Really feel like ending it all

[PurpleOne]

Endless depression for years.
SS aren't interested in my DDs behaviour.
Exh says he cant afford it, but he's loaded.

I've lost my job. DD1 bday on Sat. Have had hell to pay cos I havent bought her the joacket she wanted.

Beleive me when I say theres absolutely no one in RL thats here.

Family? What a joke. They disowned me 2 years ago. They sent a card for DD1 bday....out fell a lovely family photo of them all, people that my dad disowned years ago and I haven't seen for years, My kids have never met them. I don't know where they live.

I wish there was something in RL I could confide in, but theres nothing here for me. NOTHING. No family.
Exh kicked off at me cos DDs were conversing with their (exhs side) cousins and that I have to keep them (DDs) off of Facebook.

FFS I cant even cry in peace without DD1 coming in here and kicking off about her birthday. This wont pass. It's been here for months.
The loneliness is crushing, I call it my veil of darkness. I can get out to the park or to swimming for something to do, the veil lifts up a little while so I can see daylight....but then it comes back down again.

I am alcoholic too. All I do is drink and sleep. I get up and do stuff in the day, but it dont mean that I talk to people.
All I live for is my kids, who treat me with such disrespect.
I dont deserve this.

[Disenchanted3]

Purple,

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Your DD is being difficult yes, how old is she?

[CandleQueen]

Get yourself to the GP ASAP.
You need help and support, and they are out there for you, you need to ask.
Please don't do anything regrettable. DD1 may be a pain in the arse now, but imagine what she'd be like as a child whose Mum "ended it all".

[MintyyAeroEgg]

Purple: I urge you to call The Samaritans. I doubt anyone here on Mumsnet is qualified to help you in the way you want to be helped and, even if they are, they cannot use this public forum to counsel you.

The Samaritans are really fantastic. You can arrange to go in and meet someone face to face, as well as talking on the phone.

Tonight they will speak to you for as long as you wish ...

Please make the effort and do it

[gemmiegoatlegs]

things sound shite, but it would be so much worse if you weren't around. Your dds will grow up and be adults and (eventually) realize how much you have done for them. If you feel crap, your kids are picking up on this too. You deserve to feel better about yourself and your life. If you have no RL support, yoou can see your doctor, even if it is just to get it all off your chest.

There are all manner of support groups for people in similar situations.

And we are always here.

[CandleQueen]

Samaritans website

08457 90 90 90

[gemmieporklegs]

pleasecome back Purple and let us know you are ok

[seriouscase]

So sorry things are bad Purple One.
Please listen to the good advice given already. Speak to someone, anyone.

[scottishmummy]

boyyou do have a lot on your plate.do you have a CPN or CMHT?call out of hours Gp.
A&E have psych liasion staff,could you go to A&E.

do try get seen by someone eg GP/hospital

dont suffer alone.get some help

[PurpleOne]

You know, I love mumsnet. its been absolutely fabulous for me, and the reams of support that came my way at xmas and just stuff that plops thru my door.
But I dont know any of them.

I went to my gp 2 weeks ago, no script for ad's as it contradicts with the alcohol.
My DDs are 14 (on sat) and 11

I've been feeling this way for months, but the only thing stopping me is the guilt cos I've tried it before in a DV relationship and nearly left my kids without a mother.

Suicide reqally doesnt hurt, it's the first step towards that that cuts like a knife....

[scottishmummy]

listen take this minute by minute,hour by hour.but do get some support

nighty night

hope your morning is better than now

[seriouscase]

Suicide DOES hurt, it will hurt your DDs forever. Please get help and hold on to that guilt to think of another way to get through this.

[SuperBunny]

PurpleOne, I don't know what to say. I have been where you are. I am still here and, for the most part, am glad. I know that doesn't help you but it can get better. I know it doesn't seem like it.

There are lots of people on here who value you. Do none of those people live nearby?

[PurpleOne]

Nope none of them, One of them said she would come to court with me last year, but she never showed.

In some ways Im glad I didnt back then, I feel so guilty for feeling this way cos my kids are all I have left to live for.

I had some senior social worker in my home last year and told me they could take me kids away cos I was enibratied. And my house was dangerous with piles of washing dotted all over the place LMAO.
As soon as they told me they would discharge me, my ex has kicked off and said my house is dirty, my kids are unkempt and I'm a shit mum.

I'm going to make the call now, If I dont come back, I will post in the morning.
Thats all thats left....DAYLIGHT

[SuperBunny]

Please do post again, Purple. We'll all worry if you don't.

Ex's can be awful - I am in the midst of a really messy custody battle. There have been times when it just didn't feel worth fighting anymore. But, I think it is. And you have to fight too. Whatever you think, your DC need you.

Take Care.

[CandleQueen]

Take care of yourself Purple.
I'll be praying for you tonight.
Stay strong.

[lucylue]

forget about support from ex or your family purpleone.
only you can do it, and when you do it you will see everything will be so nice with your wonderful dds around.
i dont know anything about alcohol but i wish you were able to take ads, they can do wonders.
please dont give up.
lots of hugs.

[PurpleOne]

sometimes it is nice, lucylue, it really is.
we can have a great laugh sometimes.

there is no respect from my dds, my family, my exh, no matter what i say or ask of them.

ive even asked my family ss worker, shes just a spit of a kid whose just out of uni. sorry to say. nice girl.
but te other person she comes with is very domineeering, over powering and tried to tell me what to do. and I dont like her.
both of them followed me down the street to make sure i went to my alcohol appt.

cider is still going strong. i rang the samaritans. what a crock of old bollocks.
the sam counsellor told me to make peace wit my parents. I dont think so!

I'm off for the night right now. Really not feeling well.

And yes, my exh is a turdwhacker. Hes remarried anyways...so he dont care either.

[seriouscase]

PurpleOne, just checking in to see if you are about. Hope you are okay.

[SuperBunny]

Morning, PO. How are you today?

[PurpleOne]

I've been in bed all day sleeping and watching telly.
Still not feeling any better though - think I may take a wander down the docs and see if I can get an appt.

[SuperBunny]

Good idea