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Forgave my H for being on a dating site last Summer,now find he was on a more sinister site to meet others for sex

(170 Posts)
SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 11:32:47

Hi
My H and I have had a bumpy few years in the past but just after we had a few blissful years I found my H had been on match.com. He went as far as opening a profile, pretty vague ,no photo just basic details, I spoke too soon to see if he used the site. In he insight I should of left things for a while before confronting him. He said it was an old site but I saw the date opened was April 12.
As I hadn't ant proof he had taken it any further than curiosity and the account was closed I put it all behind me but obviously it haunted me in the back of my mind.
Now a friend has told me his profile is on a site where people meet other married people for affairs. I checked the profile out and low and behold my husband is there looking back at me, using his real name, knocked a few years off his age though.
From what I can see he was last on the site last summer meaning he hasn't been on the site since I found out about the match.com but by the look of things he was on both sites at the same time.
I haven't any proof he has met any one but I didn't know about this affair site when we discussed things last year and I dropped it.
This seems a bit too seedy to me and I find seeing the lengths he went to to fill in this profile alarming to say the least.
Do I leave this new revelation as I was last year and I already forgave my H last year or do I bring out this new evidence of something he posted but no proof he has done anything?
How do I judge wether he has taken this any further than just making out a profile, the dating site felt harmless by my gut feeling, this has my mind going all over the place.
I am afraid to make a wrong judgement and end my marriage when even this could be innocent & on the other hand I don't want to be a mug living with someone who may be sneaking behind my back & I know if I confront him he will obviously deny this .
We had been getting on so well until I found out he had joined the date site last year, it now looks like he was on 2 sites!

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 12:53:13

Both my friend and I have messages him but its says on his profile he hasn't logged in since last year, hence no reply.

The most confusing part is our relationship was last year and this really good.
When I told friends about him being on match.com last year they couldn't believe it, saying we always look so happy, always holding hands, doing things together and how they can't believe my H would ever do something like that.

I think I am trying to get my head around that bit too, we get on so well, no arguments for years, daily texts of how much he loves me flow every hour, he is the ideal H, it's really is confusing working out which bloke is the real H AND to think this means his actions break up our family.

That's why I need to get this put into perspective as it isn't just myself and my H it's our kids too, their worlds will be turned upside down which us why I need to get my facts right?

Smiley - what facts don't you have right?

1) He accused you of having an affair with a male friend, which was untrue. Not only that, but he did so publicly, by telling other people this pack of lies. Your response was to dump your friend and not your DH for being a controlling twat.
2) You caught him on dating site after a few "blissful years" (I don't call accusing you of having an affair so he cuts you off from your best male friend blissful)
3) After having forgiven him for doing this before, he signs up to another, even more obvious 'trawling for sex' site.

All this and yet you think you two get on so well, no arguments for years...

Sorry if this sounds blunt but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. This is NOT a decent man, he does NOT love you (despite the texts saying so), he is a controlling deceitful man and you are LETTING him belittle you and in due course, your family.

You deserve better and so do your kids. HE has turned yours and their lives upside down, not you. Your kids would rather see you happy than see you get ground underfoot and become even more of a doormat. Honestly.

Please, get shot of him.

dontyouwantmebaby Mon 29-Apr-13 13:06:23

OP - ok so your friends found it difficult to believe that he'd been on match.com? what did they think about him destroying that other friendship with the male friend you'd had for years?

daily texts telling you how much he loves you? oh-kay, I know everyone's different but that would come across as insincere to me. actions speak louder than words. why's he even signed up to a dating website anyway? did he text you telling you he loved you when he was in the process of setting up a profile? hmm

pickledginger Mon 29-Apr-13 13:09:04

So he managed to destroy a friendship you'd had for years and made his false accusations to your friends and family? That's really awful.

OP it's pretty common for an unfaithful partner to suddenly start accusing their other half of what they themselves are guilty of. It's because they get the niggling feeling that if they can be so underhand and conniving, what's to stop their spouse? I'd just see that accusation as more evidence that he was doing the dirty. Sorry.

Personally, I don't know how you can stay with him knowing that he's constantly been on the lookout for extra-marital sex. what does that say about for his respect for you, his marriage and his family?

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 13:28:05

Smiley, you need to look at this logically:

He spread malicious and horrible gossip about you to your nearest and dearest FOR NO GOOD REASON

He ruined your relationship with your best friend, someone who might perhaps have warned you about this man and his behaviour

He is sneaky and deceitful

He is selfish in his needs, expecting you to have sex even after you've had surgery down there

He set up two accounts on dating websites, one for married people

He lied about the other account

Now as usual you are talking about staying together for the sake of the kids. I hear that all the time on these type of threads. The OP realises that he is a bastard and a dick but in typical helpless fashion she makes excuses for him and says that she has to stay for the sake of the kids.

I hope to God you are not going to do that.

You want to know why he wanted sex when things were going well in your relationship? Because that's exactly what he wants; a nice homelife with an obliging wife and friends who all look up to him whilst he has a sordid affair on the side. His confidence is boosted by the happy patch and he wants more. If he did this whilst you were going through a rough patch, you might be more inclined to keep an eye on him. After all, you already know that he's sneaky and deceitful right?

As for the kids, well what do you think would be more damaging? Having two parents who are unhappy, in a relationship without trust, honesty and respect or two parents who are happily living their own separate lives and who spend quality time with the kids?

Often separated parents do just that, the time they spend with the children is quality time.

But you haven't split up with him yet so there is no point in jumping the gun. You are merely trying to understand his actions and I really think that is a waste of time. You won't ever understand him. You might think you know him, but you obviously don't.

I do fear for your marriage but my worst fear is that he will end up controlling you, he'll put the blame back onto you and make you feel that you drove him to this, that you are at fault, that you are spying or being jealous and you will take all of this onboard. You will beleive his promises and you will take the safer option which is to sweep it under the carpet and hope that your marriage can move on.....until the next time he gets caught out.

I think you are getting some great advice here. I hope it makes a difference.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:31:22

My friend and I lost touch quiet a few years ago, we'll before the dating site last summer, but my H did bring this up last year when I found out about the site and that's where I came unstuck and started with the doubts.
By bringing up my friendship and still accusing me of something I hadn't done, made me wonder if I have it wrong, what if all he dud was join the sites and nothing else ?

If I was a friend going through this I would make suggestions her marriage was clearly over, being on the other side the view is very different and I am really shocked at my response and how I am looking for definite answers .. Think I am in shock and can't believe people have seen my husband openly touting on a site for affairs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 13:32:20

"I opened a bogus account too, just a name, no details so I could send a message to my H, "

That was stupid. Stooping to his level.. You have to tackle him directly, face to face. He's been caught not only with his hands in the cookie jar but cookie crumbs round his chops and wearing an 'I steal cookies' T-shirt. Who cares how happy things are/were at home?

"Smiley* - you say you are looking for definite answers. To get answers you need the questions.

May I suggest:
1) Is my husband an arsehole?
2) Is he a controlling twat?
3) Am I being a doormat in falling for his excuses and staying?

Definite answers to all three questions - YES, YES and YES.

Seriously, if you remain in this marriage, this will carry on and on. Think of the lessons your children will learn. Your husband has taken every chance he can to HUMILIATE you in public and on the internet. What more evidence do you need???

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:37:51

Therubarb your last paragraph was spot on and yes I am getting great advice here.
At the moment my head is playing tennis, left to right and the advice is helping me gain points and not feel guilty, why in earth a situation like this should make me feel guilty I haven't a clue

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 13:38:09

"Think I am in shock and can't believe people have seen my husband openly touting on a site for affairs."

Shock is one thing but aren't you angry at the humiliation he's causing you? Even if he's only there out of curiosity, even if it's all totally innocent and even if you have got entirely the wrong end of the stick... what he's done is the equivalent of hiring a local billboard advertising 'who fancies a shag?'

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:45:08

Yes I did feel degraded opening the account and I did feel I was at his level , but done now and at least I saw how the site works and the opportunist who frequent those sites as did my H, this gave me a clearer picture if the types of people who join these sites.

Yes I do feel humiliated too, ashamed too.

Going to the gym to burn off some energy and try to clear my head, while I work this out.

H goes on a course today for a few days time to give me breathing space and hence asking mums net for advice.

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 13:48:57

Honestly , I have no anger, I feel sick, upside down but no anger, something I learned to contain from an early age and my downfall but hey there are many ways to deal with things and anger doesn't work for me.

In a situation like this being angry is the fuel I need but I wouldn't be able to think straight and be a waste if space to my family, no angry can wait til I decide how I am going to deal with this.x

NishiNoUsagi Mon 29-Apr-13 13:50:20

made me wonder if I have it wrong, what if all he did was join the sites and nothing else?

OP, that alone is a horrible thing to do! Why would he even join if he wasn't interested in finding extra marital sex? At the very least he would have been getting off on the thrill of possibilities..for me that alone would be hugely overstepping the mark. Hugely. Regardless of whether he'd gone through with anything or not, it would destroy the marriage for me.

You are desperately searching for an explanation or justification for his behaviour. You are trying to convince yourself that it wasn't too bad, or you can't end it without 'proof' or you might have misunderstood things.
Well there is no explanation, justification or rationalisation for this. Sorry. What he has done is enough to destroy a marriage, destroy the trust and honesty between you and ruin your happiness forever if you try to ignore move past it.

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 14:13:56

Smiley, this man has clearly eroded your confidence and self worth. You had a friendship that he ruined and he dares to bring that up in your face as evidence that you are wrong to accuse him?

You met your friend BEFORE your H. You did not set up profiles on seedy websites or pay to join one. Your friendship was platonic, truthful and honest which is a far cry from what he is being right now.

If you confront him he will:

a) bring up your past friendship again
b) accuse you of being paranoid
c) state he was just looking/being curious
d) make you feel guilty for even questioning him when you yourself have been questioned in the past

He is really going to go to town on this past friendship of yours which ended years ago isn't he? He will throw it in your face at every opportunity and try to compare that incident with this one.

Yet it was HIM who told your bloody family and friends that you were having an affair so if he really wants to compare fairly, how about you do the same to him?

He will make you question yourself, he will make you feel stupid and he will bring it all back to you because he is a control freak who thinks he has you right where he wants you.

This man has 'abuser' written all over him. He has taken away your close friend, he has robbed you of that support, he has eroded your confidence and he has stolen your dignity. Like you say, he could have hooked up with someone local from that website. I'm sure other people will have seen his profile but he knows full well that not many people are going to admit being on a dating site for married people, so he felt that his secret was safe.

Clear your head, confide in your family and friends, get some support and real life advice from people who know you both. Once you make a decision you will feel more empowered and he'll come back home to a very different woman who won't stand for any more of his bullshit.

Get angry, then find ways to channel that anger into something productive.

Pandemoniaa Mon 29-Apr-13 14:21:58

daily texts of how much he loves me flow every hour,

Without wanting to sound hurtful, this is the easiest of ways to try and prove his credentials. In reality, he's far from the perfect husband is he? Because decent men who are committed to making their relationships work don't set up profiles on dating sites. This flow of daily texts is a great diversion tactic though.

Even if he hasn't been active on these sites since last year, the issue is that he used them and for all you know, is still using similar sites but has covered his activities rather more successfully.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 14:33:38

"being angry is the fuel I need but I wouldn't be able to think straight and be a waste if space to my family"

Angry doesn't necessarily mean ranting, raving and hurling plates like a thing possessed ... 'Angry' is the emotion that sharpens the senses, cuts through the crap and gives you the clarity of self-respect that comes with indignation.

THERhubarb Mon 29-Apr-13 16:12:28

If I could click a 'Like' on your post Cognito I would do so.

BeCool Mon 29-Apr-13 16:17:49

"Angry doesn't necessarily mean ranting, raving and hurling plates like a thing possessed ... 'Angry' is the emotion that sharpens the senses, cuts through the crap and gives you the clarity of self-respect that comes with indignation."

^^ remember this OP.
Anger can be energising and motivating and a wonderful vehicle for change. Harness it and use it. Get your strop on & make something happen to change your life for the better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 16:21:14

<bows> Unmanaged anger and you get that 'loose cannon' effect which is pointless. However, managed fury is a very powerful & visceral emotion that means people finally start taking you seriously.

I think the DH in this story is basically taking the piss. He is able to hold hands and send 'I love you' texts etc. because he knows he's pulling the wool over the OP's eyes. He strikes me as smugly believing that because he keeps getting away with it he he is beyond the law... untouchable. He doesn't care that he's advertising on a local site and that word will probably get back because he regards the OP with complete contempt. He thinks she's a mug...

SmileyEyez Mon 29-Apr-13 18:26:49

It's odd but I can't find anger just yet, just dis belief.
Not prepared for this at all, but your words are motivating.
I need to get some things organised this week and gear myself up to show him the pictures I found of him, I was thinking of having them framed for him and another 100 copies made, to show I have intent to post copies to friends and relations should he try to reverse blame or innocence.

I think I am in shock, I feel numb more than anything else. X

Crinkle77 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:38

Sorry but if you are 'innocent' you don't put your profile on a dating website even if it is out of curiosity. Kick him out

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 18:42:18

Remember that actions speak louder than words - this man's actions do not match his love texts hmm

The fact that he went public about his accusations that you are having an affair is terrible - how fucking dare he?! I agree with those who say its projection and suggestive of his standards/morals.

Hissy Mon 29-Apr-13 19:21:40

Ice cold fury is literally delicious.

You'll get there.

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