Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

(937 Posts)
akaemmafrost Tue 27-Nov-12 20:18:01

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

sieglinde Mon 17-Dec-12 10:24:31

I hate the Larkin poem, tbh. So smug, so certain, so smartarse. Larking pretty much exemplifies everything I hate about Britain, including the rabid Thatcherism.

Adrian Mitchell wrote this:

They tuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They give you all the quilts they have
And add some pillows just for you.

True too. Is being tucked up the same as being fucked up, as Mitchell implies? It can be.

sieglinde Mon 17-Dec-12 10:25:49

I like my own autocorrect - Larking for Larkin. Never was anyone less like a lark, or less larky... Grim old bugger. Did I mention the paedophilia and sadism, btw?

Letsmakecookies Mon 17-Dec-12 10:27:35

Bonsoir - I like your maxim!

Interesting, someone must have studied the effects of institutionalisation on children. In other countries, say Scandinavia all children are in full time nursery by 1 years old (after maternity leave finishes), it is really unusual to be a sahm.

Letsmakecookies Mon 17-Dec-12 10:31:51

Sieg bah humbug! I think the poem is so fabulously 70/80s and darkly amusing with a pinch of salt. But I do like your Mitchell version too, thank you. Both are very true and similarly dysfunctional.

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 10:32:59

I know lots of Swedish mothers here in Paris as the Swedish church and Swedish school are in my neighbourhood. There is universal relief among them at no longer having to participate in the Swedish system and they are either SAHMs or very high fliers - in Sweden, the only option is to occupy the middle ground, career-wise.

sieglinde Mon 17-Dec-12 10:43:37

LMC, I think we are in agreement - the 70s were not the brightest moment for the UK smile Where's the salt, incidentally?

But yes, my point is that they work best as a pair... And Bonsoir, totally agree about institutions. But there are many other options for WOHMs.

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 10:56:28

Alternatives to parental care vary wildly between countries and, indeed, across different parts of the same country. The institutional (regulated) model has been gaining a lot of ground in the UK in recent years, with ever more regulation of childminders and registration of nannies etc.

carpetsw33per Mon 17-Dec-12 14:03:10

This thread is very timely for me.

Just getting divorced now after 20 years. Was SAHM and then did part-time charity work while children were young.

When we had dc, we earned the same. Now DH earns 3 x my salary. Been divorcing for over a year. Spent 10k in solicitors' fees. No nearer to a solution. We have 50% residency so he won't pay maintenance. We wouldn't let me stay in the house - and it was too big for me to afford on my salary - so I left.

I'm in a two bed flat with two older children. I've received nothing from him. I can't see it ever ending well. I've just been served a redundancy notice from my charity job. He is sitting pretty in a massive house with his consultancy earnings going into untraceable accounts.

We are not honest with women about how vulnerable they are!!!

sieglinde Mon 17-Dec-12 17:18:31

carpet, so sorry to hear all this; really sad for you. Hope you find something else to do.

blueshoes Mon 17-Dec-12 17:24:58

Bonsoir, I disagree that the biggest predictor of a happy marriage is having grown up in one.

Having grown up with parents in a stalemate gave me a highly tuned twat radar. My siblings also made very good marriage choices. I very quickly got rid of boyfriends who did not make the cut. I agree with letsmake that it was my friends whose parents had secure marriages that could not see an arsehole staring them in the face.

But the point is that even happy marriages can turn sour when, amongst other things, mid life crisis strikes. Often one spouse (usually the woman) is taken by surprise when she discovers her husband having an affair, an affair he embarked on even whilst in an ostensibly happy marriage ... just read any number of threads in the 'relationship' section.

Bonsoir Mon 17-Dec-12 17:26:58

No I don't think happy marriages turn sour. I know all about mid-life crises and, frankly, the marriages that don't survive them were not "happy".

PessaryPam Thu 03-Jan-13 10:24:16

Claim support and let the bastard quit his job then. At least he will get some payback.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now