I'm a loving Dad who needs a female perspective!

[MadDaddy]

I've just signed up to mumsnet out of shear desperation (no jokes!) - DW and I have been having some problems recently and I could do with a female point of view! Bit nervous about the response you might give me... be kind!

I love my DW endlessly and would never consider having an affair, or leaving her, but we're struggling with increasingly differing sex drives. Most of the time I can cope with it ok, but at times the lack of intimacy between us makes me feel so lonely it feels like I'm being ripped apart.

I've tried talking to her about it but it never goes well and more often than not ends up with one, or both of us, in tears.

I could sit here for hours psychoanalysing the situation but figure it'd be better for me to just try and answer your questions and comment on your ideas as and when you post them.

Please help - just feeling low.

[curlymama]

I think we might need more details - how old are your dc's, and how often to you actually have sex? Do you still have cuddles and affection between you, or is any physical contact minimal?

[Zondra]

Don't have any real advice,sorry,but, just wanted to say I feel bad for you.
Hope someone wiser will come along & help soon.

Just an afterthought,maybe show your wife your post. It clearly shows how much you love her & want to work things out.

[sazlocks]

Have you thought about having some couples counselling ? maybe a third party might help you both look at the situation and decide how to move things on in a way that makes you both happy.

[sayithowitis]

Ok, first, be prepared that these threads often end up badly.

I will ask the questions that are most often asked when this type of problem is posted:

1. are the problems entirely due to the difference in sex drive or are there other things that could be masked by that/
   
2. Do you both work?
   
3. Do you have children, if so how many and what ages?
   
4. How much help are you around the home? Do you honestly take on a fair share of the household and child care duties?
   
5. Is this a recent development or something more long-standing that is getting worse.
   
6. Has your wife told you, or hinted in any way, that she is unhappy about anything within the relationship or about her situation?
   

Sorry, lots of questions, but the anser to your problem may be in your answers to the questions.

[KarmaAngel]

I take it the differing sex drives is you wanting it more than her? Has she recently had a baby?

Intimacy can be gained in other ways than sex. And can then obviously lead to sex. Have you tried time on your own together? Going for a meal having a few drinks and talking and getting to know each other again? Sorry I don't know how old your DC are or whether you have access to babysitters.

When you bring the subject up are being defensive or confrontational? I know when DH and I talk especially about sensitive issue like sex we really have to try hard not get defensive or confrontational. Also understanding where the other partner is coming from and letting them talk and really listening to what they say and taking it on board.

Hope you can work it out.

[sorky]

How long has this gone on for and can you explain the differences in libido?

Sorry you're having a rough time, I'm sure we will be kind in our responses

[Quodlibet]

You sound like a nice guy who clearly loves his wife.

What are the triggers for you/her getting upset when you try to discuss the problem?

If she was explaining the situation here, what would she say (do you think) were the reasons intimacy has declined?

And when you say 'lack of intimacy', do you mean that you have no physical affection between you or rather that actual intercourse is the missing element?

I hope we here can help.

[MadDaddy]

Wow! Argh! Got to go get the kids... will post more back here this evening!

THANK YOU! x

[Tokyotwist]

I don't know if this will help or not, but I have gotten in a rut with DH in the past, mainly because he's just not picked the right moment to approach me. If I've been busy all day then I just don't feel up to it in the evening, especially if I feel he hasn't been pulling his weight.

There is also a question of how you approach. You probably don't need me to say this, but just in case, Women need Romance. Takes us a while to get interested. Can't just turn it on like men seem to be able to do. So a lead up to the big act with lots to put her in the right frame of mind. You could get Grandparents to take care of the kids you two do something nice together.

Finally, it may be a question of confidence. My confidence in myself took a knock after I had dd. I just didn't feel attractive and with all the worry that goes on in my female head, for a while I wondered if DH felt the same way about me. So loads and loads of compliments.

I hope some of this helps, even just a little.

[ValiumSingleton]

And do your share around the house. Women don't want sex with somebody who is taking advantage. it just becomes impossible. brad pitt would be rejected if he were leaving dishes in the sink and leaving you with the kids all weekend.

you say you've tried to talk to her and it doesn't go well. are there subjects she's tried to raise with you that you're not hearing either?

[UnePrune]

Whenever I feel like this it's usually one of the following:

dh has left the entire domestic arena to me and me alone, therefore I feel angry with him and the words 'like a bloody second child' float around my head. Nobody can be intimate with someone who behaves like a child.

if we do have a snog or a bit of a grope, sometimes dh automatically assumes it'll lead onto sex and that is only rarely true for a lot of women - a snog is lovely but the pressure of knowing that you'll have to say not to taking it further makes you not want to do anything at all. Really I find it annoying that more men aren't taught this as a RULE very early on.

lack of confidence about ageing body. Lack of confidence in life/job/friendships/whatever translating into introspection. Feeling impotent in one area of life makes sex a bit unappealing.

Also I'm going to say this because I think a lot of women find this and we never really talk about it. Have a shower in the evening. The days of grubby student sex are long, long gone.

[sorky]

Is your wife a Mumsnetter?

[Alouiseg]

Definitely have a shower and clean your teeth. Then run her a bath and make sure there is nothing left for her "to do" when she gets out of the bath.

Meet her in bed, all obstacles should be out of the way.

[silveryfox]

OMG UnePrune! Thank you! Why is it SOOOOOO hard to grasp that issue of being clean - not just bathing in the morning! (or at all if he's not working that day!) Aaaargh!!! And for them to think of it without having to be prompted.... a clean body is such a turn ON!

[UnePrune]

It is, isn't it? Phew. It's not just me.
I don't know what's changed in me - I was a lot more easygoing about it when I was younger.

[mittz]

Have been in your position but as the female with the higher sex drive..

I did my share around the house, respected his insecurities, didn't put pressure on him, tried to not even mention it, but then it went longer and longer and longer and I felt more and more undesirable.
HE would initiate kissing and intimacy when the day was happening and then be too tired, not interested when the opportunity was there.

I was supportive of many issues in his life, not just to get him to ease up to have sex but because I loved him, tried to help his self esteem as he was an older Dad, but I am sorry to those who take the view that sex can take a back seat indefinitely in a marriage I felt so rejected and unwanted in the end it was miserable.

So I sympathise OP. I really do. It is an enormously delicate issue because obviously no-one should be coerced into sex if they don't want it or feel like it. But when you still find your partner attractive and want to be intimate with them as it is a beautiful aspect of the relationship, it is hard to remain objective.

In the end you don't know what to bloody well do.. talk/don't talk, let them know you still find them desirable even if they don't want you, avoid the subject altogether. In my experience, you can no more 'switch off' your sex drive than a woman can 'switch off' being broody , and it aches.

[Trubert]

What Sayithowitis and UnePrune said.

And if it's not anything they've suggested, then counselling is definitely something to consider.

[sungirltan]

my dh could have written that post. we have this exact problem.

however my low sd is down to dh working away all the time which leads me to feel v resentful that when he ocmes back he doesn't drop everything to help me/give me break (though to be fair after a couple of days he does). also me being at home all the time has developed a serious territory/control problem about who is in charge/how things are down and we squabble often about it.

anyway those are the reasons we argue - the problem we have is that i cant separate the dozen things i am irritated about (due to dh) from physical initmacy whereas dh and most men can without a second thought

furthermore although its not like dh pesters me constantly but he does try several times a day to initiate intimacy (not a crime i know!) but i just want some space with my own body (we have one dc, 10 months and i am still bf) plus dozens of decent nights sleep and be able to feel like sex again in my own time without feeling like i'm being rushed.

hope that helps op

[omnishambles]

Very good post uneprune - agree with all of it

[strawberry17]

Just a thought, is your wife on antidepressants? depressed? I know from personal experience that antidepressants have a dire effect on sex drive/libido, as does depression with or without medication.

[MrsStig]

Your DW is knackered. She just wants hugs. After many hugs she may be interested in sex. She may not be.

Can't men just sort themselves out? IYKWIM. What do single men do?

[pozzled]

I would say do everything you can to demonstrate your love and respect for you wife. Pull your weight around the house, take a fair share of childcare, find time for her to get out of the house when she needs a break, spend time with her away from the kids where possible. When you do have time together, find other ways of being intimate without any expectation of it leading to sex - give her a massage or have a cosy meal together.

Apologies if you are doing all these things, but when I have been in your wife's situation they have helped enormously.

Also think about why she might be feeling this way. Is she depressed or under a lot of pressure? Are there any other issues in your relationship?

[2rebecca]

Also last thing at night when you are knackered is not a good time for sex for any women. Fatigue doesn't seem to affect men's sex drives the way it does women.

I do think some women aren't prepared to meet men half way re sex frequency though and frequently the person with the lower sex drive gets things their way. Discussing this and the fact that sex is important in a relationship may help. Suggesting sex therapy may make her realise that this can cause marital breakdown in the same way that not communicating verbally can, and isn't something to ignore as you may emotionally drift apart.

Also not interpreting every hug or kiss as a cue to sex can help as that can put a person with a low sex drive off showing any intimacy at all in case it's seen as a sexual availability signal and trigger lots of "you only ever want one thing" type arguments.

[2rebecca]

First sentence should have said "many" not "any".

[FoxyRevenger]

MrsStig, your solution is that he has a wank?