Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Porn and lies(136 Posts)
I wonder if anyone can advise me on how to block porn from my home computers and husband's phone. DH has told me he is going to stop (again) but I want to make sure it can no longer be accessed in my home should he relapse. I have no sex life while DH seems prefers to prefer a wank over disgusting images. I have to protect my DCs and save my marriage
By the same token, one could say "Women just see shoes and handbags" rather than the exploited and sweated labour that produce them.
But that, like your comment, would be rendered worthless by its gross oversimplification.
I hope things will work out for you both. I hope you will consider some kind of counselling which will deal with the (separate, but related) lack-of-sex issue: if you are members of a church you can get these things (which might have the effect of scaring the bejeezus out of your husband) for free.
I don't think resuming your sex life will make an iota of difference in the long term. As you say, this has happened before and your partner continued to use porn and lie to you about it. Given his responses to you last week about all men using porn (they do not) it's very unlikely he's going to stop and so any promises to the contrary are likely to be lies again.
I'd focus on you and not him.
You've said that the sex is never going to be good while he's using porn, so don't confuse quantity with quality. Just because you're having sex now doesn't necessarily mean that it's good sex and you know what the difference is.
So really it's decision time. Like I said in my other post, you either decide that this is your lot and you put up with it, or you decide that you want something different for yourself and your children. Don't think for one minute that someone different is unavailable. Contrary to what he's told you, there are lots of men who don't use porn and their sexual performance is therefore unthreatened by it.
Faced with the loss of his private relationship versus the loss of his cyber one with porn, your partner might well make changes. But he won't if he thinks that he can lie repeatedly to you, deprive you of a satisfying sex life and still you'll stay with him.
There will be absolutely no incentive to change.
Can a man give up porn if his marriage depends on it? Has anyone known someone go from regular porn to no porn ever again? Is it possible he could miss porn in his life more than he would miss me and the DC?
I have told him I cannot live with porn in my life and I will be unable to live with him anymore if he cannot be trustworthy and respect me on this.
He denies that he has been disrespecting me by using porn, he said it's just a means to get off that is all. He denies ever lying to me too. He says he just didn't tell me stuff and that is not lying.
He says he wants to work at our marriage. I am not sure at this moment that he is prepared to work hard enough. And he expects me to take everything at his word from now on!
He has agreed to child filters at home to protect the DC from being fucked up by porn too.
Oh I hate that lying by omission bollocks. Not telling someone something you know they would want to know is just the same as lying. I had an ex that used to say, 'ah, but you didn't ask about that specific day...' etc etc. The criteria you had to fulfill to get an honest answer was akin to Mensa. Basically if I had known the answer I wouldn't have asked the question but I couldn't possibly know the question, which was his win-win. Don't entertain that idea, you will always feel you simply haven't asked the right thing and get more and more embroiled in figuring it out...
Ultimately it is a cheap quick fix he is after with porn. He wants relief ASAP and isn't patient enough to wait or whatever his justification is to himself. It is degrading for you when you are, presumably as you say, wanting sex and the one person who can give it to you is choosing to lie and use other women's bodies to satisfy his need and not yours. Considering he has already done this to you before and lied, I am not convinced, and think you should be wary of taking him at his word. He will know how to get around the security set up at home IMO.
Yes I've met several men who've given up porn, but with very different reasons for doing so.
Some give it up because they are aware it's having an effect on their real lives, especially their sexual responses i.e an inability to orgasm through sex with a partner, erectile dysfunction; so the motive is self-protection.
Some give it up because their use of it is upsetting a partner and what was only an occasional habit isn't worth that; so the motive is partly self-protection to maintain a relationship that's important to them and partly care and love for a partner's feelings.
Some give it up because they start to find out about the porn industry and what happens within it. Once they start humanising the women who are abused in porn, they find it impossible to view it through the same lens as hitherto. So their motives are humanitarian and political.
It doesn't sound like your partner wants to give up porn or sees it as a problem. He also doesn't understand the concept of telling lies by omission. He seems to be saying it's no big deal and that you should get over yourself.
I'd have more respect for his stance if he told you directly that he doesn't see a problem with it and will continue to use porn. Instead it sounds like he's lying to you and has no intention of changing. He'll just hide it better to avoid a row. While he's got an absolute right to do what he wants, he hasn't got the right to lie to you about that.
What do you honestly think? Do you think he'll give up porn full stop?
Despite what he says I believe he knows that porn is a big deal otherwise he wouldn't have tried so hard to keep it from my knowledge all these years. He is only trying to minimise it now because I found out about it.
As for him saying he has never disrespected me, that's just words and bullshit - his actions have disrespected me and violated the intimacy of our relationship.
I believe him that he wants to stop purely because he wants to stay married to me. I am sure he must know that a lifetime with me and sex is better than without me and wanking over porn to his heart's content.
I don't get the sense that he thinks porn is a big deal at all. I sense he thinks having rows about it and grief is a big deal, hence he lies about it. Self protection.
Yes, he does sound as if he knows it is a big deal for you. I hope he does the maths and realises that lying to you again will be the nail in the coffin. If you are going to try trusting him again, it won't hurt to point this out clearly.
I agree with Charbon though that the lying is the problem here. He has a choice but you need to be clear what that choice is so that he can't change the boundaries (i.e but you didn't want sex that time so I thought it was OK) - make it clear and the rest is up to him.
Thanks mnetters for your wonderful advice and support. It has really helped me to stay sane and focused. This isn't the sort of thing I can talk to anyone in RL about.
We have talked and rowed about this and I think he knows where he stands now but time will tell.
We are setting up open dns filters to protect every device in our home from porn. If DH gets bored of amazing real sex and ever wanted to indulge in porn again he would only have to go into my email to get the password. My accounts for everything (including mn) are always open and he knows how to get into my iPad which I leave at home when I am at work til late.
The original row we were having remains unresolved. But I am too shattered to argue anymore. No doubt it will rear it's ugly head again in the next few weeks so I may be back under my usual name.
Good luck OP.
Have to say though I notice how realistic you seem about his ability to give up porn - remember that the only thing that will motivate him at this stage is loss and he is still not really experiencing this isn't he?
Join the discussion
Please login first.