DH been watching porn on TV in secret - i feel so betrayed. Advice please..

[nickneat]

I'm 45 so no youngster but have found out my husband (47 has been watching adult channels and relieving himself when i have gone to bed. We have been married 17 years and have two children aged 8 and 5. We tried for years to have them and finally had IVF which was successful in 2001 and thought we were the luckiest people alive.
However, i found out by accident in 2005 when i was still breastfeeding my second son age 3 months that my husband had been looking at porn on the PC and the TV. I was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again.
I've now found him out again and i feel sick and just don't think i can forgive him again, not after we nearly split last time. He's really sorry and says he can't help it but i feel so betrayed. I really don't want to upset the children but i don't want to be in the same room as him at the moment.
What do i do?
Nicola

[Ivykaty44]

really dont feel betrayed its not you its his wanting to watch. Dont let yourself think it is a reflection on you.

[giraffesCannaeFlingPieces]

I personally dont see the problem at all. Are there other issues in your relationship?

[juneybean]

Watch it with him

[DSM]

Most men watch porn, as do many women. I don't think there is anything to feel betrayed about?

What exactly is your issue?

[DSM]

Sorry - just re-read and - did you split with your DH because he watched porn?

[shockers]

Ask him about it when you are feeling calmer... it could be that he just really needs the release in a non intimate way.

[lou33]

i dont understand what your children have to do with it?

[alicet]

I don't think its neccesarily a reflection on you either (although it is possible it might be) and personally this wouldn't really bother me as long as it wasn't replacing sex with you - just in addition to it. But how I feel about porn is not the issue.

I actually think his doing this again when he knows how devastating for you it was last time is a massive deal that he has done this again behind your back.

I think its relevant to know how your sex life is anyway - in other words is he just (to be blunt - sorry!) not getting what he would feel to be enough and so he feels this is a harmless way to address 2 different libidos? Or is it replacing sex you would like to be having with him?

I think it may well be worth getting counselling with someone like relate if it had such a devastating impact on your relationship last time to try and understand why he needs this and also why you feel as betrayed as you do. Not saying either of you is right or wrong but clearly the 2 are incompatible and if you can't work through and get to a happy medium that you can both live with then life is going to be very difficult isn't it?

Hope you manage to work through things x

[herladyshiplovesedward]

"i was devasted and it nearly broke us up but we talked and i believed he wouldn't do it again"

the issue for me would be if he knew how seriously you felt about this and reassured you it wouldn't happen again.. but then did so anyway (if that makes sense)

more about trust/honesty than about porn (which in my limited experience most men seem quite keen on!)

[Lotster]

Please don't worry too much,it is really, really normal. So many men do this, and it isn't necessarily a reflection on you or how he feels about you.

You may not understand it or see it as a normal outlet, but it is an outlet, or form of relaxation, where if you're a woman, a glass of wine, pair of new shoes or good gossip with friends would suffice!

Personally, if my husband were to look at pictures, I may be disappointed, but not think about it or emotionalise it too much. If it became chat or interaction however, it would cross a line IME.

[alicet]

lou33 I should probably let the op speak for herself but i could imagine that spending years where sex is all about trying for children and thats not succesful could put a bit of a dampner on your sex life and getting back to where it is for fun and not associated with an element of stress might be hard

[Divatheshopaholic]

it seems quite common woman gets upset when man watches porn,takes it to their relationship.
have you got relatiobship problem?

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

I think many men watch porn.

It doesn't make making porn ok, but him watching it is no reflection on your relationship.

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset about it.

[argento]

You seem to have quite extreme feelings about porn - are there some other issues in the relationship? I'm suprised that you would consider ending your relationship over it!

Lotster - lots of women enjoy porn too!

[BitOfFun]

I understand that you hate it, and wish he had respected your feelings, but I imagine he feels being banned from watching what many people, male and female, see as no biggie, is a bit over-controlling on your part. I can hear how upset you are, but he is not a serial killer- many couples wouldn't bat an eyelid, in fact.

There is clearly an issue you need to resolve, and you need to discuss your feelings about porn and all the rest of it, but I really think you are making a drama out of a crisis, if you see what I mean.

The way you talk about your maternal side and the breastfeeding etc in the same breath makes me wonder if you see yourself and your partner as only "allowed" to have sedate parental sex. Yet making someone else feel like something sexual is taboo is a surefire way of suddenly lending it a massive appeal.

There are big issues at stake here, clearly, and I am not pronouncing on the rights or wrongs of watching porn, but please try to approach this as a discussion you need to have rather than giving him his marching orders. His sexuality and opinions matter too in your relationship.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

I don't think your reaction is extreme.

Or that you necessarily have a problem in your relationship.

I can see why you mention the kids, you feel you've achieved so much together and have now been let down perhaps.

[Lotkinsgonecurly]

Sorry you're feeling so betrayed but I don't understand why??? Can you not just watch it too?

Meet him half way, so to speak. Think it is quite normal.

[lou33]

maybe so, but to me i read it in a way that the op seemed to infer that once children have arrived one should not have any sexual desire, and used them as a way of trying to make her pov more valid

maybe its just me

but there is definitely more to be explained than is being told i think, wrt why she feels so upset (aside from the kids)

[DSM]

I am not brainwashed into accepting porn. I like porn, I enjoy it.

Why is it woman hating and degrading to women? There are men in porn too.

[argento]

I think I would feel very upset and unfairly controlled if my DP banned me from watching porn.

I agree with others who say you need to talk to each other about your feelings about porn and sex.

Maybe you could agree to some limits with the porn? Like he can only watch it when you're not in the house, or only on his personal computer and not the TV. Or could you find some ethical/female-focussed porn that you could watch together?

[waterbirthbaby]

It depends totally - my ex husband was so addicted to porn that he couldn't get it up with me. And I was 19 and up for it, never ever turned him down and even tried roleplay and fantasies - he'd still turn me down and I only found out after I left him that it was becuase he'd been relieving himself with magazines in the car before coming in to the house where I was 'waiting' for him.

He couldn't 'finish' unless I was on the phone to a phone sex person - except he was too cheap to pay for the call, so I just had to 'keep' them on the phone till they hung up on me.

He was my first and I'd been a virgin at marriage, so I knew something was wrong, but it wrecked my self confidence for a hell of a long time, cause I thought the 'something wrong' was with me.

So I totally get where you're coming from. DH now isn't much in to porn, but if he was to watch, it would bother me based on the past.

I would say go to a RELATE councillor or something. It's like any drug really - after a while, the 'usual' doesn't do it for you anymore and you need more. I totally get why you feel betrayed, and really feel for you.

IM me if you want to chat privately about it.

[argento]

I'm not brainwashed either! I like porn, and I seek out stuff made by and involving women who really enjoy what they do.

[nickneat]

Thank you i appreciate all your replies.
Thank you alicet and herladyshiplovesedward - it is about honesty and trust and i think that's what hurt the most.

[alwayslookingforanswers]

dittany - 20yrs ago my parents were reading porn together (they didn't watch is as we didn't have a TV - but I'm under no illusions they would have done if we had one ).......strangely the porn stuff was kept in my mums bedside cabinet not my dad's. And they were quite conservative people from the outside. Just because it's more easily available now doesn't mean that it wasn't used 10/20yrs ago.