I am just in a really dark place right now.

[BlackHole]

I am a regular MNer who has name-changed because I am ashamed. I have lots of things going for me: a wonderful DH, 3 gorgeous DCs, a nice home, friends ....... but I am just so completely unhappy; and feeling anxious all the time.

I am worn out. My DCs are all really young and I just feel like I never have any fun. Life is just one huge long battle with stroppy little people, housework, feeling guilty, ruining my relationship with DH and just generally slogging away.

I feel like a crap mummy. I love my children, but I seem to spend most of my time shouting at them. They wind me up so much. They never seem to listen to a word I say and seem wild and unruly compared to friends children. When they are good they are sweet and kind and wonderful; but most of the time I just can't help loosing my temper. I have rage issues and I am so worried I am going to hurt one of them. Sometimes I feel like smacking them and never stopping. It is dreadful. I can't believe I feel like this about 3 little people who I love more than life itself.

I could go on, but I just need to tell "someone" what a dark place I am in right now.

Stop the world, I want to get off .....

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

BlackHole, you are not a crap mummy.

If you like we can chat through some issues and see if we come up with anything useful for you.

I might add that sometimes parenting sucks, it's boring, mind-numbingly so, and other people's children can easily make one feel bad.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

I can identify so much with the rage thing. It's a frightening, horrible thing which you know is so wrong but you're sort of possessed. A lot of this sounds to me like a control thing - with three young kids there's going to be a lot of things outwith your control right now and I bet that's causing you constant stress.

I haven't got the answers but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Talk, talk, talk if it helps.

[BlackHole]

I ate .... have you ever hit your children?

Life is mind-numbingly boring. Every day is the same and I am just bored bored bored. I have a degree. I feel like I have lost any form of intelligence I once had. I will never have a "proper" job again. This is it. This is me for the rest of my life. I am so so so tired. My sex life is non-existant and DH I fight about it at least twice a day.

It is all shit.

[BlackHole]

We have no money. We are so poor. I hate my house. I want desperately to make it look nicer but we can't afford it. My friends have lovely houses and go on lovely holidays and have lovely parents who help them and support them. I am so tired of my existence.

[BlackHole]

I dread getting up in the morning. As soon as I open my eyes I think "urgh, not another day", even at weekend when DH is around. By the time I have my shower I am reassuring myself it will be the DCs bedtime efore I know it.

[BlackHole]

I am paranoid everyone secretly hates me and is only "being friends" with me becasue they pity me.

[BlackHole]

Please "talk" back.

[Flame]

I have been where you are sooooooooo often (but with just 2 kids and no degree because I was too depressed to go to Uni.

I have no real advice Are you takihng anything atm?

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

Still here

[Flame]

The friends thing - would you actually put yourself out to be friends with someone because you pity them?

Maybe I am cruel and heartless, but I would pity from a distance

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Ok.

It sounds as if your personality and sense of self is being subsumed by the role of mother.

Would you consider going to work, I understand that childcare costs are a different issue, but to be 'you', not Mummy, not Wife, but You, might make the world of difference ?

You might also be depressed.

Have you spoken to your Gp/HV ?

[BlackHole]

Nope, not taking anything. Don't feel like I am "depressed" enough iykwim!!? I go to the GP and he just says "hmmmmm" and that is it really. I am fine, I just sort of go through life doing what I do and hating every minute. I wuoldn't say I come across as particularly depressed. I don't ever feel it. I just am completely and utterly fed up with how utterly shit my life is.

I am worried about what will happen when my oldest starts achool in Sept.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

I haven't hit DS but he's only 10 months. Honestly, I expect I will at some point. He's quite a tough character and I have a foul temper and poor control of it. I can feel the urge sometimes, when things aren't going the way I expect/want them to. I know it's wrong [to hit out of temper] but it's just something in me. I do understand your feelings of rage, very much.

From your other posts it sounds like you might be affected by depression. I had it once before DS was born, and your posts are reminiscent of the bleakness. Have you spoken to your HV or GP?

[BlackHole]

I work from home. It is not much, but it is something. I hate another job up until recently, but I got the sack, which was completely shit because I really enjoyed it and it was a meet the public type job, which I really needed. I am mum. That is it. Nada.

[BlackHole]

I feel like I am constantly smacking, hitting, grabbing roughly, pulling, pushing my chldren. I have had a really really hold myself back from clouting them repeatedly recently and it scares me so much. I punched my DD2 about a month ago and left a bruise. I promise promise promise I am not some sort of pshyco child abuser. I just can't help it. I am so sorry. I am so ashamed.

[BlackHole]

I don't want to die or anything like that. I just want to understand what the point of me being here is.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

BlackHole, you have a problem, and you realise that you have one. This is a good start.

You need more help than your GP has offered you. You need to go to see another GP or talk to your HV (if she's any cop you might arguably be better starting with her to get more holistic support) and you need to do it now. You might be worried about what action they might take if you explain your anger issues, but you need ongoing support, I think, beyond getting a job which you like more.

[MegBusset]

You definitely sound depressed, you need to go back to your GP and insist on being taken seriously.

You know how wrong it is to beat your children, don't you? I'm not throwing blame but you desperately need help to stop this.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Bit of a slog, but have you seen the thread by Red Mist, she was dealing with similar issues.

Have a read when you get a minute.

[BlackHole]

Thank you Boys/Dogs .... I will read it.

I do not beat my children I resent the use of the word beat.

I know I need help, but I have been trying to get help for years and it isn't working.

[BlackHole]

Have read through a bit of Red Mist's thread and I can definitely identify with a lot of it.

[MegBusset]

BH, I'm sorry if you were offended by my choice of words. I don't wish to make you feel worse than you obviously do so will step away from the thread now.

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

OK, try printing this thread off, and showing your GP.

Do you mean you've been asking for it and nobody has provided help, or do you mean you've had help/counselling/meds with no effect?

Because I think if you haven't been offered any of the above, your average GP would take you seriously having read what you've posted here.

[BlackHole]

Yes, MB, I think you should.

I ate ..... perhaps I should. I have tried counselling etc; but not meds; but I don't want to take meds. I don't feel like I am in a desperate enough place for "Mad Tabs" atm.

Do you all hate me now?

[BlackHole]