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My boyfriend doesn't want our baby :(

(83 Posts)
FionaMxx Wed 27-Jul-16 23:12:14

I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago and my boyfriend was with me as I did the test. I am about 5wks I have worked out. I had barely managed to determine the result when he told me to get an abortion.
Last year I was 15 weeks pregnant when my mum & he pressured me into an abortion and I've regretted it every minute of every day since. I always swore if it happened again I'd keep the baby. My boyfriend and I just had a long chat and he tells me he's just not ready and if we had a baby he would not be able to love it as it would ruin his life (he's a professional sports man and travels a lot) we are both financially stable and do not live together officially yet (he stays at my house every night)

He is so passionate and set in his ways that this is not the right time for him and he does not want this. But it's all I've longed for every day :-(

I know his wants are as important as mine but my heart is breaking.

Can anyone give me some advice?

X

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Jul-16 23:16:34

Can I ask you why you got pregnant this time, when only recently he made you have an abortion?

Personally I would see a doctor now - you are only five weeks pregnant - isn't that just a week late? And I'd go through with the procedure and then I'd dump his ass.

AyeAmarok Wed 27-Jul-16 23:17:14

Were you using contraception?

It's your body, and your choice. Nobody can force you into anything.

If you want the baby, you need to consider whether you're OK with raising it alone as it may come to that.

Although I would suggest if he pressures you into yet another abortion then your relationship will be a little bit doomed anyway. So maybe you need to accept that your relationship may not last, and do you want to raise a baby alone?

Whenisitbedtime Wed 27-Jul-16 23:17:47

I was in your situation 10 years ago. It's horrendous and I feel for you. I now have a wonderful DS who I have brought up alone. He has changed my life for the better in every way.
Yes his wants are important but you will be the one having the baby. I think you have to be prepared to do it alone though.
Good luck

thewideeyedpea Wed 27-Jul-16 23:21:51

11 years ago I was in a similar situation to you. I decided to go it alone and at the time it was pretty horrendous. We now have 3 gorgeous dc's and are very happy . Good luck with whatever you decide.

FionaMxx Wed 27-Jul-16 23:21:52

Last year I wasn't on any form of contraception and I've been taking the pill for the last 5 months but some days I took it at different times which I didn't think would really make a difference. I'm not ready either but I don't want to abort

PurpleDaisies Wed 27-Jul-16 23:24:53

If you don't want an abortion, that's that. He doesn't get a say. What do you do for work? Would you qualify for maternity pay? How would you manage as a single mum?

If you're unsure you could speak to an impartial counsellor without him there to talk through all your options. See your GP and they can refer you.

YouSay Wed 27-Jul-16 23:36:37

What age are you both op?

Perpetualstateofchaos Wed 27-Jul-16 23:50:25

Your body your choice please don't let him ir anyone force you into anything.
10 years ago I found out I was 12 weeks pgl (medical issues caused delay in finding out) exp wasn't happy and wanted me to have an abortion. I refused,so he unmed and Ahhed over what he wanted to do and decided eventually he wanted me and ds after i gave an ultimatum. Shortly after he was born his attitude changed and I brought ds1 up officially from 9 months old. It's been hard at times but if I had to go back and make that decision again knowing my consultant was wrong I would still have ds1.
Talk about your options with a councillor you have loads of time before you need to decide either way but it must be your decision.

horseygeorgie1 Thu 28-Jul-16 00:00:38

I had a similar situation. After a LOT of soul searching (I went to the initial appointments at the clinic and was booked in for an abortion) I kept the baby and dumped the twat. Best decision I have ever made. It is hard, but every second is worth it.

horseygeorgie1 Thu 28-Jul-16 00:03:18

Oh and I was living with my parents at the time, on a pittance in a self employed job with no prospects/saving etc. I went back to work when DD was 5 months part time and we were on benefits. I'm actually back with the parent due to start college in September to retrain as a Nurse. It is doable, there are solutions.

horseygeorgie1 Thu 28-Jul-16 00:03:37

my parents!

Liz09 Thu 28-Jul-16 00:18:57

You can make the choice to keep the baby, but, similarly, he can make the choice not to be involved. You both need to respect the other's choice on this one.

notapizzaeater Thu 28-Jul-16 00:25:10

He might not want the baby but ultimately its your decision. Will he ever be ready ?

RepentAtLeisure Thu 28-Jul-16 01:07:49

Whatever you were doing contraceptive wise, if he was so against having a baby he should have been using condoms, or at least not ejaculating inside you. It continues to stun me that men act that way, knowing full well that they have no say (shouldn't have anyway) in what happens to their partner's body.

Keep the baby if you want to, it's your choice. He may then choose to walk away, but would that be such a bad thing?

RepentAtLeisure Thu 28-Jul-16 01:10:14

similarly, he can make the choice not to be involved.

But that does not remove his responsibility. I meant to add that to my post. Don't be all noble OP, he should help to financially provide for his child.

Liz09 Thu 28-Jul-16 01:13:58

Repent, why should he be financially responsible for a child he has said from the outset he doesn't want?

If she can make the choice to abort or keep the child, he should be able to abort his financial responsibility for a child he didn't want. Fair's fair.

Liz09 Thu 28-Jul-16 01:14:02

Repent, why should he be financially responsible for a child he has said from the outset he doesn't want?

If she can make the choice to abort or keep the child, he should be able to abort his financial responsibility for a child he didn't want. Fair's fair.

LilacInn Thu 28-Jul-16 01:21:06

I agree with Liz. It's always struck me as wrong (and I am a woman) that women can force men to become parents in the case of contraceptive failure.

yes, ideally every man would wear a condom/get a vasectomy but I know of cases where women don't like condoms and persuade men not to use them. and women don't have to give up fertility in order to defer or postpone parenthood, after all, so why should it be all or nothing for men?

At the very least if a man has made clear he does not want fatherhood he should be able to terminate rights and responsibilities. If he is on record as advocating an abortion and signs away rights pre-birth, that should be that. Of course, then we the taxpayer are on the hook. But we often are for women who deliberately get pregnant in adverse situations or outside of committed relationships anyway, so why shouldn't male citizens avail themselves of the option too? Instead it's heads she wins, tails he loses, every single time.

Somerville Thu 28-Jul-16 02:09:57

OP - About the pregnancy - your body, your choice. But given that you've regretted your last one so much, I suspect your desicion is already made. And that's okay - this is about what's right for you, and potentially also for your child.

He had a choice about his body, and he chose: to have sex with you. And without a condom, leaving you solely responsible for contraception.

Now the consequences are yours to bear. Those consequences also affect him, but not nearly so much - physically, emotionally or financially.

And anyone who thinks that a man who gets a woman pregnant unintentionally should be able to abscond his responsibility - really??? Every twat on the planet would immediately refuse to wear a condom, and we'd have a huge overpopulation problem. Plus, all our taxes would have to go up to support many of the children - it's very hard to earn enough to support a child while also being a lone parent.

RepentAtLeisure Thu 28-Jul-16 02:20:23

If she can make the choice to abort or keep the child, he should be able to abort his financial responsibility for a child he didn't want.

That is how things are in the society we live in. And let's face it, plenty of men find ways not to provide for their child - I have personal experience of that, and my ex wanted our child.

As I said in my comment above if I were male, and had a basic understanding of the rules of the society I lived in, I would be as careful as I could be to not impregnate anyone before I was ready to.

And before we 'poor him' too much, remember that he did push the OP into aborting a child she didn't want to abort, so the 'he has no rights' argument doesn't really hold much water.

AyeAmarok Thu 28-Jul-16 06:53:53

If she can make the choice to abort or keep the child, he should be able to abort his financial responsibility for a child he didn't want. Fair's fair.

Oh fuck off with that ridiculous nonsense. The choice was his before he decided to put his un-condomed penis inside her and ejaculate. Once he's done that he no longer gets a choice about what OP does with her body. Babies are a consequence of sex, especially when the man isn't using contraception himself. He absolutely should not be able to walk away from his financial responsibility, and luckily the law agrees, however weakly it's implemented.

Dozer Thu 28-Jul-16 07:07:10

Please ignore the mens rights activist / goady bollocks posters.

Your body, 100% your choice.

It seems unlikely that he will be a good partner or father.

It concerns me that you stayed with a man who pressured you into abortion once before.

Penfold007 Thu 28-Jul-16 07:13:57

OP are you ready to face being a lone parent? Your body your choice but equally you can't force him into parenting.

Liz09 Thu 28-Jul-16 07:22:46

Aye Chill out. I never said it wasn't her choice. I only said that he ALSO has a choice. OP is well within her rights to choose to keep the baby, but she has to accept that he may choose not to be involved and he should be afforded that right.

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