Being watched?

[CuppaT]

Hello, I have been on Mumsnet for some years but have not posted for a while. Have had some fantastic advice before. I have spent years trying to leave my P and have, the past few months, left him and got myself and DCs a house. He is still very much in our lives and I have probably allowed him in a bit too much in that he did some jobs around the house and stayed over a few nights as he wanted to tuck kids in bed etc.

This was working OK and I genuinely thought he'd had a wake-up call and was changing.

However, the last few weeks I saw him reverting back. We had some huge rows and I snapped and said enough was enough, I wanted him out and he could see the DCs as much as he wanted but not me.

He talks and talks and talks to me and calls all the time and turns up trying to talk me around. One day he sat in his car outside the house just not moving for about 2 hours.

I know he loves me and wants us to work out and part of me still loves him but I'm fed up with the rows and the nastiness and name calling. I just really want to me on my own.

I'm not out to hurt him or anything or meet someone else or fleece him for everything he's got or make his life hell. I just want to be on my own!

Anyway, I could go on and on but what I'm leading to is..........he left us with the main computer and bought himself a laptop. He has managed to sync the computers so he can control the computer in my house from his laptop and mobile phone. I have realised that he has been switching on the built-in webcam and watching us and possibly listening too and is able to see everything I am doing on the computer and can control it.

I am not really sure how to deal with this as I'm not always sure when he's switched it on.

WWYD???

[newnamethistime]

report it to the police - the webcam thing is very scary.

[MIssAnneThrope]

I agree. It all sounds like the build-up to something I'm afraid.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Yes, I would call the police

This is appalling behaviour by him. You are being unbelievably reasonable but he is invading your privacy. Call them now.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I don't think it needs to be a build up, it's already incredibly creepy and invasive.

[stubbornhubby]

the police will find it hard to prove
AND they will no doubt want take your PC away for evidence - which will be a complete pain.

• unplug the webcam immediately.
  
• and buy a new computer
  
• or you can't afford that pay someone to get it professionally cleaned of controlling software)

[malinkey]

I would tell the police asap - this is horrible. But in the meantime you really don't have to talk to him - don't let him in the house, don't open the door to him and don't answer the phone.

Until the police have had a look I would turn your computer off so he can't do this any more.

You say he still loves you but none of his behaviour - rows, nastiness, name calling, harrassment, spying - is a sign of love, it's all about control.

[chippy47]

Ask an IT literate person to disassociate your pc from the laptop -and unplug the webcam or if built in put some tape over it.
The tech team at Curry's can do the former for you.
And if it cannot be disconnected (not sure how he has managed to do this to be honest - the person on the pc usually needs to give permission to be connected to another device) report him for harassment.

[malinkey]

Doesn't matter if it's hard to prove - this is stalking and you do need to inform the police in case his behaviour gets worse.

[GypsyMoth]

so he's reading this then?

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I would contact the police, just so that they ahve a record of your ex's bizarre behaviour. I'd also tell him (in front of a witness) that his behaviour is unacceptable and that from now on contact will be via a solicitor.

[Fluffypoms]

agree with stbbon. if you could afford to get somebody to have a look at removing whatever software he is using.

[GypsyMoth]

i would advise this gets documented in some way as i can see hie behaviour escalating......i am sure you will eventually need an injunction of some sort,so get it as evidence to back up your case....also,if it gets really nasty in a court access battle.

protect yourself.....you've been too accomadating (i did the same)i'd get rid of the computer entirely,and reset all networks

[Bast]

If you aren't particularly tech savvy, unplug the PC immediately (he can't plug it in remotely!).

...and then, call the police. This is harassment and stalking.

[QuintessentialShadows]

He has probably installed a remote control software on your pc. Not only will he be able to read everything you write, but add or delete files/software etc.

I would turn the pc off now.


And not turn it on until you can have somebody come to your home and sort it out. Or get the police around.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Bin the webcam. Then I'd join a forum specialising in remote access programs and list every single process that my computer has running in Task Manager (Ctrl + alt + delete > Processes) and see if anybody could identify a program that would be capable of doing this.

Then I'd make the police aware of the situation. He is effectively stalking you, and if he is monitoring you - he will now know that you know what he is up to, and who knows what he will do then. Take care of yourself.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

How did you find out about this btw?

[ratspeaker]

Stick some blu tack over the web cam
Unplug when not in use

See this to disable remote access


Download some anti spyware such as www.safer-networking.org/en/download/ SPYBOT and run a check its free
Remove anything it flags up
Also download MALWAREBYTESits also free, it'll check for nasty stuff.
Then change the admin password on the pc
Change the password on wireless router
Change passwords on all sites you access
Try to make them something he wont guess

Try Geekpolice website for advice and info

Dont let him have acess to the pc if he's in the house

Even if you buy a new pc or laptop change the routers password, password protect your new pc, and change all passwords to sites

[ratspeaker]

Sorry it's SPYBOT

[CuppaT]

Yes I know it is creepy and I find myself wondering if he's set anything else up like secret cameras or bugged my phone or something, I'm always on edge.

He has a way of making me feel really sorry for him. He's back with his parents and tells me over and over again I've left him with nothing. He can take what he likes, I really don't care. I'll sit on wooden crates if I have to if it means him leaving me alone.

Thing is......if I confront him about it, he'll most definitely turn it into something OK, like he's making sure we are OK etc....sad thing is, over the years, I fall for this crap!!!

Yes it would be a pain if policed seized my computer as I've just started a college course and really need it and my son needs it for school too......

[CuppaT]

sorry, no i'm in work at the moment.

[CuppaT]

I found out as I'd noticed things in the history that I hadn't looked at nor my DCs and googled the sites to discover what they are and also noticed little icons on the top of the screen that weren't there before.

[inbetweener]

Hmm I would suggest switching it off as if he has a key logger he is reading this now !
Thats soooo creepy.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

Glad to hear you're typing this at work.

One of your problems is that he has normalised this behaviour. It is not normal.

Yes the police taking your comp may be a pain, but it will show you and him that this is not normal. It is criminal behaviour. There is absolutely no way he has done this to "protect" you. This is about controlling and checking up on you. And yes it could get worse, especially if you do not stomp on this now.

Please call the police. Get this logged. Get them to have a quiet word about his behaviour.

You could give him the house, your furniture, even the clothes off your back, and it wouldn't be enough. He wants to control you ( not love you or cherish you) and he won't stop until you take a stand.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[CuppaT]

Thank you all. I will lodge it with the police in case it may get worse.

Thank you for the links ratspeaker I will follow the links when I get home and will endeavour to change passwords on everything with something totally different.

I cannot wait for the day he gets a new life and moves on!!

[QuintessentialShadows]

Dont change the passwords until you know your pc is clean!