does anyone have a link to the article? thanks!

It did ring a few bells for me, more along the lines of how my tiny cute toddler was now this massive hulking pre-schooler, as others have said.
I also went out of my way to make sure DD1 didn't feel left out/pushed aside as I figured (in my sleep deprived addled mind) that she was more of a danger to teh baby than the other way round, so DD2 got a lot of foot bouncing in the chair and fed and then put down so DD1 could have a cuddle.
I do love them both equally but slightly differently though, although I feel that is down to their ages and being differently capable fo thigns.

Good article though.

Can I please clarify, after my last post, that I love both of my children very dearly indeed and also feel very positive thoughts about both of them far more often

Liath I hope you don't think I was being flippant.

I didn't mean to be harsh, I was merely trying to point out that many of us have feelings towards our children which are less than charitable. It is obvious that after the birth of a new baby, with all the stress and sleep deprivation comes with it, emotions are bound to be a little off kilter.

It does not mean that you have a major problem, are a bad mother or is a serious issue.

What articles like this often do, rather than normalise such feelings, make you feel like you have an issue or condition which is so extraordinary it is worthy of national comment.

In my humble opinion mumsnet is a far better. You come on here, say that one of your children has been annoying the hell out of you, a couple of other people say 'yeah mine too' and we all get on with our days.

Please don't think I am trying to belittle or undermine Post natal depression, I'm not. I'm just trying to say that we have all sorts of feelings everyday and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us.

"I suspect this is another example of Guardian journalists over egging the pudding as they can't think of an article this week."

I think that is a little harsh.

My mum kept the article for me to read today as she knows I went through something similar when I had my second child. It rang a lot of bells and had me in floods of tears. I had an easy birth and definitely didn't have PND but my feelings for dd changed almost overnight and it was awful.

What helped was that I had a post natal doula and she did lots of stuff with dd so I wasn't stuck with the two of them all the time. Also I was acutely aware of how I was feeling and terrified of ending up like my Granny who has always blatently favouritised my uncle over my mother and cause my mum a lot of hurt. Like the journalist I had to force myself to spend time one on one with dd and was able to rebuild the relationship.

I'd imagine that what I and this journalist experienced is not typical though - none of my friends have or my sisters. I was completely unprepared as I never imagined anything coming between me and dd - when I was pregnant with ds I was feeling sorry for him in advance because I assumed that if anything I'd ignore him in favour of the more interesting toddler.......

I'd also question the fact that if she was in such a dark place how did she still manage to pop out the rather chipper book Three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush, 2001). From what I've been told of PND getting dressed is hard work and writing a book, publicizing it and bring it 2 children would be quite a stretch.

I thought it was an interesting article but a bit of a rehash of her book about parenting two children (Three shoes, one sock and no hairbrush, 2001).

I shared some of her experiences in terms of her feelings about parenting two children.

I don't think the journalists were short of something to write about. It seemed to me as if she was just plugging her new book!!!

i fell MORE in love with dd1 because i could see that she was trying so hard to budge along and make room for dd2.
dd2 was prem and although we were only in hospital for ten days i HATED being away from dd1, felt like i had turned her life upside down. she was such a good sport about her new sister, and at 2 and a half could pick her up easily (dd2 only 4lb 1oz so much lighter than the doll she'd bought her sister when she was born). so a few heart-stopping moments on that front but i was the eldest of four so i know that babies are hardy little things and don't get broken by siblings.
i was concerned that i might see dd1 differently after the new baby came along, and i did, but only in the respect that i was even more impressed with her kindness and strength of character. fear not.

I think most toddlers are huge and awkward anyway but having a newborn empahasises that. I only have one dd but i mourn the loss of the newborn stage. nature needs mum to bond with the new baby. it dosn't mean you don't love your oldest. i am a bit snappy with dd when she's being trying as she is capable of far more destruction than when she was small. toddlers need boundaries so don't feel bad about protecting your newborn from the sometimes clumsyness of an older child. in the end everyone will benefit if your oldest learns how to treat the baby gently.

I certainly feel that DS2 is more 'my baby' than DS1. As he was our first, and the first baby in our family for a long time, he got all of our attention.

DS2 gets much less, he got far fewer presents when he was born and everyone wants to play with DS1, look after him while I take care of the baby. DH has certainly had a lot less interaction with DS2 than he had the first time round.

As a result I feel far more protective towards him and overcompensate.

That said, he gets far less attention from me as I'm careful that DS1 isn't pushed out. As a result, it almost feels like I'm having an office affair with DS2 (I have never had one I hasten to add). I wait until DS1 is at nursery or in bed and then shower him with affection and attention.

There'll be plenty to keep the therapists busy

I saw this thread last night and read the article this morning. I didn't feel exactly like that but I can understand how people could all too well. I went back to work when DS1 was 10 months and realised I was pregnant again less than 3 months later, a few weeks after his first birthday. Gradually as I got very tired and ill dp started taking on more of looking after him. DS2 was born in early February, with a gap of 21 months between them. I'd never spent a night apart from ds1 before ds2, but had ds2 at night by emergency CS and was kept in for 3 further nights, then we only had 2 nights at home before returning for another 9 nights as ds2 lost a lot of weight due to feeding problems and they wouldn't let us go home until he began to gain.

While I think I love ds1 even more now, and he gets to be more fun every day, I am keen to get closer to him again. Often I have to hold, feed etc ds2 while dp does the running around with ds1, reads him stories (something I really miss), takes him to get the paper at the weekend and to the toddler toy library/music session at the library, puts him to bed etc.

It doesn't have to be like that article or that book but I think parents need to be prepared for their own feelings as well as their children's.

I think its the realisation that number 1 does not need you in the same way as a new born. I felt awful gulit at first and that DD1 was angry with me and didn't love me as much. Then i realised that she is 2 and not capable of such feelings and nothing had changed.
I have been very lucky and DD1 LOVES ds to bits with no appearance of the green eyed monster at all.
I love them both differently as I love them for the little people they are with different traits and personalities.

OP and other pg women:

I can't relate to this article either so don't worry too much. DS was 24 months when DD was born and he was absolutely thrilled with her. Loved her from day 1 and still does (she's 15m, he's 3 now). He shares his food and his toys with her and I love them both equally.

I'd like to add that I think it is a good thing that articles like this get written as I felt like a freak for wanting to abandon dd in the supermarket if she disappeared down another aisle. We are sold this myth that we will love our babies/children unconditionally and without question and it isn't always like that. It is good to know that other people have felt the way that I did and I wish I had known before having a second dc that it doesn't always feel like there is enough love to go around.

Things are fine now between dd and I now though, thankgoodness.

I could very much relate to this article (it made me want to cry), although I would say I had more awareness of what was happening than the author. I did feel that I loved dd less after ds was born and would happily have given her away at times. However, unlike the author of this article I quickly became aware that if I didn't change my behaviour towards dd our relationship would be irrevocably ruined.

pretence, not pretense...

I didn't get this with my 2nd but sort of did with my 3rd, I was quite overwhelmed with my feelings for dd3 and for ages my feelings for the other two (4 and 2 at the time) were much less intense than my feelings for the youngest. I didn't resent or not love the older two, but was surprised how strong my feelings were for the 3rd. Even now I'm suspectible to favouring her though. No idea why, she's not that special, but I have a huge soft spot for her.

What irritated me about the article though was the pretense that no woman has ever admitted such a thing before - I mean I have a shelf full of books critiquing or debunking myths about idealised motherhood, don't these journalist women read anything themeselves? Feminist literature is full of examples of imperfect mothers with varieties of imperfect feelings for their children.

By 'our' I obviously mean our family - I like to think that she makes the world a better place, but I appreciate that you might not all have noticed.

Yes, go for it thumbwitch. None of our lives would be nearly so rich without DD2, and our girls are very close.

Time can seem to pass very slowly if you're in a bit of a rut at first, but it's the tiniest fraction of a lifetime of love and pleasure.

OP, to calm your freaking out, this article didn't ring any bells with me AT ALL. I just can't relate to it.

DS1 was 22 months when DS2 was born. Sure, I thought he was huge compared to his baby brother. Sure, going from one to two is tough.

But falling out of love with him? Just didn't happen.

It is DD1 who does the climbing into the cot. DD2 is not THAT advanced!

I think different people react differently and there is no way if knowing how you will feel until it actually happens.

I love both my DDs equally but DD1 (aged 2.9yo) is still my --dare I say it-- favourite. DD2 (aged 6mo) is great but I am just not a baby person!

DD1 is DD2's favourite person and they just adore each other. DD2 likes to climb into DD2's cot so they can pull at the toys on the mobile together whilst DD1 tells DD2 all about them.

Both were born early and started life in NICU. Both were special babies who have developed none of the problems early predictions heralded.

But being home with DD2 without DD1 around would have been much harder. DD1 is at such a fun age and is so much fun to be with.

I don't feel guilty about my feelings - as DD2 gets older she is more interested in stuff around her and becomes more interesting too. They are both easy-going, smiley girls and we are such a 'girlie gang' (in the words of DD1).

Don't let the possibility of what might happen put you off having another one.
It's a short term thing whilst they are small.

eep - this is one of the things I fear about having another. It is one on hand good to know that other people do really experience it but bad to know because it means it could happen to me.

Still, I think forewarned is forearmed, so I shall be on guard against it, if/when we manage to have a second baby.

'I suspect this is another example of Guardian journalists over egging the pudding as they can't think of an article this week.'

It is true that 'had a bit of an off day today, got over it' isn't going to win you any prizes for journalism. Or much money.

I didn't fall out of love with DS at all when DD was born. He did start irritating me more (I think it's easy to subconsciously expect them suddenly to grow up several notches at a time when their life has gone through a huge change and if anything they are going to need to regress for a while), and there were a few points when he started playing up really badly where I thought "I love you more than life itself, but I'm not sure I like you very much right now". And it took an investment of time devoted him to get past that aspect of things, I think. But it was the fact that I loved him just as much as ever that meant we could handle the friction points.

DH, on the other hand, really wasn't all that bothered about DD for a few months. I think as pp said she needed to "earn her stripes" with him.

DS was besotted with DD right from the beginning and I loved watching them together. The two of them together are still my favourite moments; DS is clearly DD's favourite person in the world and is the object of her only two-word phrase so far ("Hello [DS's name (or a reasonable attempt at it)]") and they giggle away together at things that only the under-sixes would find funny.

I suspect this is another example of Guardian journalists over egging the pudding as they can't think of an article this week.

I certainly feel on occasion that DS1 is getting in the way of my cooing of DS2 and he does seem suddenly huge with legs flying everywhere. But I certainly don't love him any less.

Obviously your relationship changes as he is no longer the centre of your world but it's not life changing. It also tends to coincide with the annoying toddler stage where they start making irritating noises and throwing themselves on the floor.

I did comment to a friend a few weeks ago that having 2 kids was great as if one was being really annoying you have the other to fall back on.

Having said all of that, today DS1 made DS2 (4 months) laugh more than he has ever laughed before all the way round the supermarket. Lots of people turned to look as they both sounded so happy.

Please don't worry about this. There are so many things to worry about (if you're the worrying kind like me) at each stage of your children's life, but this needn't be one of them.

I didn't experience this at all, even though I had PND after having both DDs. I remember feeling guilty about DD1 when DD2 was a newborn because of the amount of time a small baby demands of you, but that was all. In fact I remember thinking that I definitely loved DD2 but I felt a closer bond to DD1 for some time because we had had a lot more time to develop our relationship.

Five years on (DD1 is 10 and DD2 is 5) I can quite honestly say that I love them completely equally, but they are practically opposites, so I appreciate them in different ways. It's nice having the difference and yet knowing you would willingly die for either of them.

Quite the opposite for me.

I went through a kind of bereavement when DS was born. I mourned the fact that DD wasn't a baby anymore and and wondered who this 'imposter' was.

Fortunately, it didn't last long and these days I adore them equally

Thanks cory, they are lovely examples, I hope I get some stories like that to share in a few years.

Set me off again!!!

all right, so big sister did take the skin off little brother's back with her crutch the other week, but they are still really cute together

all right, so big sister did take the skin off little brother's back with her crutch the other week, but they are still really cute together

ok, there will be times when you feel that having two is just about quadrupling the workload and they don't even seem to like each other

but then again- all the other times...

the first time that your oldest one is delighted with something that the baby has done

when lo falls over and reaches out to his big brother or sister instead of to you

when they giggle uproariously at some joke that you, dull adult that you are, simply cannot understand

the first time you find them snuggled up together

when the lo is worried about something at school or nursery and the old one is able to explain or reassure him because only he knows what actually goes on in there (miss Jones only has a shouty voice; she's not cross really)

when you tell one of them off and the other one comes running to defend him- and you forgive the interruption because it is so sweet

when you can send them out on a little excursion together- just the two of them (and watch the pride on the big one's face when he comes back having kept little brother safe)

when you all share a family joke together and it suddenly dawns on you that this joke will live long after you are gone, because they will help each other remember

I read the article and it made me cry (in a coffee shop ) - because I though it was v sad, not because it happened to me. I have a very intense relationship with DS1 (difficult birth, sleepless baby, tricky toddler) and was v worried about the impact DS2 would have on him. Still worry about it, as I think he is still adjusting to it - but he also loves his little brother, and they are going to be great partners in crime! Maybe it would have been different if DS2 had been more demanding, but he was an absolute doddle of a baby, and is now a lovely toddler.

I found it helped that DS1 did 2 mornings a week at nursery from a few months before DS2's birth, which gave me some nice quiet time with DS2 once he arrived.

I often find the Guardian's Family section has some sideswipe in it that has me howling into my tea. Thoughtless buggers.

I've got many friends with two, and I've seen a lot first hand, and the only thing I'd say for sure is that there is no single way it goes. Some do seem to struggle a bit with the first, some the second, but I have to say most seem to end up do-lally about them both pretty quickly. Knackered, obviously! and full of challenges thy hadn't thought of in advance, but I agree with the mum who said the article seems to come from the extreme end of the negative spectrum. And I say in the 26th week of pregnancy no-one needs to be thinking at that end!! Past is dead and the future ain't here yet so deal in the now, hug your baby and your bump and look forward to the goalposts moving!
(1 ds down and just trying for another)
xx

I read the article crying as well (I am 20 pg at the moment so very hormonal), as I already have this fear that I've made a massive mistake having another baby as I'm worried about the impact on my DS. The first thought I had when I fell pregnant (we were TTC) was not excitement like the first time, but more a feeling of 'Oh god, what about X' I just feel like I am going to screw up his personality from feelings of jealousy and not being able to give him the same level of attention as I do at the moment. The article made all these worries come flooding back.

I'm especially worried as DS is going through a bit of a terrible twos stage at the moment so I can see how easily it would be that I would get really annoyed and angry with him for 'misbehaving' and he'll think its the new baby's fault.

I'd really like to hear some more positive stories, and its good to hear some here already.

I was fearing this as I remember visiting a friend with a newborn years ago and thinking how bloody annoying it was to have a 3 year old bounding in the background all the time. HOWEVER, I completely agree with whereeverilaymyhat - still besotted with ds1 and he still commands my attention as his development is more interesting than a newborn. DS2 is absolutely idolised but he is often watching and listening to what I'm doing with ds1. Attachment parenters would say this is OK (I think), Gina Ford would say stick DS2 in the garden and leave him to cry. So as long as they are both with me and loved, we must be doing something right. DS2 does get less attention than DS1 did at that age though, which does make me feel guilty. I can also see how "middle child syndrome" could be exasperated - dc1 and dc3 would get attention heaped on them, whereas 2 might sit in the background.

I totally fell in love with dd all over again the first time I came into their room and found little brother tucked up in her bed because he had had a nightmare and she had comforted him. <soppy emoticon>

I found that I flip-flopped about it all the time. At first I was really concerned about DD2 and so protective of her that I would get grumpy with DD1 because she was a clumsy toddler. Luckily at that early stage most of the time there was someone else looking after DD1 (DH on paternity leave or family visiting). Then I got a bit grumpy that DD2 was preventing me from doing anything with DD1 any more. I took DD1 for a short walk to the shops and we were chatting away and I was a bit sad that we found it hard to do that stuff any more when I had a newborn attached to my nipple permanently. I don't think that it was a case of loving one or other more, just that I was struggling to divide my attention for the first time ever.

Now that things have settled down, I just get grumpy with them both because they are up at the crack of dawn and I want my sleep! I fall back in love with them at the weekends though, when we get to do nice things as a family <soppy emoticon>

Good to hear all these responses. I do think it sounds like the author had a spot of PND prompted perhaps by what sounds like a really really tough end of pg and labour. I feel reassured that so many of you have not had that experience. I found it quite a devastating idea to read. I'm sure they'll be strange feelings I'll have to tackle and always good to have places like this to share and air and get through.

It did feel like a bit of a plug for her book, but also a horrible horrible experience for her so fair enough...

I stressed a lot about loving my second born, esp as I knew he was a boy and i was unsure of how that would feel after having a daughter.

In the end I almost felt as though i had to push her away a bit emotionally for the first few weeks, as if to make room for my growing feelings towards my new son. Nobody suggested this could happen, and while i was pg all i heard were platitudes about how i'd have loads of love for both of them. Of course i do, but emotional energy is finite just as physical energy is, and after the birth i was lacking in both.

Of course i love them both with every bone in my body, but expressing that is a constant balancing act IME. 8 months on i feel as though it's about right, and wouldn;t change it for the world. Nothing wrong with acknowledging it's hard though, and it's somethign i do talk about in RL to prepare my friends for just in case they feel the same.

I had the opposite. I had tried to prepare DD for the arrival of DS (even reading Abrahm's book on having two which terrified me and made me cry) but what I didn't prepare for was the fact that, after DS's birth, I loved her more and struggled to love him. Even now I know the bond is much stronger with her than it is with him which makes me sad and guilty.
I thought the article was interesting but it is very much her experience and not necessarily that of everyone.

I too echo the feelings of the article. I have admitted it on here before but I was so irritated with my DS when DD was born. I still loved him and would have done anything for him but I did not enjoy being with this loud energetic whirlwind who was being difficult but normal. I resented the time he took away from my gorgeous snuggly newborn DD.

I also had PND but I dont think that caused this - but it didnt half exacerbate the guilt I felt over it. It passed but it took time to settle down and he is my gorgeous big boy. What a few people said to me at the time though was that although you will always love your children the same at different times you may enjoy or like being with one more than the other - its only human nature to enjoy being with someone more who is easier.

Dont get me wrong I didnt hate my DS or not want to be with him - I just wanted to do that bonding thing with DD where you dont move from the sofa all day. And DD was a real joy of a baby - literally did not cry and loved cuddles, so terrible two's DS was certainly more difficult to be around.

I always make a point of telling friends pregnant with number 2, gently an abridged version of this just in case they may feel the same - or feel the opposite. Not in a scary 'you will feel this way' obviously - but I would have loved people to have been more open.

I think some deeper, darker feelings than some of us care to admit can bubble away under the surface when you have a second child. Doesn't mean you are depressed. That's all I meant.

I didn't feel this at all with any of mine.I would sometimes get a bit exasperated with the big one for being a bit rough or whatever, and certainly found having 2, then 3, then 4, very hard work sometimes and sometimes the whole situation put me into a pit of despair - but never fell out of love with them at all. I read this and I don't think it's "normal" to have such an extreme reaction. I don't think women expecting their second baby should worry that this is a normal reaction. If this happens I think the best thing to do is to recognise it is not a normal reaction and get some help asap. The writer had big problems giving birth and this sounded to me like PND of a sort - or some other sort of depression?

I do agree though, that in a less extreme way sometimes you can lose touch with a child a bit and have to work at the relationship - I found that a very positive aspect of the article as I have had times when my dd1 was younger when we didn't get on at all and eventually the penny dropped and I realised I had to work a bit harder at getting on with her and now we have (generally) a very good relationship.

I felt something similar to this but not to such an extent. I still loved my DD but I found coping with two young children very hard at first (mainly as I was living far away from friends and family and DH worked long hours) and DS was easier to handle than DD who was 2 and a half so going through that difficult phase anyway plus she was jealous of her new brothers arrival. My relationship with her definitely changed but I think it had to slighty so their was room for DS in our family. 2 and a half years later and I love having two kids - wouldn't have it any other way. It was hard for the first 6 months though and I do relate to this article but I think her experience was more of an extreme (possibly PND fuelled) one than mine!

I dont really agree with anything that this author says, I read her older book on a recommendation but found it incredibly negative (suddenly amazon feedback has brightened up now she is releasing anew book )

She speaks about not leaving the house for months after her second child, which I found quite self indulgent as i was out and about getting on with life within days because I had to, nobody else was going to do it but that was the same with my first

She does sound like she had a terrible birth though and I wonder from some comments if she had a touch of PTS or perhaps PND, which after such an experience wouldnt be altogether surprising, and I suppose discovering the details of the birth (not mentioned in the first book) has made me soften to her

But then maybe im one of the mums that makes the ones not coping feel terrible by managing, I dont think i am as im permanently flustered and loose my teper in the supermarket sometimes but perhaps I cant see it from the other side

Pavlov - exactly. it's not just about an awkward realtionship, it's not just about feeling your eldest child is big, clumsy, no longer cute (because my eldest child was still very petite and incredibly cute).

It does seem as though there is not much understanding of this problem if you haven't experienced it, and that unfortunately make mothers who experience it feel even more guilty and more freakish.

MrsMattie - the writer of the article did not have just awkwardness. She had something much more serious and devastating to her and her relationship with daughter. She talked about feeling like her like had been re-organised and she did not know how to find her way around it. I certainly expect DD and my relationship to change, of course it will, there will be a new baby and the family dynamic will alter, but thats the point of adding to the family isn't it? To improve/change/develop/extend. That cannot not have an impact, and some awkwardness and readjustment is inevitable, but to feel out of love with the first child does not feel like how it normally is?

Having suffered with PND after the birth of my first and not at all after DC2, I don't think this awkward relationship with your firstborn is necessarily linked to PND.

I felt on top of the world after having DD2 - totally euphoric and invincible for several months afterwards, and not a bit depressed. I had such a rush of love with my second baby, in fact, that it left me feeling irritated and annoyed with my firstborn, who was suddenly not my PFB, but a big cumbersome 3 yr old boy next to my dinky, smiley, easy little baby DD.

It's true that your first born quadruples in size in the time you're away having the baby.

I'm sorry to read that so many people relate so well to the artical. To reassure the OP and Eyeballs I'll add that it wasn't my experience at all. I loved my 2nd born right from the start, but only in a fierce, animal, protective way. Nothing like the precious adoration I had spent 2 years growing with my 1st born.

In fact, I felt almost impatient to get to know and love and like ds in the same way. I was looking forward to growing the same relationship with the new baby that I already had with my girl.

malfoy - I also feel very guilty still when I look at dd1 even though she's a happy, healthy five year old. I feel very protective of her.

It's really not a normal way to react after the birth of your second child. The feelings I experienced were not normal - I probably did have PND (a friend suggested that I did) but I remember thinking that no one could do anything to help even if i was diagnosed with PND.

And judging by this thread, it's actually quite a rare feeling to have.

Have just read the article and it has made me sad. Yes, there are definitely things to which I can relate.

Even now that DS is 5 I still feel guilty when I see toddlers who are the same age as he was (20 mths) when DD was born. He was so little; I made him grow up too quickly. I didn't get to enjoy him learning to talk, count, etc because I was absorbed with DD who was a very clingy baby.

I found the first year very hard.

Well I think the point is it's different for everyone and for her to be suggesting that her behavior is the within the norm range of reactions in order to sell her book is quite alarming actually.

Don't be put off, Eyeballs. There are so many moments of pure bliss when they are playing together, or cuddling up in bed, or just being THEM but doing it together iykwim. Makes it all worthwhile.

I might have struggled with the relationships going on THEY never did and absolutely adore each other.

Go make another one, right now!

We are TTC no2 at the moment and I HATE the newborn stage but am loving 11 month old DS1, I am worried when/if no2 comes along I just won't be interested in he/she because I much prefer children at 6months+.

I think EVERYONE worries to some extent about how the dynamics are going to change within the family and it effects each family differently. But they usually muddle thru

Sounds like she had postnatal depression to me. I sincerely hope this is not the norm as I love my 3 year old girl to bits and could not bear to not love her like I do.

The article actually made me cry. but like the OP I am pg too and a bit weepy at a lot of things

Thanks for the link - interesting article. Not in so much that I had the same thing, I didn't, not like that. Although I do empathise with the bit about cooing at the baby one minute and shouting at the toddler the next.

I just thought it was quite honest and so few people talk about some of the mental processes that you can go through after having a baby. Have only just been diagnosed with PND (10 months on) and can totally relate to suppressing thoughts and acting "normal" because you don't want people to think you're incapable, or some sort of unmaternal freak.

i had the sensation of dd suddenly seeming huge and awkward but tbh i think things actually inproved with regards to my patiance and tolerance once ds1 was born. during my preg i found dd very difficult to handle as i was huge and uncomfortable and she was a tiny toddler needing lots of physical work so i was constantly angry and snappy... once ds1 was born i was more able to deal with her and was so proud of how good she was with him i honestly loved her even more.

Yes, your baby turns into a toddler over night (only 14 months between my two, so that was a bit of a shock), but having number 2 didn't compromise my love for DC1 in anyway. Quite the opposite, it was DS2 I struggled with out of a massive sense of guilt that DS1 wasn't 'my baby' suddenly.

Hindsight has shown me it was all a load of bollocks. DC1 is still my baby 7 years later, as is DC2, 3 and 4. The only ongoing fallout is that I feel a bit unhappy with myself for wasting that precious time carrying round that negative guilt, which was unfounded and unnecessary. Really there was nothing to feel guilty for whatsoever.

It came and went and my bond with DC2, although it was a slow-burner to get that 'rush' we sometimes/never get, but I certainly wouldn't be hanging onto it a decade later and asking any of them about it.

And don't ever, ever, EVER let anyone else's experience put you off Eyeballs. If nothing else, you can at least be aware that there could be a change happening, which will help with the shock of it all.

Bloody maternal guilt.

Hi OP, I haven't read the article but just wanted to say that I read Rebecca Abrams book just after I had my second child. It was dreadful. I found the book really depressing. It said all sorts of things I didn't want to hear about having two children.

When my second (ds) was born, I fell a little bit more in love with my first (dd). I felt horribly guilty about being in hospital for 5 days for the birth and I missed dd terribly. She was wonderful towards ds, never hurt him, was a bit jealous but of course we expected that. Really, I didn't take much notice of ds for the newborn stage. If anything I felt a little bit indifferent towards him (yes I loved him of course) but he absolutely definitely did not take the shine off my feelings for dd. So, op, not everyone feels the same way on the birth of their second child, there's nothing to say you will feel like this journo.

I look backa nd realise I placed expectations on DS1 so high (for example I got so very cross and him for hurting the new born . big scratch on face. But he was only 19 months old so only jsut not a baby himself)... I smacked him for that (a never repeated event and the thought makes me cry still)

But my love for him never has changed just my expectations.

If anything it took me longer to bond with DS2.

Talk about any weird feelings you have, I did and it made soooooo much difference.

I look backa nd realise I placed expectations on DS1 so high (for example I got so very cross and him for hurting the new born . big scratch on face. But he was only 19 months old so only jsut not a baby himself)... I smacked him for that (a never repeated event and the thought makes me cry still)

But my love for him never has changed just my expectations.

If anything it took me longer to bond with DS2.

Talk about any weird feelings you have, I did and it made soooooo much difference.

I look backa nd realise I placed expectations on DS1 so high (for example I got so very cross and him for hurting the new born . big scratch on face. But he was only 19 months old so only jsut not a baby himself)... I smacked him for that (a never repeated event and the thought makes me cry still)

But my love for him never has changed just my expectations.

If anything it took me longer to bond with DS2.

Talk about any weird feelings you have, I did and it made soooooo much difference.

Eyeballs - it didn't put me off having a third child and all has been great this time.

Goodness, I really don't like the sound of this at all. Not pg with dc2 yet but planning soon and this is putting me off now

<off to read article>

It's not about going through a tough phase with your toddler.

It's about something - hormones, depression?- impacting on your feelings towards that toddler, however they behave.

But i was just thinking. Some mums are better with babies, some better with toddlers and others with school age children.

So even if you don't have second you would go through a tough phase with the toddler anyway?

Gosh, i don't know if i phrased it well and make any sense....

I've just read the article and it really does describe my experience.

I had had no problems bonding and loving dd1. I had such a good experience of motherhood - the birth, breastfeeding, everything, that just 19 months later I was doing it all again.

This time the birth was a lot harder, with a substantial amount of blood loss that I didn't realise at the time. I fainted twice in the first week but insisted that I was fine and tried to get back to normal.

Whenever I looked at dd1 I just did not see my daughter. I no longer felt like her mummy. She played up no end, and I struggled to cope with her behaviour and I felt absolutely terrified by my feelings, or rather lack of loving feelings. I had no idea that this could happen, no idea that I could feel this way, and I felt so guilty. It took about a year before the fog lifted and a lot of effort to feel like dd1's mother. I had always loved her; I just could not feel that love, the bond was still there I just could not see it.

I absolutely totally adore her, and fortunately after my third child's birth, I have had no depression and no problems feeling bonded with any of my children.

They are all the most precious things to me.

Is there a link to the article please?

This is interesting. I didn't fall out of love with DS1 but our relationship did change. Hard not to when DS2 as all placid and happy and wants me all the time and DS1 is a stroppy, daddy loving, mummy hating demon.

I have had to work hard to try to be fair to both of them and I appreciate their different personalities now. Would also have more. Not bloody yet though!

Oh my goodness. I had thought I was the only one. Ok I was never that extreme but with everyone around me asking will I love my second as much as my first I was feeling incredibly guilty wondering why I had 'gone off' my first.
I've since discovered I hadn't at all. It was just like Butterball described and now the two year old dc3 is the one I struggle with and ds1 is a sweetheart.

It sounds like this needs to be talked about more often and openly

I 've seen the article. No, didn't happened to me although i was fearing it.

But i had very small gap between them and was tiring so i guess you could say that ds1 'lost out' as i was tired and less patient?

Because of this feeling i was -as Omni- more likely to leave newborn to cry and pay attention to ds1.

It was spot on about the firstborn looking huge and pale and smooth compared with the little, red, wrinkly one. I did struggle with tiredness and coping with their sometimes conflicting demands, and with my good-natured, easy DD1 becoming much more demanding and attention seeking. I often felt I was reaching round and over the baby to get to DD1, and not just physically.

DD1 didn't like it when I left DD2 to cry for her benefit, but I did cling on to a bedtime routine for no. 1 - DH was left holding the grizzly baby, waiting for her evening feeding marathon, while I read to DD1 and cuddled her (and sometimes fell asleep with her).

I never fell out of love with her, but I don't think those first months with the pair of them was my finest hour as a mother. We muddled through, as you do, and came through it all right.

I suspect the author's experience was at the extreme end of a fairly normal situation.

She's not talking rubbish . Everyone talks about difficulties bonding with your second child, but no-one ever talks about how you can feel that the bond with your fist child disappears when your second child is born.

I was totally unprepared for those feelings and felt very very guilty. I had to work hard at getting those feelings back, and in retrospect I probably had some PND.

I've just read it and it has rung bells with me also.

I think my poor DS1 also had it hard as my DS2 was stillborn so when DS3 arrived (and DS1 had only just turned 3) I was totally smitten/over protective/completely wrapped up in DS3. It was like I was enjoying my DS3 for him and also for all those baby moments I'd missed with DS2.

My poor DS1 was a high energy, rough and tumble lad and I found myself just wanting him to leave me alone to enjoy my new baby.

Even now 19 months on I find myself looking adoringly at my DS3 and sighing with irritation with my DS1. I REALLY try to be fair and make sure DS1 gets lots of affection. But it's hard when you have one child that doesn't know how to be cheeky and rude and the other is a stoppy, shouty 4 year old.

I figure it'll even out soon enough. DS3 will be the stroppy, hard to handle toddler and DS1 will be older and less of a handful and he'll get all the smiles while his wee brother gets the sighs.

Rang bells with me too, though very like MrsM it was mainly about the toddler suddenly looking enormous (I had a home birth, my DS went out as my little baby and, two hours later when I'd given birth, came back as some hulking-great-danger-to-the-newborn), and my sudden anger with him about all kinds of things.

The love thing - it was baby DD got the short end of the stick at first, I was so paranoid about being unfair to 3 year old DS that I was very quick to put the baby down, let her cry etc.

Rang bells with me.

I didn't 'fall out of love' with my first child, but he did look suddenly enormous and just wasn't my baby anymore. Plus I was totally unprepared for the reality of living with his extreme jealousy of our newborn DD and my reaction to it (to get very, very cross with DS a lot, uncontrollably so, actually).

We plod along, though. It gets easier. I'd have anothe rone

I'd say she's talking rubbish if anything i felt the 2nd one had to earn it's stripes and that didn't happen until she was 12 months old, DD1 and I carried on our love affair and DD2 sort of watch for a year before she joined in.

I wouldn't call it falling out of love, but your relationship with your first born changes considerably, that is for sure.

Gist of it is she fell out of love with her first born straight away when second child born and had to work really hard to get he love back.

Made me cry! But I am 26 weeks pregnant with second child and crying at anything.

Did it ring bells with people? I'm already nervous about my how it will affect my first child when no 2 comes along but this was another angle on it that freaked me out a bit!