Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

(1000 Posts)
mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 12:47:05

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 12-Sep-13 09:49:36

Sorry to here about your loss vlad truly. On the loss of My mum 3 years ago now, I feel like my loss does not count. Everything centres on my sisters grief. Since we are two sisters she was crying the most so she was comforted. In my culture the one who cries the most supposedly lobves their parent the most. I often think is this some sort of competition it's so vulgar. I like to visit my mums grave alone and grieve her alone, that's just my character. It doesn't mean I love her any less.

dad is totally lost without my mum. He used to keep active in the house doing chores with her cooking cleaning gardening. Since her death he spends his days lying on the sofa snoozing or watching tv. Hs developed a phobia and refuses to go out or even speak to posty or anyone at the door. He doesn't initiate conversations either its like trying to get blood out of a stone. It's coming from a hobby domineering man I feel like crying whenever I see him. It's like I've lost both parents.

poppyXsmile Thu 12-Sep-13 12:17:34

Hi everyone

I am very sorry for your losses. I hope we can help each other by listening to each other.

My mum died in January of this year. I had an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago. My husband and I moved in with my dad since he doesn't keep well and we wanted to be nearer my mum's side of the family....... none of my mum's side of the family speak to me or my dad now (over a ridiculous situation..........sometimes you see people's true colours when someone dies, and it is best to go your separate ways). So my dad has now put his house up for sale for me, my dad and my husband to move away from my mum's side of the family and start over somewhere new...........

I miss my mum so much! However I know she is around me all the time, and I have her strength and love. I now find myself 10 weeks pregnant........I had a miscarriage last year and an ectopic a few months ago, so I am nervous about this pregnancy.

I feel for you all as your life changes so much when someone you love passes away.

xxxxx

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:19:49

justanuther poor you and your poor poor dad. It's all so very sad.
People can't see the silent tears we all have , feel the ache in our hearts and know that we all feel like lost souls.why do they have to see the tears to feel that we are in pain ?
ssd don't think I could do that, but thankyou for thinking like that.but I am lucky that I have always been a good listener. I did consider training to be a counsellor at one time, but discounted it. Not going to do it now. But if I can help someone now and then. That's enough for me.
badvoc it's hard looking after kids when they are poorly isn't it, I am not the most patient of people and I would be full of sympathy for the first couple of days, then as they recovered my patience used to wear very thin !
vlad I think that some people think its only the wife or husband who grieve ! It was a similar thing when my sister died, us siblings were just expected to get on as though nothing had happened.
For everyone on this thread thanks

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:26:21

Hello poppy yes you are correct in saying you see people's true colours when a death occurs.i myself refuse now to speak to my next door neighbour because he didnt even have the decency to acknowledge my mums death despite knowing her for over twenty years and knitting for his dd when his wife went off! I am like an elephant and never forget !
I hope that the plans you have to move away will go some way to easing the problems with difficult family.
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage but happy to see you are now pregnant again
We have on this thread been able to support each other for a long while now, this is the third thread and I do not know what it would of been like to not of had all these lovely people to share things with.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:27:50

Hello poppy yes you are correct in saying you see people's true colours when a death occurs.i myself refuse now to speak to my next door neighbour because he didnt even have the decency to acknowledge my mums death despite knowing her for over twenty years and knitting for his dd when his wife went off! I am like an elephant and never forget !
I hope that the plans you have to move away will go some way to easing the problems with difficult family.
Sorry to hear about your ectopic but happy to see you are now pregnant again
We have on this thread been able to support each other for a long while now, this is the third thread and I do not know what it would of been like to not of had all these lovely people to share things with.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 12:28:17

Oops !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 13:14:34

Just...that is so sad about your dad. My mum is totally dependant on me and my sister. It scares me.
Poppy...many congrats on your pg. I had mc too and with ds2 I don't think I really believed all would be well til I held him in my arms! smile
My brother is showing his true colours. Sometimes he doesn't go to see mum for days. He works shifts and lives closer than me. He had 4 days off last week and never came near...sad before dad died they were always up at mums. But then again dads hand was always in his wallet so....they perhaps don't think it's worth their whole now sad angry
Although to be fair other people have been so kind...sending cards, phoning, popping in to see mum.
Ds2 and I are currently in bed. I am on MN and he is playing minecraft. I am a truly useless mother ATM...all I do is out a DVD on or give them their iPads sad
I want to go and see mum but ds2 is refusing to get dressed!
We have decided on having a tree with a plaque instead of a bench in dads memory.
I feel so grey, like there is nothing to look forward to. Have finally got round to ordering the food for ds2s birthday tea. Just need some party poppers, balloons and cake now!

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 14:00:18

Well.
I've done it.
I have made an official clinical negligence complaint against the gp surgery that saw dad the night before he died.
At least I feel like I am doing something

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 14:21:17

I didn't realise that you were unhappy with the docs * badvoc* good for you at doing something about it. At least you will be able to find out what went wrong . Is it your dads family docs you have the problem with ?

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 14:24:37

Yes.
He attended at 4.30pm the evening before he died complaining of left sided arm pain of 3'days duration and indigestion. My dad never went to the dr. Ever.
By 3pm next day he was dead from a massive heart attack.
I think it's a clear case of clinical negligence.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 15:23:46

Oh dear that's horribleness, I have actually heard of a similar thing happening to someone I knew. He had been to docs in the morning .and diedin the afternoon. Only in his late 30,s . I hope they will do a thou rough investigation for you.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 15:24:36

Don't know where that word came from horribleness !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 15:50:45

Just told my brother and he stormed out of mums house! sad
Mum is tortured by what ifs.
And so am I.
Do you know what happened in the case you mentioned Lin? Did the family get answers?

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 16:41:37

I don't know badvoc. Ii was someone I worked with her partner died and she left work then so I, don't know about that.i also could torture myself with the what ifs, what if there has been a consultant on duty. What if it had been in the week and not the weekend when they are not many staff , what if they had put a stent In for mum instead of saying they would do that on Monday, it's awful thinking like that. I think we all have what ifs. It is something that most if us will never know and it won't actually make things any different now. I'm not sure how I would feel if it was proved that they could of saved my mum . To be honest I think now I would probably feel even worse.
But if you feel you have legitimate grievance then you are doing what is right for you, what did your mum think about doing this ?
Everyone's circumstances are different and you have to investigate if you ae troubled by this.
It's a shame about your brother. But he will have to deal with that himself .

waterlego Thu 12-Sep-13 17:07:56

Hello everyone. Thanks for the new thread mummylin smile

justanuther That's very sad about your dad, it must be very hard to see sad

Badvoc Well done for putting your complaint in- it sounds to me as though you certainly have grounds to complain. Some classic heart attack signs there, and a man who hardly ever needs to see the Dr- I would have thought the GP would have seen the causes for concern there and investigated properly. Good luck with it.

ssd I agree with you re mummylin smile

Hello * Poppy* I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and of your miscarriage. Congratulations on your pregnancy, must be so worrying for you, but I'm so glad you feel the presence of your mum with you.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 17:14:14

It's a tricky one.
It won't bring dad back.
But....
If it means they have a full proceedure review it may save anther family going though this.
And that - for me - would be worth the upset.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 17:44:21

You have to do this badvoc if that is what you feel is right. I hope you get the answers you are looking for and it will you help you with what has happened. As you say. Maybe it will stop the same thing happening to others. Good luck with it all, will be interesting to see what they come up with. Don't worry about your brother, he is an adult and can look after himself . Hope you hear soon
waterlego I am not clever enough for that !

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 17:51:12

Thanks Lin.
My aunt has been told she has "probable lung cancer" and has to go back next week for a biopsy.
What a bloody week sad

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:22:49

Oh my god, is this bad time ever going to end for your family, poor lady

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 19:33:40

Apparently not...my dsis had been dx as diabetic today and her BP is dangerously high sad
I feel totally overwhelmed.

ssd Thu 12-Sep-13 19:47:03

oh badvoc I'm sorry sad. you are having it so tough. wish I could give you a hug xxx

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 19:48:04

This is just unbelievable. Surely there can't be anything else round the corner. Does your sis have type 1 or 2 ? I think ( but not sure ) that its type 1 that needs daily insulin. She will have to look after herself, as do you too

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 19:51:21

Type 2 so she is on tablets. Better than type 1 at least.
You just couldn't make it up, could you?
Sorry to whinge.
It's all I seem to so lately.
Thanks for listening.

mummylin Thu 12-Sep-13 20:41:20

It's not surprising badvoc. You have had so much bad news in the last two months. You must be reeling from it all. Do look after yourself or you will end up ill

Marshy Thu 12-Sep-13 20:49:51

Hi all
Here a bit late today to say hello as have been back go work today. Got in early and so also home early but just slept as feeling exhausted.

Dc were both occupied sp took the chance for a bit of a heart to heart with dh about what Monday might bring and how we are going to cope if the news isn't good. I think 'just get on with it and remember the good things' probably sums it up! Was good to be able to air my worries though and face up to the worse case. For once I am glad that my mum isn't here so I don't have to give her this worry.
Badvoc so sorry for all your troubles and hope you get some quieter times soon

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