Funniest bit of childbirth(780 Posts)
My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.
Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.
Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.
I told my DH that I could smell steak bakes and new pencil cases. I went into detail about the kind of pencil case I meant- those cheapo plasticy poundland ones that come with a pencil, sharpener, ruler... I then told him about all the pencil cases I'd ever owned in chronological order.
Know I think about it, the plastic smell was probably the gas and air mouthpiece, but the steak pies...?
Oh, when I went for a shower afterwards, I spent ages wiping down the bath and floor with wet loo roll as I was too embarrassed to leave the bathroom covered in blood. (Forgetting the state of the bed and floor in the delivery room!)
My friend coming in to see me and DD at hospital and promptly bursting into tears. I still tease her about that 7 years later.
The green and orange puke because of gas and air, that was weird yet so fascinating.
Not my own, but...
A (nice) male colleague told me that he was holding his labouring wife's hand with one hand, distractedly massaging her cramping calf with the other. Wife went "when are you going to do something about my leg!?". He then realised he was actually massaging the breast of the rabbit in headlights student midwife.
Apparently student midwife didn't like to embarrass him.
Another two from #3.
Baby had somehow got herself onto a nerve, so my right leg was in utter agony: could hardly move. Anyway, I needed the toilet so was in there trying to go (a #2 which was ironic considering how constipated I'd been during pregnancy...), but I couldn't sit down properly due to the nerve pain, and was contracting every two minutes. So basically in the 45secs between contractions I had to grit my teeth, sit down properly (which was so much more painful than it sounds: I had never realised how dreadful nerve pain really was...) and try to go. Then the next contraction hit and I couldn't do anything until it had passed.
And about half-way through DH woke up, walked to the toilet door and on hearing I was 'doing a poo', starting bricking himself that it was actually the baby and I was about to give birth into the toilet (I wish - still had 8hrs of fun left...). Only just managed to stop him ringing for the midwife.
Also - #3 was born Christmas Day. Midwife had never delivered a baby on Christmas Day so physically pushed the consultant out of the way in order to catch DD2
Utterly awful at the time but quite funny in retrospect.
First - my waters being broken by the
hitler midwife who told me I didn't know what real pain was despite having been awake for 50 hours at that point with a back to back baby! They went so forcefully they sprayed up her face
Second - having a shot of pethidine, closing my eyes for 5 mins when in RL it was an hour and a half later and telling my OH off for daring to go to the loo despite him apparently asking me if it was ok and me telling him it was fine!
Third - it was fairly quick (3 hours) no time for pain relief, I begged, the mw said no and then as soon as DD was out, mw lifted her up and she peed all over her shoes!
Fourth - husband wearing the sick bowl as a hat...having a puff of gas and air only to fall over giggling like a school girl...and everyone falling silent to wait for me to scream "fuck off!" at the Peak of every contraction then resume the conversation when I stopped as if nothing had happened!
What a great thread! Here's my contribution. After 26h of labour at home and in the birthing centre and having "failed to progress", I was transferred to the labour ward, whereupon I started shouting statistics I had downloaded and memorised for that very hospital about medical interventions. I said, "I'm not waiting for you to cut me, shove forceps up me and then resort to an emergency c section. I want to cut straight to the c section now and get this over with".
(Male) registrar: "you've only been in labour 6 hours"
Me: I'm not listening to a man about labour. I've been in labour since Wednesday evening and it's now Friday.
Him: I'd like to try an induction drug for four hours and see if we can get going.
Me: you've got two.
Two hours later when I'd complained enough he wearily brought in a female colleague who took pity on me and agreed he should do the c section. Even then I had the gall to say, "right, it's 2.30am. Are you feeling up to this? Not too tired?" Er, yes, Jaffa, it's my job. DH was just v quiet hoping the embarrassment would be over v soon. DS was born 20 mins later in a really chilled c section.
Now 5w pg with dc2 and will be planning a home birth.
I love this thread I've read it all over the last two days, my funny bits are;
With DD, I just finished a contraction and mw left the room, DH said can I try the g&a so I gave it to him just as another contraction started, I tried to take it back but just smacked him in the face with the mouthpiece giving him a nice fat lip.
With DS, we arrived at hospital and DH said should I get a wheelchair, I said no thanks, I'd like to walk before I lose all my dignity. Suddenly I'm on the floor crawling around in the foyer saying, I don't give a f* who see's me I'm having a contraction!
10 minutes later DH was helping me get changed and on to the bed while mw leisurely asks questions and fills in forms, asks if I want gas and air which I did so she goes off for ages to get it, I'm sucking on the mouthpiece saying it's not working like it did last time and she said that is because you are close to having your baby, let's do an internal, she looks panicked says you're 10 cm and the trolley isn't ready, runs out the door shouting for help while I'm asking DH should I push? (like he'd know) thankfully not much happened because I needed an episiotomy but I was there less than an hour before he was born and I was all stitched up
End of a very long induction for #3.
Doctor had decided to take a sample from baby's head to check oxygen levels. I was 6cm at this point. They put my feet up in stirrups and she went in with all her bits of metal and was rummaging around. Suddenly I have to push (so 6-10cm in a matter of minutes), and I start screaming at her to 'get out of me, because the baby is coming now'. She told me to hang on a minute, at which I screamed again that she was in the way of the baby, I was DONE being in labour, and that I was going to push whether she wanted me to or not. She then obligingly got out of my vagina and let the baby be born
I had a really long labour with DD and probably a poor choice of birthing partner in my mother. She managed to drop a cannister of gas and air on my foot mid contraction which I only clocked afterwards when I found a mysteriously swollen, blue foot post labour and she confessed.
I had opted for a home birth and had a pool ready. The only thing was we'd never actually filled it with hot water and our tank didn't have anything like enough water to do the job. Cue birthing partner and mum running across the road to get the neighbours to put their kettles on to fill the pool and lots of sniggers from the MW.
The first time it happened wasn't so funny, the second time was amusing - now, with hindsight it makes me giggle!
Dd 1; after a couple of hours "I can't take it, I have to come in" "no dear (complete with implied pat on the head) take some paracetamol and we'll see you tomorrow" 1 hr later we were there "I really need pain relief" "look we'll bring you in and take a look but we're busy so you'll have to wait" 30 minutes later "dp buzz them, I need to push" mw arrives, sighs, rolls eyes, tutts. Lifts sheet, turns puce, yells "press the red button" and catches dd (and most of the waters )
Dd2; ^^ exactly the same only much quicker, right down to the "press the red button" screech!
You'd think they'd give me some credit seeing as it was my second and my notes said PRECIPITATE all over them in red! The look on their face still tickles me now, many years later. In fact I meet the assisting mw a few years ago (I work there niw). She actually remembered me, apparently mw1 was known as a bit of a dragon and it had pleased everyone when she emerged dripping and somewhat embarrassed!
The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice: "THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS" (I, however, was not finding things quite so amusing....)
Proper laughing at some of these. After being induced for baby 3 at 9am, contractions started mildly around the 3pm mark. Coming strong and fast by midnight. Down to delivery to be told only 3cm. 3fuckin cm ffs. Felt like my insides were escaping apparently through hole size of a pea shooter. Baby came at 5am and dp stayed until 7 where he then announced how tired and exhausted he was after having a baby and was off home for well earned sleep. Me on the other hand was stuck waiting around until 9 to get up to the ward. We sure get the raw deal lmao
#1 I was having extremely bad contractions and the MWs decided to put me in the birthing pool. I had to walk past a group of rosy faced expectant mums who were being shown around the health centre. I was screaming GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY like a mad woman. I think about half of them started panicking that second about their labours.
DC3 XH was at home (he's have been next to useless anyway) so it was just me and the MW. She asked if a student doctor could attend as it was his first birth. He sat all evening telling me how amazing and brave I was through teary eyes. He kept on and on. When he nipped out to the loo I begged the MW to tell him to shut the fuck up. She laughed.
Just sat and cackled at a lot of your stories, and as my first post I would like to add my own! Baby was struggling due to meconium causing lack of oxygen for her, and causing my blood pressure to bottom out therefore I was rushed in for an emergency C by a massively panicked team (who went in the wrong entrance to the delivery suite, so I was trapped on the bed with a screaming consultant and anaesthetist who was trying to top up my epidural!) they laid me flat which caused me to puke everywhere, I then almost fell of the table! Anyway, they had propped my head up causing massive pain in my neck, I then started trying to bribe the anaesthetist to give me an epidural in my neck because of the pain, offering money and kisses as a reward! Occasionally shouting am I dying, it feels like I'm dying (which, to be fair I was , talk about gallows humour!) then asked my best mate the anaesthetist to put in a good word to get me my own room as I didn't want to be without my partner. Then when they told us it was a girl I asked them to check about 4 times as I was sure it was a boy and they had got it wrong! I must have said more (but can't remember for obvious reasons!) as one of the midwives came up to me and said that it was the funniest time she had ever had in c-section! Good to know someone was having fun haha
During my second labour MWs asked if had any names lined up for baby girl.
DH: We have a list but waiting to choose. We like to see the face (why he chose this way of saying we want to see what she looks like first I'll never know!)
Student MW (with a totally straight face): Cedarface, that's intetesting.
Me: No, he means we haven't decided yet because we want to see what she looks like.
Later the student MW gave us a card thanking us for letting her deliver the baby and as we hadn't settled on the name it was written out to BendyMum, BendyDad and Cedarface!
When I was 37+6 I told DP that if he didn't get up in the morning for work (annoying alarms) I would tell him my waters had broken. At 4am they actually did break and he didn't believe me until I stood up and almost flooded our bedroom. I waddled straight to the shower with a mirror to erm, de-bush whilst he cleaned the kitchen.
On the day assessment ward and the midwife told me that I was not in bad pain, I almost punched her.
Absolutely off my tits on G&A I was floating around the in the BP, sleeping in between contractions. I hadn't spoke for a good twenty minutes when all of a sudden I lift my head up and say '' oh its just like NCIS you know when Gibbs zzzzzzzzzzzzz''
Whilst pushing DP called me a good girl after a mammoth push, I spent the next five minutes repeating 'jellies a good girl'
During the last ten minutes of pushing I was completely silent before screaming 'it burns' and returning to silence.
As soon as DS was born I asked the midwife if I had done a poo, she said no and I told DP to pay up the five pounds he owes me because I won the bet.
I was just handing the MW back my G&A tube when she told me she was going to put her finger in my bum. I grabbed the tube back and carried on chugging.
Just realised as well. My DH very nearly missed DS being born. We had been in all night on maternity ward contracting and he went out to get us coffees and pastries as it didn't seem to be happening. He literally walked back into the ward to see me being hauled into a wheelchair and rushed to delivery suite.
They ran me through the hospital, into delivery, delivered baby and our coffees were still warm
We found this surprisingly funny!
From DD - had diamorphine to speed things along and try to sleep abit (after 50 hours contracting at home to only 3cm!!) and was using G&A with contractions. Started reciting Spider-Man (the film) in great detail to my husband!! And apparently I was Spider-Man in the story!
DS - again, diamorphine and G&A. Decided I was the star from twinkle twinkle. Lay there singing the tune and 'shining' at everyone (no idea but I was certain I was shiny).
Also, crazy thing to have happened:
My midwife who delivered DD also delivered DS!!
She was a 3rd yr student when dd was born and I just loved her. And when we went in to have DS she was a fully qualified midwife - didn't recognise us but that's hardly surprising! But I was just like 'oh my god! You delivered my daughter!!
Maybe not funny but definitely cool!
Pmsl at some of these!
My dd was born in April and when she was put on my stomach right after the birth the first thing I said was "She looks like an angry gnome!" bless her heart lol.
Also when my mum was in labour with her dd3 (my little sister) the midwives were watching Supermarket Sweep in her room. So Dale Winton was probably the first thing my sister saw!
I love this thread. I've just read it all in one go.
It's funny to think of how old everyone's babies are now, it was years ago when this thread was started and long may it continue!
When a dozen workmen in bright orange high-vis jackets walked past the window just as a contraction came to an end
With DS we got 'evicted' off the antinatal ward during an induction. After 12hours of strong contractions back to back, it got to 4am and the screaming and swearing got too much for the other ladies on the ward. Despite being 0cms and not even in labour, they bundled me up in a blanket and sent us across to delivery. Poor DH apologised to everyone on his way out, and turning to the lady who was opposite is said ' that's not going to do your blood pressure any good is it?'
Looking back it was quite funny
After the docs sewed up my c-section, I piped up with "does everybody know where their watches are?"
I'd like to say it was the drugs talking, but the truth is I have a sick sense of humour.
and was probably channeling House
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