he's just managing to reign himself in enough to not start something. He knows I'm going to fight him and he knows I will do it alone regardless of how much my family want him back or support him so I think he's just being too chicken shit to really let loose all of his selfish ideas (like all the money and house and car etc).

What I didn't do yesterday was have a therapeutic think whilst clutching his life insurance certificate. It definitely had nothing to do with the loose stair he hasn't fixed even though it's only him that falls down it. Because that would have been equally childish.
I sadly have to admit I used his razor to shave every bit of body hair I could find, cleaned it out with the nail brush and tidied away the new blades so they were safe nd sound. Still waiting to feel bad for such awful behaviour. It'll happen soon probably.

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