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Please tell me honestly, is it me being out of order here?

(156 Posts)
BikerMiceFromMars Wed 06-Nov-13 23:47:52

NC for this post.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We have two dc - one 2years old one 10 weeks.

For as long as we've lived together, he has always gone out drinking with friends after work. Up until 18 months ago it was 3-4 times a week, but since life has got considerably harder for me (went back to work full time pregnant, looking after toddler and newborn, do all the housework, 90% of parenting, handle all finances, and will be returning back to work again FT very soon), I have asked him to cut back going out to once a week.

Money is very tight at the moment as it is and even if it wasn't a money issue life's very tough for me atm I've got pnd a trying to struggle through each day, so really look forward to his home time to get a bit of help at bedtime. If he's not out drinking he comes home around 8pm and out from 7am, so out the house for long hours.

When he's put drinking hell drink until 1-2am and roll home steaming drunk maybe 3-4am.

The biggest problem I have is that he'll text or call that he's on his way home and bringing dinner with him, then I'll wait, wait and wait and by 9/10pm I realise he's out drinking and order a takeaway and he'll come home in the early hours and there's always an excuse as to why he had to go out.

He'll never call to say he's staying out as he knows I'll get angry and always switches his phone off so he's not contactable. This really upsets me as I feel with two small children we should always be contactable to each other - either keep your phone on or let me know the bar you're in at he very least. What if I had an accident, or one of the dc had to go hospital. We have no car and not family nearby so I think it's important we should be able to rely on each other.

We had row after row about this behaviour, he always apologises but does it yet again.

I never ever EVER get time to myself, I don't get to haveax pram fom night out, or even go to the gym as he's never home early enough for me to go out int he evening to the gym for an hour or so, and one the weekend he's usually too hungover to look after dc.

This has gone on for so many years now, I'm beginning to think am I being the one that's out of order? Is it totally normal a nd accept ale for him to go out drinking to the point of falling in the street whenever he fancies it, and not tell me and leave me waiting for him.

I could understand if it was every once in a while say once every other week, but it's whenever he feels like it. Literally. He acts like a single man instead of a father of a toddler and baby.

I really am doubting myself now as to whether I'm being unreasonably by asking him to be home every night at least for the next month or so while I'm struggling so much and then maybe go out once every other week until life gets easier for me. I understand if he's late back because of work, but it's just hurtful when he says he's on his waxy home then turns his phone off and stays out til 3am.

Just so I don't leave anything out, he's had a weeks holiday away with friends 3 weeks ago, which was nonstop drinking so it's not like he's not gone out in years.

Me n the other hand, I can't remember even going the toilet alone without my toddler following me or baby screaming.

DressingGown Sat 09-Nov-13 07:48:05

Oops - you CAN'T change his behaviour, obvs.

CookieDoughKid Sat 09-Nov-13 08:31:06

Oh my OP. I could have written this 5yrs ago. I was in similar circumstances. Nothing I said had any affect so I left the bastard.

Kicked him out.
I was gloriously single for 1year working full time with two toddlers.

He's now completely changed for the better and realises he is dependent on drink. It's his crux. He won't touch the stuff at all. We are happily back together after him learning what I will not tolerate.

insanityscratching Sat 09-Nov-13 08:31:12

Op ds2 was 5 months and ds1 was nearly two when I threw out dh because of his inability to put our family before the drink and it was far less frequent than your dp. He gave up drinking that week but I still made him stay away a full year to prove that he could stop off the drink. During that year he became the husband I wanted and the father our boys deserved. It will soon be our silver wedding anniversary and dh hasn't touched alcohol for more than twenty years.
It's only when your dp realises that he will lose you will he decide whether or not alcohol means more to him than his family.
Put you and your children first and show your dp that you won't stand for coming second to the bottle.

Retroformica Sat 09-Nov-13 08:48:14

He is clearly an alcoholic and placing alcohol/friends/single life above his families needs. He loves his family but not enough to put family needs first. What kind of role model is he? The kids will grow up aware that their father is a piss head and waister

123bucklemyshoe Sat 09-Nov-13 08:55:15

You are worth more than this. (that is all I have to say)

Retroformica Sat 09-Nov-13 08:57:39

Can you give him a choice. Either support you fully this month or go drinking instead and don't come back.

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