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How predictable, another husband and porn thread

(133 Posts)
jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 20:06:37

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

jadeddazedandconfused Fri 29-Nov-13 22:55:16

The other thing that puts me off taking this to a counsellor is their duty bound confidentiality policy: if I go in saying I'm worried about his predilections and I have two daughters is that they might report me to SS and then the trouble will really start.
I have no evidence of anything and I'm aware that I probably sound like I'm putting barriers up but I don't want to be the talk of the town. I have a very responsible job and I don't know what else to say. I am tired and spent.
Could I go to a counsellor for support with leaving my marriage without mentioning the elephant in the room?!

I was in the middle of a gripping and lighthearted book , I can't decide whether to pick it up and try to read or to just try and go to sleep. I'm meant to be meeting a group of friends in the morning with our kids but I don't know if I can have a normal conversation, they are not close friends and I feel like I am the dirty one with a big red arrow over my head.

Why did I get the fucking faulty husband? He ticked all the right boxes except one and now I'm realising that that missing tick was the most important one and I ignored it at my peril.

On the other hand I wouldn't be the proud mother of two beautiful children if I hadn't met him so it must have been meant to be? They are my everything and I so want to give them the best of everything.

PenguinDancer Sat 30-Nov-13 00:20:33

I'm not someone that has huge issues with porn in a relationship as a deal breaker. The feminist argument aside.

However your posts are flagging up my own feelings/thoughts in my last relationship. It all sounds so familiar. I later found out that he had serious issues with porn and sex and quite possible, almost likely, peado feelings which he danced around occasionally.

Get out. Get out now. You will gain more than you will lose.

Aussiemum78 Sat 30-Nov-13 05:25:31

Peodophiles come in all shapes and sizes...I think you need to be open to the possibility he looks at child porn and may be a pedophile.

Are you in the uk? Are there any child abuse organizations you could get advice from? Australia has bravehearts. Failing that, would you talk to the police and see what they say...

stillcryinginside Sat 30-Nov-13 06:28:38

Oh my love you must be feeling dreadful with all this going on :-(

Mainstream porn is not an issue with me, I can take it or leave it and have no objections whatsoever with people using it. But the lying and replacing it with lack of intimacy in your own relationship is no doubt going to make you feel like shit! And that's not fair of him.

I can totally understand your sensitivity to child abuse, I am very similar. I was abused myself when I was 11 and feared telling anyone for years. It does have a huge impact on you and I think makes you more vigilant (or paranoid as some may say).

In your position I would absolutely have to no if there was more going on, it's my role as a parent to protect my children to the very best if my ability. I feared telling my mum what had happend; a) because of the threats that my abuser made, b) because I was worried how my mum would cope and what it might do to my family and c) because I'd been brainwashed into believing everyone would blame and hate me. With all the will in the world I think most parents think their children would tell them, or they would know if something wasn't right or something was going on. My mum never suspected anything, I locked it away in a separate box in my mind and thought about it as though it had happened to someone else and not me so I didn't have to feel the pain. My abuser was a family man with 2 DC of his own.

I'm not trying to frighten you with the idea that your children are at risk but it is possibly something we need to consider however rare, can and sadly does occur in families.

Believe me, I love my DH faults and all and we've been through some tough times, but I can honestly say if I had the slightest inkling that he had a penchant for young girls or boys! I would physically want to hurt him. Yes, I know that's not right or the done thing but it would most likely be my first reaction. Of course, I would have to inform the relevant authorities of my concerns no matter how hard that would be. I don't think I could cope very well just throwing him on to the scrap heap not knowing if he was at risk to others. This is my own feelings due to my own personal experience. I still hate myself for not reporting what happened to me and not knowing if others suffered the same and I could have possibly stopped that from happening.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 06:47:13

Stillcryinginside: yes I do feel fucking dreadful and I am sorry for what you have been through too. I know what you are saying is true but I just can't go there yet, I have been under so much pressure if I put anything else on now I will collapse under the strain. I have been through some shit times and I thought things couldn't get any worse.
I have barely slept and my husband is due home in 20 minutes. I have children to look after all day, social engagements to attend all weekend and a marriage imploding.
I have physical and mental health problems and I am so frightened. I wish I could fast forward to next year and have everything normal and safe.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 06:48:08

Ps don't hate yourself, you were a child xx

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 06:49:51

Penguindancer what did you do? How did you find out? Did you have children together?

stillcryinginside Sat 30-Nov-13 07:13:30

Jaded, don't you worry about me hon I'm fine, big and ugly enough to look out for myself now :-) x

You need to be thinking about YOU, you sound as if you're under a huge amount of strain. You can't think straight or function correctly under those kind of circumstances. Is it possible to put things off at all? Try to cope with what absolutely has to be done and let someone else take the strain of others? You need some time out, time to think and work things out in your head.

I've not thoroughly read through all your posts so unsure if you have anyone you can go to. A friend, relative maybe? You don't have to tell them what's going on just to go and chill for a little while and talk about other stuff. While your stuck in the middle surrounded by all this crap you're having to deal with you will be unable to get any clarity.

You deserve to be loved and respected irrespective of anything else that May or not be going on and your h is not showing you any of that IMHO xx

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 08:26:04

I can see how you don't want to rock the boat, lose your lovely home etc but there's a potential danger to your girls and their friends here. Given the strain you are already under I think you should seek help and support in tackling this.

MissScatterbrain Sat 30-Nov-13 08:52:51

Sounds like a shit situation.

I wouldn't be surprised if your MH issues are linked to being married to him. There are so many things that is wrong - lack of affection and intimacy, the lies and deceit etc. These things must get to you and affect your self esteem and well being. The only thing you can change is HOW you deal with the situation - you cannot change or fix him.

The problem with so called mainstream porn is that constant use can lead to the need for more extreme and hardcore images. This is one of the reasons why I can never be ok with porn.

Your instincts are there for a reason and your job as a parent is to ensure your DC (and other children in contact) are safe. From what you have said, I very much doubt your H is safe to be around children sad

JaceyBee Sat 30-Nov-13 10:56:42

He's minimising it, he has to be. There's no way looking at mainstream, adult porn every 8 days to 2 weeks constitutes any sort of 'problem', although of course you don't have to like it or put up with it.

And yes, in my role as an NHS counsellor, I would have to seek advice from child safeguarding and possibly speak to SS if a client disclosed that her H had been looking at underage porn, that she suspected he may have unsavoury leanings and there were young children in the home. Child protection trumps confidentiality. In private practice it may differ though, I don't know.

Also, and I am trying to be kind and gentle here, I know you have a responsible job, are from a 'nice' neighbourhood and want everything to be ok and keep up a front for friends and family. I understand this, I really do. Unfortunately, this is a huge part of the reason abusers get away with it, because no-one wants to draw attention to it and they just sweep it under the carpet and hope it all goes away. But it doesn't. And it sounds as though this may be escalating. We are all here for you OP xx

Annonynon Sat 30-Nov-13 12:40:45

I'm so sorry jaded, it sounds awful for you sad

You said because of your illness your H does a lot, would you say he is the main carer of the dc? Because if he is then I think you'll need to be very clear on what you want if you do decide to end the marriage because it might not be as simple as just leaving with your dc

I do think you need to act, aside from anything else you deserve more than this. You deserve a relationship where you don't feel uneasy and see red flags waving, where you feel safe and loved and desired. Anything less than that is not good enough

You must have very little trust or respect left (if any) for your husband, it's sickening as well that he is demanding sympathy and kindness from you when he has shown you none, you really are worth more than this

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 14:07:10

anonnynon I am definitely the main carer he just does the bulk of the housework and shopping etc and I know that I qualify for home help type support with those things if were a lone parents.

He says the 'problem' he needs help with is not the porn, it's his inability to open up and share feelings. He was crying at the thought of upsetting me not because of the pornography. He says I am making a gross mistake about his 'interests'. I have just come for a lie down and said I can't discuss it anymore.

I have been with friends this morning and it is hard to concentrate and the kids are obviously picking up on my distress as they are pulling out all the stops. I feel really bad for them that their world is going to turn up side down.

I have spent all of my life waiting and praying for people to change, both parents, various partners and I had done a lot of 'work' on myself in counselling etc and believed that I had been discerning and chosen a good partner, I can't believe that I have fucked up so seriously.

Jayceebee thanks for the confirmation about counsellors' responsibility, I just wasn't sure as it's all based on gut feeling and incidents which may or may not have happened exactly as I saw them.

Missscatterbrain yes I believe that my mh is linked with the whole situation. No doubt about it but until I posted here last night I had convinced myself that anxiety /ocd thought patterns had made this into something more sinister.
Now my head is all over the place. But the fact remains that even if he is 'innocent' that he has deceived me and led me to believe that my needs were odd and that I m no longer an attractive woman.

Twinklestein Sat 30-Nov-13 14:35:03

You haven't fucked up, he has. He has developed a side that you couldn't have known about when you got married.

As regards the counselling, I defer to Jaycee's professional expertise, however I question whether one ambiguous search constitutes actively "looking at underage porn" as she put it. There's no evidence that he is.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 15:01:38

Thank you twinklestein.
I have been noticing more and more lately how stressed H appeared and I thought he had depression, he probably does tbh. I had said a few times that he needs to get help, he says that the children, my illness his job/hours etc have taken their toll. He d been short and irritable with me and the kids.

I have said a few times that he's not the man I married, all his reasoning makes sense, it has been a tough few years and I have the benefit of being able to open up about my feelings while he has worked hard to appear to cope.

Twinklestein Sat 30-Nov-13 15:08:38

It's equally tough for you though, more so as you're the one who's ill. You've not developed a porn habit & I don't really see how that helps him cope.

Can you afford a cleaner if you don't have one already?

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 15:09:25

I found a helpline called stopitnow which looks good of course they are closed on the weekend I will call next week.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 15:13:58

You're right twinklestein I have made so much of everything about me the last few years I felt that I should be looking after him too as we are a partnership. I presume he's trying to say that the pornography is an outlet and probably has been since long before we met.

I have thought about getting a cleaner but he's always been 'happy' to do it. He's very tidy and exacting. Now I can't consider it as I don't know what my next steps are going to be, suddenly every penny has so much more meaning!

Twinklestein Sat 30-Nov-13 15:25:03

Every penny that goes on a good cleaner is money well spent imo, & he can't really complain of being stressed if he refuses to delegate.

In comparison to what the counselling for porn is going to cost, or Relate if this is even salvageable, or divorce, it's small fry.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 17:12:16

I have to get dressed up and go out tonight and act totally normal.
I am having a bad day painwise as well but if u don't go out my brain will be whirring around!

One of my oldest friends is babysitter tonight, I might tell her some of what's going on. I don't know if i can tell the whole story yet, I might wait until I have spoken to the child abuse people next week. I really appreciate all comments and support.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 17:12:29

I have to get dressed up and go out tonight and act totally normal.
I am having a bad day painwise as well but if I don't go out my brain will be whirring around!

One of my oldest friends is babysitter tonight, I might tell her some of what's going on. I don't know if i can tell the whole story yet, I might wait until I have spoken to the child abuse people next week. I really appreciate all comments and support.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 17:12:33

I have to get dressed up and go out tonight and act totally normal.
I am having a bad day painwise as well but if I don't go out my brain will be whirring around!

One of my oldest friends is babysitter tonight, I might tell her some of what's going on. I don't know if i can tell the whole story yet, I might wait until I have spoken to the child abuse people next week. I really appreciate all comments and support.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 17:13:03

Sorry triple post, phone mishap

Twinklestein Sat 30-Nov-13 17:17:20

Definitely tell your friend - you don't have to go into the details - porn addiction on its own is common enough. It's very lonely to be dealing with this all on your own. Have a good evening.

jadeddazedandconfused Sat 30-Nov-13 17:20:59

Thank you I will smile

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