Funniest bit of childbirth

(743 Posts)
rachelhill Fri 12-Jan-07 15:53:53

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

Come on ladies, what memory of childbirth makes you chuckle.

cherubimandseraphim Thu 27-Nov-14 01:01:53

The midwives had quite a chortle at the point when I was bellowing at the top of my voice: "THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THE FUCKING HYPNOBIRTHING VIDEOS" (I, however, was not finding things quite so amusing....)

tahunny Thu 27-Nov-14 00:52:25

Proper laughing at some of these. After being induced for baby 3 at 9am, contractions started mildly around the 3pm mark. Coming strong and fast by midnight. Down to delivery to be told only 3cm. 3fuckin cm ffs. Felt like my insides were escaping apparently through hole size of a pea shooter. Baby came at 5am and dp stayed until 7 where he then announced how tired and exhausted he was after having a baby and was off home for well earned sleep. Me on the other hand was stuck waiting around until 9 to get up to the ward. We sure get the raw deal lmao

HellKitty Fri 21-Nov-14 06:25:29

#1 I was having extremely bad contractions and the MWs decided to put me in the birthing pool. I had to walk past a group of rosy faced expectant mums who were being shown around the health centre. I was screaming GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY like a mad woman. I think about half of them started panicking that second about their labours.

DC3 XH was at home (he's have been next to useless anyway) so it was just me and the MW. She asked if a student doctor could attend as it was his first birth. He sat all evening telling me how amazing and brave I was through teary eyes. He kept on and on. When he nipped out to the loo I begged the MW to tell him to shut the fuck up. She laughed.

MummyPidge Fri 21-Nov-14 06:02:44

Just sat and cackled at a lot of your stories, and as my first post I would like to add my own! Baby was struggling due to meconium causing lack of oxygen for her, and causing my blood pressure to bottom out therefore I was rushed in for an emergency C by a massively panicked team (who went in the wrong entrance to the delivery suite, so I was trapped on the bed with a screaming consultant and anaesthetist who was trying to top up my epidural!) they laid me flat which caused me to puke everywhere, I then almost fell of the table! Anyway, they had propped my head up causing massive pain in my neck, I then started trying to bribe the anaesthetist to give me an epidural in my neck because of the pain, offering money and kisses blush as a reward! Occasionally shouting am I dying, it feels like I'm dying (which, to be fair I was confused, talk about gallows humour!) then asked my best mate the anaesthetist to put in a good word to get me my own room as I didn't want to be without my partner. Then when they told us it was a girl I asked them to check about 4 times as I was sure it was a boy and they had got it wrong! I must have said more (but can't remember for obvious reasons!) as one of the midwives came up to me and said that it was the funniest time she had ever had in c-section! Good to know someone was having fun haha

BendyMum15 Wed 08-Oct-14 03:09:01

During my second labour MWs asked if had any names lined up for baby girl.
DH: We have a list but waiting to choose. We like to see the face (why he chose this way of saying we want to see what she looks like first I'll never know!)
Student MW (with a totally straight face): Cedarface, that's intetesting.
Me: No, he means we haven't decided yet because we want to see what she looks like.

Later the student MW gave us a card thanking us for letting her deliver the baby and as we hadn't settled on the name it was written out to BendyMum, BendyDad and Cedarface!

jellybelly701 Tue 30-Sep-14 10:41:42

When I was 37+6 I told DP that if he didn't get up in the morning for work (annoying alarms) I would tell him my waters had broken. At 4am they actually did break and he didn't believe me until I stood up and almost flooded our bedroom. I waddled straight to the shower with a mirror to erm, de-bush whilst he cleaned the kitchen.

On the day assessment ward and the midwife told me that I was not in bad pain, I almost punched her.

Absolutely off my tits on G&A I was floating around the in the BP, sleeping in between contractions. I hadn't spoke for a good twenty minutes when all of a sudden I lift my head up and say '' oh its just like NCIS you know when Gibbs zzzzzzzzzzzzz''

Whilst pushing DP called me a good girl after a mammoth push, I spent the next five minutes repeating 'jellies a good girl'

During the last ten minutes of pushing I was completely silent before screaming 'it burns' and returning to silence.

As soon as DS was born I asked the midwife if I had done a poo, she said no and I told DP to pay up the five pounds he owes me because I won the bet.

I was just handing the MW back my G&A tube when she told me she was going to put her finger in my bum. I grabbed the tube back and carried on chugging.

LittleMissRayofHope Tue 16-Sep-14 21:54:32

Just realised as well. My DH very nearly missed DS being born. We had been in all night on maternity ward contracting and he went out to get us coffees and pastries as it didn't seem to be happening. He literally walked back into the ward to see me being hauled into a wheelchair and rushed to delivery suite.
They ran me through the hospital, into delivery, delivered baby and our coffees were still warm
We found this surprisingly funny!

LittleMissRayofHope Tue 16-Sep-14 05:33:32

From DD - had diamorphine to speed things along and try to sleep abit (after 50 hours contracting at home to only 3cm!!) and was using G&A with contractions. Started reciting Spider-Man (the film) in great detail to my husband!! And apparently I was Spider-Man in the story!

DS - again, diamorphine and G&A. Decided I was the star from twinkle twinkle. Lay there singing the tune and 'shining' at everyone (no idea but I was certain I was shiny).

Also, crazy thing to have happened:
My midwife who delivered DD also delivered DS!!
She was a 3rd yr student when dd was born and I just loved her. And when we went in to have DS she was a fully qualified midwife - didn't recognise us but that's hardly surprising! But I was just like 'oh my god! You delivered my daughter!!
Maybe not funny but definitely cool!

Roobix04 Sun 17-Aug-14 18:09:26

Pmsl at some of these!
My dd was born in April and when she was put on my stomach right after the birth the first thing I said was "She looks like an angry gnome!" bless her heart lol.
Also when my mum was in labour with her dd3 (my little sister) the midwives were watching Supermarket Sweep in her room. So Dale Winton was probably the first thing my sister saw!

awsomer Fri 15-Aug-14 00:03:41

I love this thread. I've just read it all in one go.
It's funny to think of how old everyone's babies are now, it was years ago when this thread was started and long may it continue!

mrspremise Tue 12-Aug-14 22:36:27

When a dozen workmen in bright orange high-vis jackets walked past the window just as a contraction came to an end blush

Teddybeau1988 Tue 12-Aug-14 09:03:39

With DS we got 'evicted' off the antinatal ward during an induction. After 12hours of strong contractions back to back, it got to 4am and the screaming and swearing got too much for the other ladies on the ward. Despite being 0cms and not even in labour, they bundled me up in a blanket and sent us across to delivery. Poor DH apologised to everyone on his way out, and turning to the lady who was opposite is said ' that's not going to do your blood pressure any good is it?'

Looking back it was quite funny

PedantMarina Fri 08-Aug-14 15:09:52

After the docs sewed up my c-section, I piped up with "does everybody know where their watches are?"

I'd like to say it was the drugs talking, but the truth is I have a sick sense of humour. and was probably channeling House

ToriaPumpkin Fri 08-Aug-14 14:57:00

I've come back to this thread now DC2 has been born.

This was my second induction and it didn't go entirely to plan - too fast, too slow, not responding to drugs etc etc.

After 8 hours they decided to break my waters as the morphine I'd begged for combined with the drug they gave me to slow my hyper-contracting had led to everything slowing down enough that I could hold conversations. In walks a lovely Nigerian registrar who makes a joke about not being able to swim. In my drug induced haze I told him how funny, I've a friend from Lagos and he can't swim either! Fortunately lovely Dr was lovely and didn't get offended.

I did enjoy the moment DH walked into the room having been called in at 5am and asked me 'how are you?' upon getting no response as I was busy with the entonox he asked 'is it sore?'

I insisted that every time I stopped pushing I could feel the baby going all the way back up.

As I hit transistion like a train DH and the MW were having a nice chat about a mutual friend. I just about managed to splutter out 'I really think the baby's coming now' before my 16min second stage began in earnest.

CallieG Wed 25-Jun-14 11:10:35

During my 2nd child's birth the midwife said she saw the head crowning, and told me to push really hard on my next contraction, well my daughters head was not crowning she was hung up on the umbilical cord like a sling , it was not around her neck it came up from her belly in front of one shoulder, went over the back of her neck and then down under her armpit , not aware of this I pushed really Really hard, the baby came as far as possible then stopped but the bag of waters got pushed past her, I have one more mighty heave and the bag of waters EXPLODED shock all over the midwife, the nurse and the wall behind them, my husband gasped in horror, the nurse just stood there with all this muck dripping off her confused and the midwife, a veteran trooper, she dove in unhooked the baby and delivered the shoulders, I was heaving, pushing and laughing so much I actually did shit myself. blush

Flowerfae Mon 09-Jun-14 22:39:16

Just finished reading all of these.. they are brilliant smile

DS1... I can't really remember anything apart from the midwives thought he was stuck so went to prepare for forceps, the minute they had walked across the room he shot out across the bed. I remember looking down and thinking 'oh my god... there's a baby there... where did that come from?'

DD... I had asked for an epidural and the anaesthetist and midwife were trying to do it (it was unsuccessful in the end due to my weird back) but I could hear them talking and one of them said '... its actually the first time i've done one of these' I said to DH (I thought i had whispered but apparently not) 'omg.... which one said that?' ( I later felt awful because it sounded really rude). Luckily it was the midwife who said it... not the anaesthetist..... DH said anaesthetist was chuckling... midwife wasn't (think she had her sense of humour surgically removed actually) ... Oh and as soon as I had DD... she stuck a dish under my face with the placenta in and said 'want to have a look?' I threw up smile

DS2 ... midwife suggested I use a birthing ball... as I hadn't used one before... I sat down on it and it flew out from between my legs and I ended up falling backwards onto the floor... DH couldn't help me up straight away because he was laughing too much (git also sat eating a chip butty..... I did managed to steal a few when the midwife went out of the room though).

soapybubbles123 Thu 29-May-14 21:03:30

Marching out of the house to the ambulance in bare feet.

After taking the first gulp on G&A at home and sinking to the floor in relief (DS was back to back and arriving v quickly), the paramedic saying 'Are you sure you can't get in the car, you'll be hours yet'. Turns out I was in transition and had DS 30 minutes later.

Being off my face on G&A, realising the midwife was called Ursula and having to fight the urge to tell her that she was a sea witch (a la The Little Mermaid).

Arriving on delivery to be told DS was most of the way out and saying 'Let's get on with it then'(I was booked for an ELCS but DS had other ideas).

Sendintheshiraz Mon 26-May-14 20:17:57

Me to DH: "get this f***ing thames machine off of me, it's shit


gabywatson Sun 25-May-14 16:27:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Odaat Sun 23-Mar-14 16:12:55

I remember having the pessary in as part of being induced. All was fine one min, then all of a sudden wham! Incessant and excruciating contractions started - every two minutes ! Relentless agony... By the fourth or fifth one I had ripped all the monitor stuff off of me and ran to the toilet as i seriously thought I was going to vomit/piss/shit myself in pain! Awful! (But rather funny in hindsight )

DishesToDoButCuppaFirst Sun 16-Mar-14 08:36:40

I was going into labour at home with DS and had the show coming out into my knickers. Tried to get to the loo but our cat came in with a HUGE dead rat, first and only time, and laid it at my feet so I ended up holding the rat by the tail with one hand and my big contracting belly with the other and throwing the rat out of the front door. Maybe the cat was trying to help? confused

DP had made a quick trip out to the supermarket while this was happening. He was away for what seemed like ages and when he arrived back had bought a magazine for what he thought would be the long slow boring haul ahead. Ended up being a full on intense labour with no reading opportunities for the next ten or so hours smile I shat myself unashamedly in the pool in front of birth partners, DP and the MW, no one seemed too worried and I was past caring. I cared the next day when an uncle whom I rarely see insisted on visiting and copped a lovely eyeful of bloody, pooey pool water in the lounge cos we hadn't had a chance to take it down blush

During labour DS got stuck and no amount of bone crushing pushes from me would shift him. Transfer to hospital... The ambulance arrives at our house and two ambulance guys are in the lounge, standing around taking their time, introducing themselves to me, while I'm hunched groaning and heaving on the floor. I thought I don't give a shit what your names are get me in the fucking ambulance! But evidently didn't say it out loud... smile

Our neighbour thought his flatmate was having loud crazy sex that night but it was me being half carried groaning and neighing down our driveway to the ambulance blush

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:48:01

Oh, I also had an epidural and decided I needed a poo. My mum and DH left to give me some privacy and the midwife put me on a bedpan, but I just couldn't poo lying down. I knew I had to sit up but the midwife wouldn't let me so I asked her if she would warm up my heat-pack. She left, leaving me by myself, and I promptly heaved myself off the bed to go to the toilet. Another midwife came in while I was standing up and asked me if I was okay, and I told her that I really had to go to the toilet. Fine, she said, on you go. I was really confused at this point and asked her how to unplug my epidural and the look of shock on her face when she realised that I'd had an epidural and was standing up asking to go to the toilet was brilliant grin she panicked and called in two other midwives, totally convinced I was about to collapse at any moment. I didn't but it was brilliant grin

DaleyBump Fri 31-Jan-14 14:33:55

I was having incredibly intense contractions when the mw asked to examine me and break my waters. Took my leggings off and heaved myself up on the table for the mw and consultant to burst out laughing. I had no idea what they were laughing at until the mw said "we've not perfected keyhole surgery through pants yet!" blush

MrsBright Wed 29-Jan-14 12:07:11

Walking dreamily through the nursery and looking for my wee one in her little crib (she'd been put in there while I had a shower and an important chat with a consultant), I stroked a little head and said 'hallo sweetpea' and went to pick her up.

'Your baby is over here Mrs Bright....'

Well, they all look the same don't they?

joannah87 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:01:16

In the hazy half an hour post delivery when the midwife attached her mining headlamp, got out a needle and thread and disappeared between my legs. That was surreal!!!

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