Mumsnet Talk

I would have thought it was only unwanted sexual harassment if he knew it was unwanted? If he'd carried on after then yes but is just asking the question sexual harassment? Genuine question.

I was thinking it came under the heading of 'unwanted sexual harrassment'.

Do you think an unwanted sexual advance is a criminal offence?

though not sure if Debretts have a chapter or not on this stuff?

Bwaaa-haaa.. I definitely think MN should petition for one though eh??!

OP I do have sympathy for you. I think your head is full of romantic notions of charming princes and you want a bit of love and affection not to mention a shag and instead you get swinger boy offering himself on a plate... I partly see why you're disillusioned but you have to see how you've overreacted. At least he was open. At least you know (though nobody actually does know in this case) that his wife knew about it, and it's still more honest than the hypocricy of people in supposedly monogomous relationships shagging rings around them (see other threads on this board).

Don't expect this to be the last married man who propositions you, only in most cases, the wife won't know!

Rather oddly, I never expect to have a laugh on the Relationships boards. Who knew?

FWIW, I think the couple are in the wrong here, to a point. You don't involve friends unless they are a couple and you are propositioning them for a swap. That's normal (in terms of etiquette) though not sure if Debretts have a chapter or not on this stuff?

In this case, not a good idea to proposition a single mum who is already a 'mate' - that constitutes shitting in your own bed and I don't know any swingers that would do that not that I know many swingers, these days....

But, the hysterical reaction to it all is just that. Hysterical (apologies to feminists for use of a misogynistic word, but can't think of a better one). It's not your bag, fine. It upsets you, fine. Coming on here and sounding off about people whose cultural boundaries are different from yours is offensive.

If you want empathy, you probably need to start showing some yourself.

I think actually the OP was expecting this conversation to go in a different direction and it to become a nice cosy chat about what man she would like etc etc.

Am beginning to think OP has some issues to work thru. Surely no one gets upset at the thought of sex with a married man who is in an open relationship, yet thinks 50 shades is something to aim for!

I may have my BDSM interests but I would despise 50 shades to happen to me!

bongobaby I get why you are upset. You are questioning your entire friendship. You thought you were making friends, and now it turns out that possibly, you were just pointed out to her by her dh as a possible future shagee, and she befriended you purely with this in mind. This is what you are worrying about? Maybe it was like that, maybe she is looking for women to befriend for her husband to shag. Maybe they enjoy an open marriage, or maybe the husband enjoys and open marriage who knows.

Maybe the holiday was meant to be sexual, rather than friends taking their kids out somewhere fun. You have all these questions in your head.

But I think, (aside from him being a twat to approach you in your home to "talk about you and his wife falling out" and so being invited in on false pretences) at least he did not try to romance you and try to have an affair with you.

At least. That is the only good thing in the saga. He was open and upfront and you now know what is what. They are no longer going behind your back.

You can now move on without any sadness on your part that your friendship is ruined, because you know now there was no friendship. Not if she let her husbands desires come in and ruin it.

She could have said "Back off, she is my friend, and I dont want our sexlife come in the way of this friendship. I dont think she is up for it". But she did not. She did not know you well enough to stand up for you and shield you for this. She did not value your friendship enough.

At least that is what I would have felt (and did feel when a friend suggested similar way back when I was young and pretty)

Oh I see, sorry lots of people really do think there is AF in it.

The anal fisting thing was a joke mainly I think to embarrass me!

Oh ffs there is no anal fisting in fsog, and he doesn't mistreat her. He does have issues, but they fall in love and work through them together.

THat is, smelling ishoos, not BS.

And thinking about it SGB, isnt this scenario step one in her "50 shades fantasy"? Smelling something.....

Is that what its about SGB? I had no idea. I haven't read it because, as my sister so eloquently put it whilst we were browsing the sale in Debenhams, "if I want to read about anal fisting I can do that on the internet for free." The looks on the faces of the old dames in there was something to behold!

I didnt realise that it was so awful. Rape fiction, lovely.

Why would you be a home wrecker? Just because he wants to sleep with you doesn't mean he will then want to leave his wife and dc.

It doesn't sound like she wants to be friends with you anymore so it's a bit of a none issue, you don't need to have anything more to do with them.

I don't understand why you didn't just tell your friend that it wasn't your thing when she told you what they were into.

OP, you sound like you are very messed up and unhappy about sex in general. You have every right to refuse sex and sexual advances you don't want, but someone asking if you would be interested in having sex with him/her is not attacking you. A simple 'No, thanks' would have sufficed. And only if 'No, thanks' was not accepted would you have any cause to complain.

Now you are screaming about your '50 shade of grey fantasy' - that book describes a man pursuing a woman who tells him no thanks, stalking her and coercing her into a kind of relationship she doesn't want. He mistreats her, but because she is a totally vacant buckethead 'warm loving woman' she ends up getting him to marry her, even though he's a stalkerish arsehole who's only into BDSM because he has ishoos... If that's your fantasy, why are you freaking out about someone asking you if you want a shag?

I really don't understand why you are angry?

- His wife didn't tell him he could sleep with you, she told him that as far as she was concerned he could ask you. Totally different things.

- A man asked you if you wanted to have sex with him - ... and? You are single - why shouldn't he ask you? He has 'permission' from his wife to ask, so why shouldn't he? He was being more upfront that schmoozing you...

- It's not 'an affair' if the wife has said it's OK by her.

- He was in your house - and? He asked you for sex, he didn't try to put any moves on you.

- You don't know about the holiday - maybe she just wanted to go on holiday with you?! You pulled out, she was pissed off and you both acted like kids or it wouldn't have ended in months of not talking. It doesn't mean she wanted anything sexual or was 'grooming' you fgs.

- Of course you aren't going to know how someone feels unless you either ask them or romance them are you?! In his situation (being married) it makes far more sense to be upfront and ask - also to let you know his wife is OK with him asking. He wasn't assuming you were up for it - he was ASKING if you were up for it. Big difference.

For once I'm with cogito....... it what he did isn't illegal, then it should be.

Oh yes, absolutely: asking someone for sex in their own home should be illegal.
Definitely.

I am PMSL at you fucking loons, really.

Are you reconsidering now, you seem to have put a lot of thought into it

Missy makes a good point.

This bluster doesn't ring true to me.

Agree with ExpatAl.

So this screaming tantrum and the abuse thrown at those who reject monogamy is very out of proportion.

What SGB said.

For once I'm with cogito....... it what he did isn't illegal, then it should be.



And Solidgold, well said you, xxxx

I'm loving the outrage, imagine, someone asking a member of the opposite sex if they fancied a bit. How terrible!

Actually, getting back to the original point, you only have his word for it that he has asked her. Maybe he asked you first and would have discussed it with her afterwards, she might be as pissed off as you to find that he wanted (excuse the phrase but it was used above) "shit on his own doorstep".

Don,t ask me to if its okay for your husband to shag me because he wants to!!!

Did he ask, or did she ask?

They aren't involving you though, are they! They ASKED if they could involve you.

I could understand your reaction if they asked you over to discuss issues, plied you with alcohol & started kissing/touching you. THAT is involving you, asking if you would be interested in sleeping with him is just that, ASKING!

The two are worlds apart!

Here we go...