Funniest bit of childbirth

(739 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

RandomMess Sat 25-Jan-14 19:33:07

Just bumping for those that have never read this thread grin

Millenniumbug1 Sat 21-Dec-13 19:47:51

For me, with my 1st born, just as his head was crowning in the delivery room, a man from British Gas opened the door saying he'd been sent to investigate a reported gas leak. I remember the midwife shouting at him to get out & no way was he entering the room. TBH, by that time, I couldn't have cared if they'd marched a division of the light infantry through !!!

MayfairMummy Thu 19-Dec-13 20:30:55

Had an ERPC on tuesday, and for some reason, reading all 700+ messages in one hit on tuesday night cheered me up no end... reminded me of 2nd home birth....

We were living in a basement flat directly opposite a well known london embassy with very high security. Somehow the fire alarm in the building went off during the birth. Given our location, the occasions when this happened always led to at least 2, usually 3 fire engines arriving pronto, all the firefighters tumbling out, and a top to toe search of the building, just in case. Cue DP attempting to explain that now really wasn't the time for the firefighters to be traipsing through our flat. Of course, they were required to make sure all was ok so some back and forth followed. When DP finally admitted I was in last stages of labour, they wanted to take me to the hospital in the fire engine instead ... I'm pretty sure DP managed to convince them to go home in the end, but I have to admit, I was in my own zone the whole time and i'm not sure i would have noticed the extra body or two in the flat......

FindusCrispyShitCakes Wed 18-Dec-13 04:49:39

My friend who had given birth a few months before me said her husband took his ipad into hospital and watched the England match. I made the mistake of telling DH this and he assumed the hospital had wi-fi (rather than friends hubby having a better iPad than us with 3G on it).

So he brought ours in, and despite the fact that I was very close to giving birth (contraction 1 minute apart) and no footy matches playing at 1am, he kept banging on about wi-fi. I was kid-contraction when he asked the nurse "do you know what the wi-fi password is?". I stopped using my gas and air to turn to him and tell him what a twat he was (I'd stated swear word free until then).

I was also convinced the baby's head was going back in when I was pushing, and declared this likely.

But worst of all, this wasn't funny at the time as I was having a huge postpartum bleed and the midwife literally stuck her whole hand inside me to stem the blood, but later on (still a bit high from drugs) I told her that's the first time I'd ever been fisted blush

There were 2 things for me. The first was when DH was helping me to put the TENS machine on and we'd just got the pads in place and switched it on. It was early labour so I was doing ok at a low vibration (no 2). DH then sat down on the control which turned the TENS on to full power (10) and I yelped and nearly shot off the bed. It bloody hurt at the time, but is funny looking back on it.
The 2nd had us in fits of laughter, a nurse came in to my room (to give me another jug of water I think), and I was lying on the bed chatting to DH who was sitting next to it. He'd plonked himself down on my wheelchair earlier on and we were talking about what i'd packed in my hospital bag. He stood up to go and check something, and the nurse screamed and nearly had a fit, she said that she'd thought DH was the wheelchair user when all of a sudden got up and walked across the room

HoneyandRum Tue 18-Jun-13 14:18:23

Our children were born in the US as DH is American. I was bearing down to push out dc3 when the three nurses in the room started calling out numbers excitedly. Despite my drugged up confusion I realized to my horror they were guessing the baby's weight. And those were big numbers.

Then the OB/Gyn doc says "HoneyandRum you're not having a baby you're having a toddler!"

DS was born, quickly weighed and was just under 11lb. They tried to print his newborn footprint on these specially made cards but his toes and heel dangled off the edges. We also had to get him a special sized baby bucket carseat as he was too long/tall.

He's now 6, the youngest in his year but still the tallest, my little cutie.

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Sun 02-Jun-13 00:05:28

I delivered my ds myself in the hospital toilets. I'd been induced and had been timing my contractions on an app and was being told I was in final stages. Midwife didn't believe me. A different (lovely) midwife came to check me a few hours later (6am) and my waters broke everywhere - possibly in her face. I promptly vaulted off the bed and ran to the toilets shouting 'I need the loo!' -I remember she looked very surprised as I disappeared into the sunset.

2 minutes later and I had pushed twice (on the loo) and the head appeared. I panicked a bit because I thought the original midwife was going to tell me off, so I pulled the emergency cord. Heard a voice asking if I could unlock the door (derp) and I shrieked something to the effect of 'No! I've got a baby hanging out of me! You get in here!'

One more push, ds promptly free falls down the toilet. I caught him, held him up and we stared at each other - I swear we both looked equally shocked. Suddenly the door bursts open and about 7 midwives come charging in - with the second midwife (who I'd escaped from) marine-crawling across the floor. I was grinning like an idiot at this point.

themidwife Thu 30-May-13 21:27:21

DC3 home birth - decided I really needed to sit on the loo in the ensuite & of course as soon as I sat down started giving the most almighty push. DH said OMG I don't want the baby going round the u bend to which I (off my face on entonox) replied "Don't worry she'll bungey on the cord!" Midwife & DH took one arm each & threw me from the toilet onto the bed & the baby shot out like a cork. Luckily the midwife was one of my closest friends & when I opened my eyes tears were rolling down her face she was laughing so much! grin

ItsTheYoniWay Sat 25-May-13 05:02:32

While they were giving me the epidural I kept asking "Is it in yet? Is it in yet? I can't feel it...is it in yet?" and OH sat opposite me trying to keep a straight face.

KnittedC Tue 21-May-13 19:09:31

During the third stage, lying there with my legs in stirrups and the doctor asked me to cough. I gave a cough, nothing happened. "Don't you want me to push?" I said. "No," says the doctor, "just give me a little cough."

'Oooookay,' I think, not expecting a little cough to do much. "Ahem" says I, with a feeble little cough. Next thing I know my placenta has shot straight out of my fanjo, prompting the doctor to literally do a small (ineffectual) hop backwards, before I hear it slap him in the thigh and slither down his leg.

He did not look impressed, and slunk off to change his scrubs while the midwife and trainee attempted to hide their laughing. Upon his return I was very apologetic as he was the one stitching me up, luckily by then he saw the funny side and told me he'd forward me the dry cleaning bill grin

Boomerwang Thu 16-May-13 22:31:51

One more thing: I was convinced I was doing a poo and I kept shouting for someone to remove the poo from the bed before my baby was born as I didn't want it to be covered in shit! My boyfriend was actually moving the covers around trying to find it for me!

Boomerwang Thu 16-May-13 22:30:32

I was doing pretty well on gas and air until the last hour and a half of labour (four in total) but then decided that yes, I would have an epidural now thankyouverymuch.

After waiting what felt like an age for the doctor to come and sort it out, he kept missing the spot. I could feel the needle grating on my spine. After every attempt I had to stop him so I could get through a contraction. He said I needed to lean forward more - difficult with a huge bump in front of me? Eventually I begged to lie on my side and try it that way. He tried six times in all and seemed satisfied with the result in the end.

It didn't work. I still had more and more pain so I asked for him to come back. I lay on my side as I waited and waited and waited... then I whispered (stage whispered apparently) to my boyfriend if he doesn't come back right now and sort his mess out I'm going to slit his fucking throat!

He was already standing behind me blush

He increased the pain relief through the epidural but that didn't work either. I begged for him to be called back again, and this time I was boiling with rage. I felt a burning sensation and my body decided to push without my consent. I felt a big gush and shouted 'head out!' which apparently the midwives weren't expecting as they pushed me backwards to lie down. I'd leaned forward so that I could see my baby being born. I was quite pissed at this and shouted 'I can't see! My tits are in the way!'

I was later told that the anaesthetist finally arrived just as I'd shouted about the head being out. He'd taken one look, turned on his heel and disappeared looking a shade green.

10storeylovesong Wed 15-May-13 13:12:36

During a pretty traumatic premature birth I started passing out due to blood loss. Understandably my dh and dm were very worried and the consultant came rushing in with consent forms for an emergency section. My dm said she knew I was going to be ok when in the middle of the questions I was asked if I'd ever had a boob job to which I quickly came back around and pointed at myself while giving the woman a withering look and saying "does it look like it?!"

rachi1990xx Sun 05-May-13 23:23:21

My funniest parts were havin gas and air after havin my baby for stiches i remember jus waffling on at my poor partner then wen a pessary was placed in my bum i sed 'ooo shes a bit freindly' lol then wen i stood up to take a shower i sed 'ooo it dont half hurt dwn there' everyone was in bits xxx

cantpooinpeace Fri 08-Mar-13 13:28:19

When I asked the midwives to "stitch me up properly as I didn't want to look like a ripped bus seat"
(Drunk on gas & air)

Loz1980 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:45:57

During first labour and off it on gas and air I started singing some song from The Little Mermaid and telling my DH and DM how I'd seen the film at the cinema with my friend Julie when I was little. The midwife was trying to tell me something important and I vaguely remember DH and DM trying to shut me up long enough to listen. I wasn't having any of it and was sure my story was more important than anything. I think I was waving my arms about for effect too.

CorrieDale Sat 02-Mar-13 17:14:53

I explained, several times and with increasing patronism, that I needed a poo. The midwife explained, far more patiently than I deserved, that I was actually having a baby. I took myself off to the cloakroom where I did not produce a poo. The baby however arrived some hours later.

littlesos Sat 02-Mar-13 15:41:06

Lovely quick home birth with dd2, until PPH. Ambulance arrives, can't take baby in the ambulance as there are no child restraints, all going a bit fuzzy, then the midwife starts to throw up. Apparently shes really car sick. Get to hospital and she has to be pushed in a wheelchair behind me on the trolley. Not funny at the time, but everything turned out good so can smile about it now.

Debbylou Sat 02-Mar-13 01:20:07

First baby ds was in labour all day but didnt know it lol spent the whole day cooking a full sunday lunch and just having a little sit down on the stairs when the "braxton hicks" were bad lol looking back it most certainly was not bh, mum and dp were telling me all day Debbylou your in labour me saying no am not it doesnt hurt enough to be labour well by 1am it did hurt enough haha, cue 16hrs in the bath on gna me out of my mind and talking utter shite and midwife trying to get me to eat cold soggy toast to boost my energy my reply you eat the stuff its icky nasty n cold, best part was dp's reaction to ds arriving and just staring at everyone like who are you people and why is it so cold out here, then dp had to leave the room while placenta was delivered because he almost fainted haha grin

NishiNoUsagi Mon 26-Nov-12 01:05:06

Attempted vbac with DS2 didn't go as planned, and became a c-section. At this point contractions were pretty strong, and coming every other minute. The anaesthetist doing the epidural only had a 1 minute gap between contractions to get the epi in, and it took him countless attempts over 10 minutes. So there's me curled over in a ball, naked from the chest down, leaking copiously as waters had been broken, but despite this in fits of laughter as every contraction bought about an unstoppable flurry of guffs.. It was kind of "ow ow ow ow argh feck feck feck parp parp paaaaarp.. hahahah ouch! parp haha ow squeeep!! hahahah.." for 10 minutes. The poor anaesthetist visited me the next day to check for after effects, and all I remember saying is "No, are you ok?? I'm so sorry for all the guffing!" and hiding under my pillow..

Sokmonsta Sun 25-Nov-12 19:01:47

Gas and air! Had it for labour with dd. tried to put the pipe in my ear, at which point they took it off me for a little while. Telling everyone I could do that again then, while high on g&a and the consultant was stitching me up, telling him to see it right up as there was no way I was doing anything that hurt that much again. blush

Ds was a planned HB. He arrived 4 minutes before the mw. I had screamed and hollered my way through early contractions (wimping out cos I wanted my g&a). Then thought I'd better close the back doors which were wide open. Had to go to hospital for stitching again. Originally told I'd be given a spinal block. Consultant decided it wasn't that bad and I could do it on gas and air. I was flying that time! White light, conversations between mw and dh and I that were entirely in my head. Bawled my eyes out when I had the g&a taken away (slightly too early) and apologised profusely for being able to labour and deliver ds with nothing but crying when it came to the stitches.

Dts. Arrived at DAU cos my waters were leaking. Was monitored and then waiting for dr while they decided what to do. Told dh contractions had started and sent him to get my bag as I knew we weren't going anywhere. Contractions got big time and I'm standing at the end of the bed, holding on for dear life and crying with the pain. Mw sees I'm not alright and hurries to get someone. By the time she's back, I'm pulling my trousers off because t1 was coming. Hear 'she's crowning' as I'm getting on the bed on all 4's, still crying and trying not to scream as there's a packed waiting room next door. They whisk a sheet over me, push the bed through the packed waiting room while telling me to breathe and not pushblushblushblush

Then we get to delivery and all I'm doing is begging for g&a, telling them I can't move without it - they're trying to get me on a delivery bed but their pipe is the wrong side so too short. Nearly fell through the gap between beds! Finally get it then the damn mouth piece and pipe separate so I freaked. T1 arrived in 2 pushes. Dh had returned just in time to catch everyone whisking me off.

I am lucky that I can see the funny side to these, especially the twins as that did also traumatise me. But we had many more amusing episodes when I stayed with them in hospital for 13 days. Inc being asked by a hcp whether my boy/girl twins were identicalconfused

GeekLove Sat 24-Nov-12 22:53:16

For me it had to be my grand entrance with DS1. We were going along the A46 until just before the turning we heard the fwap fwap sound of a puncture. So we drive VERY slowly to the hospital where it turns out I am T the wrong entrance. I realise I am going be sick an do so RIGHT in the middle of the floor.
Also at 4am finding that Obama was president on the radio I clenched my fist and shouted YEAH!

Katla Tue 06-Nov-12 15:56:24

After being in labour for about 30 hours and only being 6-7 cm dilated, childbirth did not seem amusing in the slightest - then I had an epidural and was given a hormone drip to speed things up. Numb was good.

Six hours later, the doctor said I still wasn't fully dilated as there was still a bit of cervix there and I was prepped for a CS and taken to the theatre. When we got there they examined me again and said cervix had eventually fully dilated and they were going to attempt forceps instead.

It was then totally surreal as a roomful of about ten people introduced themselves to me from the floor space approximately between my legs which were by that point entirely numb and open to the world in stirrups. 'Hi, I'm George and I'm the xx', 'I'm Caroline and the consultant...' etc. Dignity totally out the window - nod and smile....

Then after the baby was born, another older man who looked quite like my dad, put each of his arms around my (still spreadeagled) thighs and towed me forwards down the operating table to the edge - for the doctor to stitch me up sitting on a stool. If I hadn't laughed, I think I might have cried!

Then when gingerly feeling the car crash that was my nether regions after all of that - telling my DH that my a**ehole felt like a car tyre grin

INeedThatForkOff Fri 02-Nov-12 09:32:29

I gave birth on Monday. While being stitched up, the consultant said something about having a while off work now. I will be doing, but I also do private tuition and stuff, and mentioned that I'd be returning to that much sooner.

'I tutor x [consultant's colleague's son], actually,' I wittered, high on happy hormones and a shitload of gas and air
'Oh, that's you is it?' he replied, at which it occurred to me how undignified exposed my situation was grin

Anyway, he explained that he'd been hoping I would tutor his daughter, but his colleague had told him I was heavily pregnant for a while. However, he'd be in touch when I got back to it in January.

It was so wrong, but very funny, to find myself drumming up business while the consultant has his head down the - er - business end grin.

theressomethingaboutmarie Thu 01-Nov-12 08:15:54

Birth of DS1 in August of this year. I was in the pool and starting to push;

Me: I'm having a big poo
Midwife: I think you'll find that's your baby......

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