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If a verbally abusive H accuses me of being an abuser...

(111 Posts)
ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:20:31

How do I deal with this?

Short history: married 8 years, 3 dc's between us from previous marriage. He has become increasingly verbally abusive over last few years: flies off handle at anything, threatens to leave lots, says I disrespect him. Shouts, swears, name calls, points, gets in my face. Brings stuff up that's irrelevant to argument from the past, can go silent/nasty/vindictive for days afterwards.

Otherwise a good man who protects us and we have lots of fun and shared friends.

I cry usually, wear heart on sleeve, hate unresolved conflict.

He has now accused me of being his abuser. I can't cope with that. I want to get my head straight to try and decide rationally what to do.

How do I deal with being called an abuser when I'm not? I'm in bits.

HollyBerryBush Fri 15-Mar-13 19:28:34

How is he accusing you of being an abuser? what are his examples? are you physical, emotional, verbal, withdrawing affection etc?

colditz Fri 15-Mar-13 19:32:26

Tell him that you have rethought his offer to leave, and that you would now like him to find somewhere else to live.

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:33:32

I could never withdraw emotionally. I can be a pain in the arse sometimes and sometimes be a bit snappy if I'm tired or stressed but no more. I always apologise straight after. I wouldn't in any way class myself as abusive and seriously don't know why he us saying these things to me. He is unhappy because I don't iron his shirts enough and treat him with enough respect so be says but I honestly don't know what else I could possibly do. I work more hours than him and do nearly everything at home...I'd like a chance to rest sometimes so don't iron.

I really don't think I'm abusive at all!

Leverette Fri 15-Mar-13 19:36:23

Accusing you of being an abuser is a standard trick in the real abuser's arsenal. Can you see how it's got you on the back foot, losing confidence in your perception of your own behaviour, and resolving to do better in future?

Sounds like hell for you and DCs.

Leverette Fri 15-Mar-13 19:37:10

Why can't he iron his own shirts?

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:38:41

I will say that this is the only thing he's ever said that had left me doubting myself. He's said some awful things before but I believe in myself and have largely been able to shrug it off. But to be accused if that us just too much. I feel like I'm going slightly mad...

ImperialBlether Fri 15-Mar-13 19:39:57

OP, you described him as a really vile man, then you said, "Otherwise a good man..."

He sounds really awful and now he's saying you're abusive. My advice is to end it with him, but I don't think you'll do that.

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:40:24

He can iron his own shirts but apparently it shows I'm paying him attention if I do it. Everything else I do at home he says I'd do anyway because of the DCs (cooking, cleaning etc) and he seems to think me ironing his shirts is 'just for him'?!!

WinkyWinkola Fri 15-Mar-13 19:45:06

Obscured, that is a bizarre rationale about ironing his shirts! What a weirdo.

He just can't be arsed to do it anD so is laying it thick to make you feel bad so you do it.

My dh did this. I have now told him as a grown man, he can do his own shirts. I do all the dcs stuff and that's it.

I think you definitely need time apart. Be very clear as to why.

FrozenBrikSchittHaus Fri 15-Mar-13 19:47:48

What does he do that is just for you?

pictish Fri 15-Mar-13 19:50:35

Oh goodness OP, he really has got you wrapped around his manipulative, bullying little finger hasn't he?

You snap sometimes do you...and apologise.

Does he apologise for calling you names, swearing, pointing his finger in your face, losing his temper over nothing and all the other appalling shit he does?

babyhammock Fri 15-Mar-13 19:51:05

Honestly? I'd think 'thank god I don't actually have children with him' and just leave.
He sounds vile. Don't ever let him make you doubt yourself again.

pictish Fri 15-Mar-13 19:51:16

And the shirts 'just for him?' - that actually makes me feel a little sick.

WitchOfEndor Fri 15-Mar-13 19:51:29

I think that you should tell him that as he feels that you are abusing him the only alternative is for him to leave. He is projecting what he does to you, and hoping that you will toe the line for fear of 'abusing' him.

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:52:35

No, I doubt I will leave him imperial because at the moment I feel utterly beaten and confused. I have made an Appointment to see my do for be t week with a view to getting some ADs so I can get my head straight and find a way forward.

He likes to buy me stuff when he can; he takes control of dealing with big companies so I don't have to.

Seabright Fri 15-Mar-13 19:57:04

But does he buy stuff for you tht you need/want,or that he thinks you should need or want? Likewise the admin tasks he does, does that benefit both of you?

He's projecting.

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 19:58:40

He sometimes apologises for over reacting but only after days and days of continued cold shoulder treatment and nasty comments. He never actually says what he's apologising for: just 'over reacting'. He always says I have to modify my behaviour and I even we t to counselling a few years ago to see if I could change. I do t regret it as I laid some ghosts to rest and am more secure as a person.

Rationally, I know I'm not abusive but it is honestly the worst thing anyone has said to me and I'm finding it really hard to cope with.

Hissy Fri 15-Mar-13 20:04:53

He is throwing what HE is, and what hurts you daily AT you, to hurt and destabilise you.

It's a tactic. The abuser script.

Ignore it and KNOW that you really aren't abusive.

cjel Fri 15-Mar-13 20:07:33

I'd suggest that you are now ready for another few sessions of counselling to move on to the next stage of you becoming more secure in your own value.xx

Hassled Fri 15-Mar-13 20:12:25

You really are obscured by clouds, aren't you? It's possible that you wouldn't feel the need for ADs if you weren't being completely head-fucked by this monstrous bully. Please give Women's Aid a call and talk it all through with someone - what your options are, what's really going on.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 20:26:03

That shirt thing - my H has done this and I'm so glad to hear people saying it's weird!

If you were abusive, you wouldn't question yourself enough to be destabilised by the accusation. So the fact that it's got you worried is evidence that you don't need to worry!

Since you say that this is the first thing that's got you feeling "beaten and confused", that the rest of his VA hasn't affected you much, watch out for his response when he realises he's really hurt you.

ObscuredByClouds Fri 15-Mar-13 20:32:22

What do you mean by 'watch his reaction'? Should I be worried. The rest of the VA has upset me but not rocked my core like this has.

He really doesn't care if I'm upset. He really believes what he says, believes with conviction.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 15-Mar-13 20:37:23

That's pretty sad that he doesn't care if you're upset, isn't it? I was just wondering if it might get worse than that - like he might actually enjoy the feeling of power that having upset you gives him.

Do you want to leave? If it didn't feel so hard?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 15-Mar-13 20:41:44

Of course he does OP, he's "king of the castle".

In other words he's a chauvenistic arse.

Don't do this to yourself anymore OP. I second saying you wouldn't need AD's if he was out of the picture.

Don't get caught up in this "Am I Abusive" trap, because that's exactly what it is.

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