My mum died suddenly

(196 Posts)
Ruthie71 Mon 13-Oct-08 14:00:00

I lost my mum recently. I wondered if there was anybody else going through something similar. It's been 8 weeks. I still can't believe she's gone and I miss her terribly.

dizzyjingles Tue 16-Dec-08 00:55:32

ruthie am so sorry for your loss sad I too lost my mum 21wks ago and its still all to raw to begin to comprehend. I am only 32, I was 40wks pregnant and she was only 68 - its just not right, I thought I'd have my mum forever and my kids would have a Granny angry

please be kind to yourself and remember there are no rules or time limits for feeling better

we put 'always on our mind forever in our hearts' on her stone so people would know that she may be gone but she's very definately not forgotten smile

JacksFirstChristmasMama Tue 16-Dec-08 01:06:28

I am so sorry for you for losing your mum. I would be devastated without mine and cherish every day I have with her. I don't know what else to say except to send you ((((((((*BIG WARM HUGS*)))))))) from Canada.
xxx

oliviasmama Tue 16-Dec-08 01:31:27

I lost my Mum 6 and a half years ago and I miss her desperately, I just can't begin to explain how much. I think about her virtually all the time and still cry for her ever such a lot. She too was my best friend.

It does get easier though and as people say "time is a great healer", perhaps I still need more time, somehow I don't think so, I think this feeling will never leave me, I feel a different person now she's not here and I find myself trying to recreate the way in which she did things as she was such a lovely Mum.

It's dreadful and I really cannot begin to tell you how to deal with it, but you do deal with it and you will.

The only advice I can give you and it depends on whether you're a "talker" or not but I talk about my Mum all the time because that's the way I find that I feel she is still around and part of everyones everyday life. My way, not necessarly everyones though. You'll find your way.

Keep going darling. smile

ritaann Thu 15-Jan-09 20:12:05

Hi there. I lost my mum on 14 November 2008 - 9 weeks ago - she was 66 years old. Totally unexpected and I am completely devastated. We were so very close I saw her at least 4 times a week. I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old and I feel so lost without her. If it wasnt for the children I dont know what I would do. I feel there is no end to this terrible feeling of loss. I feel so fearful now of losing my dad and worry about him so much every day as well as dealing with the grief I feel over my mum. Can anyone help me with this terrible feeling?
Michelle x

cathcat Thu 15-Jan-09 21:05:24

Hi ritaann, so sorry for your loss. I am a few weeks further down the line than you ~ my dad died 16 weeks ago. I'm so sorry things are hard for you just now. I don't know what to say to help you, but one thing I felt is that I knew my dad would want me to carry on and do the best I could.
How is your dad coping? I know you can't help worrying about him but look after yourself too.
Hope someone else comes along with better advice.

Deemented Thu 15-Jan-09 21:19:51

My mum died on October 29th last year. It was a terrible shock. I'd been with her at 8pm that night - she was in hospital, but her death turned out to be unrelated to what she was in for - and the hospital rang just after midnight to tell us that she'd died. Such a huge shock and her death has left a massive void. I miss her more then i thought i could.

revjustaboutlikesvests Thu 15-Jan-09 21:27:06

Hi, just wanted to say sorry for your losses. It is a really good idea to have a thread like this, it is the online equivalent of a bereavement support group. I think people often underestimate how dreadful grief can be.

Ritann/Michelle - I am not a psychologist, but I would say from the little I have read that the worry about your dad is part of the overall grief reaction: it is not irrational at all, and very common in fact. Part of your system wanting to protect itself from future shocks. Grief can feel a lot like anxiety, it is a very stressful as well as a very sad place to be, and that worry can surface in all sorts of unexpected ways. So whilst I don't have any advice to you as to how to get rid of the feelings, I can reassure you that they are normal ones, and that they, like the grief itself, will get easier with time. HTH.

FWIW, I am always happy to chat via email if anyone going through bereavement wants to offload, it doesn't have to be a religious topic although as my username suggests I am a Christian minister.

ritaann Thu 15-Jan-09 21:55:20

Thank you for your supportive comments I just am so devasted at the moment it just doesn't seem real. Its so unfair that she will not see her grandchildren grow up and it makes me so angry and sad at the same time that I dont have my mum to talk to and be there for me like she was everyday before she died. Shw was always there - at the end of the phone - or just down the road if I needed her and now its gone"" the lady that I adored and gave birth to me is gone and i dont know quite what to do without her. Sorry getting a bit too upset now!

revjustaboutlikesvests Fri 16-Jan-09 09:11:08

Sounds like she was a really special lady, ritaan. I'm not sure there is such a thing as getting too upset. In a way it is much better to acknowledge how rough you are feeling now, than to block it out and have it all surface much later. Devastation, disorientation, worry about other famiy members, disbelief at what has happened, extreme tiredness - these are all very common reactions in the early days. Just hang on in there, and remember it IS early days, this process will take a while but it DOES get easier, you will not feel this way for the rest of your life.

mulranno Fri 23-Jan-09 18:16:45

I started counselling with CRUSE today. they come to your home at any time. It was good to try to understand if I am "coping"...the answer is yes I am ....but it is tough... so "coping" is getting through each day even if you feel bad, sad and in pain. I am pleased that things are not so bad because when we were told that her cancer was terminal I just couldnt see how I would be able to even stand up and breath after her death. But here we are, back at work, ticking along with my 4 kids but deflated and flat (on a good day)...seem to switch between finding it all unbelievable or unbearable. I just want to tick over for the next year...I have no plans, ambition, dircetion, aspiration ..I have no interest in anything and cant really imagine feeling joy again

gaynor401 Tue 03-Feb-09 10:37:11

I just lost my mum last week 24th january 2009 to an abdominal aortic anyeursm. It was such a shock. She was 76 and i loved her with all my heart and soul. she was such a special lady and i am so lucky to have had her for a mum. she was so amazingly selfless and totally dedicated her life to me and my four sisters (five girls)whom she adored and us likewise. we also lost our dad five years ago to gall bladder cancer which was diagnosed and he was gone in two weeks but this was far more shocking as it was very sudden. I feel a mixture of emotions every day. One minute i feel okay, the next i can burst into tears for no reason. I have also been very traumatised and had to pull myself together as i had chest pains and couldnt breathe. ive still got chest pains and back pains and i think these are from anxiety and still some breathlessness too. My mums funeral is on thursday this week and i dont know if i will be able to cope but i just have to keep myself calm or i will be very ill i know that. i cannot comprehend a life without my lovely mum and i know that from now on my life will be different but mum i want you to know that there will never be another person like you on this earth, you were so loving and caring i just hope you are with my dad and our billy (my brother) because you deserve to be an angel mum cos u were one on earth. love u for all eternity . your daughter Gaynor xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

georgiemum Tue 03-Feb-09 10:50:31

I am really sorry for you. My mum died unexpectedly in 2006 - it was such a shock, even though she was in hospital (to have her medication checked). I spoke to the matron and she said that the staff were all really suprosed too and even mums doctor rang the hospital to double check. I had spoken to her a couple of days before (we live quite far away) and she was in fine spirits, talking about coming to vists and joking with the 'nice young doctors'. My sister even spoke to the ward sister the day before and asked if she ought to fly up to see her and was told that it wasn't necessary. It was that unexpected. My brother was with her and aparently she said 'that's enough' before she went. She was in a lot of physical pain and never really got over my dad's death in 2001.

It is crap. There will be days when you will pick up the phone to call her, when you want to sit down in the supermarket and yell 'I want my mum!' or 'it's not fair - I can't be an orphan in my 30s' (that was me). But don't let yourself get angry. I did go through a phase of 'why is he/she alive and my mum isn't' when I'd see someone on the news like baby Ps killers. It doesn't help a bit.

I do believe that a little bit of you goes when you lose a loved one (I don't have much left) but the space is filled with your own children and memeories. Yes time does heal but there will still be days, years later, when you find something in a drawer that will make you laugh and cry at the same time. Opening drawers or even books will give off the smell of perfume that will trigger memories and your little ones will see a lady in the street and yell 'grandma!'.

You will get stronger each day and there will be days when you do feel down. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better - your mum would probably tell you off for being so sad (mine would probably give me a whack on the back of the head, call me something charming then go off on a story about one of her mad relatives).

mulranno Thu 12-Feb-09 16:31:13

it just occurred to me the other day that I can keep on loving her, adoring her...and I am trying to divert the pain by telling myself that I can still keep loving her. I also remember that I have had double the time with my mum than my little 19 year old brother. He is lost, we have just finished packing up his home and he has moved in with another sister..he wears her wedding ring and rosary beads...I think that I am trying to reclassify my grief as love...and if it hurts its deep love...also my purpose now is to look after my younger brother. thats all I can do for my lovely mum now.

lindseylou Mon 02-Mar-09 00:57:02

My mum died when i was 13, which is 4 years ago now. I find that as time goes on it gets harder as i begin to miss my mum more and want her here, now i am approaching 18, i want her here to give me advice on men and girly stuff. My dad was never a big part of my life and wasnt very good to my mum, so part of me resents him for that but i know hes the only person i really have left. My mum died from a brain haemorage so was very sudden, i came home from school one afternoon and found her in her bed, so i tried to resuscitate her and rang an ambulance. I lie in bed almost every night asking myself if there was something more i could of done. The docs reassured me there wasnt but it doesnt change the fact i still think it. I have just broken up with my boyfriend and am feeling really insecure, all i want is my mum here to give me a big hug. The thing that hurts the most is knowing she will never see her grandchildren grow up or see me getting married and growing in life. I am filled with so much anger now and find myself pushing away the people who i love and care for the most because im scared they will just leave me in some way. I feel so messed up. I just want my old life back. I want my mum, my best friend back.

Love to all of you who have lost there mum or dad. lindsey x

porcupine11 Mon 02-Mar-09 14:06:19

I was glad to find this thread as it's hard to talk about my mum, even though it's almost two years since she died. i like to talk about her, but most people go quiet when i say she's died, and it's still early days to talk to my sisters about her, as we end up upsetting each other too much.

mum was my best friend too, so much so that we went travelling around the world together for half a year when i was 53 and i was 24. She was only 56 when she died, and shockingly it was just 13 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. The following year I had my ds who is now 5 months. I thought that having a baby would help by giving me something to focus on, but it was like I started the grieving 'process' all over again from the day he was born. It's so bitterly, bitterly unfair that she can't ever meet him - I look at him and think you're the most amazing thing that's happened to me and mum can't even see you. he has her eyes exactly, sometimes it takes my breath away when I look at them, it's like looking into mum's eyes again. i still love her so much and i'm so pleased when i find myself instinctively doing things with my baby that she did with my sisters and me. i also never fully appreciated until now what a huge and impossible job it must have been bringing three daughters up on her own - when my father left mum on her own, we were aged 3, 1, and 6 months old. it makes me feel guilty every time i'm stressed looking after one baby with my husband to support me.

i'm very angry at the moment, and i think i take it out on my parents-in-law. it's not fair of me but i keep thinking it's unfair they should spend time with MY baby when my own mum can't. i want to work out how i can make mum a part of my baby's life in some way in the future, so he thinks of her as a grandparent too.

Clarabelle76 Tue 03-Mar-09 06:29:21

I too am glad I've found this thread. I lost my mum suddenly on the 30th January this year. My husband and I had just got married six days before. She was only 62 and we still don't know what happened. Mum had been with us here in Perth and had flown back to Adelaide on the Monday after the wedding (four days before she died). It is believed that she passed away on the Friday 3oth but her body wasn't found until the Monday after. She had her dog with her and the neighbours had been knocking on her door all weekend but as the dog didn't bark they thought she was still away. They eventually got in to the house on the Monday and found her. She was in bed and apparently it looked like she had gone to sleep and just not woken up. The dog had been 'looking after' her all that time and knew her job was done when the neighbours arrived. I just feel so numb. I spent the first 3 weeks crying solidly but now I'm just numb. It just doesn't feel real.

I also feel so guilty as I should have 'known' something was up as she didn't make contact that weekend. I wish she had stayed with us in Perth after the wedding so we could have helped had she become ill suddenly. The PM hasn't identified a reason as yet however a number of people suspect a blood clot. I just feel so ripped off (for her and for me). My mum was so lovely and although we'd not lived near one another for 10 years or so we were so very close.

I have the wonderful memories of her being at our wedding as well as my brother being there too (he lives in England where we grew up). Mum, my brother and I hadn't shared the same space for nearly 11 years so we had some very special times just before she passed away.

We brought her beloved dog Shelli back to Perth with us and she's doing good. She's a real comfort as was my mum's companion for the past 13 years.

It really makes you 'grow up' as well losing a parent. I'm not close to my dad so me is pretty much it. It makes me want to have a baby even more now.

I wish you all best wishes, strength and love as it is so difficult when a parent passes on.

softcop Tue 03-Mar-09 22:15:28

My mum died this morning suddenly, I got a phone call at 06.55 form my brother just as I was off to work. I dont know what I will do, I loved her but never told her enough

Clarabelle76 Wed 04-Mar-09 00:11:14

Hi Softcop

I'm so sorry about your mum. I think I know how you are feeling as the shock is just so overwhelming. Have you got someone with you to support you?

I feel the same. I loved my mum but don't think I said it enough. She was the one always ringing me and wanting a 'chat'. How I long for one of those phone calls now so I can tell her exactly how much I love her.

I've been writing a journal and writing letters to my mum to tell her how I feel. Sometimes it's good to get it written down.

My thoughts are with you, Clarabelle

FionaHen Sat 07-Mar-09 10:35:02

My Mum (Age 70 years old),sadly passed away on new years day 2009. She had been battling cancer for 30 years, breast cancer, lung cancer and cancer of the spine, she didn't let it get her down, she was an inspiration to me and others. The cancer was under control with all the medication she took, then on monday 22nd december 09 she had a stroke, we all thought she would pull through but she didn't have enough fight in her,I stayed in the hospital with her as i knew she would be so scared, My dad & i where with her when she passed away. On the day of mums funeral i can't remember much everything was such a daze. I miss her so much, i just want my mum back.

tetshira Mon 09-Mar-09 23:54:32

My mum died at the end of Jan. She had cancer but was having chemo so we though she was doing ok. She went into hospital on Saturday and died the following Wednesday. I was at work and received a call from the hospital to come in. Like FionaHen I too just want my mum back. I look at people and think "Why are you alive you are much older than my mum."
I have always lived with my parents.

mulranno Tue 10-Mar-09 19:24:21

We lost our Mum sudennlyand traumatically to cancer in October. The whole mothers day bit is really hard. This will be my first one without her and although I saw her most days...I didnt see her last year on mothers day. I had anticipated that the day would be hard so I will go to ireland with my sisters to vivt her grave.

FionaHen Wed 11-Mar-09 14:07:09

Hi tetshira, I am so sorry to hear about your mum and I can honestly say I know what your going through. Life isn't fair thatz why you have to make the most of it, I'm guessing you are a lot younger than me. I'm 42 this year have a son Graham age 20 years & Jordan age 11, am also a Gran of a two, James age 2 & Chloe age 12 weeks. My Mum was such a devoted Gran & Great Gran. She would be so proud of me looking after my boys & grandchildren, just like your mum will be so proud of you. You sound if you are still in shock that your mum has gone, I am the exact same i can't believe i will never see her wee smile again, i can't bring myself to drive past her wee house that she used to stay in, but today was the first i visited mum's grave since her funeral which was 13th January. I have been avoiding going out just incase people asked me how i was, i'm bursting into tears at the least wee thing, I take it i'm going through the grief,I don't want to feel like this i know my wee mum wouldn't want me to be this way. Do you visit you mum's grave if you do talk to her, How is your dad keeping do you talk to him about your mum? U know where I am if you need to talk. Take Care tetshira.
FionaHen x

tetshira Wed 11-Mar-09 21:40:51

Dear FionaHen you are so right. I feel that I am in a nightmare and that Mum will walk in the door and all will be right. I have read about grief and know I will have ups and downs but it is so hard. We don't have a grave yet - it one of the many things we have to organise. Dad is absolutely heartbroken. They did everything together and had for nearly 50 years. He is 69 this year and suddenly there is a huge gap in his life. Everytime he has broken down I have tried to be there, to hold and confort him as much as I can. But I am now back at work and so worry about his days when he is alone. Mobiles are not an option as he hates them and won't learn how to use his.
Tonight he said he wants to go away at the weekend to visit a friend for sunday lunch then have a few days on his own. Should I be worried? my brother says no let him go but I don't know what to say. I don't want him to go as I know he has nowhere to stay but I also don't know if its good for him.
I am 38 but feel too young to understand my life - I just want to curl up and have it all go away.

FionaHen Thu 12-Mar-09 11:34:43

Dear tetshira, my heart goes out to you, your dad and your brother.Your mum & dad sounds that they where so devoted to one another (thats special 50 years amazing).
My dad is 75 this year, mum & dad where actually seperated for nearly 10 years but they still spoke to one another and visited each other often, my dad also is heartbroken, it was my dad who found mum on the day she had a stroke, he was on the phone to her and knew there was something wrong.
I'm thinking once you have grave/headstone organised then it may help & comfort your dad a wee bit more as he can visit your mum. My mums headstone isn't ready yet but i think once its up, it will be a lot reassuring for me. Your dad is so lucky to have you & your brother, you both are a wonderful memory of what your mum & dad had together. As far as your dad going away to friends for weekend, I would't worry, i also agree with you brother it maybe good for him,to get away as sometimes speaking to a friend or even a stranger is a lot easier & will help as everytime he may speak about your mum to you he gets upset & the you get upset. It helps me by remembering all the happy memories of mum. Don't worry toooooo much & take care. you know where i am. Fiona Hen x

tetshira Thu 12-Mar-09 23:46:28

Thank you fiona Hen I do find it such a confort to talk to you and others on this site. I am ok at work as my collegues all look after me (even if I did make them all cry the other day). It is at night that I seem to fall apart. I am trying to concentrate on all the happy memories and work on what Mum would have said and wanted. I think you are right about the weekend but keep thinking of him sitting on his own in a hotel room. I know its only for 3 nights but I do worry. Its probably just me. Thanks again Tetshira x

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