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Please tell me honestly, is it me being out of order here?

(156 Posts)
BikerMiceFromMars Wed 06-Nov-13 23:47:52

NC for this post.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We have two dc - one 2years old one 10 weeks.

For as long as we've lived together, he has always gone out drinking with friends after work. Up until 18 months ago it was 3-4 times a week, but since life has got considerably harder for me (went back to work full time pregnant, looking after toddler and newborn, do all the housework, 90% of parenting, handle all finances, and will be returning back to work again FT very soon), I have asked him to cut back going out to once a week.

Money is very tight at the moment as it is and even if it wasn't a money issue life's very tough for me atm I've got pnd a trying to struggle through each day, so really look forward to his home time to get a bit of help at bedtime. If he's not out drinking he comes home around 8pm and out from 7am, so out the house for long hours.

When he's put drinking hell drink until 1-2am and roll home steaming drunk maybe 3-4am.

The biggest problem I have is that he'll text or call that he's on his way home and bringing dinner with him, then I'll wait, wait and wait and by 9/10pm I realise he's out drinking and order a takeaway and he'll come home in the early hours and there's always an excuse as to why he had to go out.

He'll never call to say he's staying out as he knows I'll get angry and always switches his phone off so he's not contactable. This really upsets me as I feel with two small children we should always be contactable to each other - either keep your phone on or let me know the bar you're in at he very least. What if I had an accident, or one of the dc had to go hospital. We have no car and not family nearby so I think it's important we should be able to rely on each other.

We had row after row about this behaviour, he always apologises but does it yet again.

I never ever EVER get time to myself, I don't get to haveax pram fom night out, or even go to the gym as he's never home early enough for me to go out int he evening to the gym for an hour or so, and one the weekend he's usually too hungover to look after dc.

This has gone on for so many years now, I'm beginning to think am I being the one that's out of order? Is it totally normal a nd accept ale for him to go out drinking to the point of falling in the street whenever he fancies it, and not tell me and leave me waiting for him.

I could understand if it was every once in a while say once every other week, but it's whenever he feels like it. Literally. He acts like a single man instead of a father of a toddler and baby.

I really am doubting myself now as to whether I'm being unreasonably by asking him to be home every night at least for the next month or so while I'm struggling so much and then maybe go out once every other week until life gets easier for me. I understand if he's late back because of work, but it's just hurtful when he says he's on his waxy home then turns his phone off and stays out til 3am.

Just so I don't leave anything out, he's had a weeks holiday away with friends 3 weeks ago, which was nonstop drinking so it's not like he's not gone out in years.

Me n the other hand, I can't remember even going the toilet alone without my toddler following me or baby screaming.

Straitjacket Thu 07-Nov-13 01:06:40

Ask yourself whether you would treat others in this way. If not, why not? Why does it therefore make it ok for him to treat you this way?

It doesn't. Far from it.

This man is abusive. He may not hit you but he is treating you as an inferior and harming both you and DC with his behaviour. If you are the main earner, do you own the house/have your name on the tenancy? You really need to throw him out. It would help to get some advice from Women's AId or the CAB on how to do this, and I'm afraid you might end up having to get court orders or involve the police, because a man as selfish as this may either refuse to go or become violent.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 07-Nov-13 01:37:02

he went on holiday with his mates leaving his post natal wife with a toddler and a 7 week old baby? shock

just incase you haven't heard it enough YANBU!

I cannot believe how you have accepted this for so long. completely unacceptable behaviour in my book.

I don't have any advice because the only advice I would give you you wouldn't like so I wont say it. but please get some confidence and stand up for yourself.

Please dump this absolute fucker of a man.

bragmatic Thu 07-Nov-13 02:18:08

It's been unreasonable since before you had children. Children has made it much harder to bear. But make no mistake, no reasonable partner would go out hard drinking 3-4 nights a week, every week, even without children.

Who does he drink with? Have his workmates not grown up either? Or when they pair up, and get married and have kids etc does he find new pissheads to drink with?

bragmatic Thu 07-Nov-13 02:18:58

What are you going to do?

SwishYouToASwazzle Thu 07-Nov-13 02:35:26

I'm sorry, it really does sound like he has a drinking problem, but he has to take responsibility for himself and want to get help. Alcoholism is an addiction and there is no reasoning with an addiction. If he sincerely believes he doesn't have a problem, you should consider temporarily moving out or asking him to leave as you are in a very vulnerable place right now. Do you have family or friends that can offer you support? Have you been to your GP and health visitor and

SwishYouToASwazzle Thu 07-Nov-13 02:37:07

... have you been to your GP and health visitor? Especially your health visitor, it's her job to make sure you are managing at home.

louloutheshamed Thu 07-Nov-13 02:51:05

He went on holiday for a week when you have a toddler and 7 week old baby shock?

And you think you are expecting too much???

I have no words.

DottyboutDots Thu 07-Nov-13 03:34:36

So what if it's an affair? How does that make it worse? He is treating you and your children appallingly.

SqueakyCleanLibertine Thu 07-Nov-13 03:46:43

Bloody hell, he's done a real job on you hasn't he? The behaviour you describe screams 'self centred thoughtless man child' yet you are questioning wether you even have the right to be unhappy about it?!

First things first, are you getting help with the pnd? The sooner you feel stronger the sooner you can work on your 'relationship'

If it were me, id tell him to fuck the fuck off until he sorts his priorities out, what would you lose? Your doing it all on your own anyway.

Here's some flowers for you love, have you got any friends you can talk to in rl?

Vivacia Thu 07-Nov-13 06:08:46

It sounds as though you've given opportunity after opportunity to listen to your concerns and act on them. He hasn't. I wouldn't give him another chance, but suspect you would. In which case, tell him what you need him to do and you're going to see how you feel in a month's time. Gives him a month to prove himself. Home to share bath and bed time every night. Fair share of the chores. No one-offs that take him aware from home and to do all of this with a good grace.

I suspect he won't want to do this and you'll find it easier without him - more financial support and fewer disappointments.

happystory Thu 07-Nov-13 06:48:29

This is so sad. You should be enjoying your lovely new baby not putting up with this crap. How the hell can he afford it apart from anything else ? My guess is he's a City boy and its all on expenses, but anyway regardless NOTHING excuses this. And he doesn't do family life at the weekends either? Someone needs to give this idiot a reality check. Would he listen to his father, or a brother if he has one, or a friend? I really think this needs to be outed with someone apart from you and him......

You are married to a drunkard, this is what life is like with such people. Chaos and dysfunction all round and you are also affected by his drinking. He is putting alcohol before everything and everyone else, his main thought is where the next drink is coming from. Also such people are often in denial and blame others for their inherent problems.

Others have asked you what you get out of this relationship and I can only assume its nothing because you cannot think of anything at all positive to say about him. You do not want to split the family up but its already split apart anyway by his actions. Is this really what you want your children to see as they are growing up; an unhappy mother worried all the time along with a drunk for a dad?.

You're his crutch; all that you are to him now is his enabler. You also carry him.

Alcohol is a cruel mistress and he is truly in deep. His primary relationship is with drink, you and your children do not matter to him. He loves alcohol more than he loves both you and the children.

Re this comment:-
"It's been going on for so long and all his friends in the industry we both work in, are exactly the same"

Well actually no they are not. You are not like this (i.e a drunkard) and I bet if you were to look closely at his friends they are likely to be both few in number and heavy drinkers also.

Your only option going forward is to leave him. You however have a choice re this man, your children do not. Is this really the sort of father they should have in their lives, you're doing all the donkey work now anyway.

DressingGown Thu 07-Nov-13 07:10:24

Oh this sounds so much like me. No advice - but here's what I did.

I was with my dd's father for almost 12 years, waiting at home, whilst he sat in the pub with the phone off. He also constantly said 'I'll be home soon' and wouldn't come home for hours (sometimes days - most notably when dd was less than 2 weeks old).

I have no idea why I accepted his behaviour for so long, but once I saw that dd (she's only 4.5 months) would grow up watching him staggering in pissed in the middle of the night, I had to act. I asked him to leave 3 weeks ago. I'm starting counselling later on today. I have plenty of wobbles still. And it's desperately sad. But he had so many warnings. And I had to do something for dd's sake. It's only since he's been gone that I've seen things more clearly, and not just about dd - i.e. he clearly had no respect for me to treat me so badly for so long.

I am trying not to make any hard and fast decisions and just living day to day at the moment. Perhaps he will sort himself and some sort of reconciliation will be possible in future. A friend said this to me and it helped: I know it's hard and nothing I say will make it better, but in a year's time, you'll either be back together with a much clearer shared understanding of what acceptable behaviour looks like, or you'll be happily living a single life.

And finally, and importantly, he's a much better father now. He comes round a couple of week nights to see dd and give her her bath. And he takes her for a few hours at the weekend so I can get other things done. Life is actually much much easier for me now. I wish he could have been like this when we were together - but it was too easy for him just to leave it all up to me.

Good luck, OP. x

hoboken Thu 07-Nov-13 07:16:10

Make financial and housing plans (if possible), print this thread and when he has read it say you want a divorce

iloveweetos Thu 07-Nov-13 07:26:19

I agree with vakant.
This is not normal behaviour for a father.
You sound so sad in your post sad get out of the relationship and make yourself happy.

TiredDog Thu 07-Nov-13 07:34:33

It's really sad to read posts where the poster has become so desensitised to normal behaviour and brain washed they cannot see how wrong this is and how unhappy the doting loving father is making them. It is neither doting nor loving and these are not the actions of a man who cares.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 07-Nov-13 07:36:47

Dressing gown talks sense....

flowers for you dressing gown- you're a brave woman and a good mum

Op....you need to take the same action as dressing gown. Listen to others that have been there.

My ex was similar- only out once a week til 3-4 but pissed out if his head and no good the next day. No consideration and wouldn't tell me before that he was staying out, phone off etc etc. I couldn't let my kids grow up where mummy was crying because dad was being a selfish twat- every week.

Life is easier without them. I bet your pnd would lift a bit too- he is most certainly adding to it.

X

DressingGown Thu 07-Nov-13 08:03:11

Oh thanks, mamma. That's given me a lovely wee self-esteem boost before my first counselling session (which I'm totally crapping myself about - lol). Right back at you! thanks

bikermice thinking of you. You deserve so much more from life than this. I'll keep watching. And if I get any amazing insights or pearls of wisdom from counselling, I'll pass them on. x

Ledkr Thu 07-Nov-13 08:22:35

Yes, well done dressing gown and good luck for counselling.

RevelsRoulette Thu 07-Nov-13 08:24:30

My husband was like this. He would do exactly what you describe - even down to the turning off of the mobile. Only he would stay out all night, and eventually come back saying he'd got so drunk that he'd slept in the car.

I tried everything. I cried, I shouted, I begged, I pleaded, I involved family members, I threatened to leave, I did everything apart from the one thing I wish I had done - leave.

But I didn't have the courage. I preferred to stay with how things were than the other option I had, which was to be a single parent to 2 toddlers (there's 15 months between my kids)

So I did the only other thing I could do. I stopped caring. I no longer gave a shit where he was or what he was doing. I stopped phoning, I stopped yelling. I just got on with things without him.

The weird thing was that the less I gave a crap where he was, the more I plainly didn't give a shit about him, the less he went out hmm although he still cannot stop drinking when he starts and I am convinced that he is a functional alcoholic.

I don't feel I am qualified to advise you, since I made a poor choice which I freely admit was out of fear of the unknown, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. There are people, including me, who do understand what it's like to live like this.

I can tell you that I spent many years wishing that I had the courage to leave and that they were unhappy years. I also wonder what my life would be like now if I had made that choice back then.

I would also describe my husband as you describe yours - as a good man who does love me. And he's got a number of really great qualities.

Sadly, if someone loves alcohol more, they're going to behave like this, because you don't matter as much as beer. And that's quite depressing.

mcmoonfucker Thu 07-Nov-13 08:29:56

All the energy you waste wondering where he is, building up resentment, getting angry and questioning yourself could be put to much better use.
We only have a finite amount of energy and yours is being wasted on misery.
You know he's a waste of space. He isn't a good dad. Hes a horrific husband.
Life is too short. You are too good for all this. Your kids deserve better role models.
Decision time.

pumpkinkitty Thu 07-Nov-13 08:31:44

Oh my word! My DH got a mouthful when he came home drunk and was too hung over to help out the next day once! And I've only got one DC!

My attitude is go out and have fun but I will have exactly the same amount if time to myself doing whatever I want.

He is being awful. I'd be tempted to tell him that as he is home such a little amount of time you'll be using the equivalent amount of money he spends going out on some home help, a cleaner or a nanny etc.

LittleBairn Thu 07-Nov-13 08:33:46

YANBU this man clearly has a problem with Alchol until he admits it and gets help its only going to get worse.
I've never said LTB before but in this case a trial separation might be best to help him realise what he's risking by having this lifestyle.

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