Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

(256 Posts)
kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:17:22

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

Nodney Sat 01-Jun-13 02:18:32

So sorry Kansas. Wishing you and your Dad a hug x

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 02:21:14

It's a hard but very special time Kansas. I hope you find some peace together. I'm thinking of you and praying for comfort and strength.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:21:33

Stupid phone - posted too soon.
Dad has chronic lung condition too so tonight has spent all night trying to cough. No nurse available tonight so I'm here. This is just so hardsad I'm a nurse and have seen many people die but this is so so hard.
I don't want him to die but this is just awful. He can't cough enough to clear his chest so sounds awful.
I wish this was over for him- its breaking my hearthmm

Homebird8 Sat 01-Jun-13 02:24:44

Is he at home Kansasmum? The discomfort is hard to bear for our loved ones. Is there a sedative available to reduce his discomfort? I know that helped my mum at the end. She died from lung issues associated with the side effects of chemo treatment for cancer. Watching someone struggle for breath is hard. My heart goes out to you. Big hand hold for you tonight.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:28:25

I have Oramorph for him but he's not in pain and it doesn't help with his struggling to cough/ breath.
So glad he's home and not in pain but this is like slow torture.

WhatSheSaid Sat 01-Jun-13 02:29:35

Thinking of you kansasmum. I was with my dad when he died - I was holding one of his hands and my mum was holding the other one. Although it was hard at the time, it gives me immense comfort now that I was with him when he died - I hope it gave him some comfort too.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:33:51

Whatshesaid- that's what keeps me going knowing its helping him. I've been the strong one all through this for my mum and sister cos I'm a nurse and that's what I do but at 2am when it's just me and him- my heart hurts.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 02:35:49

Oh I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It must be so painful. He will be aware of everything you say (as you know.) why not spend some time talking about happy memories you have together. It will help comfort you both. Sending a hug through the net to you both.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:41:00

Thanks - I have been talking to him a little. He's confused now too bless him and had just told me that it might take me a while to sort out the buses!!!
A lot of the time now he can't say much but hearing this did make me smile!

PariahHairy Sat 01-Jun-13 02:41:55

Does hyoscine not help with coughs/mucus? I remember this from working on a ward with dying people and also my Mum dying.

I empathise with the being alone thing, I was with my Mum overnight the first night She was out of hospital after learning She had terminal cancer. She was in a lot of pain and still throwing up a lot sad.

I did manage by contacting the ooh Dr to get her sorted, but it basically took the GP to come to the house on her own time, the GP then raised merry hell with the nurses etc and prescribed pumps/the right drugs etc.

Poor Mum ended up in a hospice not long after, where she died sad, but at least She was not in pain/discomfort.

I wouldn't have thought oramorph is enough for a dying patient, please ensure he has sufficient drugs.

So sorry for both you and your Dad btw, horrible situation.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:47:47

He has other meds available but he's not in pain and the coughing is due to a lung condition. Hyoscine is an option but we'd need to switch to syringe driver - will probably do this tmw. Will call hospice team in the morning.
He's a little more settled now. Hope it lasts.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 02:48:24

Oh bless him!! I hope you sort his buses out ok!! Keep up the chatting, sure he will be taking it all in. You sound very close to him. I have lost two loved ones in a similar way. It's awful to see them struggle but its also an honour to spend the last moments with someone. You should be proud of your strength to be able to do this.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 02:55:11

Ok now he wants me to turn the lights on so I can find all the ashtrays and empty them! Talk about bittersweet humour. Poor man I wish he could sleep.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 03:11:13

Well he's certainly doing his bit to try and keep you entertained anyway. Does he have any favourite music you can play to soothe him a bit? Apologies if I zonk out.

Can we have a tag team of through the night BF'ers to keep up Kansas' spirits please?

I hope you both get a peaceful night. It'll be a huge comfort having your presence.

Trumpton Sat 01-Jun-13 03:21:20

I remember being court Martialled by my dad during one very long night. [Smile] But also have wonderful comforting memories of our time spent together during his last days. The syringe driver was a great help to him.

It is such a special thing to be able to do for those who did so much for us when we were small. Part of the circle of life.

Wishing you and your dad a calm night and get those ashtrays emptied !

Am so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died from pulmonary fibrosis. I spent many a time just sitting with him, keeping him company,helping him etc. it was heartbreaking watching him struggle to breath.

He is lucky to have you there but it is very hard on you. Hope he settles and you both get some rest flowers

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 03:55:54

He's more settled now and sleeping - hope it lasts for a couple of hours.
Off to empty the ashtrays!!!

ratbagcatbag Sat 01-Jun-13 04:27:37

Morning Kansas, hope now your dad is asleep you're managing a quick hour too. X

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 05:50:12

I've managed about an hour- dad has been sleeping for a couple of hours now.

Having spent their last hours with both my parents as they were dying, with dad first, when I was 19 then, years later, with mum I can honestly say I had never felt closer to them.

I felt "there for them" and grateful, seems the wrong word, but I know what I mean, to be given the honor.

They were both at home, it was were they wanted to be and while I would dearly have loved them to have been with us longer I know they died peacefully.

God Bless kansasmum x

foofooyeah Sat 01-Jun-13 06:47:19

Just wanted to send you some strength Kansas - have been where you are and its very tough.

kansasmum Sat 01-Jun-13 07:59:39

Thank you all for your support. Day carers are coming soon so I will go home and shower etc. I've got to make my niece's birthday cake today then I will come back later.
Dad really struggling to swallow anything nowsad
Very difficult to watch him struggling.
But on we go because we must.

fackinell Sat 01-Jun-13 09:47:50

Your dad was the first person I thought of this morning when I woke, Kansas!! Have you support from Macmillan too? They could maybe help you out.

Hope he gets some rest and you have a good as day as possible.

Rosa Sat 01-Jun-13 09:57:27

No words just thoughts for you , your dad and family and friends..

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