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Carers of family members with BPD\MH issues - are you out there?

(213 Posts)
floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:43:40

Hi - I have an 18 yo dd who is a recently diagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sufferer. I am coping as best I can and working full time but could do with some support from some fellow carers.

I have had some brilliant advice on the Borderline Personality Disorder thread (thankyou SirBoob and Heffa) but feel we could all support each other in times of crisis.

Boofie68 Tue 08-Apr-14 22:02:41

Hi Flo. It is sounding very hopeful for your dd. Interesting that she has recognised her symptoms in others. My dd moans a lot about other girls on her ward and seems completely oblivious that she is acting in a very similar fashion.Maybe being a bit more mature has helped. I spoke to an academic who did some research with sufferers of bpd a few years ago and she said that those who had an early onset of symptoms were much more likely to grow out of their problems as they matured whereas those who only started to manifest bpd symptoms in their 20's were more likely to have to manage their symptoms lifelong.

Gow, sorry that you are having a difficult time with your d. Maybe it is a reaction if her mum is struggling after the bereavement and things will improve when the competitive grieving comes to an end. I hope things improve soon.

I'm finding the school holidays quite tricky . My dd gets very bored in the ward as they seem to have no structure during the holidays and wants me to visit for long periods of time, then my other daughter gets resentful as she doesn't like me visiting, plus I'm trying to fit in working as well.

We have taken the decision to go away with my youngest daughter just for a couple of days next week for a short break, leaving my dd in the ward. We haven't told her yet but I'm sure she will not take the news well and I do feel guilty but she will have grandparents to visit her and it seems unfair on my youngest daughter that we can never go away because of the issues with dd.

Hope you all have a drama free Easter.


floramckitchen Fri 11-Apr-14 16:25:06

Hi all

Have just discovered that my dd is now teaching herself about Buddhism and has started meditating. She has bought some books etc etc. She told me she has to work on herself and not rely on others to fix her problems and has apparently recommended it at her therapy group with mixed reactions! I am so proud of her - she is working so hard to get well. So different from this time last year when she was on a MH ward.

She still has sleep problems and nightmares but they are happening less often now. I've got everything crossed that she doesn't slip back again.

Happy easter

Boofie - I hope you get to go away with your youngest dd. It sounds like a good idea to get some space and devote some time to her even if its just a day or two.

Boofie68 Sun 13-Apr-14 13:44:44

Hi Flo. It is so nice when someone posts good news. It makes me feel hopeful that there is hope for my dd and eventually she too might start to improve. Have a happy Easter. Boogie

Hi everyone

I keep an eye on this thread and was really pleased to read your news, Flora. Meditation and mindfulness are fantastic tools for everyone, and maybe your DD can give you some techniques too which will help you to support her. I have found that the calmer I am, the easier it is for my DD to recover from the tidal waves of emotion which sometimes overcome her, even now. I've just read this memoir which really helped me to understand what it must feel like to be so unable to control the intensity of emotions.

Boofie - I really hope you have managed to go away as you planned. It will do you good, and won't do your DD any harm. You and your family must put yourselves first while you have the opportunity to do so - it will fortify you for the time when your DD comes home. I remember crying all the way on the plane when we went away with our son but without DD, but there is no doubt that it did us all good to have a break, and it was important for our son (15) to see that we could be our 'normal' selves. More recently, it has been really good for DD (nearly 19) to know that we trust her enough to go away for a couple of nights, leaving her alone, and her confidence has been noticeably greater as a result.

Thinking of you all, and in awe of what you are doing for A, Gow. Remember to look after yourself, too!


jaabaar Wed 16-Apr-14 01:10:16

Nothing to contribute except stating the desperation.

BIL1 in a home

BIL2 at MIL house suffering from psychosid induced by drugs. He is highly aggressive and attacked us when we checked up on him, also verbally abuse and tried to attack neighbours.
Police and mental health coordinator called several times. Doctor/police coming with court order to take him hospital.

MIL in hospital since a month with 7 operations following fourth suicide attempt.

Tomorrow hospital meeting regarding MIL. Then see Iif BIL has been sectioned and go see him.

Then sunday pick up other BIL for easter lunch.

In between having to listen to death threats every other day from BIL with psychosis.

It is hard. It is mostly hopeless. Nobody listens to family imput. They get assesed as fine. Then u find MIL in a pool of blood.

We keep trying to help as a family what else can we do.

And we have children.

This is life.

Boofie68 Fri 20-Jun-14 20:13:05

Hi All. Haven spoken for some time. I did go away, everyone coped and it was a nice break. Nothing has changed with my dd. she is still in a psychiatric ward, getting on for 7 months now. The professionals are going in front of another committee next Wednesday to see if they can get funding for her to go to a residential centre. Please keep everything crossed.

Meanwhile my youngest daughter, who has been relatively robust and happy until recently, has now started to talk about suicide and has begun self harming. I have been able to cope with my eldest but I'm now struggling. I can't believe it is happening all over again.

Anyway hope you are all enjoying the good weather and I think I need a glass of wine to cheer me up.

Bw Boofie xx

Kingmga Wed 10-Sep-14 20:50:47

I've just joined mums net today so haven't read all of the thread. My daughter is 19 on Saturday and was diagnosed with bpd about a year ago. One suicide attempt ending up in a and e lots of self harm. She's had cbt and dbt and is on medication. I just want advice as to what to do when she's having a complete meltdown. Sobbing hysterically saying she wants to die I just don't know how to cope with it. I work full time but am so scared she will attempt suicide. Nothing so far seems to have helped. I feel useless and helpless and don't know where to turn

ashtrayheart Wed 10-Sep-14 20:56:56

Hi kingmga, I've not been in this thread for a while. Sorry to hear about your dd. My eldest is nearly 18 and has emerging bpd - she has been in and out of hospitals and units since she was 15 and is now in a long term secure hospital.
It's easier for me because although it's horrible hearing my dd upset, I know she is as safe as she can be. Does your dd live with you? Does she have a cpn or social worker?

Boofie68 Wed 10-Sep-14 22:22:47

Hi Kingmga
My heart goes out to you. I, too, have been in your position and know how heartbreaking it is and how desperately you want to fix everything so that she can be happy. My dd is nearly 16 and has been in and out of hospital and I guess I'm just starting to realise that I can't fix it and make everything alright. All I can do is be there for her when she wants me to be. That is not to say that I don't still feel desperate sometimes and have a little weep. Is she able to work or be in education?
Hope you are ok. Boofie

1944girl Thu 11-Sep-14 00:22:07

I have not read all this of this thread but the title drew me to it.

I have care of my 18 year old granddaughter who has a lot of mental health problems made worse by her drug addiction.She is now on legal highs with all the paranoid states that this filthy stuff causes.
She lives with me, DH and her father who is my DS2.He and her mother divorced when she was two.She lived with her mother until she was fourteen then my son's ex-wife decided to bring her to live with him as she could no longer cope with her.DGD up till then was having increasing behaviour problems and was also a problem at school, she was cheeky and aggressive to her teachers and was picking fights with other girls.She was also beginning to drink alcohol and smoke normal cigarettes.
At first we thought this was rebellious teenage behaviour and she would soon grow out of it.Her two older sisters had none of these problems.
Things worsened over time. She was always getting excluded from school and began to mix with what I call bad company.
Before long she was on cannabis and other drugs and admitted she obtained them by having sex with boys.
Last year she took an overdose of quinine tablets which had been prescribed for me for leg cramps. After a few days in hospital she was discharged to the child and adolescent mental health services on an out patient basis and saw a phyciatrist (sp) fortnightly who prescribed Concerta XL two daily.Little effect on her behaviour.Her mother usually accompanies her on these visits sometimes myself.She was also given the deprova contraceptive injection to prevent pregnancy as the medications would seriously harm an unborn baby.
No definite diagnosis has been reached yet.There has been mention of a form of autism and also AHAD plus something else I have forgotten, may be bi polar.She did spend some time as an in- patient in a young people's mental health unit but this did no good at all.She resented being in a locked ward and was cheeky to staff.As she was a voluntary patient she took it on herself to take her own discharge and has never been back.

The main problem now is her paranoid behaviour.She has been smoking legal highs now for about a year.Does not drink alcohol or smoke ordinary tobacco and as far as I know no other drug.Her doctors know she is on legal highs but she only admits to smoking them every now and again.This is not true she can get through a packet a day.She is on DLA which provides her with the means.No more boyfriends or casual sex due to her increasing paranoid behaviour. In fact she hardly goes out as she thinks everyone is against her. Sees her female friends occaisionly. Has daily contact with her mother by phone and sees her once a week.These visits are always short.Not her mother's fault, she wishes it.Her mother wants her to go back and live with her but DGD always refuses.Has had a few overnight stays but they have not been successful. She and her mother row over her behaviour and she returns to us. Her mood swings are dreadful.On a high on minute which can quickly change to rude and aggressive.
She can be a lovely girl this awful stuff is destroying her but she is addicted to it.All her medical history has been investigated including her premature birth at 30 weeks.She was very ill during the first few days of her life and was behind with her milestones until a year old. Since then she was classed as being highly intelligent and is capable of high academic standard but wasted her time at school with bad behaviour.She can be very manipulative and tends to wind the professionals round her little finger.
Her father is in denial.His second marriage has recently broken up and he thinks that his daughter played a large part in it.His second wife resented DGD's presence and considered her a bad influence on their two children who now live with her.DIL's mother caused loads of trouble and sent DGD abusive text messages and also was verbally abusive to me on facebook telling me to keep away from her family and control my druggie granddaughter.I have accepted this as ignorance as this woman has no idea.
I love DGD very much despite all this but am slowly coming to my wits end.
Sorry for long story.

1944girl Thu 11-Sep-14 00:26:22

Sorry for typos.I meant to put DIL's mother not DIL'sher.

Boofie68 Fri 12-Sep-14 10:04:37

Hi 1944. You must be exhausted lfrom all the stress. Some of your story sounds very familiar. My DD was diagnosed for a while with ADD and had multiple tests for Autism as the school insisted she exhibited traits although the tests didn't find anything. Sadly she also smoked cannabis and took drugs last summer and she wasn't paying for it with cash. She has also taken overdoses and self harms regularly. At the moment as she is still a child we still have control over her treatment and she has just gone to stay in a residential unit so we are having some respite. I dread what will happen when she is an adult and has control over her treatment. Does your granddaughter want to get any treatment for her paranoia? Will she consider therapy. My DD won't go out in the area where we live as she is paranoid but will go out further afield where nobody knows her. I'm sorry that I can't give you any helpful advice. My experience has been that we have had to fight for any support. Take care of yourself. Boofie

1944girl Fri 12-Sep-14 22:33:48

Thankyou Boofie

We are holding on.
I have tried to get in touch with her latest Social Worker many times this week unfortunately she is out every time I phone.Today she is away until Wednesday.
DGD is asleep in bed now which is normal after a "fix" which she had this afternoon. She will wake up soon, have something to eat then start watching pre recorded TV and spend the night on the settee. I am hoping she sees her mother over the weekend so we can get peace as DS's two youngest children ages 13 and 11 are visiting. I have had to stop overnight stays here as the girl has to share a bedroom with her half sister and she might do drugs in front of her.
Such is life just now.
Thankyou again

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