Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:
'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.
When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:
"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world. But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."
I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.
I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.
Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x
I don't know if you remember me but I've followed your threads about Bea from the start, sometimes posting. I have been under a name change for a while but I've just logged back in under my old name to say hi.
I am still here and thinking of you and Bea. I just wanted you to know that. I have some things happening in rl which make it hard to come over to this part of mn for me at the moment, and I'm sorry I haven't posted here as much as I would like because if that.
Anyway, just wanted make contact, to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could do more. I'm so sorry you are facing this terrible grief. Your beautiful girl could not have been more loved and treasured. I will never understand the part of life that separates us from our children, the older I get the less sense life makes altogether.
7 months tomorrow. How is that even possible? I still hope to see her when I wake up. Of course, she's never there and the loss hits a raw nerve all over again. I wish I could have her back, my life was so complete with her in it; I'd love the chance to go back and appreciate each day one more time. My darling girl, my best ever gift, my most painful loss.
Just to say that I am thinking of you. The moon is full tonight and I am part of the wide awake club. You know that you did appreciate every day you had with Bea the Beautiful ,that every day was a day filled with love. She will always be part of your lovely family ,a special little butterfly .
I hope you don't mind me posting but I was just thinking about you. I'm never sure how to express this sort of thing but today I have thought of wonderful, beautiful Bea. I am sending love to you and your family. Lili x
I don't post often because I don't know what to say, but I have your thread on my watch list and every few days I look at your pictures of Bea. She has such beautiful chubby cheeks and her eyes - You can just tell she was an wise soul, I imagine she loved you reading to her and she was quite the little fashionista!
Thank you, all. I'm still here, although less frequently. Life is keeping me busy, well, I'm making myself busy to avoid too much thinking time. Today is dd1's birthday, last week was dd2's. It's hard, knowing that when she died, they were 7 and 5, now they are 8 and 6. Time moves on, unrelenting. I hate that time passes so quickly, it just steals her further away. I think of her often at night time, and I can't help seeing her last few hours replaying in my mind. I often think if I could have done more to save her. I'm filled with dreadful guilt that I hadn't realised she was at the end of her life. I should have accepted that she was getting worse rather than remaining optimistic and hopeful she would, 'pull a Bea' and miraculously get better again. I ache to hold her and tell her how sorry I am she went away.
Just popped into your thread to see how you are ,my lovely. Yes, time moves on but your love for Bea remains a permanent part of your life. No mother could have done more or bought such comfort and joy into a baby's life. I hope your nights become more settled, I often send thoughts winging your way in the wee small hours of the night.