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Mental health

Any addicts out there tonight? I am struggling...

61 replies

naswm · 01/04/2009 00:11

...desperate to get drunk, or harm, or take pills, or binge

Am so awake, but need to be asleep

Anyone know what this is like and can talk me out of it?

I've been on MN for 2 hrs distracting myself but it's not taken away the urges

TIA

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iSOLOvechocolate · 01/04/2009 01:14

I can't help and hopefully you have got past this and are now asleep.
Try to be strong.

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MIFLAW · 01/04/2009 10:32

Hope you got through the night okay and that things seem better today.

Do you have a copy of the book "Living sober" published by AA? Full of useful practical tips for getting through the early days.

Otherwise, remember, a lack of sleep won't kill you but, if you're an addict, drink and drugs will.

If all else fails, keep it in the day and get pissed (etc) tomorrow! If you wake up next day and things still seem as bad, well, you have that option - but, for today, stay away from it. Then, assuming things do feel different in the morning - and they always do if you let them - you can repeat the same trick!

How long have you been sober/clean and are you getting any sort of help with it?

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naswm · 01/04/2009 20:07

Thanks for your posts. I managed to talk myself round last night and went to bed and read for a couple of hours until my eyes literally closed on their own. But I didnt give in.

MIFLAW - I cant tell from the language you use that you know what I am talking about. I am no longer in recovery, alas. I relapsed after about 4 months of abstinence from drink. And SH was less than that. In fact, since my major detox/breakdown - call it what you will in 2007 - I have not really been clean of all my addicitons for longer than a couple of months, alas. I keep trying though and wake up every day thinking 'just for today.' Alas, tonight I am drinking, and hate myself for that. Although my therapist tells me to have more compassion with myself. Oh, and yes, I have the book, by my bedside (of course) but I havent opened it for a while, so I will do, thanks for reminding me. Have we 'met' on mn before btw?

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naswm · 01/04/2009 20:08

I can tell, not cant

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Gillyan · 01/04/2009 20:40

Try and fight the urge, good luck x

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naswm · 01/04/2009 23:18

Thans Gillyan. Unfortunately, I didnt manage it tonight. But now that I am drunk, the other urges are less strong. So I feel 'safe' from that point of view. But that is typical of me - pick up one thing when I put another down

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iSOLOvechocolate · 01/04/2009 23:29

It must be very difficult for you, but don't be too hard on yourself. Is counselling the only rl help you are getting?

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naswm · 01/04/2009 23:32

I do find it diffictult SOLO but I know I also need to fight the urges. Because that is the only way for me to survive. I am in almost weekly psychotherapy, and yes, that is the only support. I am not in any other groups atm (long stopped AA etc ) and my relationship with dh is so wooden that my 'problems' are teh elephant in teh room, and from his point of view, providing I am alive and looking after the children and not cuasing him any difficulties, he doenst want to know.

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iSOLOvechocolate · 01/04/2009 23:47

You keep those boxing gloves well and truly ON naswm. You keep fighting, don't let it win. Could you get yourself back into AA? at very least you can have some kind of support from that angle from people that know. How terrible for you that of all the people that should be there supporting you, your Dh is not. How long have you been with him and how long have you been an addict SH er? If you don't want to answer, please just tell me.

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MIFLAW · 01/04/2009 23:51

naswm, we may have met but I don't recognise the name ... I used to be manifeellikeawoman but everyone called me MIFLAW anyway and I got bored of typing all the letters in!

If you are a friend of Bill W (do they say that in the other orgs) you will know what I am going to say, but here goes:

as long as it doesn't kill you, you have another shot at getting well - keep coming back! You fucked up today? Big deal. Tomorrow can be different if you let it. You don't have to keep doing this just because you've done it in the past.
meetings will save your life - get to one asap
do open the book - but the thin yellow one rather than the big blue one. Keep it very practical until you get a couple of days' worth of clear headedness under your belt. Do the practical things that will help you get there.
phone and text people you trust, inside or outside whichever "after school club" (as my partner calls it) you belong to. Isolation is your worst enemy apart from the substances themselves. Ditto mumsnet - stay on and keep talking!

BTW never seen the abbreviation SH - what does it mean?

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MIFLAW · 01/04/2009 23:53

Just worked it out - self harm?

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iSOLOvechocolate · 01/04/2009 23:59

Yes, self harm MIFLAW.

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naswm · 02/04/2009 00:48

Sorry am verydrunk and now the mental tortue starts. Wiill ll read and digst tomorrow. Sorry everyone

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iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 01:05

Try to sleep sweetie...take care.x

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SuperBunny · 02/04/2009 01:12

Only just seen this

Sorry.

xxx

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blinks · 02/04/2009 01:14

naswm.

hopefully soon you will reach your bottom and dig your way out of this. to do this properly you must ask for and accept help. the kind of help that can properly support you through this is available but it's up to you to reach out for it.

AA/NA would be worth checking out again so that during crisis moments, you can call on a sponsor/coach to talk you through it. it is not the job of your husband/friend/family member to sort this out. your relationship with them will be stunted while you're an active addict.

you need to be 100% honest with your family and more importantly yourself about not being able to control your relationship with substances. are you able to go to rehab?

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Gillyan · 02/04/2009 09:57

Today is a new day try and take it one day at a time or an hour at a time even.

i don't have any experience of this but really feel for you.

You really should try and get someone you can ring up in a n emergency, have you spoke to a health care proffesional? xx

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naswm · 02/04/2009 10:42


Sorry everyone. Last night is exactly why I left MN - last time and the time before and the time before that - because when I get too 'comfortable' here I show my real self and make a complete fool of myself.

Thank you for all the constructive and supportive posts. I have the most amount of professional support that is available to me, which isnt much, but all I have been able to secure. Believe me, I have spent years making sure that no stone is left unturned. The difficulty with cross addiction is that one provision wont take you on because of the other problems, ie the alcohol team wont accept me because of my SH and ED probs. And the SH/ED specialists wont take me on because of my alcohol abuse. I also have an unusal and complex mental health diagnosis for which the NHS (or indeed the private sector) do not offer widely available treatment.

I do however have a psychotherapist (who I have to pay for privately alas) and she is my hope of any sort of long term recovery. I have been workin with her non stop for two years. I also see a psychiatrist regularly.

My problems fluctuate considerably, and whilst my posting on mn this week may appear that I am in a dangerous place, in the overall spectrum of my illness, I am not too bad. And I can see the direct correlation between the critical point I am with my therapy and the home/life stresses occuring at the moment, and my addictive behaviours. I am not for one minute condoning any of it, but am recognising the pattern and acknowledging it as part of what I do AT THE MOMENT rather than usuing it as yet another tool to beat myself up with.

Today is another day and I am determined to remain sober today. Its already the school holidays for us so I cannot get to an AA meeting today but I will plan to get to a meeting asap.

Thanks again. I can feel myself dragging myself away from MN again now. I just wish I could use it without exposing too much of myself. But I suppose that is just another indication of who I am. It's either all, or nothing, for me
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blinks · 02/04/2009 11:27

have you ever been to rehab?

have you ever tried cognitive therapy?

there are also online AA meetings and support if you're interested.

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blinks · 02/04/2009 11:30

i don't think you have anything to be ashamed or embarressed about by the way. allowing other people to see your weaknesses and vulnerabilities is often the best thing to do.

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MIFLAW · 02/04/2009 12:11

Why not just post under a different name?

Remember, no one here knows who you are anyway. It might seem very public and exposed, but actually this is almost as anonymous as it gets ...

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MIFLAW · 02/04/2009 12:13

It depends on where you live, btw, but some AA meetings in bigger towns have creche facilities, whilst others will allow (young-ish) children to sit in - while still others run in tandem and in the same building as Alateen meetings ...

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naswm · 02/04/2009 15:44

blinks - yes, 10 weeks in 2007
yes, regulary cbt
I am in touch with AA by email, and have lots of contacts from my old groups
I do feel ashamed and emabrrased though

MIFLAW - I coudl change names, but I usually end up being identified, cos my 'story' comes out and when I'm drunk my guard comes down.
My DC are too old for the creche, and too young to sit in and hear the discussions of meetings. I have a few meeetings I used to attmed regularly which I will go to after teh hols.

I am feeling so blue this afternoon. Incredibly pre-menstrual too, whcih is not helping. Just want to curl up and cry, except I cant

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blinks · 02/04/2009 18:07

maybe you could talk to your therapist and contacts from AA about feeling ashamed.

does your partner support you with recovery? is he getting counselling?

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iSOLOvechocolate · 02/04/2009 19:05

Naswm please don't be embarrassed or feel you have to leave MN even for a short time. I think that you can get some support on here, even if it's only pats on the back or virtual hugs which you may or may not need/want. I too am a bit of an all or nothing poster as far as laying myself bare is concerned. I'm very open and honest even in rl and sometimes think I should shut up but can't. Just use us on here as a sounding off set of anonymous 'friends' or someone to moan at even if no one is listening. Sometimes just getting it down in writing helps.
It must be very hard for you and I don't have personal experience of addictions, but I have worked closely with addicts of all types. I also have a bit of OCD and suffer depression on a regular on/off basis iyswim. Stay. Stay and chat when you want/need to ~ I'm very often here...kind

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