Termination at 38

[shouldhavecalleditoatabix]

So briefly, I have 2 DC and a long term happy relationship with DP. DC2 is 9 and 6 years ago I started a full time career. We absolutely do not want more children and have been talking about permanent contraception options. Then last week I missed a period and have confirmed I'm pregnant. I don't want this baby. I would love to have had more children but our circumstances simply make it too hard. I would have to change cars, home, buy everything again, miss months of work and where we used GP's for childcare last time round they're too old to take on a new baby and that means paying a fortune on childcare. I don't want to reduce my work hours and I don't want to be approaching 60 before our youngest is grown. I am expecting a phone appointment today to confirm and book in the termination.

Here's the issue though, I had another termination 16 years ago. I have never regretted it although occasionally I briefly think of it and wonder. I am worried that I have 'made too many withdrawals' from my mental health bank IYSWIM? What if it all comes back to haunt me afterwards? Don't get me wrong, I shed a tear with DP when I found out this time but I feel strangely calm about the whole thing. Will I regret it?

You've given a tonne of reasons why you don't want another child.
Make your decision and stick to it op. No need to torture yourself about it.
No one can say for sure you won't have regrets but going by what you've said here I think you'll look back and know you made the right choice at the time.

Oh and I had an abortion 20 years ago and look back and wonder but I have never regretted it :-)

Thanks money. I'm having a nightmare at the moment because BPAS couldn't get me an appointment for surgical under GA unless I go 4 hrs drive away and now I've tried a hospital closer they will do it but I have to be over 9 weeks. I'm currently 6 weeks and I tried to make an appointment as soon as I found out (5 days late for period). So now I think should I wait to get an appointment and risk it being close to Christmas or do I put my big girl pants on and go medical? I'm terrified of medical as it sounds horrific but I also hate the changes that are already happening to my body. ☹️

You are a sensible mature woman. If this is the right decision for you (and it certainly sounds like it), then you own it and move forward with confidence in your judgement. No withdrawals from the MH bank needed!

I had a medical abortion op and it was fine. They're very safe, and I liked that I was under general so out of it IYSWIM

Sorry, completely confused myself there.
I had a surgical and it was fine.

I understand your concerns about medical. I feel the same.
By some weird coincidence since I first responded to your thread I have found out I am pregnant too and have a consultation for a medical on Tuesday. Shitting it.

Completely unplanned and a bit of a miracle tbh. Don't want to derail your thread but I'm here with you in spirit 💐

I am a similar age to you but have no children and am very confused. Hence probably why I can't read your thread properly!

go for medical asap. at 6/7 weeks it really isn't physically traumatic (I've had 2) - I certainly dont think it warrants the risk of a GA

You can torture yourself mentally but in my case I absolutely made the right choice for me and my family and certainly dont regret it

I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to go through with this. I have 2 children a similar age & if I fell pregnant again I would feel exactly as you do for all of the same reasons. I just wanted to offer you some moral support. I hope you make peace with your decision & good luck x

Oh my goodness @momoney1 I am so sorry you are going through this too. You say you're feeling very confused? For me it's the right decision but I have two children already and I had come to terms with definitely wanting no more. You say it's a miracle conception and you have none? Do you want to talk about your reasoning behind your decision? I am no expert but happy to listen? It helps to write it down sometimes I find.

@waffles1990 do you mind my asking what the medical was like? My last one 16 years ago was under general and it was a relief to wake up and it was done. It's probably cowardly to want that again...

Thanks @Strictly1972 It's a shitty place to find myself in for sure

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix not at all.

Scan to confirm how many weeks you are, then the first pill that blocks the hormones needed to keep the pregnancy going

then, there are different options regarding the timing of the 2nd pill, which is inserted either vaginally (either the nurse can do this or you can do it yourself) this pill is to make the uterus contract to expel the pregnancy. The clinic will discuss the timings with you. I took both pills on the same day and it was straightforward for me with no complications (there is a risk that it wont work requiring more tablets but this is a very slim chance)

so, about 4 hours after taking the 2nd pills, you begin cramping - I didnt even have paracetamol with either of mine, it was uncomfortable but no worse than experiencing a heavy period.

It does feel a bit odd as you pass the pregnancy - a bit like when you stand up post partum and pass a clot

Expect to bleed like a heavy period for a day or two then it trails off (all being well)

At this gestation you will not see an obvious 'baby', it is still tiny and will be mixed in with a lot of blood.

You may feel guilty and emotional but it is normal. Just think of the reasons a baby would have put a huge strain on you - YOU are a person who deserves to enjoy a life too, aswell as how it is best for your family and this will help see you through.

In time you will look back and breath a sigh of relief you dont have the stresses of a young child, baby etc.

Trust me.. try your best not to overthink it and just go for it

Hi op. Only a miracle given my age, the fact I've tried and failed to get pregnant before and this was a one off shag with someone I've only known a couple of months.
I'm too poor, and in too new a relationship to have a baby, although there is a bit of me thinking, 'if not now, when'.
A termination is the sensible choice though I will admit I've been fantisising the 'what if'.

I found your thread when going through the pregnancy choices topic when my period was a couple of days late. I had a feeling but hoped I was being paranoid. Did the test a few hours after I posted.

Oh and when I say tried and failed to get pregnant, I mean more recently! As of course I was 20 years ago as I mentioned upthread

@momoney1 I feel for you I really do. I will say though that if you're doing the 'what if' process it's definitely worth giving it some real thought before you make a final decision. Does the guy know? Not that you have to tell him if you decide not to go through with the pregnancy but it might be worth talking to him about it. It's never ideal this early on in a relationship but it can work. Believe it or not I was in a similar situation with DD1 albeit that was 13 years ago. We're still together though admittedly it wasn't an easy ride in the early days. I have now been offered surgical appointment in central London which is 3 1/2 hours from me on 27th or medical (tablets) on 28th. I've tentatively accepted the medical option but I still can't decide which is best. So tempted to travel for the option of waking up and finding it 'done'. But the travel, especially into and out of London post op is putting me off. It feels selfish to put me and DH our to make such a journey. This shit makes me realise just how awful it must be for those women living in Ireland. Imagine having to get on a bloody plane for such a thing! So sad

I feel for you too op. Maybe set yourself the deadline of end of this week to decide by? If you really would rather avoid the medical then just book your travel/commit to driving/whatever and just do it. It's important you are comfortable and if you are still happier with the surgical even given the travel time then go for it.
Given what I've read on here and Googled I think I'll go medical if I decide to do that. Am very lucky though that I have a Marie Stopes local.

I have told the man. I don't know him well enough though to judge his response really. He said he will support me whatever and says I'm not on my own. I absolutely do not want to go into a pregnancy as a single parent - I'd rather be childless. Just don't think I can hack it. And I don't have a great track record of relationships, so I'm sure this one will fail too.

I'm at the doctor's for something else this morning though I'm going to mention it. I also have a telephone consultation with a clinic later today.

You'd be amazed at what you can do when a baby comes along. That said it isn't easy and I'm not a single mum. I think single parents deserve a bloody medal! We're a pair, hey? You'd think at our age we should know better! 😂

Just had the telephone consultation and I got upset again. They're going to call back within 48 hours to book in an appt at a clinic. I'm hoping this confusion will turn to relief when I get it sorted

Are you really sure you're ready. Where's the harm in taking a bit more time to think about it? I don't wish to confuse you but you obviously aren't completely sure and in your circumstances it does matter. That said if this relationship sticks maybe there's a chance you will go on to have a child when you're ready?

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix I've had the medical and it's nothing to worry about - very similar to a period. I didn't see anything upsetting, the pain was bearable, bleeding wasn't ridiculous. At the time I actually worried that it hadn't worked properly because it was so manageable. It was all very straightforward. BPAS are also really good in that they let you decide when and where to take the second tablet. They treated me with much more dignity than when I had the treatment under the NHS (not slagging the NHS off because we're so lucky to have them, but I felt that they treated me a bit like a "naughty girl" who was doing something wrong).

We all make this choice for the best reasons. Although the first time for me was sad I don't regret it to this day. The second time it was a very easy straightforward decision. No lasting negative effect on my mental health. You seem very sure and like you've thought this through. Good luck OP x

Can any of you guys talk to me about the bleeding? Will I need to wear full maternity pants or will pads be enough? What about overnight? Trying to get my head round the logistics. Any advice welcome

Hi op. How are you doing? Still thinking you'll stick to the 28th?

Hi I had a surgical abortion this year in January but I was awake .. I have 3 children I am 25 . It was painless ( for me ) and after I felt relieved and haven't regretted it . The bleeding was very minimal I had a coil put straight in but spotted for maybe a week? .. if that . I wouldt have a medical my 3 friends that have had them all suffered severe hemorrhages that needed surgery.

Chose what you think is best

Hey no money. I have appointment still on 28th for scan and tests and the option of medical. I had almost definitely decided on medical but admittedly I am really scared of haemorrhaging. I lost a lot of blood in labour so I will be asking a lot of questions about the risks. My worry is also that I am a good 40 minutes to an hour from the nearest hospital and our ambulance service is in disarray and often there are none available. On the flip side this could all be over by Saturday and I can move on. How about you? What have you decided?

I hadn't really thought about haemorrhaging and didn't realise it was a risk. I have light and short periods - I don't know if that makes a difference? I have a medical booked for a week on Monday. Seems such a long time away. I'm so lucky I can go to a clinic that's 10 minutes away to get the pills and have a hospital five minutes away. I just want it done now.

I'm very sad that there is nothing in place in my life that makes having a child a good or even ok idea. There isn't sadly. It is what it is though