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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH makes me feel like a crap mum

135 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:17

I have been with DH for 2 years and we have a three month old DS.
I feel really low right now and everything I do seems to be wrong.
For example when DS cries I pick him up straight away to comfort him but DH says I should leave him to cry or I will make him too needy.
I tried breastfeeding but stopped a month ago because I found it so painful but DH says I have given up too easily and need to persist.
Does he have a point?
Am I completely overreacting here?

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 28/01/2011 22:23

does your DH have children already?

In general I would not leave a 3 months old crying to be honest
Its time for bonding not for education, saying that you should tell us what situation are you talking about, ie went you want to put him down to sleep ... if he is colic
and look at ways to make him comfortable

TrappedinSuburbia · 28/01/2011 22:23

No, he's a dick.
It is really hard to breastfeed, I stopped when I had blisters on the end of my nipples and I couldn't even express, I wasn't even doing it that long.
Your instinct is to pick up your ds when he cries, its his only way of communication fgs!
Maybe in a few months you can leave him to cry for a few mins and then increase the time to see if he settles. Still a bit young to be left just now, as long as you are coping with it.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:26

no this is the first baby for both of us

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 28/01/2011 22:26

also make him read this
I havent really search at length just typed newborn crying cortisol

www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/apr/21/leaving-baby-to-cry-brain-development-damage

You can carry on searching if you are interested

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:33

I don't think DH means it in a nasty way, he is genuinely trying to help but I feel like it is grinding me down.
I might not feel so bad if I had a bit more support. My mum is local but has only been round four or five times since DS was born because DH keeps saying I need to bond with him properly before I allow other people round all the time so when mum calls he tells her that we are tired and its not a good time.

OP posts:
franke · 28/01/2011 22:34

You are not a crap mum by any stretch of the imagination. Picking up a 3mo is not indulgent, it is natural and RIGHT.

You say you are feeling low - have you spoken to anyone about this?

I know this is a massive change for both you and your husband, but he needs to drop the aggressive attitude and start being a little more supportive.

Please talk to someone in rl about how you are feeling.

franke · 28/01/2011 22:35

And get your mum around - sound like you might need her right now.

skirt · 28/01/2011 22:36

He sounds like he is a bit of a knob. Is he young?

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:37

OP - your dh is critisising your rightful instinct AND fending off the love and support of your mum?
He's being a bit controlling isn't he?

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:39

And when will your dh decide that you've bonded 'properly' enough to open the door to your mum? Why is it even up to him?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:42

Im 23 and DH is 30.
My mum has been round but not as much as I would like.
DH tends to answer the phone and tell her we are all tired and need to rest without even asking me.
I think he thinks he's helping but I feel a bit lonely to be honest Sad

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 28/01/2011 22:42

do you have an HV to come around? Did you have a doula?
Sound like you may need practical help

This is very odd, where does he get his information?
"DH keeps saying I need to bond with him properly before I allow other people round all the time so when mum calls he tells her that we are tired and its not a good time"

Now is a good time so mum can help with household chores

And your ds can have million people around there is no way ds doesnt know who is his mum
Was 9 months inside her has he forgotten? Smile

holymoley · 28/01/2011 22:44

Your mum is the perfect person to have with you. What makes him think he's such an expert? Breastfeeding was agony for me and bottle feeding did DD no harm at all. It's early days and your instinct is what gets you through. I'm sure he means well but really doesn't seem to be helping at all

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:45

I knew having a baby would change my life but I didn't realise how much.
I love DS to bits dont get me wrong but I wonder if it is all too much too soon.
We were married and expecting a baby within a year of getting together

OP posts:
McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:45

Well unless you are represting him in a very distorted fashion, he is displaying some quite worrying behaviour.

He doesn't get to decide whether or not your mum comes round for goodness sake - you do!

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:46

representing....sorry

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:46

Im just feeling overwhelmed

OP posts:
McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:47

And the baby needs to bond with parents and grandparents alike! Everyone needs a go.

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:48

You sound very isolated and depressed my love. You sound like you need your mum. Sad

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:48

I have to go sorry he is home now. will try to post later

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 28/01/2011 22:49

OP it is normal honestly, we have all felt overwhelmed at the beginning
How are you coping with the feeds? Does dc sleeps well? Do YOU sleep enough?

JustForThisOne · 28/01/2011 22:50

what? you are scared he finds you on here? you are only asking for advice ? Confused

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 22:50

Is your health visitor any good? (Ours is rubbish, but I know some are good..) If you could suss that out first, then get her round to talk to both of you (about the crying 'issue').

There are also some fantastic breastfeeding counsellors around if you think that might help you decide once and for all. They're there to support you and work out if trying different things could help, not necessarily pressurise you into perservering if it's not working for you. What's right for you will ultimately be right for the baby. A baby's world is tiny, and they know very quickly if their mum's not happy.

All the luck in the world to you. It's an amazing time but can also be tough. Sleep deprivation is a killer. And this is where the co-parenting conflict can start - the parent who didn't birth the baby wants to have an opinion and feel they have some influence. Can end up feeling shut out. The other parent feels they know better because their caring instincts for their baby is sharper as a result of that unique bond.

The emotional pull for the non-birthing parent often just isn't the same, imo. I can never bear to let DD2 cry for longer than about 5 mins. I know if she cries beyond this, it needs attention. And after a while you can recognise a tired cry as opposed to hunger/pain, etc. There aren't many males who can do that.

hopenglory · 28/01/2011 22:51

you're not doing anything wrong except for listening to a man with no experience himself who is behaving like a tit. He may be a well-intentioned tit, but a tit nonetheless.

Oh yes, and only when he can produce milk himself does he get to comment on how you feed your baby.

franke · 28/01/2011 22:57

fairycakes please call your mum and please tell someone in rl how you are feeling - you sound really low. You need proper support, not "misguided but well-intentioned" nonsense. Call your mum tomorrow, please.