Could my husband be having a breakdown/some sort of mental illness or is he just an abusive bastard?

[BeattieBow]

So a bit of background. I have been married to H for 13 years and with him for 10 years before then. I don't remember seeing any behaviour like I am about to describe, and I am wondering whether he has had a breakdown or something or whether it is possible that his true colours have just shown themselves.

We have gone through alot of stress over the last couple of years - miscarriages, job losses, house moves, family arguments etc.

So recently, H has started, with very little warning, being extremely abusive to me. He will say the most vile things, while I am in floods of tears, and carry on saying them. He will say them in front of the children, and will seem completely unmoved by anything I am saying or by the fact he is with the children. when questioned he will act as though it is completely reasonable that he say these things and that I deserve them. For example when I asked after one episode why he did it he said that "he has put up with 20 years of shit and I deserve it". Other excuses involve:

"he is tired" (because I asked him to leave and he isn't sleeping)
he read a personal email from my account to my sister that made him angry
my mum isn't talking to him and it's my fault

etc etc

I can't predict when he will do this. I saw him on Saturday and he was lovely. I saw him on Sunday and within minutes he had said to dd3 (aged6) when she fell over "get off the fucking floor". When I said to him sarcastically (and maybe I shouldn't) oh you're such a good father, he responded "you are a fucking lazy bitch" and "you live in a fucking pigsty". In front of the children. When I later tried to speak to him about this, he just didn't seem to grasp that you can't speak to people like that, and you certainly don't speak to the children like that (or in front of them). any outburst is my fault. He had a row with my mother, when I wasn't there, and blames me. He blames me for him losing jobs in the past even though I can't see how I could possibly be to blame. to him it is totally logical that I am to blame for this for everything. .

Of course it could just be that he is abusive and it's his true personality showing itself, but to me it just seems so weird. He didn't use to be like this at all. He doesn't seem to understand the awfulness of his actions, how abnormal it is to swear/talk like that in front of the children, he seems completely unmoved if he is upsetting me. He just doesn't take any resonsibility for his actions and doesn't understand the illogicality of blaming me (he hacked into my email, read one, and then was angry with me for it, but that' still my fault for writing it!).

Thanks if you've got to the end of this. In many ways it is illogical - I've thrown him out, limited contact with the children and consulted lawyers, but I really wonder what has caused this huge character change.

[schobe]

Could be:

• breakdown/mental health issue
  
• physical health issue (any headaches?)
  
• other woman (is there any chance of this?)
  

Seems unlikely after 23 years to change so much so suddenly. Are you sure he wasn't like this all the time only being more subtle?

Has something changed recently so that he has felt the need to "up his game" as it were? Is he losing some control over you? Have you lost weight, started going out more, got a new job, new friend, renewed confidence??

I think you've done the right things re throwing out, monitoring contact carefully, consulting solicitors. Maybe there is nothing more you can do - it's for him to behave appropriately, you can't make him. Must be awful for you.

[BeattieBow]

I mean in many ways it is irrelevant although it is illogical too!

[BeattieBow]

I was wondering whether it could be a mental health issue, but don't know much about this!

my solicitor thinks its another woman - but he denies this.

I can't remember him being so vile to me in the past. He has always had issues with taking responsibility for his actions but I just can't remember him being horrible to me or swearing to the children like that. It's the fact that to him it seems so logical/reasonable that seems odd to me.

[schobe]

Yes, your solicitor has probably seen it many times before. The other woman does tend to appear as if by magic after a few months.

Many will swear blind they've only just met but the truth is rather different.

It seems to be the one thing that can cause a complete personality change and utter rewriting of history. The person seems to have to tie themselves in knots to make what they've done "ok". The old partner will suddenly be made out to be the most hideous person despite decades of happy marriage. Everything becomes your fault just as you describe.

The only real advice that seems to do any good is to try and totally disengage from the situation and from him. Don't feed the drama - sounds like you're doing it right. I would avoid being in hos company at all except to hand over kids, if he's still abusing you in front of them.

[BeattieBow]

I am trying to disengage - it's hard though! the other thing he does is keep swinging from completely normal to horrible abusive man. I have no idea when horrible him is going to pop up. He does seem to be 2 different people

[NanaNina]

Hmm - I don't like "internet diagnosis" but it really doesn't sound to me like "another woman" because if I've read you right, you were the one to tell him to leave, whereas with the OW thing, it is usually the bloke that goes.
And if this was the case, he would surely be happier and would have no need to behave as he is.

It is very curious especially since you have known him so long. It does sound to me more like a mental health issue, as he appears to have changed personality. Again it's wierd that it came on when you had known each other for years, because a person with a personality disorder, it will be quite obvious from the beginning.

Think you are handling this very well - does he have any friends/relatives who you could talk to to see if they had noticed these changes in his character. He sounds a touch paranoid too, which can be associated with mental illness. Does he work? If so do you know if he is holding his job down ok - think you need someone else's perspective who knows him well, so long as he doesn't find out of course!

[cestlavielife]

has he been to gp for full medical? brain scan? if really is a total personality change. has he been having headaches or seizures?

www.merckmanuals.com/home/brain_spinal_cord_and_nerve_disorders/tumors_of_the_nervous_system/brain_tumors.html
"Symptoms may include headaches, personality changes (such as suddenly becoming depressed, anxious, or uninhibited), loss of balance, trouble concentrating, seizures, and incoordination.
"

or have there always been signs?
how did he deal with the stresses?

my exP always had signs of severe MH/personality disorder/abusive - they just got worse over time... but later i remembered many examples of extreme behaviour - where he had ignored my feelings/views - over the years which i had brushed aside...

ask friends family -are they suprised at this behaviour and that you kicked him out or do they seem
unsurprised?

[BeattieBow]

no, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him - he can't see the insanity in the way he is acting and the excuses he is making for it.

maybe he is just abusive.

my family don't believe me when I describe his behaviour, which isn't helping, and he hasn't told his family what is happening.

[schobe]

Nananina - i think it's very common for the person having an affair to behave so badly in order to force the partner to throw them out.

Then they can say they've been cruelly chucked out and it had nothing to do with ow (who doesn't exist, honest).

Many people find it hard to be the bad guy. Ironic when they start being so horrible/abusive to get thrown out.

[Thumbwitch]

How awful for you and your poor DC!

But yes, it does sound as though another woman may be involved. As schobe (and probably others) have said, it's one way that men devolve guilt from themselves - they start to move the blame onto their partner, pick on every little tiny thing until you start to respond in kind or irrationally - and then they can say to themselves with perfect impunity "oh she was impossible to live with" without taking on any blame or responsibility themselves.

You've been together 23 years. If you look through the relationship threads, you will see sooooo many threads where the couple have been together between 20 and 24 years, often with small DC, and this happens. It seems that the "midlife crisis" is alive and kicking in these unbelievably selfish men.

So - yes he could be having a breakdown, yes he could have some kind of character-altering brain disease - but most likely he is having an affair and is just trying to get you to chuck him out so he can play the "poor me" card.

[BeattieBow]

I definitely felt as though he was provoking me/leaving me with no choice but to throw him out! Although he does now keep saying that it was my choice, I don't reallly feel that it was.

actually it makes no odds to me whether he is having an affair - it would take a miracle for me to trust him ever again anyway, he is so vile to me.

[Towndon]

If this is really out of character, it could be depression or a breakdown of some kind. Mental illness can give a negative outlook to people who normally have a happier disposition. I think it would be a good idea for him to see the GP to get this ruled out - would he be willing do you think?

[Rikalaily]

I agree that it sounds like another woman, especially as he's seemed to provoke you into kicking him out, in a twisted way it makes him out to be the victim and he won't be seen as 'the bad guy' when in a few months he's suddenly met someone (not so) new. Typical guilty male behaviour, turn the blame onto someone else so they don't feel as guilty themselves.

You have done the right thing by making him leave, you should limit the contact you have with him yourself so he doesn't have an opportunity to abuse you any further. Arrange for him to see the kids/pick them up from a relatives house etc so you don't have to see him/he'll behave when there are others around/or others will witness his behaviour.

[BeattieBow]

he's denied that there's another woman, and I haven't found any evidence of one, so i guess I just have to wait for one to appear!

[Thumbwitch]

Of course he's denied it - give it a few weeks or so. Where has he gone? Where is he staying?

[BeattieBow]

he's staying at a friend's flat! the "friend" isn't there. I would be surprised if it is her tbh, she is around 10-15 years older than him and from what he's said before about her, she isn't his type.

But this does coincide with a move to a new city and a job, so there is a chance he's met someone at work or linked up with someone he knew in the past. I haven't seen anything in the bank account, but who knows?

[BeattieBow]

what are the classic signs that a man is having an affair?

[Thumbwitch]

well the attitude change is one of the bigger ones! Unexplained absences, working later than usual, hiding his phone or secretive use of it, password protecting his laptop/computer account...

Most men, but not all, are wise to the bank account/credit card being a dead giveaway for unexplained expenditure - some just don't give enough of a shit to hide it though.

[Noodlemacdoodle]

It could be hormones, if you've been ogether that long I'm guessing he's in his forties. There is a 'male menopause' which is down to lack of testosterone. Completely and utterly treatable with supplements... but challenging to get him to the GP

[NanaNina]

BB - "he can't seen the insanity in the way he is behaving" - this jumped out at me from one of your posts. People who are suffering from some sort of mental illness that is a thinking disorder don't see anything wrong with their behaviour - they think it's everyone else who has the problem.

This thread seems to the dividing between OW and MH and I'm not sure that's helpful to you. Mind the "friend's" flat is an important issue. Is he holding down a job, and do you know anyone who knows him well, friend, relative, work colleague who you could ask if they have noticed changes in jim.

On the contact issue - is he taking the children out or just seeing them in your home, because it doesn't seem to be safe to let him take them out. What sort of a father did he used to be - and would it be absolutely out of the question that he would swear at the children for nothing.

[BeattieBow]

Thanks all. thumbwitch he won't ever admit to an affair, and there's no way of me finding out now as he doesn't live with me. He wouldn't be careless enough to do anything incriminating through the bank account, but it would be pretty easy for him to go out for meals etc as he does alot of work marketing, and could just say it is that. he has started a new job in the last few months, and I don't know anyone there to ask.

nananina, I've stopped him having access at all to the children, I was too worried after the weekend - it's the fact he didn't see that he did anything wrong that worried me. We can't see them together as he is horrible to me in front of them and then I get upset, and then that upsets them. so I'e said no contact at all. Suits me tbh, although I'm going to be exhausted as I'm pregnant and have pretty bad morning sickness (oh yes Thumbwitch another sign! I'm pregnant!).

[BeattieBow]

I've got access to one of his email accounts - the home one, and I haven't seen anything there, but nothing to stop him setting up a new one. He has taken my ipad with him claiming he needs it. But I don't know what for!

[Thumbwitch]

Oh honey! So um well I was going to say sorry to hear that but that's not quite right, is it devastating for you! A time that's supposed to be all happy and joyful and instead you have all this shite going on. :(

How old is your youngest DC at the moment? And did any of this start before he knew you were pg? OR only since?

[Thumbwitch]

Errr, what's he doing with your iPad? can't you get it back from him? Cheek!

[BeattieBow]

he took my ipad because he said he needed to be able to access his emails from home. But from what I can see of his emails (on the account I know of, that he put onto my iphone ages ago), there isn't any activity. I've asked for it back, but he's refusing (it was my 40th birthday present from him!).

the sequence of when he started being really vile to me is all bit blurry. I had a mc in July and he was completely very distant to me then - I got no support at all. It is a miracle I got pg in August actually as we only had sex once or twice I think (initiated by him I should add). The first time I remember him being horrible to me was in April, but he was very apologetic then.

He also refused to come on holiday with me and the kids in august (after the conception!) saying he needed to work - it was a new job and he didn't want to lose clients. But I didn't particularly buy that excuse as I had seen an email from his new boss saying he could start in Sept. anyway, he would never have wanted to have missed a holiday in the olden days. I fell out with him after the mc anyway, and we weren't particularly talking then, and he stayed at his mums for a little while - so I would say it was a mess from then. I would say the horrible nastiness started after I came back from holiday. I suppose there was a plenty of opportunity then for him to further any friendships he had in mind.