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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He has just told me that he no longer fancies me enough to have sex - devastated!

78 replies

bevy2603 · 21/12/2011 22:02

Please help me! I am new to this site and need help. My husband told me on Sunday that he does not find me sexually attractive he says that my weight gain is part of the reason why we have a once a month sex life - I was going to the gym up till the summer and my routine changed after our summer holiday and starting a new job! Think I have probably put a stone on and am now a size 16! He has a stressful job which he also blames on his lack of interest! I can't eat sleep or think straight I am so hurt so broken hearted we have been married for 7 years! I can't face him talk to him I just want to die of the shame of it! I am an undesirable

OP posts:

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itsxmascryingagain · 21/12/2011 22:06

Bevy, He is so cruel in telling you this. Let the real reason be known but don't you dare take the blame for being a bloody size 16 and busy!

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 21/12/2011 22:07

Aw poor you what a horrible thing to hear
you're not an undesirable he needs to take responsibility for your sex life too not just you after all it takes 2 people to have sex.
When you're settled in your new job you could start getting back into some kind of gym routine and eating healthily, but for yourself not him.
Is he super fit and slim then?
I think it's out of order for him to blame you for your so called once a month sex life.

marmiteandjam · 21/12/2011 22:09

What an insult . I'm indignant on your behalf. Size 16 isn't even that big, especially depending on height (not that that makes any difference, I'm just saying). I hope he's sleeping on the sofa. BTW, you shouldn't be the one feeling ashamed- he should be, for making such a cruel comment and making his wife cry.

Kyte · 21/12/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 21/12/2011 22:15

Is he all toned and handsome then? What size were you when you met/married?

Also, his stressful job is not your fault.

spanna41 · 21/12/2011 22:15

what a twunt! have you asked him why he's suddenly decided to tell you this!? Cuddley is so much better than stick thin. Sofa! Garden Shed more like! Front him about his feelings and more importantly yours. Good luck and try not to let him get you down.

pretendhousewife · 21/12/2011 22:16

Does he make you feel bad in other ways? This sounds like a punishment or a provocation. This isn't your fault.

QueenCess · 21/12/2011 22:25

Use the old 'well I can lose weight if I choose but you will always be an arsehole' line.

I would slink my size 16 hips right out of there......and never darken his door again.

Cockend.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 21/12/2011 22:29

I dunno, if she was a size 10 when he met her and that is how he finds her sexually attractive, all he has done is be honest with her. He hasn't told her that he dislikes her or doesn't love her. Maybe OP would have preferred he kept his mouth shut but maybe he felt that every time he was having sex with her he was lying to her about how he felt. If you are not sexually attracted to someone you can't force yourself to be .

BUT if he is a larger size and doesn't mind it on himself then he is just an arse.

bevy2603 · 21/12/2011 22:31

I did get down to a 12 but mainly been a 14 - I have started working out again it was always my intention but the dark nights coming home from work would sway me! He is slim not fit as in buffed up but still slim! He has made silly comments in the past like grading me a 7 out of 10 although I was upset I put it down to a slip of the Tongue! He is usually kind to me which is why this has completely destroyed my self esteem! I can't bear to look at myself. I hardly slept last night and the night before I had to down night nurse to knock me out!

OP posts:

QueenCess · 21/12/2011 22:35

Oh my goodness it's like he is judging a best of breed competition.

You could always turn the tables starting with the size and appearace of his manhood.......after all he obviously doesn't mind getting personal.

Luminescence · 21/12/2011 22:38

Do you think there's any chance he's getting it elsewhere?

midwife99 · 21/12/2011 22:38

I'm in the same boat. It used to really hurt me (I posted on the exact same subject a few months ago) but now I just say "Go & find a 25 year old skinny girl then ...... Oh no, you can't - you're a middle aged man with a beer belly, glasses, hair that only gets cut twice a year & a shitty attitude. Come & see me when you're perfect & we'll talk!" Our sex life has died a death but it was terminal anyway & at least I'm not a victim anymore. Don't let him drag you down love.

MadameOvary · 21/12/2011 22:43

He graded you?
FFS

mercibucket · 21/12/2011 22:45

Sounds more likely he is having an affair or can't get it up tbh, either way what a cock to talk to you like that!

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 22:50

Don't let him pin his problems on you.

ThereGoesTheFear · 21/12/2011 23:27

He sounds like a cruel bastard. His comments are not silly they're cruel and demeaning.

liverLadyLass · 21/12/2011 23:38

‘what a fanny'
The words of my DH,,

ouryve · 21/12/2011 23:41

Tell him you should only have 2 tits in your life and one of them shouldn't be him. What a horrid thing for him to say to you.

carernotasaint · 21/12/2011 23:57

OP this is a result of what i like to call the FHM effect.
This thread is definitive proof that the subliminal messages from lads mags and the celebrity culture is putting more pressure on women through their partners than what the womens mags are.
Ive been a size 28. Ive also been a size 12. I am in a sexless marriage because i am with a man who has disabilities but he never was that bothered about sex. But i will say this.... he has NEVER NEVER NEVER in all the time we have been together called me fat or referred to my weight even in an argument and we have been together for almost twenty years.
When i lost a lot of weight several years ago i did have an affair because my confidence shot up and so did my sex drive. Though this was more to do with the fact that im in a sexless relationship.
OP i guess what im trying to say is that your DH needs to be careful what he wishes for!

carernotasaint · 21/12/2011 23:59

OP what your H said to you was downright cruel and nasty.

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 00:05

He shouldnt have told you, however some people are adverse to fat, I am I couldn't sleep with someone who had a fat belly yet me myself Im almost 2 stone overweight.

Sometimes it is not all about how you feel about someone because some things are off putting and don't turn you on, love does not come with rose tinted glasses Im afraid.

Sorry he hurt your feelings.

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WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 00:06

carer I don't think you can judge everyone by your own standards and imply the OP's DH needs to be careful about the OP losing weight incase she decides to be unfaithful to him.

OP, what he said was cruel beyond belief.

If you want to lose weight, then do it for YOU and your health.

Don't worry about no being able to get to a gym, just eat healthy foods, watch your portion size and take as much exercise as you can.

But don't let him put you down.

februarybaby · 22/12/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carernotasaint · 22/12/2011 00:13

Worra liberty i lost ten stone before the affair happened and the affair happened after being in a completely sexless relationship for seven years. I spent those seven years asking my DH to go to Relate and he refused.
Women have needs too you know.

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