Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He's obsessed with sex...

(417 Posts)
Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 11:27:22

We have been dating six months , and they have largely been the happiest ever for me , except for his obsession with sex.... he takes it as rejection if I turn him down , and mostly manages to get over it.... but I turned him down last night , I was tired and stressed and not in the mood , (and his expectation is a huge turn off anyway)We were snuggled up , and he kept groping me which I was fending off but gently , to me it should be clear by then?! so he turns my face to his and insists on proper tongue snogging , which I had been evading... I HATE snogging if i'm not in the mood for sex.. I'm not frigid , when were both in the right mood the sex is incredible....he seems to think that because thats the case , we should ALWAYS be at it... so pissed off ,he turned his back on me last night, he's clearly sulking today...angry

schoolgovernor Wed 10-Oct-12 12:45:54

"a bad case of arrested development in his emotions"...
Really? Stop making excuses from him and listen to that inner voice that is screaming at you to get rid. You're only dating him, you haven't made vows or had children with him. Get rid. (Just as you hopefully would have done when you were younger, before you were married, and when you didn't view everyone you went out with as a prospective life partner).

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:46:56

I have wondered recently whether I need some counselling re the DV relationship... I have alot of PTSD type symptoms (pointed out by a close friend) Because he is so funny , charming , intelligent , empathic...etc ,a small voice (not the wise one) has wondered if it IS me thats fucked up for not wanting intimate intrusion adhoc.... I'm painfully aware that my thought processes are very skewed , I have severe depression , insomnia..and permanent crippling pain... DP is a chiropractor btw... ironic huh , so he gets to fix me ... a friend of mine has christened him The Wizard of Oz "Don't step behind the curtain yo" .. shes VERY worried about the headfuckery stuff....oh and that wise voice? its bizarre really... because I am the person so many people come to for relationship advice....hows that for ironic sad

schoolgovernor Wed 10-Oct-12 12:47:49

I'm just re-reading. You know what? If anyone I was dating started behaving like that in my bed he wouldn't still be in the house for breakfast. And if it was at his place, I'd just get up, get dressed and walk out. Just - yuck!

schoolgovernor Wed 10-Oct-12 12:50:57

We crossed. He ISN'T empathic. If he was empathic he would pick up on the fact that you were tired and just wanted a cuddle and react accordingly. And now you tell us that your friend is trying to warn you about him (and probably banging her head repeatedly against a brick wall). What more do you need to hear?
And when or hopefully if you do split up with him, don't agonise, don't engage in heart-wringing analysis with him. Just tell him it's not working, take back your key, hand him his stuff (ready in a bin bag) and shut the door behind him. It's not your job in life to try to mend broken creepy men like this.

Dahlen Wed 10-Oct-12 12:57:50

He is NOT a "gentle, empathic man".

A gentle empathic man would recognise that you needed time to just be with your DC. A gentle empathic man would not expect you to go straight to his house. He would think that maybe you'd want to go home, unpack and chill out for a few hours first. And he'd do all this immediately, not show off and then just SAY that he's sorry. All he's done by saying sorry is get you to forgive him while at the same time ensuring that your line in the sand has been drawn a little further away ready for next time.

A gentle, empathic man would respond to your pleas of tiredness/stress by offering to make you a cuppa, giving you a (non-sexual) massage.

A gentle, empathic man would want to nurse your hangover with breakfast and coffee, not 'seconds'.

A gentle, empathic man would pick up on your signals of not wanting sex and not force you to be explict about it (then sulk when you are).

A gentle, empathic man would not be causing you to have serious discussions about headfuckery two months into dating! shock

Seriously? the only solution to this is to call it a day. He may be better than your X but that doesn't make him ok and it's almost guaranteed that he will not get better, only worse, as every incident results in your boundaries being further eroded.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 13:00:13

'Normal' to me is a man that finds you sexually desirable, enjoys being tactile and affectionate with you but has the intelligence and maturity to understand 'no' even when it's not spelt out in letters six inches high and is happy to settle for a cuddle without sulking or making himself unpleasant. Normal is certainly not forcing physical intimacy of any kind.

Loneliness is such a terrible thing that many of us (myself included) have compromised standards and ignored inner voices rather than go back to it. So where you are is understandable and it doesn't make you weak or foolish. Just human

foolonthehill Wed 10-Oct-12 13:00:53

Big boot......contact.......his backside.......out of life.....no returns........better life.........counselling for self....even better life........good relationship with self, DCs and potentially partner........even better life.

bet this man isn't making your depression any better!

MaBaya Wed 10-Oct-12 13:06:36

Agree with other posters. It is NOT SEXY, as well as being invasive, rude and arguably abusive to pressurise someone in to sex or sulk if they dont feel in the mood. And only six months in and he cannt even be arsed to conceal this behaviour? Lucky escape. Move on!

susiedaisy Wed 10-Oct-12 13:08:42

Completely agree with all of cogitos posts!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Oct-12 13:13:15

I don't want to go on at you because you do clearly "get it", just wondering what you're going to do about it now and that's totally your decision, but would like to pick up on a seeming inconsistency. You say he's your best friend, you have a laugh together etc (and free chiropractic treatment too!), but then it appears that you only see each other for two and a bit days in the week and he expects to spend nearly all that time having sex, talking about having sex, trying to get you in the mood for sex... in other words not a great deal of time for healthy non-sex-related interaction, eh? Dunno about you, but I'd feel like a piece of meat on a slab rather than a loved partner. At least you've got friends to talk to who don't regard small talk as foreplay.

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:13:17

I hear you.... I know I have been really quite unwell with depression for a long time now... and no , he isn't helping depression wise , when it kicked off before I felt close to breakdown , and I'm a tough old boot really , I've been thru hell much of my life , my father was emotionally abusive , I'm a textbook case tbh.... how very boring.... I will make an appt to see Gp and request counselling.I know forcing kissing isnt normal...I think I've gone colder on him since that started , he's done that a few times and I fucking hate it... you are all entirely right , it was mumsnet who helped me see what my DV situ actually was , and helped me get out...

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Oct-12 13:14:45

Oh, and what Dahlen and Cogito and pretty much everyone else says.

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:15:36

I feel like a fucktoy tbh Annie... however he behaves..its there underneath , we talk online all the time in between about life and the universe... he says I drive him wild with desire ,I couldnt even get a new pair of boots without him being suggestive about me modelling them for him ffs

foolonthehill Wed 10-Oct-12 13:15:36

waving pompoms for Little blue..yay!

Dahlen Wed 10-Oct-12 13:16:14

Try to feel positively about it. You knew in your gut that something wasn't right. You did something about it. You got the information you needed and now you are going to kick this man into touch and get some help from your GP.

You have taken control of your life and this is proof positive that your instincts are good and can be relied on.

You have made more of a recovery than you know. smile

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:23:37

If I hadn't gone thru extreme and overt abuse , I would have a healthier perspective maybe... I'm not a stupid woman , just a bit blind cringe

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 10-Oct-12 13:33:33

You sound like a very strong and intelligent woman to me littleblue.

Dahlen Wed 10-Oct-12 13:34:44

Don't beat yourself up about it. You've recognised it for what it is. This is A Good Thing and something many women in similar situations will fail to do. Feel good about yourself for it.

Another thing to remember is that our whole society works against abused women. We're told about how important it is not to break up the family, how men generally don't like aggressive women (i.e. women who stand up for themselves), how important it is to get and keep a man, how women must have provoked a violent man (so shifting blame), how there's a fine line between passion and anger, etc. It all serves to normalise abuse.

piratecat Wed 10-Oct-12 13:37:30

to me too. very self aware.x

BigBroomstickBIWI Wed 10-Oct-12 13:41:10

Oh dear. I don't know much about DV or EA (thankfully), but just reading your OP made me shudder.

This man is assaulting you.

You are not stupid, but you are coming from a damaged place (sorry - couldn't' think of a better/more diplomatic way to put that), but hopefully the responses from everyone here will help you to reach a more 'normal' perspective.

I think you need to get shot of him sad

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:42:03

thank you xx

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:44:59

I just tried to imagine myself forcing a snog on someone who clearly didnt want it.... yes , its assault.

littleblue we live in a world where all kinds of abusive relationships are held up as ideals that are madly romantic and sexy (twilight, 50 sodding shades) and frankly, even those of us who have been fortunate enough to NOT bump into abusive partners are still a bit warped by all the 'women must be dominated, want to be protected, swept off their feet' bollocks. I salute you for listening to that still small voice of 'heyyy wait a moment, this isn't right!' and planning to do something about it. Well done you!

When are you going to tell him?

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:52:49

I don't watch tv much or read supermarket porn..lol , I'm a hardass feminist in fact... its a complex situ , as I'm also a tad submissive... tmi I know , but its relevant , and I think he's exploiting that...but thats all about trust , DEEP trust , and enjoying a bit of (very) mild domination in bed only should be deployed once there's a clear green light....such a relationship takes maturity and shit loads of respect... so yes , its a mess .... I need to gain a bit of bloody clarity on all of it...

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 13:56:04

I'm out of the whole relationship thing for a long while after this....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now