'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(804 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

SWIMTHECHANNEL Tue 21-Oct-14 18:09:15

I'm very conscious that the 24th is approaching, Cup. I know it will be brutally hard for you and I wish there was something we could do, besides assure you that Beatrice Primrose is not forgotten.

(was Carole Service)

Itsfab Mon 06-Oct-14 16:59:24

How lovely you have MrCup home and Albert sounds a total delight, as you all are.

fhdl34 Wed 24-Sep-14 15:00:41

I am so pleased your husband has come back, I hope things work out. I imagine it is so natural to fear you will lose Albert after everything you've been through. I think it is a fear that resonates with every parent in some way, but obviously much deeper when you have already lost a child. You made many happy memories with Bea, I'm sure you are doing the same with Albert too.

Almostfifty Tue 16-Sep-14 21:37:37

I remember your posts then so well Cup. I can't believe it's three years since you started that journey.

I've been thinking of you and your lovely family.

Thinking of you x

Trumpton Tue 16-Sep-14 17:26:29

Oh three years ago your wonderful butterfly entered your life for such a bitter sweet time.
My thoughts are with you all.

Antiopa12 Tue 16-Sep-14 16:12:36

Hope you get through today despite bittersweet memories.
Bea was a beautiful baby and so loved by her family.

stareatthetvscreen Tue 16-Sep-14 14:10:07

xx sending a hug on beas birthday xx

was here at the time and followed your journey together xx

so happy to hear how your life is now smile

SWIMTHECHANNEL Tue 16-Sep-14 14:00:02

Thinking of you all, Cup, and especially Bea.

We all learned from her.

xxxxx

3 years ago today my whole life changed when you were born, Beatrice. I can't thank you enough for the memories, and for the lessons you taught me. I'll never forget you, as long as I live.

How I wish today was different.

pixiestix Wed 10-Sep-14 16:26:05

I was thinking of beautiful Beatrice today, with her birthday on the horizon, and came across your news. Congratulations!! How lovely to have a little boy to add to the teaset. I'm sure Beatrice is very happy and proud of her little brother. Thinking of you Cup, especially at the time of year. Xx

Cup, I think it is the most natural thing in the world to worry about losing Albert after losing Bea. It is natural for any new mummy to worry but with you it will be magnified.
Do you have anyone you can talk to when the fears get too strong? I don't know if you've had counselling or if that is something you would consider? Do you and DH talk things through?
How are the girls? It must be so bitter sweet to have a baby again, to see them interacting with him. I think you need to give yourself time to process all the complicated emotions. Keep posting on here if it helps xxxx

SWIMTHECHANNEL Sun 07-Sep-14 14:53:06

Oh Cup sad

I have no magic words for you, but I didn't want this to go unanswered.

All I can offer are (((( ))))

Thank you everyone. Killa congratulations on the birth of your little one too- you are right, it is bringing back many memories.

I remember holding her and just suffering the agony of knowing I couldn't keep her. It felt unbelievable then, it feels unbelievable now. Knowing I would lose her, was the cruelest thing, now I just have a terrible fear that I will lose Albert too.

ComradePlexiglass Wed 03-Sep-14 06:46:22

Congratulations on Albert and lovely that he has similar eyes to Bea. He looks amazing and so do your lovely girls. Grief can be so hard on relationships but I really hope you and your husband can both enjoy your new boy.

Stuffofawesome Wed 03-Sep-14 06:33:47

Glad to hear your news. All the best to your family.

Dear Cup, congratulations on the birth of your son Albert thanks such lovely news xx

Am so pleased to hear DH is back home where he belongs and you're working through things. Sending you and the teaset lots of love.

Beatrice is never forgotten, I often think of her when I spend time with DS1 (we were on the same antenatal thread together I was LittlePebble then). DS2 is 13 weeks and it brings back so many memories doesn't it? I hope you can enjoy remembering Beatrice and that the pain isn't overwhelming. Xx

Trumpton Wed 03-Sep-14 05:33:59

So pleased to have a catch up from you. Albert has bought much love with him .
I think of you and your family often and wish you all happiness .

Almostfifty Tue 02-Sep-14 11:54:12

Oh Cup, he's gorgeous. Your girls look very happy there.

I'm so glad to hear your news. I hope things work out.

saffronwblue Tue 02-Sep-14 11:48:00

Cup your little boy is absolutely lovely. You must be missing Bea very much as you hold him in your arms.
I hope you and DH can work it all out. I am glad he is home.

SWIMTHECHANNEL Mon 01-Sep-14 11:59:19

They're so beautiful, Cup, all of them.

I'm in awe of your strength and articulacy.

(I was Mumsnut)

Rainicorn Mon 01-Sep-14 00:34:45

Congratulations Cup. Albert is just gorgeous, and my how big your older two girls are getting! Thank you for sharing. It was also lovely revisiting photos of Bea, beautiful Bea. She always looked like she was smiling.

I'm pleased to read your DH has come home and you're working things through.

Be kind to yourself x

LatteLoverLovesLattes Mon 01-Sep-14 00:15:55

I'm pleased to report that dh has come home and we are working things out

Oh Cup, that's the best news I've heard in ages! smile I really, really hope you two can work it out so that you are both as happy as you possibly can be. Relationships are hard enough without everything you have been through with Bea and then your grief.

The photos are lovely - he's a little cutie isn't he and the girls are getting so big! They are as gorgeous as ever. It is hard to see the three of them together and know there should be four, if I find it hard, I can't begin to imagine how that must feel for you x

That wee girl of yours touched so many hearts, she will never be forgotten.

Bea did indeed have a lot of clothes - and they are only the ones you told us about or showed us photos of... the tip of the ice berg I imagine!! You have been very brave to give her clothes away, but you are right, it is lovely to see them being used and not stored away. You are also brave using the nappy bag, I don't think I could have managed that.

Bea was a brave wee thing, but she knew you were there, she knew she was loved by you all. She had a very short and a very difficult life for the most part, but she had so so much love. She couldn't help but know how proud of her you are smile

I think you are very brave to have had Albert, it's not an easy position to put yourself in.

Grief is draining & relentless, having a new baby is exhausting & relentless, let alone two big girls as well. I hope you are looking after you in all of this and that you and DH are able to look after each other brew cake

Love & strength
x

Oh, and I think I've uploaded some new photos- I hope it's worked as I'm on my phone.

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. Albert is 8 weeks tomorrow and life is returning to 'normal'. I'm pleased to report that dh has come home and we are working things out. I'm so pleased, I hope things continue to go well for us.

Having Albert had helped my grieving in some small part. I've finally sorted out Beatrice's beautiful clothes (and my goodness, what a lot of clothes she had!) and given them away to my niece and a friend's dd. I did manage to save some of the more unisex bandana bibs, and Albert can wear these now. I love seeing her things in use, rather than stored away in boxes gathering dust. I've also had to empty her changing bag so I could use it for Albert. It was so strange seeing all the things in it from its last use. It reminded me of how different life was was her. Her physical needs were so vast.

But when Albert fusses and cries, like all babies, I remember with great sadness how Beatrice never cried. For all the hardships she faced, and the interventions she underwent, she never cried. She'd stare at me with her vulnerable eyes and she trusted me; that whatever procedure she needed to undergo was for the best. She was so brave and so calm. I miss the serenity of just holding her. She couldn't move to wriggle away, or pull faces, or babble or giggle- all things I can and will enjoy with Albert- but she expressed herself in ways I can't even describe. Some days are easier, other days the pain of her absence is overwhelming. How I miss my gorgeous girl. How incredibly proud I am of her. I hope she knows.

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