anxious and imagining awful things-is it just me?

[anxiousmama]

Am looking for some reassurance/advice/others who feel the same so know is not just me going mad! I have always been an anxious person-I worry about EVERYTHING and this seems to be getting worse. I keep imagining awful things are about to happen to my family and play out the scenarios in my head until I start crying almost as if its fact. I convince myself that what I think is going to happen is some kind of "premonition" and so is inevitable. My latest panic is about my Dad- I am convinced he is about to die- before he sees his grandson for the first time (ds is 2 mths-we live abroad and are due back in uk for xmas hols). At the beginning of the year I had a really strong feeling one of my family would die before the end of the year and now I feel as if clock is ticking and its inevitable. I know its irrational but these thoughts are starting to consume me. Then I start worrying about ds- I love him so much and am terrified something is going to happen to him. For example I visualise walking with him in his sling, tripping and falling and squashing him. I was having a lovely play with him after bath tonight then the thoughts started and I ended up in tears. My dp is out tonight and I am convinced he will be in a car crash-if not tonight then another time. I feel like I'm going mad. Does anyone else feel like this ever? (please say yes!!!). Just to clarify I dont think these thoughts are connected to pnd - have always been like this to an extent but I want it to stop now I have ds-I dont want it to get worse or affect him.

[Quootiepie]

Yes... not as extreme I dont think, but my mind goes off on a tandem sometimes and I get convinced something is going to happen to my DS. When im on ADs, its better (im not on them ATM, and getting abit worse, so will have to go back on them). Best thing is to pop to your GP - its pretty classic panic/anxiety and I find taking medication really does work... you can find out about other treatments aswell... like CBT {{hugs}} xxx

[saadia]

I am a fellow worrier and anxious person so I can relate to how you feel. I don't have such specific thoughts but I do expect some disaster to befall me and also to see my life fall apart.

Usually I get these thoughts when I am alone and have not had much adult company for a while. It helps to talk to people, about other things and to generally keep my mind busy.

Another thing is that when I think something awful could happen I sort of tell myself that since I can't control what will happen in the future may as well make the most of what I have now. HTH, and hope someone with more concrete advice comes along soon.

[saadia]

x-posted

[Quootiepie]

[southeastastra]

i don't have any ad but know that this is a natual state to be in, we're human

[merrylissiemas]

i used to fantasise about a car hitting us as we walked down the road. like Quootiepie i find ad's really help. i was sure i didn't have pnd but ds's birth was only a trigger so things like a previous eating disorder, obsessiveness and mild paranoia became a BIG deal. speak to your hv or gp more for reassurance than anything else

[Snailpace]

I was a worrier pre-baby, but it was magnified by a hundred afterwards. I did have PND but i also think its something chemical that happens in the brain. (Check my science know how!)

I used to be convinced that my babies pram would slip out of my hands down hills and career into the road and collide with a car. I think my lowest point was when I thought a low flying aircraft was an asteroid about to destroy us all! My heart has never pound so fast in my chest and i think the look of absolute terror on my face made my DH actually sit up and take notice that something really wasn't right. My PND has tapered off naturally over time, i was too afraid (here we go) to take AD's. Though, I will certainly do so after the next child if it was to return. (Not going through that again!)

Don't know if that helps or not... what am I saying? You are not alone

And, AD's can help correct the chemical imbalance if you really can't wait for the gracious arms of time. xxx

[Pandamania]

You certainly aren't alone. I have a history of anxiety and depression which has got worse again since DS was born 4 months ago. Recently I've stopped going out(always a sign for me of depression returning) and am having awful dreams about DS dying as well as frequent thoughts/fantasies about terrible things happening. I also panic about DH having an accident, this got much worse while I was pregnant. I also think it would be a good idea to talk to your GP or HV. I'm also going to take my own advice and ask my GP if I can go back on ADs. My HV has said that she can get me counselling without seeing my GP as I was hoping to avoid ADs. Hope you are feeling a lot better soon ((hugs))

[forevermore]

anxiousmama; this is me x 100. I am convinced my dd has cancer. i have already decided she is going to die, and now have mouth ulcers, flu, major headaches. this all stems from the fact that i am concerned over growth of hair on pubic area (she is only 16month). i looked on the ineternet and saw that could be due to hormonal imbalance. also i read that if she has spots on her face as well (Acne)this is more serious (an low and behold she has), now i have completely ignored the fact that these signs could be unrelated or 'normal' and skipped right to the 'rare' cases of tumors producing hormones that are usually benign, but if you search the internet hard enough you can find that even rarer; but still possible, they could be malignant. now of course i have clung on the most unlikely scenario and totally ignored the most probable causes! I also feel guilty / superstitious about these thoughts, that could somehow make it all happen because I thought of them.

now i am a wreck. i cry, am full of fear and keep hugging my baby as if its the last. i have an appointment with the peadiatrician soon and now the anxiety levels have reached their peak. i have done CBT in the past when pregnant, but was only offered a few sessions; although i feel that they helped. would really like to do this again, or just 'talk' to someone. any advice would be great. i don't want to go onto AD's because I belive this just masks the symptoms, I want to learn how to deal with life and all that it throws at me long term and feel that AD's won't 'teach' me that. i need help, I know, but how do I get it, and fast? I don't mind paying but don't know where i go to find professional help!

[imaginaryfriend]

am, this is all horribly familiar to me. Pre-dd I've always been a 'morbid thinker' finding myself going off on horrible trains of thought and ending up crying sitting on buses etc. But when dd was born (4 years ago) it got totally out of hand. I'd lie in bed at 2am and for 2 or more hours work myself up into a cold sweat thinking about all the awful things that might happen to her. Things ranging from meningitis to someone snatching her from me in the park and throwing her in the lake. I wondered about pnd but didn't take any ADs and anyhow 4 years later I'm still a total nervous wreck, worrying about everything. The worries just change, so now she's not a baby I worry endlessly about things happening at school. And mostly now things happening to me so that she's left without a mummy.

I wish I had advice. I've talked to a CBT guy to no avail. It's a constant fight.

[cheeryface]

i too struggle with this. sometimes what i am stressing about is actually right and of course sometimes just my imagination. trouble is i can't tell it apart.
tonight i am convinced ds2 is breathing rather too fast. he has a cold but i am worried.

i once went on prozac and it made a big difference. i stoppped because of the side effects though and also because i didn't want to rely on them for the rest of my life!

i go through alllsorts in my mind and i really sympathise. sorry can't really help though.

[anxiousmama]

thanks for responses all. Obviously not glad you also have same problems but is so reassuring to know its not just me. Does anyone know of any self help type books they could recommend for this? As I live abroad counselling is not really option (hard enough to explain how I feel in English let alone another language!)Not usually a self help book person but am desperate and as forevermore said-I want to learn how to deal with life. ((hugs)) to you all

[OLIVEBRANCH]

I can assure you, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you as these negative thoughts are the worst things ever. Unlike some of the other posts I don't suffer with depression just Anxiety - and that's enough!! I have had anxiety a while now and my HV recommended a good book "Mind Over Mood" by Christine Padesky & Dennis Greenberger you can buy from Amazon. I found it really helped me and reassured me that I was not going mad. Also a spoken simple relaxation tape which was comforting. I hope this may be of some use to you and that you soon overcome your anxiety. Good luck and best wishes.

[imaginaryfriend]

How does the book help, olivebranch? Does it work by explaining what's happening when one worries so much or is it more about relaxation techniques etc.? I'd like something to read on this subject too. I read something called 'Imps in the mind' which was about those thoughts you can't get rid of, but it was very technical and way too heavy to follow practically.

[cori]

Anxiousmama , I have this problem too. it is quite reasuuring to know that others have these thoughts too. I have always been this way. Have thought that I am just a natural 'worrier' but lately it started to get a bit out of control and was getting me quite down. GP thinks I have PND so have started taking ADs for the first time in my life. Have taken them for 3 weeks and they have really made a difference. I feel like myself again and its such a relief. I know that the symptoms are being masked to an extent but I am hoping at the same time I can learn to deal with the anxiety when it arises and stop the thoughts and (my behaviour) from getting out of control.

[MrsChristmasboo]

I too am another sufferer. At least we're not alone (even thou it feels like it sometimes!) I'm seeing a psychologist atm and she has given me some homework to do on a daily basis for a month. Basically i need to write down everything in a day that makes me smile, like if i see a robin in the garden i feel happy so i write it down When my ds1 says he loves me, i write it down and so on. So far it has helped a lot and i've avoided the use of ADs so far. I still have good days and bad days but i am able to control the panic attacks a bit more as i have learnt to reason them out in my head.
I also have the thought that if i think or dream something then it must be a premonition. She has reasured me that its just my stressed out brain playing tricks with me.

Oh, and try to have a relaxing bath before bed and spray lavender on your pillow. A good nights sleep really does work wonders! HTH

[cori]

MrsChristmasboo, that exercise sounds very helpful. Is your psychologist NHS or private?

Does anyone know where there anxiety comes from.?I think mine is partly to do with losing my mother when I was 19. She died of cancer, she had a variety of symptoms that she ignored until it was too late. Hence I think every symptom is to do with cancer. Also think that since i have been through something bad /painful once it could/will happen again.

[Glassofwine]

I think everyone has the thoughts to some extent. I often think that dh will have a car crash, it's not logical why is he more likely to crash when I'm not there?

Here's what I would do in your shoes. I would write it down everytime you have one of these thoughts into the same notepad. Then when the concern/event doesn't happen I would note that next to it. So eventually you will be able to look back at all the times you worried about a disaster that didn't happen. Your mind will come to realise that there is nothing to worry about.

[MrsChristmasboo]

Cori, she is NHS based in one of the hospitals. Very good. And she said its because of something bad that happens it sends your mind onto another level. Also she says it takes time but can be reversed.

[anxiousmama]

I agree with your idea Cori- I think when something bad has happened to you then you then know that these awful things can happen to you-not just to other people so you expect things to keep happening. I also have the same thoughts as Mrschristmasboo-that what I imagine is a premonition. This makes me feel that what I am worrying about is inevitable and so increases the panic and the feeling of helplessness and waiting for it to happen.Just hearing that others think the same is helping though. Next time I feel I have a premonition I'll remind myself that others feel the same and use this to try and reason with myself that the odds are against it being a premonition.

[anxiousmama]

ps thanks for the advice. I'm going to buy a notebook and start writing these thoughts down!

[cori]

Yes I have felt the 'premontion' thing too. Most strongly when pregnant with DS because of previous miscarriage was convinced something would go wrong or he would be ill in someway. Also convinced myself i would never see DH again cause he was in Australia when September 11th happened and I was here. Of course everything was OK, and I remind myself of that when I am having one of those moments.

[Glassofwine]

Once again, I think we all do to some extent - perhaps we've watched too many films! Remind yourself thought, how many times have you had a so called premonition and it's actually come true?

[imaginaryfriend]

Cori, what you said about your mum is interesting. I think my dad's death sent me spiralling. He died very suddenly when I was 17. I loved him an awful lot, he was really like my best friend, always there for me, always on my side. Then one day I had a security man fetching me out of the cafe at University and telling me he was dead. Since that moment I live in constant fear of something unexpected, traumatic and life-changing suddenly happening to me or someone I love. It's made me realise how out of control we are of our lives, especially of the parts we rely on or feel we know for 'sure.' Since dad died nothing has ever seemed 'certain'.

[cori]

It is reassuring to hear your stories. It does seem for some of us a tragic event can trigger anxiety years later. Agree that probably everyone has these fears to a certain extent but when it starts to take over your life, and its affecting your family maybe its time to see a professional.Mutual support is also useful, maybe we should have an anxiety support thread.