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He's just been to a nude lap dancing bar :(

(366 Posts)
RunnyBum Sat 06-Oct-12 00:56:34

H just back from nude lap dancing bar, he has been on stag dos before and he knows I hate it. I'm gutted, he says I should forget this one "mistake" as he (allegedly) didn't has a private dance as he knows I would hate that. He claims he was just curious (inspite having been before and knowing all about it!!) Being in front of a naked woman that isnt me, for kicks just feels like cheating on some level. Oh and he wasn't on a stag tonight just out with a friend.

Found out as I Where's My Iphone'd him as he was meant to just be in our town, and I thought he'd be heading home.

We're meant to be going away on a romantic break in a few weeks, but a the minute I don't want him near me sad

How would u deal with this?

Offred Sat 06-Oct-12 09:06:57

Glad I'm not the only one who considers this a deal breaker. I've been abused and bullied often for my "infamous" statement that I'd rather my dh had an affair than went to a strip club because going to a strip club shows a level of comfort with the abuse/ownership of women whereas having an affair would be about feelings for someone else.

I don't think it matters whether you op should feel like me or figgygal or anything in between. What matters is only how you do feel about it. Those are feelings you are entitled to feel - if you feel it is cheating that is a valid feeling (not mine but I can see why) and I don't think people should get to tell you where your boundaries are in a relationship.

QuickLookBusy Sat 06-Oct-12 09:13:55

Agree with all those saying it is a deal breaker. I just couldn't be with someone who thought it was ok to stand in a room full of exploited young women.
The thing is, these men think the women are loving it. So he would be a very thick, deluded man and I wouldn't be able to put up with that.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Oct-12 09:26:03

It is a deal breaker for me - lap dancing clubs are part of the sex industry and going to one shows you have warped sexist attitudes about women.

Not everything that goes on is "legitimate" and I am sure many of the women working there do not view being perved over by dirty fuckers and having to perform as "good fun"hmm

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Sat 06-Oct-12 10:00:57

Deal breaker for me too.

TheKettle Sat 06-Oct-12 10:20:22

The thread title says 'nude' lap dancing club. Does that mean at this particular establishment the women don't wear a thong? I thought most areas of the UK licensing laws specify that they have to wear knickers of some description? I'm so out touch.
If they're nude it's even more abhorrent. It's always sickened me if a DP of mine goes to one and I was naive enough to think they were just looking at breasts/bum...

zippey Sat 06-Oct-12 10:26:35

You women are a bit too harsh in my opinion. He hasnt had an affair, and he hasnt been with a prosititute. He may have been to this bar, watched the women and had a few drinks. Alternativly he could have been at another bar, watched 22 men kick a ball about and had a few drinks doing it.

I dont know if you can call the people who work there exploited. They are doing their job and probably being paid well for it. Better that than be exploited for minimum wage at another job you despise. Thats a whole diffe3rent argument I guess. But women who work there will often choose to do so.

Men might think the women involved are loving it, but the same could be said for people getting served by a happy looking assitant in a shop.

I dont see the essential difference between womens strip clubs, which are looked upon as acceptable and mens clubs which are looked upon as seedy.

But I agree with offred when she says it really is the OPs decision about where she draws the line.

Bluestocking Sat 06-Oct-12 10:35:19

Dealbreaker for me too.
zippey, read this account of time spent in one of Britain's oldest lapdancing clubs and see if you think it's just "doing a job".

OneMoreGo Sat 06-Oct-12 10:36:23

It would be a dealbreaker for me too, and I also agree with Offred in that I'd prefer him to have an affair than go to a strip club, for the same reasons.

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 10:39:42

Dealbreaker for me too

TheKettle Sat 06-Oct-12 10:59:08

you women is never a good way for a man to start a discussion where he wants to be heard. JMO.

glastocat Sat 06-Oct-12 11:02:38

Deal breaker for me too, simply because I couldn't love and respect someone who thought this was ok.

glastocat Sat 06-Oct-12 11:03:10

You women? Wtf?

Proudnscary Sat 06-Oct-12 11:20:33

I'd have a big problem with this as he was just out with a mate.

I wouldn't be terribly impressed if he visited said club on a stag do but as that would be borne out of a stupid and juvenile group decision and what 'men are supposed to do' on stag nights, I'd roll my eyes, call him a creep and forget about it.

I'd do what Izzy said really.

QuickLookBusy Sat 06-Oct-12 11:23:15

You women?? Ha ha ha

Sorry, but I didn't read anything further than your first two words zippey. I wonder if I missed anything hmm

CarrotsForRebeccaRabbit Sat 06-Oct-12 11:29:02

I would be devestated if my DH did this.

Firstly because we are married, commited nd I see NO reasn for him to feel the need to see naother naked woman stood in front of him.

Secondly he knows my confidence is low and it would affect me deeply to know he had been looking at another womns body and I would assume, compring it to mine

(BTW he has never been to any type of strip club .. or club... or even pub!)

And thirdly I would make me sick to my stomach to see him treat some stranger as a piece of meat to oogle and letch at. Who knows the circumstances that brought her to be in that line of work, possibly some desperatly sad ones and I see it as exploition.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 11:38:32

Well, looking at the facts:

He's been before so he wasn't 'curious' - that was a lie.

He says he didn't pay for a personal dance but would he tell you the truth if he had?

He knew that you would be upset if he went there, but did it anyway.

He says he only went because of his friend so he is either a) too weak to speak up for himself or b) lying

Not much there to respect is there? Not much respect for you either.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Oct-12 11:43:02

zippey But women who work there will often choose to do so

And the ones that don't choose? How do you know which are which when you are watching a woman strip? Serious question.

janelikesjam Sat 06-Oct-12 12:15:21

I have some sympathy with what Fairenuff says. If it feels like a minor abberation I would probably be upset for a few days but perhaps get over it? OTOH I would find it strange if I had an established partner who found himself wanting to go and watch strippers, unless he was a cokehead or something shock. But if there are deeper issues about your differing values and relationship, I guess you need to think about that OP.

p.s. I am not sure that lapdancers feel that exploited though. They often get alot of money for not doing very much.

BillyBollyBandy Sat 06-Oct-12 12:56:23

I think that you need to consider the damage on your mental health of being treated as a commodity night after night, and the level of self esteem these women have to make them think this is the best they can do. Apart from the violence/drug issues which are often in the background of most sex workers.

There will always be some who come through unscathed, but the majority don't. Which doesn't equate to getting a lot of money for not doing very much.

And finally, sadly there are often not just dances on offer at these clubs. And I think we all accept the impact of prostitution on a person.

MaBaya Sat 06-Oct-12 13:08:35

It wouldnt bother me massively if it was a rare occurrence, although my DH has only been once and hated it. But it does matter that he knows this upsets you and yet has still done it. Is he going to do it again? A frank discussion is needed. He must at keast take your feeings into account. It wasnt a mistake - thats lame - he went and paid to watch nude girls dance willingly.

quietlysuggests Sat 06-Oct-12 13:37:15

Do you think he does this regularly?
Would he not have to very very unlucky that you found out on his first time there?

I would ridicule and berate him for the rest of his natural life or till I got bored

Any complaint would be met with "So what, you went to a lapdance bar you sick fucker"

He would rue the day he ever thought that was a good idea.

SomethingOnce Sat 06-Oct-12 17:59:20

Men might think the women involved are loving it, but the same could be said for people getting served by a happy looking assitant in a shop.

zippey, if you'd feel the same way about a woman you love doing either of those for a living, whilst faking happy, then fine. If not, what does that tell you?

janelikesjam Sat 06-Oct-12 18:42:15

What Major B said earlier is an interesting way to approach the subject.

Billy, I have sympathy for what you say, it is not something I would want to do. But some lap dancers do not engage in prostitution or have mental health problems. I think it is relatively easy money, though I agree not without its "price" at least in terms of social respectability. Some women earn a considerable amount with no education in relation to other alternatives.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Oct-12 18:55:52

Just out of interest... do we think the kind of men that go around nightclubs full of happily squealing women doing 'Full Monty' acts also have histories of violence, drugs and low self-esteem for being treated as a commodity?

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