Funniest bit of childbirth(779 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
My funniest parts were havin gas and air after havin my baby for stiches i remember jus waffling on at my poor partner then wen a pessary was placed in my bum i sed 'ooo shes a bit freindly' lol then wen i stood up to take a shower i sed 'ooo it dont half hurt dwn there' everyone was in bits xxx
During a pretty traumatic premature birth I started passing out due to blood loss. Understandably my dh and dm were very worried and the consultant came rushing in with consent forms for an emergency section. My dm said she knew I was going to be ok when in the middle of the questions I was asked if I'd ever had a boob job to which I quickly came back around and pointed at myself while giving the woman a withering look and saying "does it look like it?!"
I was doing pretty well on gas and air until the last hour and a half of labour (four in total) but then decided that yes, I would have an epidural now thankyouverymuch.
After waiting what felt like an age for the doctor to come and sort it out, he kept missing the spot. I could feel the needle grating on my spine. After every attempt I had to stop him so I could get through a contraction. He said I needed to lean forward more - difficult with a huge bump in front of me? Eventually I begged to lie on my side and try it that way. He tried six times in all and seemed satisfied with the result in the end.
It didn't work. I still had more and more pain so I asked for him to come back. I lay on my side as I waited and waited and waited... then I whispered (stage whispered apparently) to my boyfriend if he doesn't come back right now and sort his mess out I'm going to slit his fucking throat!
He was already standing behind me
He increased the pain relief through the epidural but that didn't work either. I begged for him to be called back again, and this time I was boiling with rage. I felt a burning sensation and my body decided to push without my consent. I felt a big gush and shouted 'head out!' which apparently the midwives weren't expecting as they pushed me backwards to lie down. I'd leaned forward so that I could see my baby being born. I was quite pissed at this and shouted 'I can't see! My tits are in the way!'
I was later told that the anaesthetist finally arrived just as I'd shouted about the head being out. He'd taken one look, turned on his heel and disappeared looking a shade green.
One more thing: I was convinced I was doing a poo and I kept shouting for someone to remove the poo from the bed before my baby was born as I didn't want it to be covered in shit! My boyfriend was actually moving the covers around trying to find it for me!
During the third stage, lying there with my legs in stirrups and the doctor asked me to cough. I gave a cough, nothing happened. "Don't you want me to push?" I said. "No," says the doctor, "just give me a little cough."
'Oooookay,' I think, not expecting a little cough to do much. "Ahem" says I, with a feeble little cough. Next thing I know my placenta has shot straight out of my fanjo, prompting the doctor to literally do a small (ineffectual) hop backwards, before I hear it slap him in the thigh and slither down his leg.
He did not look impressed, and slunk off to change his scrubs while the midwife and trainee attempted to hide their laughing. Upon his return I was very apologetic as he was the one stitching me up, luckily by then he saw the funny side and told me he'd forward me the dry cleaning bill
While they were giving me the epidural I kept asking "Is it in yet? Is it in yet? I can't feel it...is it in yet?" and OH sat opposite me trying to keep a straight face.
DC3 home birth - decided I really needed to sit on the loo in the ensuite & of course as soon as I sat down started giving the most almighty push. DH said OMG I don't want the baby going round the u bend to which I (off my face on entonox) replied "Don't worry she'll bungey on the cord!" Midwife & DH took one arm each & threw me from the toilet onto the bed & the baby shot out like a cork. Luckily the midwife was one of my closest friends & when I opened my eyes tears were rolling down her face she was laughing so much!
I delivered my ds myself in the hospital toilets. I'd been induced and had been timing my contractions on an app and was being told I was in final stages. Midwife didn't believe me. A different (lovely) midwife came to check me a few hours later (6am) and my waters broke everywhere - possibly in her face. I promptly vaulted off the bed and ran to the toilets shouting 'I need the loo!' -I remember she looked very surprised as I disappeared into the sunset.
2 minutes later and I had pushed twice (on the loo) and the head appeared. I panicked a bit because I thought the original midwife was going to tell me off, so I pulled the emergency cord. Heard a voice asking if I could unlock the door (derp) and I shrieked something to the effect of 'No! I've got a baby hanging out of me! You get in here!'
One more push, ds promptly free falls down the toilet. I caught him, held him up and we stared at each other - I swear we both looked equally shocked. Suddenly the door bursts open and about 7 midwives come charging in - with the second midwife (who I'd escaped from) marine-crawling across the floor. I was grinning like an idiot at this point.
Our children were born in the US as DH is American. I was bearing down to push out dc3 when the three nurses in the room started calling out numbers excitedly. Despite my drugged up confusion I realized to my horror they were guessing the baby's weight. And those were big numbers.
Then the OB/Gyn doc says "HoneyandRum you're not having a baby you're having a toddler!"
DS was born, quickly weighed and was just under 11lb. They tried to print his newborn footprint on these specially made cards but his toes and heel dangled off the edges. We also had to get him a special sized baby bucket carseat as he was too long/tall.
He's now 6, the youngest in his year but still the tallest, my little cutie.
There were 2 things for me. The first was when DH was helping me to put the TENS machine on and we'd just got the pads in place and switched it on. It was early labour so I was doing ok at a low vibration (no 2). DH then sat down on the control which turned the TENS on to full power (10) and I yelped and nearly shot off the bed. It bloody hurt at the time, but is funny looking back on it.
The 2nd had us in fits of laughter, a nurse came in to my room (to give me another jug of water I think), and I was lying on the bed chatting to DH who was sitting next to it. He'd plonked himself down on my wheelchair earlier on and we were talking about what i'd packed in my hospital bag. He stood up to go and check something, and the nurse screamed and nearly had a fit, she said that she'd thought DH was the wheelchair user when all of a sudden got up and walked across the room
My friend who had given birth a few months before me said her husband took his ipad into hospital and watched the England match. I made the mistake of telling DH this and he assumed the hospital had wi-fi (rather than friends hubby having a better iPad than us with 3G on it).
So he brought ours in, and despite the fact that I was very close to giving birth (contraction 1 minute apart) and no footy matches playing at 1am, he kept banging on about wi-fi. I was kid-contraction when he asked the nurse "do you know what the wi-fi password is?". I stopped using my gas and air to turn to him and tell him what a twat he was (I'd stated swear word free until then).
I was also convinced the baby's head was going back in when I was pushing, and declared this likely.
But worst of all, this wasn't funny at the time as I was having a huge postpartum bleed and the midwife literally stuck her whole hand inside me to stem the blood, but later on (still a bit high from drugs) I told her that's the first time I'd ever been fisted
Had an ERPC on tuesday, and for some reason, reading all 700+ messages in one hit on tuesday night cheered me up no end... reminded me of 2nd home birth....
We were living in a basement flat directly opposite a well known london embassy with very high security. Somehow the fire alarm in the building went off during the birth. Given our location, the occasions when this happened always led to at least 2, usually 3 fire engines arriving pronto, all the firefighters tumbling out, and a top to toe search of the building, just in case. Cue DP attempting to explain that now really wasn't the time for the firefighters to be traipsing through our flat. Of course, they were required to make sure all was ok so some back and forth followed. When DP finally admitted I was in last stages of labour, they wanted to take me to the hospital in the fire engine instead ... I'm pretty sure DP managed to convince them to go home in the end, but I have to admit, I was in my own zone the whole time and i'm not sure i would have noticed the extra body or two in the flat......
For me, with my 1st born, just as his head was crowning in the delivery room, a man from British Gas opened the door saying he'd been sent to investigate a reported gas leak. I remember the midwife shouting at him to get out & no way was he entering the room. TBH, by that time, I couldn't have cared if they'd marched a division of the light infantry through !!!
Just bumping for those that have never read this thread
High on Gas and Air in the birth pool listening to my chill out music and pushing to "Deliver Me" by enya. I remember trying to convey the irony, but DH said I was mumbling at the time.
Telling the dh to pick up the baby we were off, the midwife then said can I deliver placenta first! One hr later I'm out of here!
In the hazy half an hour post delivery when the midwife attached her mining headlamp, got out a needle and thread and disappeared between my legs. That was surreal!!!
Walking dreamily through the nursery and looking for my wee one in her little crib (she'd been put in there while I had a shower and an important chat with a consultant), I stroked a little head and said 'hallo sweetpea' and went to pick her up.
'Your baby is over here Mrs Bright....'
Well, they all look the same don't they?
I was having incredibly intense contractions when the mw asked to examine me and break my waters. Took my leggings off and heaved myself up on the table for the mw and consultant to burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at until the mw said "we've not perfected keyhole surgery through pants yet!"
Oh, I also had an epidural and decided I needed a poo. My mum and DH left to give me some privacy and the midwife put me on a bedpan, but I just couldn't poo lying down. I knew I had to sit up but the midwife wouldn't let me so I asked her if she would warm up my heat-pack. She left, leaving me by myself, and I promptly heaved myself off the bed to go to the toilet. Another midwife came in while I was standing up and asked me if I was okay, and I told her that I really had to go to the toilet. Fine, she said, on you go. I was really confused at this point and asked her how to unplug my epidural and the look of shock on her face when she realised that I'd had an epidural and was standing up asking to go to the toilet was brilliant she panicked and called in two other midwives, totally convinced I was about to collapse at any moment. I didn't but it was brilliant
I was going into labour at home with DS and had the show coming out into my knickers. Tried to get to the loo but our cat came in with a HUGE dead rat, first and only time, and laid it at my feet so I ended up holding the rat by the tail with one hand and my big contracting belly with the other and throwing the rat out of the front door. Maybe the cat was trying to help?
DP had made a quick trip out to the supermarket while this was happening. He was away for what seemed like ages and when he arrived back had bought a magazine for what he thought would be the long slow boring haul ahead. Ended up being a full on intense labour with no reading opportunities for the next ten or so hours I shat myself unashamedly in the pool in front of birth partners, DP and the MW, no one seemed too worried and I was past caring. I cared the next day when an uncle whom I rarely see insisted on visiting and copped a lovely eyeful of bloody, pooey pool water in the lounge cos we hadn't had a chance to take it down
During labour DS got stuck and no amount of bone crushing pushes from me would shift him. Transfer to hospital... The ambulance arrives at our house and two ambulance guys are in the lounge, standing around taking their time, introducing themselves to me, while I'm hunched groaning and heaving on the floor. I thought I don't give a shit what your names are get me in the fucking ambulance! But evidently didn't say it out loud...
Our neighbour thought his flatmate was having loud crazy sex that night but it was me being half carried groaning and neighing down our driveway to the ambulance
I remember having the pessary in as part of being induced. All was fine one min, then all of a sudden wham! Incessant and excruciating contractions started - every two minutes ! Relentless agony... By the fourth or fifth one I had ripped all the monitor stuff off of me and ran to the toilet as i seriously thought I was going to vomit/piss/shit myself in pain! Awful! (But rather funny in hindsight )
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