'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(836 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

FiftyShadesOfSporn Thu 17-Sep-15 21:26:34

I hope you got through yesterday ok, Cup x

pannetone Mon 27-Apr-15 18:32:13

Remembering Beatrice cup and thinking of all the teaset. I am glad you able to think of how Beatrice and your little boy would be with each other. She is still with you in so many ways.

Justusemyname Sun 12-Apr-15 19:17:22

How was the gymnastic competition, cup?

Doggygirl Thu 09-Apr-15 12:49:38

Beatrice was beautiful.

Dd2's tummy is much better now thank you smile the GP said it was masenteric adenitis (sp), but once it was so prolonged, I realised it was more of an anxiety issue. I spoke to the siblings counsellor at the hospice and she agreed it sounded like a separation anxiety.
We've dealt with it as best we could, and I'm happy to report that she seems much happier. She's competing in a regional gymnastics competition on Saturday, so fingers crossed she's feeling brave.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 31-Mar-15 12:00:16

Also hoping that your DD2's tummy is sorted now - what did it turn out to be, did they ever find out?

I love the idea that Beatrice visits her baby brother, and the rest of you. I'm sure she does.

Justusemyname Sun 22-Mar-15 18:59:04

I haven't seen a post from you for ages, cup, and then yesterday I was thinking of you and today there is a new message from you. I hope it comforts you that strangers still think of Beatrice Primrose and all your family.

Is DD2's tummy better now?

I've been thinking about you so much, Beatrice. I had a very vivid dream about you the other night and it was very welcome because you haven't visited my dreams in such a long time. It felt very special to hold you in my arms again, even if your oxygen cannula kept popping out of your nose, causing problems!

Your brother is getting so big. He can be quite rough when he grabs things- If you were still here, we'd have to keep him far away from your feeding tube, or he'd pull it out of your nose in an instance. I think you'd love him though, because he makes some good loud noises. I think he'd love you, too. He smiles at everyone, he's still giving your share of smiles, as well as his. It would be so wonderful to have you both here together, but I often think you visit him, as he smiles into the air without us seeing what it it is that has captured his attention. I hope you visit us all.

Thumbwitch Fri 13-Feb-15 08:13:37

Hope DD2 is better now, Cup - it must be terrifying. sad I have enough Fear about my boys getting seriously ill, it must be so much worse when you've already had the worst thing happen to one of your children thanks

I think you're right that it's best not know what will happen; we'd forget to live in the moment while waiting for the blows to fall. sad

Trumpton Fri 23-Jan-15 20:02:38

I do hope Dd2 feels better soon and that returning to work goes well. I think of the Teaset often.

It's so hard some days without my littlest girl. It's my birthday today and I was given flowers; I'll take a share of them to her garden tomorrow.

Dd2 has been poorly since before Christmas with unexplained tummy pains. I can't be reasonable about it, I am panicking I'll somehow lose her too. And I don't want to leave ds to go back to work.

I'm feeling rather fragile in fact. I sometimes wish I could look into the future to see that it all worked out ok; but then given the past, it's probably best we can't see how bad things might be x

Trumpton Sun 28-Dec-14 13:46:21

I am thinking of you all at this time, how Bea would have loved the lights.
Always in my thoughts.

Yes, you were all robbed and it's not at all fair sad

Wishing you a peaceful and as happy a Christmas time as possible - enjoying the children you've got while always missing Beatrice and her smiles.

Tonight dd1 began playing with a little girl at gymnastics who was about 3. She set up a little ball game for her, and they were both smiling and enjoying themselves. Dd said to me afterwards that she likes playing with little ones, it's fun. She should have Beatrice to play with. She was so helpful with her medicines and care, and so loving with cuddles and kisses. She should have been able to play games and laugh with her sister, too. We were all robbed.

I had a wobble in Sainsburys yesterday because I saw a beautiful red believer dress that I thought Beatrice would look perfect in. Then I remembered I couldn't buy it, she could never wear it. It's hard.

On the upside, I am enjoying watching ds taking in the Christmas lights- he smiles all the time. Dh says he is giving us Beatrice's share of smiles, too. I hope so.

Antiopa12 Sat 06-Dec-14 13:49:13

cup you are an amazing mother. Beatrice was blessed that she had you as her mum, you loved her so much and did everything you could for her. It's understandable to want to have a few more precious moments with her, just to hold her. I was in absolute awe at what you managed to do with Beatrice.

CaroleService Fri 05-Dec-14 12:15:36

Oh Cup ((((((( )))))))

pannetone Thu 27-Nov-14 23:21:26

I wish you could too cup flowers.

I'm feeling so low Beatrice. I wish I could have one of your uncomplicated cuddles. I wish I could turn back the clock and hold you tightly, give your head a kiss, hold your clenched fist in my hand.
I'm so sad without you little girl.

pannetone Tue 28-Oct-14 22:44:45

Remembering Beatrice and thinking of you all. flowers

Trumpton Sat 25-Oct-14 22:26:42

I lit my butterfly candle for Bea yesterday . She is so often in my thoughts.
A small pink hat, a heartfelt poem , a candle lit in a darkening room. Never forgotten . Beautiful Bea . X

Thinking of you today cup.

You and Beatrice are often in my thoughts x

bumpybecky Fri 24-Oct-14 21:34:53

thinking of you today Cup flowers

Rowgtfc72 Fri 24-Oct-14 21:25:00

Thinking of you and your family today cup.

CaffeineDeficit Fri 24-Oct-14 17:03:32

Cup, thinking of you and your family today. Please know that your beautiful girl will influence many people's lives, and their understanding of the importance of love, for ever.

cup, I am so pleased for you to read that the Teaset has Mrcup back. I do so hope you can be work it all out together.

Bea is often on my mind - I don't think anyone who has seen those amazing eyes would be able to forget her in her hurry.

You will always be Bea's mum and she your daughter, and the world is a poorer place without her.

Continue to enjoy Albert and all his typical baby behaviours thanks

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