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Can he force me to be a SAHM?

(86 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Fri 12-Apr-13 17:15:19

As you're probably aware after my previous thread my DH is a jerk to me. He is however good with our kids. Anyway, I've been a SAHM since our eldest was born in July 2010. When then had another in Dec 2011.

DH thinks 'I have it easy' and that I am 'lazy'. He resents me being a SAHM. Yet whenever I try to bring up the topic of me working, he won't discuss it. My wage wouldn't cover childcare.

So am I trapped into being a SAHM? I am so desperately low. I can't do this anymore. With no respect, no appreciation, I just can't do it anymore.

My GP has boosted my antidepressants from 50mg to 100mg. I have a HV coming on Thursday (I've told her I want to return to work).

Am I trapped?

Also am I entitled to job seekers?

BranchingOut Sun 14-Apr-13 16:54:26

What did your DH say about it?

BlackMaryJanes Sun 14-Apr-13 15:09:28

Thanks everyone for holding my hand through this.

I've found myself obsessing over the inlaws situation (thread link in OP). I can't stop thinking about it and getting anxious.

* Blood is thicker than water.
* DH already resents me for being 'lazy' as he sees it.
* He now has people he admires telling him that I'm lazy.
* I feel invisible and devalued in my own home (DH would probably argue the same).
* I want to invite inlaws up here and have it out with them once and for all - face to face.

I'm now looking for an evening barmaid job. Surely then, they all have to shut up?

springyhappychick Sun 14-Apr-13 15:04:18

You could disguise it as that I suppose. But you can't go off to get your head/a place together then come back and get them. It would be deemed abandonment and you would struggle to get them back. If you went off on a holiday with the girls, then call it that, and don't be saying you're going on holiday to come back to separate. Two weeks is a long time if your kids are little though.

When I left my husband I had no interest in my children - which was why I was offered a place in a mother and baby unit. I had no interest in my kids because I was ill. I got better - especially when I was diagnosed with PND (although I think the depression was because of my marriage) and given treatment. I rented a house and gathered as much support as possible around me, both professional and social, and hunkered down to get better.

garlicyoni Sun 14-Apr-13 14:17:59

Springy, this is a bit of a diversion I suppose. Are you saying that a mother who went off for a few weeks to get her thoughts straight, then came back and initiated a separation keeping her children with her, would be deemed to have abandoned them? Surely not??

Nobody would ever go on a girly holiday confused

TimeIsACurrency Sun 14-Apr-13 12:47:12

Just to say, hope you're ok today OP. You did such a great thing calling the Samaritans on Friday.
There are some very wise and incredible people on MN who have been where you're at, and come through it, so please stay on here to keep talking to them.

springyhappychick Sun 14-Apr-13 12:20:10

whether to leave by yourself first, then get the kids later

You won't be able to do this. It is considered abandonment and the likelihood of you getting your kids back is slim. I'm so sorry.

I agree with other posters that your vile H has brainwashed you to think you are crap. You have believed him. I was in a similar situation to the one you are in now. I left with my children. I was in the depths of depression, very ill.

at the time I thought the kids would be better off without me but underneath somewhere, I knew that wasn't true, that it was depression (and sustained abuse) speaking.

You have to get away from this shit. I was offered an in-patient place at a mother and baby unit but they couldn't take my toddler (what use was that offer then?!) - though things may have changed. Get in touch with WA at your absolute earliest. Get on the Freedom Programme asap.

It's taken a while to brainwash you, it'll take a while to unravel the web he has wound around you.

Plenty of us have been where you are now and plenty of us got out. You can do it. Your kids need you. They especially need you to get them away from their father. he is not a good dad - but you will see that one day if you don't see it now.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Sun 14-Apr-13 00:09:41

I second the last two posters: talking things through and constantly re-evaluating are very good ways of figuring out exactly what is going on.

garlicyoni Sat 13-Apr-13 22:20:59

You're so right, buttons, I carried on doing that for years! I still get the odd surprise that people are so much more decent than I had come to accept.

Go ahead, BMJ, tell us about some incident or regular complaint at home, and we'll help you deconstruct it.

bigbuttons Sat 13-Apr-13 22:04:12

you NEED to keep talking. You know what really helped me? That was to ask people here on MN if things my ex did were actually normal or not. I had become so conditioned into thinking I was a crazed woman , a shit mother and housekeeper that I believed him. You NEED to get some perspective, it will help.
There is a wonderful thread on abusive relationships, very supportive. I know how you are feeling, really I do. Talk to others who are experiencing the same as you. You will find that these men follow a very similar script.

garlicyoni Sat 13-Apr-13 19:33:08

I'm really glad your talk with Samaritans was helpful. I suppose you'll be trying to keep your head down this weekend, but please do carry on reaching out as soon as you can get space. Womens Aid / Refuge would be a good next call, I believe. You can ring them just to talk, they won't pressurise you in any direction smile 0808 2000 247

MMcanny Sat 13-Apr-13 18:59:17

Get a job around his work hours to start with? Just to give you something outside of yourself/relationship/home. Have not seen your other threads so no idea why police would be interested. Are you still talking to the friend who phoned them? Do you understand why friend did that?

Ledkr Spain Sat 13-Apr-13 18:50:00

Thank goodness for that.
Are you going to do anything?
I remember how hard it was to make the decision to end things but I'm just so glad I did. My life is so nice I dread to think how it would have been with him.

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Apr-13 18:47:17

You are depressed and your partner is unsupportive and you have children who will pick up on this
How much clearer can I make it! Your environment is making you feel bad and will continue to make you feel worse. Get your head out of the sand and have a good look at your life, take your children and run. I mean it! Your life will only be worse if you stay.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 13-Apr-13 18:36:34

I'm okay guys. Thanks for your concern. Nothing has changed with my situation but I'm okay.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Sat 13-Apr-13 08:05:34

Checking in on you OP. Can you let us know if you're ok?

pigsDOfly Fri 12-Apr-13 23:22:31

How are you now OP?

Please don't think of leaving without your children. You sound terribly depressed and your GP just throwing more medication at you is not going to deal with your situation.

Sounds to me like you're going round in circles. Forget finding work at the moment. You're priority is to get your depression sorted out. Your DH does sound to be, if not the whole reason for your depression, a huge part of it. You need to be away from him at least until you can see a bit more clearly. You need to concentrate on your health and your children. As others have said WA is the place to start.

OP are you ok?

Ledkr Spain Fri 12-Apr-13 22:34:17

Unfortunately I speak from experience sad

Tortington Fri 12-Apr-13 22:25:25

you need to leave

Crikey sweetheart you're going through it tonight. What is your rough location? Are you safe?

Possibly not the greatest thing your friend could have done, but out f concern for you and DCs I do understand why.

Please come back and just tell us that you are safe xx

flaminghoopsaloohlah Fri 12-Apr-13 22:21:43

Ledkr speaks sense.

Ledkr Spain Fri 12-Apr-13 22:19:14

Op if you feel even the slightest bit scared stay calm and get out as soon as you safely can. Do not antagonise him tonight play it down until you can get through the night safely.
Is is worth pming someone your r name and area in case you need help quickly

flaminghoopsaloohlah Fri 12-Apr-13 22:14:57

Shit and fuck. That was possibly not the best move on your friends part. Your DH's reaction is alarming. OP are you ok?

flaminghoopsaloohlah Fri 12-Apr-13 22:14:53

Shit and fuck. That was possibly not the best move on your friends part. Your DH's reaction is alarming. OP are you ok?

BlackMaryJanes Fri 12-Apr-13 22:05:44

No idea sad

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