does anyone predict a happy ending or am i deluding myself??...

[cath28]

just wondered if people were in / knew folk in a similar situation to mine. my dd is almost 4 and i'm pregnant again with a second baby due in march... when my dd was just 2 i got together with a new partner who literally became the love of my life, he treated me better than anyone ever has and i truly believed he was my soulmate.. we talked about having children together in the future but the pregnancy was not exactly planned, just kind of happened, not intentional on my part certainly.. in fact i was quite annoyed with us both but i didn't feel negative about it.. however it was clear early on that he was freaked out by the whole thing, we went round in circles for a few weeks with him slipping out of contact then re-appearing and eventually he disappeared abroad without so much as speaking to me or telling me where he was going. he didn't know at the time whether i was keeping the baby or not - i was 8 weeks pregnant.

now i'm at 18 weeks and in the intervening time ive been a complete mess tho pulled myself together a lot in past few weeks coz i mean you've just got to get on with it haven't you? he's been emailing me, asking what is happening, also saying over and over how sorry he is, and how much he loves me, and what a mess his head is in etc.. he kept saying he hoped i hadn't had an abortion as he wanted the chance to reconcile but he knew we couldn't be together right now etc... i put off telling him i was keeping the baby because i wanted to give the whole thing some space and also wanted a proper explanation from him about the sudden departure - which never came. in the end i sent an email a few days ago just outlining the facts, the scans, the due date etc. but kept it all quite light.

i haven't heard from him for over 2 weeks however and i haven't heard from him since i emailed him about the baby. i'm kind of torn between being extremely angry with him -keeps coming and going- and actually feeling worried whether he is ok because i think he really lost it, and i have no idea if he is ok or not, or where he is, obviously - literally he could be anywhere in the world. i know that in his own time he'll get in touch and tell me more and obviously if he wants to be involved with me and the baby and my daughter (who he's treated appallingly) he'll get in contact, if he's reading the emails, that is..

i've got his mother's phone number but have held off using it as we do not get on at all and i think it would quickly descend into her insulting me and refusing to give me any info. it would be awful so i only want to call her as a last resort. it's just hugely frustrating as the only thing i have is this one email address and that's it.

did anyone's partner leave in their pregnancy and then come back? does anyone know of people in similar situations? i genuinely think he left because of fear and an inability to cope on his behalf rather than because he doesn't love me or doesn't want the baby - but not sure where that leaves me. i'm finding it really, really hard to move on in my head - and finding the pregnancy quite tough now too while managing my dd.

any thoughts / advice welcome. sorry to go on so much but i had to let off steam today!!

[cath28]

by the way i don't mean he ever mistreated my daughter as such - he was wonderful with her actually - just that he never said goodbye to her, the last thing he ever said to her was 'see you tomorrow' !!

[gothicmama]

I think you need to be strong for you and teh dc's if he comes back let it be on your terms. you need to build a life for you and teh kids without and if he comes back it is abonus if you are really worried about him 'phone his mum and jsut tell her you are concerned about him

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[FreakyFloss]

I think you need to get out of this relationship now. He is treating you appallingly and as others have said you have to think of the daughter you already have let alone the baby due to arrive in a few months time. This is not the way a grown man should be behaving and no matter how much you loved him you should not stand to be treated this way. I can't quite believe you are so apparently calm and matter of fact about it. Don't ring his mother - mainly because he does not deserve another chance. I know this is all very easy for me to say, not being in your circs but I am & that you are standind for this. I hope things work out for you for the best.

[Nuza]

Hate to say it and am certainly no relationship expert - but think you've got to be strong for your daughter and baby. Take care of the 2 of you and put your energies into making the most of the time before the baby is born. My experience is when he does reappear things may be better for a short period but any change in circumstances will only send him running again - definitely not what you need.

[Changedforthispost]

Hi

I've changed my name for this post as it's not something I discuss on MN but I felt I had to share my experience with you.

My dh and I planned my pregnancy and we were very happy. At the end of my 2nd trimester dh began to have relationship difficulties with his eldest dd from a previous relationship.

Along with business issues this caused him to have a mental breakdown.

He went out one afternoon last September and didn't return til 3 days before our dd was born. He was in Europe but I didn't know this till aftwerwards. He texted and emailed when he felt like. Always professed his undying love for me but had to be on his own.

He did return in time for dd's birth and stayed for 3.5 weeks afterwards. He then went awol again until Xmas altho he stayed local-ish.

He went to live with his parents at Xmas and was diagnosed with depression and put on meds and therapy.

At the end of July he moved back home with us and things have been great. He comitted to us and found a job and seemed recovered.

He left again on Monday while I was at work. Again the trigger appears to be his elder child's issues with him as a parent.

Again I don't know where he is or when/if he will return. Indeed I don't even know if he will return. The theme is again that he wants to be on his own.

I don't think our relationship can survive this happening 3 times. I don't know that I can forgive him for his repeated abandonment and more so for letting our dd down. She keeps going into the hall and looking for him at the door.

I hesitate to offer advice but I wanted to share my experience with you.

You know in your heart how you want to handle this and I believe you must follow your heart. Try to do this without upset to your dc but until you're at the end of the road you will want to remain in contact with him.

You'll know when you're at the end of that road and ready to move on.

Either way, don't beat yourself up for whatever you choose to do. Especially if you choose to continue to contact your baby's father. Just don't get too devestated when you don't hear back from him.

Sorry this has gone on a bit!

Good luck, I really hope things work out for you.

[cath28]

thank you all for your comments i guess i need to hear the views of other single mums on this one, it really does help! i'm neither calm nor matter of fact really FreakyFloss, well i guess i am much more calmer now I suppose, but only after feeling suicidal for a number of weeks, i mean i went through complete hell when he left in august much worse than anything i've ever experienced.. i guess now i can see it all with some perspective but only because i am having to cope alone so having to be quite matter of fact, if you can call it that.. i do love him so much and he's this baby's father, that's what makes it hard. but thanx so much for your comments HappyMumof2 you're right about going with the head not the heart, and i certainly am putting everything into my dd right now as when the baby comes she'll get much less attention. Nuza i agree about things being better for a short period etc.. i'm really worried about the danger of that one - i feel quite vulnerable to my emotions were he to come back, whereas without him i can be stronger.. well anyway thanx again for your thoughts any others most welcome (including any on the other side of the fence lol)

[cath28]

just posted that before i read your post ChangedForThisPost. wow thank you so much for confiding like that - it means a huge amount - it really does help to hear of someone else in a similar situation, as in how it feels when your partner simply disappears and you have nfi where they might be. i don't think people can understand how that feels until (god forbid) it happens to them.

poor you for it to happen 3 times, you must be having to call on all your inner resources to cope with it, and i see what you are saying/implying about the parallels with my own situation. it may be a long road ahead i can see that. it is so hard because when you love someone and they are depressed (as i'm sure my bloke it) you don't just want to give up on them however horrendously they are acting, but you're right there comes a point when in the end you probably do... but you are right at guessing that i don't think i'm there yet

protecting the dc is paramount and i've got quite good at doing that over the years, with the split with my dd's father etc. i'm going to have to be very strong.

good luck to you, i can't really imagine what you're going through, in a sense i can though. thanks again for posting, it REALLY helped me. x

[cath28]

if you don't mind me asking, have you got any advice for how to deal with things as it gets nearer to the birth ie. the lack of contact, if it goes on? i mean, did you just assume he knew the due date and leave it, or did you keep on emailing him; did you ask him to come back for the birth or did you leave it to him? sorry, don't feel you have to answer, just that these things all lie ahead of me...

[Judy1234]

It doesn't sound very good. You might want to keep a track of where he is to enforce some maintenance against him in due course etc.
Getting in touch with his mother might annoy him if you think there's a chance he might come back. If he did really really love you a baby wouldn't spoil it. You would expect he would have stayed. May be just trying keeping in touch, offer to visit him, be nice, send him pictures regularly when its born etc.

[Changedforthispost]

hi cath28
glad my post has helped and i certainly know what you mean about appearing calm and collected lol.
i read my post back and it sounds almost clinical.
i fell apart when he first left but this time am falling apart less ifyswim. having dd is really helping me to stay strong.
still find myself filling up with tears on the bus tho on occasion.
it's dreadful having nfi where they are.
but anyway, at first (and second) i put all my energy into learning about depression and defending his actions to family and friends.
i truly believed if i loved him enough and was understanding enough he would return.
i was in denial about the birth and the most i actually organised was a vague plan for my sister to come to the UK from o/s for the birth.
both myself and his mother pleaded with him not to miss the birth. constantly LOL.
i was due to be induced at 38 weeks so dh knew that.
however, i had a tiny show (i think!) and emailed him. he then began a 6 day journey to come back - unbeknowns to me he was so far away.
he wasn't recovered or well enough tho and was purely trying to do "the right thing".
i was really lucky that he came back for the birth as it was my first and i don't think i could've forgiven him for missing it.
since then he's missed xmas, new year, easter and is about to miss dd's first birthday.
i'm not sure i can forgive that but i am already finding myself trotting out the same old phrases about his "being ill" and "not in control" etc.
the best advice i have had so far is to just deal with the things i have control over. it's difficult advice to follow as it's so frustrating not to have control over his behaviour.
but now that i have started to do that i have found things are a bit easier.
so i am continueing with plans etc that we had made together. and i am just getting thru each day with a view to the next.
but i am still desperately sad that this man who i love and who professes to love me is so ill and screwed up that he cannot be with his family.
i am also very angry with him for leaving me to cope alone again. for robbing me of some of the joy of my pregnancy and for affecting my entire first year with dd.
and ultimately i have my moments when i am utterly sorry for myself and feel like having a proper stampy foot moment and b*ggering off myself!

I have a DH who does a better impression of Brigitte Bardot "I Vant to Be Alone"!! than the original woman LOL.

sorry but the floodgates appear to have opened!

CAT me if you'd like to chat "offline".

i can't stress enought that whatever you choose to do at whatever time it's not necessarily a wrong or right decision.

you are obviously a strong and capable woman and i am sure your dc are very well protected by you.

i just hope that in some way in the future you will get to the rainbow at the end of this road. and hopefully i'll be there too one fine day!

champagne is on ice, not sure what for but it's always best to be prepared.

[gillybabys]

i went through exactly same thing , he left when i was 3 months pregnant and didnt come back. But 2 and half years on, ive never been happier, and my dd hasnt missed out

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[hoolagirl]

Oh Cath, it really sounds as if he's too immature or selfish to cope with this, sorry if thats horrid.
I found out I was preggy 2 weeks after I split from exp. He kept in touch via email for around a month after finding out i was preg varying from nasty to asking how I was.
The last email was me asking him whether he wanted to know when my ds was born. No response!
He found out when the CSA got in touch though

[cath28]

thanks everyone for all your posts and thoughts.... yes he knows when the baby is due, well he knows it's march, doesn't know the actual due date.. but only as of 3 days ago, up till then i hadn't emailed with that info as i was waiting to see what kind of explanation i might get from him...

to be honest i'm just so fed up tonight, have been really emotional today, hormones all over the place, and just feel so sorry for myself i guess that i've been denied the happiness that he promised me and that i truly thought we would always have together. he has completely gutted my world and i feel like an empty shell. i was walking round town today and everything just seemed pointless; i get scared when i feel like that because i have to stay strong for the kids but it is just so hard on days like today...

it feels like the rest of the world is happy and i'm walking round under a huge grey rain cloud, anyone know that feeling?!

he was everything to me and it feels like my world has just fallen apart.

my dd keeps making me smile tho, she puts her face to my tummy and shouts 'can you hear me in there little brother?!' and keeps on talking about 'when our baby comes' etc.. it does help; the burden of looking after other people is also the greatest joy; i don't know where i would be without my daughter at the moment, probably in a lot worse of a state actually. she keeps me grounded.

i keep on thinking, what if something terrible has happened to him? it is more the not knowing. sometimes i think i'd almost rather he had died, then at least i would know that our happiness had been real, and i would have something concrete to mourn.. does that sound screwed up?

hoolagirl your post did make me giggle . i'm hoping it won't come to the CSA revealing his whereabouts to me but hey it might.. seeing as he's got no money anyway i'd debate the point of chasing him tho lol..

it is nice to know that MN is here and that there are people out there who feel some empathy.

[cath28]

Changedforthispost how are you doin today?

[fizzo]

Oh cath what a horrible situation, I'm so sorry hon and wish I could give you some great pearls of wisdom, but I cant.

The main thing is YOU though, and your dd and the one on the way. You have to take care of yourself, as the only person you can rely on is you.

You and your kids need someone reliable, who is there for you and treats you with the respect and gives you the commitment you deserve. Is this your man??

I think the fact you have his mothers no is probably playing on your mind till you call her and see, if she wont tell you just hang up and ignore her.

thinking of you

[cath28]

thanx fizzo for your post and yes i'm trying to focus on me and the children; but how do you stop yourself loving someone? my dd's father was a complete f*** to me to my face, used to be quite abusive, and by the time we split i was so glad to see the back of him after almost 3 years that i held the door open for him to leave!!! this situation is totally different. we were so happy. it was all so sudden. i keep thinking, 'why?'. i know that he seems immature and selfish by this behaviour as hoolagirl correctly judges ! but that doesn't stop me loving him and also it doesn't explain his actions to me - we were really perfect together - i just keep going over and over it, was it something i did, was it something i could have changed??

having a bad day today hopefully tomorrow will be better!!!

[cath28]

i've decided to wait till after the anomaly scan at 21 weeks - which is in a fortnight or something - then email him some photos of the scan - if i've heard nothing by about a month's time i'll call his mum then and just be very cold with her.. there has to come a point when i stop checking my email every day and getting upset because it's doing me no good whatsoever.. in other aspects i'm doing quite well, organising a house move, sorting out pregnancy yoga, coping with dd's tantrums etc.. it's the thinking of him and focusing on him which brings me as low as i have got today..

going out tomorrow nite for once, for a friend's 30th, so at least i'll get out of the house lol

[fizzo]

If you find a way of stopping loving someone, please please let me know, If only there was a pill for that, would solve alot of problems!

I'll probably get shot for saying this but if it is out of character, then maybe there is something going on with him, I had in my head he was a bit of a shit sorry, phone his mum, find out, he may not be checking his mails, you need to know, but go out for your friends birthday and have a damn good night, you deserve it.

xx

[Fluffybubble]

I know the rain-cloud feeling! Find that it usually worsens at wrong time of month, so you must feel up and down permanently at the moment!

It is lovely that you have your dd to keep you going. The trouble is that as much as you love them, and they keep you occupied in the day, it is so lonely at other times. It is so hard to be left in your position, and I think that you need to give yourself room to feel sorry for yourself, sometimes life is just not fair!!

Imo you deserve much better than this, as does your dd, as she obviously cares for your dp. In this regard, I would find it hard to accept his behaviour, but I can understand that this does not stop you loving him... (my ex has behaved appallingly, and it is only very recently that I have begun to feel less hurt and more distanced, & that has taken 18 months!)

The advice that helped me most was to take one day at a time. You just don't know what is round the corner, good or bad and you cannot control someone else's actions. I really think that he is being very unfair, and sending mixed messages. You just don't need this, and I think that if you can take one day at a time, putting you and your dc first, then you will find it easier. If you try to anticipate the next few weeks and months you will drive yourself bonkers.

As fizzo said, maybe you need to exhaust all sources of information, as it must be so hard to live without knowing what is going on. The only thing is that you have to be prepared (as much as you can be) that you may not like the answers...

Take care & good luck .

[cath28]

thanx 4 your support Fizzo and Fluffybubble..

the trouble with calling his mum is that she is a horrible woman and we really, really don't get on (for example she told me i was a stuck up b just coz i've been to university?!) she never wanted it to work out between us so she is likely to tell me nothing or even worse, to lie to me, or manipulate me into believing something not really true. she is good at spin. so really, i've decided calling her has got to be a last resort..

what he did by leaving was out of character in a way Fizzo in that he really did/does love me, but it wasn't out of character in that he never really seemed to be the most reliable of people, i mean, there were quite a few things that didn't add up, that now i'm thinking probably mean he wasn't telling me the whole truth about things..

i just want to get to the truth but i don't know how to get to it. i just hope he is ok and that he does email back.

i'm furious Fluffybubble on my daughter's behalf; it was outrageous how he treated her and how little he seemed to see that he had any responsibility for her, even tho he'd been a stepfather for 2 years to her. unbelievable. in none of the emails has he even mentioned her!!

i guess i just need to let some time go by. i don't think he is actually stupid or brave enough to top himself; so i'm sure he will surface again. when he does, i'll hopefully learn a bit more. think it's going to be a slow process.

hope you all have a good weekend; i'll be back on sat or sun

xx

[cath28]

Changedforthispost i did try to CAT you but was told your identity didn't exist, presumably as you'd changed it for this post?? CAT me if you like!!

[Fluffybubble]

That's the way to look at it, he will in all likelihood surface again, probably when you have just got your head around all of this!

If you can, just put yourself and dd & dbaby(!) first, completely indulge yourself with things you enjoy & make sure you get as much support as you can from anyone who offers it!

You really need to be with someone you can rely on, and until your dp can offer you this (if he is able to offer this??) I think that you have to be completely selfish and only think of yourself and dc!

Take care.

[cath28]

so i went off to the train station with luggage and dd in tow, i was going to drop her off at paddington when we got to london, with her dad, and then go on to this party.. we got to the station and she ran off.. i was shouting her to come back and not looking where i was going and this suitcase was sticking out and i fell flat on my face. or rather my tummy. i didn't fall too hard but kind of awkwardly, as you do when holding bags and stuff. it was a complete shock. next thing i know, my dd is there saying 'mummy are you ok?' and this lady is apologising for her suitcase blocking the path.. i somehow get up to sit down and then just get all dizzy and stuff, so i call my xp1 (my dd's dad) and he is just really unsympathetic saying 'well just get on the train i'm sure it'll be fine' etc, so then i call the midwife and she says go straight to a&e..

eventually they listened to the baby's heartbeat and it was absolutely fine, 145 beats a minute, and they gave me a shot of anti-D in case i had any slight bleed inside.. got to go back for a scan next week..

we were there for literally about 4 hours, all the time my dd was so brave, she was so upset about not havin her exciting train ride and seeing her dad but she kept asking about the baby and was as relieved as me when we heard the heartbeat. i was so proud of her.

all such a shock to the system. i was gutted to miss my best mate's 30th birthday party but some things are more important. all i could think of was my dc, and if they were ok, specially if the baby was ok; it certainly pointed out my priorities to me if not in an ideal way... back home now and absolutely shattered...