parents whom do positive parenting - ie no time out, smacking, shouting etc...

[saywhat]

well, i never thought i would say this but please help me! I am tired of being the negative person in my childrens lives, i want to be a mum whom is understanding, can reason but can also be firm, without any times out, shouting or smacking. Its not how i have been brought up and i think i have always had the belief if you dont do these things you will end up with children whom are totally unruly, walk all over you etc...sorry, i know thats bad. But i dont think that anymore, i think that if i keep bringing them up in a shouty, no patience, negative manner, i will end up with insecure children!

I am also so tired of feeling guilty in the evenings, once i have had a break from them, and thinking to myself, you shoudnt have done this, that and the other, they are just babies! Bit of history, my 2 children are 3 years and 2 years.

so good positive parents out there, tell me how to get started, how do i go from being moany mummy to a more loving natured mummy?

[EffiePerine]

Have you read this?

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213256857&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 &sr=8-1

gets mentioned on MN a LOT but it is really good.

[Pheebe]

2 little ones under 5 very close together don't beat yourself up, its a really tough job

I am by nature quite a negative person and have often found myelf falling into that 'irritated mummy' trap. Once there I have to work at turning myself around. I've found that slowing life down, refusing to rush and allowing dcs to do things at their pace helps me get started. When my irritation starts to build I take several deep breaths before I speak and THINK about how I'm handling a situation. It pays dividends becase as my mood improves so does their behaviour.

Its also imporant to accept you are doing a tough job and not blame yourself for not being perfect - your kids will love you anyway. I also shower them with hugs and kisses at every opportunity which is lovely for all of us. All little things but I really have found that they help me 'slow down and smell the roses' and ENJOY my kids. I work full time but odd hours so I get lots of time with them but am often very tired.

I hope that helps a little and I'm sure there will be others along soon with more/better {{{hugs}}}

[Twiglett]

well I wouldn't throw the 'baby out with the bathwater'

It is possible to be fun and positive within strict behavioural and acceptability boundaries

I think one thing to do would be to imagine what it's like to be 3 or 2 .. find the fun in some of the 'naughty' stuff they do and get down and do it with them

some people like to imagine there's a film crew following them round because I think when observed they believe they are better people

learn to let things go .. try and take a moment and ask yourself is this really important .. can I let it go?

Try one day when you do everything your children want to regardless of consequences

and don't fret .. you have two toddlers .. it's not easy at that age .. it gets better

[stroppyknickers]

omg the op sounds like me. DH works long hours and I am alone with children all the time, so i start each day with good intentions. I am going to try mindful parenting - lots of internet info available if that helps.

[saywhat]

hmm see i feel like i got myself into such a habit of automatically responding to them, i could probably tape myself and save my voice box. I am also 23 weeks pregnant, which doesnt help. In fact i worked out for half on my eldest childs life by the time this baby arrives, i will have spent pregnant. poor soul.

I do find when i go to playgroups etc i am a lot more controlled, not so quick to say right! naughty corner! or shout, STOP FIGHTING! that tells me that i do know its not really a nice way to behave towards babies. So i might try the film camera thing.

The learning to let things go is quite a huge thing for me too, i know i react badly to little things that shouldnt matter, because of furstration or tiredness for the most, so thats another thing that i will try to do.

I spoke to my hubby about it last night and said sometimes i can see another person, in my head, another me, whom sees how good her children are, and sees all the positives of each day with them...and wish i could wake up being that person (loony i know but humor me)

anyhow its time to get a grip and get out of these habits, thanks for any tips

[saywhat]

oh and hubby is taking me to borders on saturday and has promised to let me buy some parenting books like the one in the first post on this thread. I think some of the problem is that i was the youngest in my family and there wasnt a lot of love shown, all my siblings agree this, i dont think i even knew how to play just used to sit in my room and read all day (i could read well by the time i was 3 apparently)

I also followed a certain...guru routine...i think MN will know the one, that i do now blame for the feelings of detachment i get for my kids sometimes, especially my eldest, though of course i am sure its not 100% responsible, its down to me to sort this out.

[saywhat]

My girls are tplay fighting on the floor at the moment...my money is on the youngest winning! It will all end in tears! (my mothers voice says in my head :D)

[commanderchaos]

i know what you mean about the negative mummy thing. i am quite a negative person and have tried really hard not to pass that on - in fact having DS has been brilliant for helping me make these changes.

apart from the film crew trick (really helps that one), i try to make sure i really look at my DS when i'm talking to with him. i mean really look into his eyes, and SEE what he's really about. i'm not sure how to express this, but that seems to help and slow me down. i'm 42 weeks pregnant, so on the one hand find that because i've slowed up so much, i'm less impatient with DS. on the other hand, i'm so knackered, that it's a struggle not to be irritated...

some of this crosses with another unconditional parenting thread at the moment, and Alfie Kohn's writing has always been helpful to me.

[VictorianSqualor]

Twig makes good points in her post.

I am quite strict according to other people's children, but I rarely shout, if I shout it's because I've not been heard, not because of any other reason.

I have boundaries, and rules, which are non-negotiable, but you need to pick your battles.

Is what they are doing really that bad?
For example, DP gets wound up by noisy games, banging and jumping around, but I tell myself, 'They are just playing' and let it go.

Choose what is really important to your family and stick to those rules, anything that you can let go, let it go.

Put yourself in their shoes, imagine how they are seeing the world at their age. To a two and three year old things are completely different. They don't understand real consequence, and even when they do understand it, they don't think ahead, so doing something 'naughty' to them, doesn't equate punishment until they have already done it so don't expect them to not do it because they get punished. You need to distract them, or move things out of their way.

It's not their fault that putting jam on toast in the DVD player seems fun, it's your fault for leaving them unattended with jam on toast and having the DVD player where they can reach y'know?

Avoid bad behaviour before it kicks in, ignore all tantrums, or being spoken to rudely, explain when they are calm you will talk but you can't understand them right now and walk away.

Stick to your guns about important rules and they will listen as they get older and understand more.

Most of all, enjoy them.

[saywhat]

yes i am a more negative person that positive, and am not very good at getting on a childs mentality. I am excellent at the practical side of things, but very poor on the emotional side, more so with my eldest than my second. Sometimes i have wondered about going to parenting classes and have always been the type of person whom feels better having someone tell them what to do rather than work it out for myself. I know i overworry too, that i will turn out like my mum (left when i was 2) and damage my children because of my rubbish parenting on the emotional side.

I thought about seeing a doctor, but i dont think i am depressed, i think i am just in too many habits in thought as well, and habits can be broken.

[VictorianSqualor]

Another thing, always ask WHY.

Ask yourself why they are behaving that way, ask them why they are behaving that way, and how they feel/the situation at that time makes them feel.

I think understanding is key, both them of you and you of them.

[saywhat]

victoriansqualor, i can hand on heart tell you that my two children are GOOD girls, they really are. They very rarely have tantrums, for the most play together nicely, eat their food well, sleep well, both poty trained easily, pretty much do as they are told, people are never done telling me what good sociable little girls they are. I know this, i know they are, i got it all wrong with my first and thought if i raised good obedient children, it meant i was a good parent. i didnt understand that that is just a very small part of what being a parent is. I had PND with my first too.

So they are really good children, what do i find to moan about then? Things like when toy fighting gets out of hand, instead of laughing it off, or calmly splitting them up, if i am doing something, i will get irritated and just shout, oh will you two stop it!

This morning my eldest was continously harassing her sister, so i managed three times of telling her calmly that she was annoying her sister and to leave her alone..the fourth time i bawled my head off to her and sent her to her room. What did it achieve? her being really upset when she was just wanting to play, and me feeling like a cad for overreacting to such a teeny thing.

Its really not my kids that need anything changed, to me they are perfect, its me that needs a serious parenting overhaul, i just dont know where to begin and how to get it 'right'

[saywhat]

thats the key there too, i dont understand children, have always been rubbish with them, long before i had my own. Sometimes i think i was born an adult, never a child, but honestly sometimes in the evening i think, god, you acted more childish with this thing, that they did! its very embarressing to admit. I find it really hard to try to understand why they do things because i approach it with an adult way of thinking.

[saywhat]

or perhaps a logical way of thinking? and i dont really think logic applies to children!

[ingles2]

Good posts from Twig and VS
Don't be so hard on yourself saywhat.. 2 dc's under 4 are v. v. hard. I have 18 months between my 2 and battled with exactly the same feeling when they were toddlers.
I could quite easily get to the point of feeling like I was going to explode. The best thing was to use the naughty step..... but for me!
I'd reprimand myself, sit there for a couple of minutes and remind myself to be realistic with my expectations. you know,... they're 2/3, yes all the toys are going to be thrown everywhere...deep breath... we can have a race to pick them up. at that age distraction will work on just about any bad behaviour,...if there's chaos, walk away for 10 minutes, fighting, grab a book for 10 minutes story time. As VS says stick to your rules, and don't ever back down on them. just insist calmly.
Don't worry, You're going to raise great kids!

[saywhat]

they are now happily chasing each other down the hallway, laughing and screaming. On a bad day i would find this annoying after a but and tell them to behave. It makes me cringe seeing that, because they are in no way misbehaving, they are being children and i know its realy horrible to get irritated over that. But i want to be honest so those reading understand the type of parent i am most of the time.

I dont feel that today however, and get days like this when what they do doesnt bother me at all, and it makes me happy to hear them laughing like hyenas. I know though more often than not there is more snapping, grumpy days than happy, free days.

[VictorianSqualor]

Oh logic applies alright, just child logic!
If you try asking why more often it could help you understand?
I always ask them why, why are you arguing with your sister? why did you not wash your hands when I said etc

[cornsilk]

How do you handle other parents who roll their eyes because they think you are too soft and letting them get away with things?

[saywhat]

well i am much better at using the aughty corner now, instead of shouting or yes...smacking. If one of them is really trying me, i will put them in the naughty corner for 2 mins or 3 mins respectively and then afterward crouch down, ask them or tell them why they were put in the corner..then set them free as such. But depending on my mood, i can hold a grudge, or rather, expect them to continue being naughty, instead of wiping the slate clean, appreciating that they did their naughty corner time so that should be it finished.

I am a very moody person at times, can be very depressed, but then get times when i am on top of the world and am great with the kids. I should probably add that my doctor is looking into the possibility that i may be bi polar at the moment, even though i hate to see it in writing, because my mother was mentally ill and i am always so terrified i might end up being like her.

[ingles2]

parenting is also about knowing yourself and what your limits are. So if it's a bad day, try and recognise when you are getting to the point of exploding. Stop what your doing and do something else with the dc's. So when they're running up and down, think this is going to be a problem soon, start preparing a distraction, a game, book, trip to the park and step in before it gets too much IYKWIM

[Twiglett]

saywhat .. you're human .. just like me .. like all of us .. I think maybe the first thing that you should do is appreciate that you are no worse at this than the rest of us .. we all do it, exactly what you've described .. one day this behaviour is ok, the next it isn't

this is just about being a parent, and being exhausted and always wanting to do better .. but also being able to forgive yourself when you can't / haven't and promising yourself that next time you'll do better

this is how we all are

you are doing fine

[saywhat]

cornsilk, i actually feel like i fit in if i be soft with my children, when i am at playgroup etc, i rarely see other parents getting upset or stressed with their children, and so i wont, because it doesnt seem 'normal' to as such. I dont thin i have ever been accused of being too soft though, but i know in myself i worry that if i become 'too soft' i might end up with kids totally out of control, when the likely hood is they would be fine, as long as i kept boundaries.

[ingles2]

sorry to hear that saywhat...
the naughty corner can be ok, but as I said earlier you must use it for you as well as sometimes we are in the wrong and that time out can be invaluable. we can never be perfect parents, you can only love them and try our best. as I said don't be to hard on yourself.

[ingles2]

so pick your rows SW. Decide what are the most important things for you to be tough on and stick to them. try and ignore the others

[cornsilk]

I find that it's my family that roll their eyes TBH! We were brought up very strictly and my sisters adopted a similar approach. Now I'm parenting in a different way and they're tutting and shaking their heads!