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Really need your help and advice please-struggling with parent in laws :-((91 Posts)
A month before I fell pregnant my father died which was really hard but falling pregnant seemed like a blessing from him and gave myself and my mum a new focus which was exciting. When I was 20 weeks pregnant my partner and I found out it was a boy and instantly I said his middle name should be my fathers name which my partner immediately agreed with. Upon telling his mother and father they turned their noses up but I didn't address it at the time and they didn't proceed to say anything else on the matter. I had a very traumatic labour, I had to have an emergency cesarean as bubba was too big to have a natural birth (10lb2) and they found a tear in my uterus, I lost 6 pints of blood and it was all very touch and go for both bubba and I and we had to stay in hospital for a week due to an infection we both had. The week I was discharged I was still in agony and still heartbroken about the birth going the way it did but I kept focused as I was utterly in love with my boy and we were very lucky to be alive. The night before we went to register his name, my partners mother whispered to him could our sons middle name be the same as my partners fathers middle name. I was absolutely gutted, they had all that time to address the issue and couldn't even ask me face to face. I said no as there were obvious reasons we'd chosen his middle name to be my fathers name and asking the night before registration was just not on. As you can imagine it ruined the day as mother in law proceeded to make it all about her, she got upset and phoned my partner to say she was sorry however never to this day has she apologised to me. Since then, his parents proceed to do things behind my back, such as take family photos without me there. She'll just turn up to see him and failing that will call my partner who is at work to ask when she can see him. I can't understand why they treat me with such disregard, I get on with absolutely everyone, I hate conflict or wrong doing and always try to do the best by people. However when it comes to them I'm at the end of my tether. They just seem to have no respect for me and I feel pushed out. It has almost split my partner and I up and 6 months on I'm still heartbroken about it all and it has tarnished what should be a glorious time. What's worse it we have to go away with them for a week soon for a family holiday, I'm absolutely dreading it. What should I do? Am I overreacting? Shall I just get over it? I'm desperately sad :-( please help x
I can't see what they've done wrong I'm afraid. Do you think you might have a bit of PND? I did and I felt just like you do now.
i am not sure what the issue is either
Maybe your MIL felt that her son may want to use the name she suggested too ? Did you partner want to use it? You say that you said no but don't mention your partner
she also apologised
I am not sure with the issue with her turning up to see her grandson - is it a problem she wants to see him? And the photo thing osunds like you are looking for things to pick her up on
none of this sounds horrendous but you say you are close to splitting up with your partner over it
you sound like you had a very traumatic birth - perhaps this has over shadowed things and coloured situtaitons????
Please don't be too sad, I had il issues, with hindsight my suggestion would be to focus on your relationship with your partner and your mini family e.g you, dp and ds, if you feel your partner is supporting you whatever they say won't really matter, I have since dispute shortly after ds arrived been honest with my dh about the fact I find seeing them difficult and reiterate what happened so we don't spend ages with them.
There seem to be a lot of people on mumsnet with il issues, I comfort myself by knowing that I will endeavour to be a much better mil when my son marries than my mil has been to me!
P.s if as mentioned above you wanted to discuss your birth, most hospitals offer a birth after thoughts session where they go through your notes and help you make sense of what happened and why, my ds is two and I am going soon so will have a better idea of how useful this is, but might be worth considering.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP I can totally sympathise with your situation,I have been through similar but don't want to go into detail.i was lucky in that eventually my DH saw what I was going through and supported me and stood up to his family.
One bit of advise-don't doubt your feelings no matter who tells you you are being silly or imagining things.be strong,you are in a difficult situation.concentrate on your relationship with DP and DS and when you go away with them make sure you are at the forefront of YOUR little family.
I hope this helps,you are not alone.
There has been a similar thread to this recently and much of the problem is that DH is not supporting you in what you want. Ok he might have been caught out by his DM asking for the fatheril's name but he should have told her no, it's your father's name for the middle name, not come to you bleating about it.
What is happening with the secret photo sessions. Is DH taking DS to see them without you? Why? DH needs to get a grip as he is fanning the fire which is your MIL being unfriendly.
As said above the family is you DH and wee one, everyone else comes a long way behind. Get DH onto your wavelength and expect some support.
My son does have their surname. My partner wanted my fathers name as his middle name too. He wasn't fussed about it as he's not very traditional and said his sister didn't get asked the same question when she was pregnant with her son so he wasn't sure why it had been brought up by his mother at all as they'd never expressed a desire for that name to be carried down before. Maybe I have made it into something it's not then :-/ I just thought it was insensitive to whisper about it behind my back and not to ask us both openly. Especially as she knew what I was going through and the inevitable after baby emotions which she experienced herself twice. Also the family photos without me I felt was a bit off as I'm part of the family too. I suppose I just need to forget it all. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply :-)
They treat you with such disregard frankly because they want to. This is all about power and control hence the crappy behaviour shown by his mother over the name. Its all about what they want really.
Being a people pleaser only gives them more ammo to use against you because they know full well you won't say anything and answer them back. You certainly need to raise your own boundaries with regards to his parents pronto, they are far too low currently. You are going to have to assert yourself far more than you ever have done and reign in those people pleaser tendencies you have.
Your other problem here is your man, is he actually willing and or able to stand up for his own family unit here?. What has he actually told his parents to date, has he told them to back off?. His primary loyalty now should be to you and his child, not his parents who seem interfering at the very least and seem also unable to leave him alone.
Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.
Thanks for the advice redcaryellowcar, I may look into that :-)
OP please don't doubt how you feel.i certainly advise doing something proactive such as moving on or confronting it,whichever will bring you more peace of mind but DP's family should not have taken family pics without you it is so sly or discussed your DS middle name behind your back.i know how much things like this bothered me and because I kept 'letting it go' i got to breaking point and it started to affect my relationship with DH who was also finding it difficult to deal with because he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Totally agree with Attila advise.
I can totally see what is wrong here. Absolutely you needed to honour your father and I know how some people ae in situations like this.. It is the unspoken things. Words account of less that twenty percent of communication.
I don't have mil issues but have been through something a bit like this. I don't know how to stop it from tarnishing your memories of this special time but maybe talking to a counsellor and some assertive techniques. Totally need to get dh on board.
Can you get out of the holiday or postpone x x x
Thank you for the advice AttilaTheMeerkat. My partner now wishes he confronted them at the time but he's so laid back he doesn't really get what's going on until it's too late to say something. He agrees they're insensitive but says he's so used to it, he forgets it must be more obvious to me. You're right though I do really need to be more assertive especially for my sons sake. I am in all other areas, it's just with them I feel I can't say anything as I don't want to cause a rift and cause problems for my partner. His fathers a bit of a bully who has the know all approach to everything and his mother would just cry so I feel I wouldn't gain anything. However if something else happens that I am not happy with I will say something.
Catnap26 I think you've put it into better words than me. That's the exact point I was trying to get across :-)
mrspaddy I think maybe counselling would help as it would be from an unbiased point of view. As for the holiday, I don't want to spoil it for the rest of the family who I get on with wonderfully and especially my other half who never takes time off so I think I just need to let go, go and hold my head high :-)
No way would I go away with them on holiday.
I cut my MIL out of my life in Sep 2006. I have not clapped eyes on her since and hope I never will again.
Dh and my boys see her when they go to Italy but I refuse to go.
I have cried too many tears over her.
Just don't go or have it out with her to clear the air.
How does she manage to take photos without you there?
You can have more than one middle name, you know, they only asked...
The secret photo session was when my partner took him over there once without me. We'd only been there 2 days before so it seemed unjust. I can safely say he won't be going over there without his mum again!
It's amazing what standing your ground and having a few trite responses ready can do when dealing with folk. My DSis has a good relationship with her DMIL after 20+ years of marriage, she finally got the courage to tackle her MIL's dismissive attitude.
They are on good terms now so don't leave it, OP.
Floggingmolly it was just hurtful as they had the opportunity to ask when I was 4 months pregnant and waited to whisper it behind my back the day before his registration :-/
Just a thought, don`t be too worried about MIL crying. My DH is v attached to his mum and dad, and a very good son. However, MIL and I had a disagreement and she ended up sitting at the dinner table and sobbing, and I left the room as I felt she was being a drama queen.
I did wonder what DH would do, but he followed me and was amazed at his mother´s (and these are his words) "emotional blackmail".
All I´m saying, is if you keep being reasonable and controlled, and let them be the drama queens, your DH will see the difference.
I didn`t have PND, but I was very hormonal and emotional after both my births. Things which distressed me then, now, wouldn`t touch me. So I don`t know if you are feeling sleep deprived/hormonal, or it´s something more serious. I would urge you to ask for help though. Help from DH to understand why his parents are being the way they are, and to make sure you deal with any upset as a couple. Also to read about PND in mumsnet and think about whether you might need some extra support. We all need support of one kind or another to be a parent x
I have to say my other half does understand and support me and our relationship is great its just that part of it thats niggling at us. Everything else in my life is going great too, bubba sleeps 12 hours a night, he's a blissfully happy baby and I'm back to my old fit and healthy self. I think what I need to do is address their insensitivity with them directly next time something arises. Show my assertiveness and then maybe they'll realise I'm not a walk over:-)
I have just written a letter to my partners parents explaining how I've felt over their actions and have found it very therapeutic and will post it tomorrow. Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to read my post and share your advice. It has helped tremendously :-)
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