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27 weeks pregnant and need to leave my husband

(107 Posts)
Autumn12 Mon 13-May-13 00:59:22

He is a drunk and I can't put up with it anymore.

I posted about him recently and we managed to talk and sort things out after he stayed out all night. However despite the promises he has let me down yet again.

He went to a work rugby event today. I knew there would be all day drinking involved but he swore that he would take it easy.

I didn't hear from him all day so called him about quarter past 6 to see how he was and to find out if he would need collecting from the station later. He sounded ok and not too drunk. He said he would be heading home after the next rugby match. He also promised not to get too drunk and roll in at 2am.

Well here I am it's almost 1am and he is still not home. I've been calling him since 9pm with no answer. I am exhausted but haven't been able to get to sleep .

I finally just managed to get hold of him and he is apparently in east London and kept saying he wants to get home. That's nowhere near where the rugby was or where we live. There is no way for him to get home now unless he finds a cab willing to take him. That's going to cost £££££.

I won't be able to sleep until he finally gets home whenever the hell that will be, meaning I won't be able to manage at work tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant and can't put myself through anymore nights of being awake wondering where the hell my husband is.

I have to accept that he will never change. I can't put a child through this either. He clearly has an alcohol problem though he won't accept it. Being honest our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. I should never have married him. I kept hoping he would change. He has got better and goes out less but even one incident a year like this is too much for me. This is the 2nd in less than a month. He said fatherhood would change him but my being pregnant hasn't so why would a baby.

lemonstartree Sun 26-May-13 21:17:18

hows things Autumn?

Cerisier Thu 16-May-13 12:02:29

Early thirties- he should know better at his age and should be putting you and the baby first. He knows how you feel.

I hope it goes well at the hospital today.

CinnabarRed Thu 16-May-13 11:51:27

I hope today goes well.

My ex was being a complete waste of space when I had to go to hosp for some pregnancy related issues (we were still sort of together) & I went by myself. Quite frankly did not need that on top of dealing with the anxiety over the baby etc, regardless of the fact that it was his baby.

Stick to your guns, stick to yourself (as best you can) & let him sort himself/not sort himself out. It really isn't something you can afford to be worrying about right now/when the baby makes an appearance.

Hope everything's ok with the pregnancy thanks Good luck.

I'd also say don't take him to hospital unless you would benefit. Different circumstances somewhat for me at the moment, but having decided to separate from my stbxh, he hasn't been to any of the hospital or consultant visits at all.

I hope that your appointment is ok, and I also hope you realise that you are NOT causing his pain. He is the one who has caused the pain he feels, by his actions.

AnyFucker Wed 15-May-13 18:32:46

On the bright side i did get some gorgeous flowers from him.

Empty gestures. Nothing to be "bright" about, love.

Autumn12 Wed 15-May-13 17:36:56

He's early 30's so not what I'd call young. No other DC except this one on the way.

Hyperhelpmum Wed 15-May-13 17:34:18

I'd say dont take him unless you need him. Let him know how you feel he has not supported you on this recent escapade and he can't be of support now as you feel upset by him. I was always so f ing angry I didn't want him around thinking he was suddenly a great comfort when night before he'd let me down. I think some men genuinely take forever to grow up. My DH 40 this year! Is yours young OP? Do you have children yet? It's never an excuse but some men are just total immature morons for ages.

CinnabarRed Wed 15-May-13 17:26:58

And only take him with you to hospital if you feel his presence there would be of comfort/support to you. If him being there would make it harder then no, he doesn't get to come. It's your body.

CinnabarRed Wed 15-May-13 17:25:16

But you're not causing his pain; he's bringing it on himself through his choices.

Conversely, he is directly causing your pain.

Autumn12 Wed 15-May-13 17:18:20

Thanks for sharing that. Sounds very similar to my DH. Several times I have pointed out to him that when he goes AWOL it's only the single people that are left standing with him at the end of the night. The men with families have gone home!

I'm finding it hard to see him at the moment as he is obviously shocked and hurting a lot. I do love him so it's not easy to see him and know that I'm causing his pain. I'm not sure whether to let him accompany me to the hospital tomorrow for my pregnancy related tests or not.On one hand if I don't it would really send him a strong message, but on the other hand it is still his baby.

Hyperhelpmum Wed 15-May-13 17:03:54

I hope you are ok and baby ok. Just wanted to add me experience, which luckily has ended more positively than some others here. . My DH was similar to yours, enjoyed drinking, seemed to take it too far and stay out/ drink way too much but it calmed down a bit with first child but it still caused a lot of rows, mainly due to him being SO hungover he couldn't help with baby or was grumpy at weekends. With DC2 had a few incidents like you describe where he went on benders, started then couldn't stop. At a wedding DC2 was 5 weeks old and i went back to hotel room msjing DH promise not to roll in wasted at 2 am waking us up. Woke at 2.30 with him singing loudly under hotel window with all rhe single people frim the wedding! I was SO livid. He had a new baby and was up with all the singles, all the orher dads had gone to bed with their wives and kids. Hit bresking point when after a works do he came in so pissed falling about and swearing. I woke up and he was trying to get another beer from fridge. I grabbed it, he lunged at me when I tried to take a can and knocked me over. Chased me to our room where baby DS2 slept and yelled at me waking baby. I was distrsught. I called police, he was removed to a hotel. He was so ashamed the next day as was I with visits from SS calls from HV etc re DV. It was like a nightmare. I told him it was over. He met me with kids in town, I remember it was a beautiful sunny day. DS1 was asking 'where you been daddy?' DH wept silently.

He has never done it again. He still drinks a bit more than I would and hangovers can be a pain but overall he HAS grown up, he has stopped. He has never done the bender thing again. His blips coincided with our DC being small. I will wait and see if DC3 has this effect.

Overall my DH is a loving, kind man but drinking a bit too much a bit too often nearly drove us apart. Drink is evil as the person doing it cannot see effect it has especially when they are drunk.

I know I am beyond lucky and may go back on this post one day but for 2.5 years things have been good and he has changed .

Good luck and maybe ask your DH to get help? Talk to someone about his drinking? Mine would never admit it eas an issue until he demonstrated to himself it was.I think for mine, waking in a strange hotel and the shame of it all kicked him up the ass. He couldn't have his children or me see him like that again.

I still feel a bit nervous if he goes out but he has not let me down yet even though he did in the past. I know not everyone is this fortunate but just wanted you to see a shock can have an effect sometimes on people who refuse to admit there is an issue.

Autumn12 Wed 15-May-13 16:25:01

Yeah, I'm still not sure he is ready to take the step of seeking help.

On the bright side i did get some gorgeous flowers from him.

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 15-May-13 15:40:04

Autumn sorry to hear the news from your antenatal, I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

Can totally understand everything you say about your husband's behaviour and how it makes you feel. I am sorry you are going through this. So frustrating when you have to explain to him that no, its not that you've got a problem with him socialising per se, its this issue of not knowing whether he will go AWOL or not.

As for him texting you & begging you to tell him what he needs to do to keep you...nope, you don't need this crap. That's putting the ball back in your court when it's not the first time this has happened throughout your relationship so he ought to know what he needs to do by now.

It involves him taking personal responsibility to resolve problem drinking once & for all. It's irrelevant whether they are once a year/month/week sessions. I hope he's had a serious wake-up call and takes swift, decisive action.

Hope you're feeling okay today.

Autumn12 Wed 15-May-13 14:36:00

So -So Thanks for asking.

Been looking at my finances today which is scary. Trying to work out how I will manage financially, and what it will mean for my maternity leave.

lemonstartree Wed 15-May-13 11:46:48

how are you today Autumn ?

Lavenderhoney Tue 14-May-13 20:46:00

I really hope all is well with you and the baby.

I hope to your dh realises this problem won't go away and if he faces it he can have the best life with you.

Take care now

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 20:05:56

Autumn,if he can control it sometimes then he should be seeking outside help to control all the time

Until he does that though, he is in denial which as you know will not solve anything at all.

Be strong, and make him face it. If he won't, then what have you lost ? A man you cannot trust that you don't want as a 24/7 example to your dc's.

I have a feeling though that if he is the man you say he is, once he properly accepts the problem there is a good chance he could sort his act out

That's the thing though, it shouldn't happen at all if he can't stop (and thinks that it's not an issue, which, if anything is the bloody issue).

And it's hard tell what's average 'in your 20s/early 30s' behavior & what's a possible problem, so I hope you're not being too hard on yourself about that.

You just don't need that when you have a child to care for though (or at all really, but it will make you angrier than you've ever been once the baby's arrived). And as you said, it's no standard to set for him/her as they grow up.

Autumn12 Tue 14-May-13 19:37:41

I would love nothing more than for the drinking issue to go away. Then I'd be left with a great husband.

I married him against my better judgement and desperately hoping that things would change as he "grew up". And they have changed. 3 or 4 years ago he would be out a couple of times a week with an "incident" occurring every few weeks. Then it got down a couple of times a year. Weeks and weeks can go by with nothing bad happening. So it was easy to tell myself it was getting better and that could only continue surely?

Then I got pregnant and he was amazing. He had loads of social occasions over the Xmas period and he didn't slip up once. He would get drunk sure but not so drunk that he was incomprehensible. He would come home at a reasonable time and stay in contact. So I was happy and believed things had turned a corner. Then he stayed out all night a couple of weeks ago and then went AWOL Sunday night and here we are back at square one.

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 19:25:19

Hope things are ok with baby.

lemon - I think issues in a relationship are magnified when you're pregnant (and I bet OP thought a new life on the way would make a difference, like it should).

Sorry to hear that Autumn12

Well done though.

This is a case of the right thing being a lot harder to do than the wrong thing & you're doing so well considering!

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy thanks

LadyVJJ Tue 14-May-13 19:19:24

Autumn, I am so sorry you have had this news today on top of everything else. Have been lurking, but just wanted to say that I hope you are ok x

lemonstartree Tue 14-May-13 19:19:22

It IS hard and will be harder as you get more and more pregnant...doesnt mean its not right..

BUT on the other had, what would be your 'terms' for reconciliation? couples counseling? ( would it be therapeutic to tell him he spoilt your wedding day by calling you a 'dick'? ) Him attending AA ? Is your position "no way, not ever no matter what..." Or 'I wish he could just stop doing THIS and it could be ok "?

I think you do need to consider why you married him (not in a bad/blaming way) but its clear you were aware that there were issues with alcohol... did you think he would change ? (I know I thought my XH would - BIG mistake) or were you so in love that you though it didn't matter ?... Its important that these things are thought through so that you can go forward being honest either with him, or with yourself.

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