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Not sure I can go on

(83 Posts)
ProfondoRosso Sun 05-Jan-14 11:49:44

Hi everyone, I've posted on here before, quite a while ago, under a different name.

I have generalised anxiety disorder. I have been feeling so awful the past few days that I feel like I can't cope anymore.

I'm coming to the end of my PhD and need to find a job. That has got me worried, but now it's not so much the situation that I'm worried about, rather the fact that I'm having a relapse. I can't stand this feeling. It's horror. I get so anxious about being anxious.

I have left DH alone at home today and come into my office so I can be alone. I feel awful for doing this. When I'm this anxious, I smoke a lot and DH hates it. He feels it's a sign that I'm not fighting hard enough, that I'm just letting the feelings get me. I used to smoke a lot more, but have been wearing nicotine patches at weekends and when we're on holiday, and doing pretty well. DH is the kindest man - he was so gentle with me yesterday when I was having panic attacks, but this is too much for him. He has such a stressful job and really, really needs the weekends to rest. So I had to get away - to be alone, to smoke. I feel like scum.

I've been on several different meds - I'm on Sertralone 200mg now and I thought I was getting better. I hate this cycle of get better for a while, then get worse. I've been doing mindfulness meditation and thought it was a game changer but I let it slide during the Christmas holidays and feel like that might be related to how I'm feeling.

DH is 38, I'm 28. We so want to have a baby. We knew we had to wait until my PhD was over and I thought I was really getting better. Now I feel like we can never have children, because I'll never get well. If I crack up or smoke during pregnancy, it would hurt the baby. And I'd be a bad, unwell mother. And smoking will kill me one day.

I wish I'd been born to a horrible family and never met DH, because then nobody would be hurt if I killed myself. He bought me a juicer for Christmas. We were meant to have a nice day making juice today. But I've just been throwing up, smoking and now all the fruit and veg he bought me will go bad. I'm a horrible person and I feel like I just want to die.

I'm sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get this out.

LastingLight Thu 16-Jan-14 15:30:36

I'm sorry the doc wasn't more helpful. As ill as you were when you started this thread, I would have said you need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe I'm just spoiled with having private health care, from what I've read on mn the nhs would really frustrate me! Good luck with completing the PhD.

ProfondoRosso Thu 16-Jan-14 16:28:27

I feel like that a bit too, Lasting, but I'm going to see how the next wee while pans out. If I do relapse so severely again soon I'm definitely going back.

LastingLight Thu 16-Jan-14 17:38:26

If you went to A&E while having a panic attack, would they refer you to a psychiatrist?

I made an appointment with my psychologist for next, I'm feeling anxious about school starting and keeping on top of all that (and I only have one child!), and serious uncertainty about the direction my studies must take. Work is also not going too well. I also have an appointment with psychiatrist the week after. Focus and concentration are big problems for me, the meds I tried didn't help so I hope he can come up with plan B.

lqlauralu Thu 16-Jan-14 19:59:02

Hi Hun. I've just signed up to this website and yours is the first post I've looked at. I hope you don't mind me saying but you gave me hope that I'm not the only one feeling as though life is kinda crashing around them and these emotions and thoughts can feel like you will never recover.

To me, you sound as though you have so much going for you, you and your partner sound lovely and 'go you' on the phd! My friend just finished hers and I couldn't even imagine having the strength to attempt one so you're much stronger than you think!

My partner sounds similar, such a loving and caring person. He also has a busy work life and I worry that he will just stop coping with my CONSTANT obsessive worrying over irrelevant and intrusive thoughts. I've suffered depression and anxiety since me early teens and he's had to cope with a lot since we got together when I was 18. I'm 29 now.

I've focused my obsessive worries on very specific things over the years, now I have a new one...babies. I've always loved the idea of having children and suddenly I've found myself thinking about it quite seriously with my partner and all I can think is...I'm going to ruin it by worrying whether it be 'what if we're not perfect enough as a couple to have kids' or 'what if my anxiety and worrying hurts the baby'.

Sorry, going off on a tangent about myself. I guess I just wanted you to know you're not alone and if you can find others to talk to that have similar issues then we can be strong together! I'm terrified about the future and I really don't want to be, like I'm pre-programmed to sabotage myself. If you'd ever like to talk let me know. ;)

BTW, on a slightly lighter note, I went to Profondo Rosso in Rome last year. Had a good old chat with Luigi Cozzi, praising him for the beautiful mess that was 'Contamination'. ;p xx

SugarMouse1 Thu 16-Jan-14 21:19:10

Does your DH understand about the smoking being linked to your anxiety?
we all have some habits our partners hate, and honestly smoking is not that big a deal, far better than doing crack, becoming an alcoholic or god knows what. But, I know, completely depends on the circle you mix in, I've smoked on and off for years, linked to anxiety and my family hate it and are very judgmental, yet in my workplace 90 per cent of staff smoke.......Remember there is a hell of a lot of tax on cigarettes in the UK, so NEVER let anyone make you feel guilty for smoking, youre an adult, it's your choice, no one is perfect- plenty of people on here stuff themselves with chocolate then rant on about smoking. However, have you tried doing exercise/yoga instead? Or any other techniques?

You still have plenty of time to have a baby, so don't worry about that for now. There is definitely no rush. Many people find they can easily stop smoking while pregnant - it just makes them feel sick.

Have you asked for CBT? Looked into support groups in your area? I know I found it helpful to meet others going through similar and there's always mumsnet and other sites which can be fab for support.

What specifically is your anxiety over ATM? if its your phd work, does the uni offer any support? Speak to your tutor if you get on with them? maybe take someone with you for support.

ProfondoRosso Thu 16-Jan-14 22:01:37

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.

Lasting, I hope everything goes well with your psych appointments. You're in SA, right (sorry if I've remembered that wrong)? What is the weather like where you are? If I do have more panic attacks (I'll be especially vigilant this weekend), then I will go to A&E.

lqlauralu, nice to meet you. smile I'm sorry you've been through similar. I think about having children a lot and just hope so much that things will turn out ok.

You know, I have never met another person who's been to Profondo Rosso! That's so cool that you have! I was there last year too, it was great to meet Luigi Cozzi and the wee museum was great.

SugarMouse, thank you for your kind words too. The smoking thing is rotten and I do wish I'd never started. Not to come across like a martyr but I feel like people who haven't got into the bad habit of smoking to deal with anxiety (or anything else we do which we know we shouldn't) find it hard to understand. I'm making sure I do my mindfulness every day now and hopefully that will help.

Hope everyone is well tonight.

LastingLight Fri 17-Jan-14 04:35:47

Good morning
Yes I'm in SA. Weather is fine, sunny and warm. smile I lived in the UK in 1996 and 1997 and I couldn't survive your winters. I came home for a couple of weeks over Christmas to soak up the sun!

LastingLight Mon 20-Jan-14 06:11:31

Morning ProfondoRosso, how was your weekend?

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