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AIBU?

to want my sister to support me to leave dh?

88 replies

mehdismummy · 12/02/2008 21:15

after alot of crap of dh the last four years including violence and metal abuse i have finally plucked up the courage to go to see a woman at womans aid tomorrow. Today has been the final straw. It has been my birthday. He brought me nothing not even a card from ds. He grudgingly came out for a meal which i had to pay for then when i realised i was not going out rushed back to go out. Just phoned sister who thinks i am being unreasonable because its not fair on ds to be apart from dh and if i move back to my home town she wont see ds either. And thinks i should talk to him. This is hard enough as it is and now harder because i literally have no support. I actually left once because dh had hit me and went to her house and it was obvious that i could not stay with her as she told me the flat was not ds proof and i should go back. I am so upset just sat in bed with ds. What a bloody horrible end to a bloody horrible day.

OP posts:

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UniversallyChallenged · 12/02/2008 21:19

so sorry for your horrid situation. Why is your sis being like that? Have you usually got on with her?

Bangandthedirtisgone · 12/02/2008 21:19

I am so so sorry, you are not being unreasonable at all. You sound like you are being very brave, if your sister can't support you please keep looking for people or organisations who can.

I'm sure there are people on this board with experience that may be able to help.

xxxx

SparklyMummy · 12/02/2008 21:21

You poor thing. You are obviously serious about moving out. I think you should def fo to the womens aid tomorrow and have a chat with the experts. I would say though that the relationship is not worth hanging around for esp if there's violence. I think your sister not supporting you is very wrong of her...it takes a lot of courage to leave a violent relationship (my best friend was in one a few years a go and decided to leave for the sake of her DD). Good luck. {{{hugs}}} and I hope your next birthday is a happier one. XxX

mehdismummy · 12/02/2008 21:30

thanks i dunno why she is being like it. We are close. I think it is because she is married to dh childhood friend. I have met some lovely people on here and fllight attendant gave me the courage to at least to talk to someone. At least i have ds because if i did not have him i would seriously be depressed. He is my only reason for living.

OP posts:

SparklyMummy · 12/02/2008 21:37

I think it's important to take things one step at a time. Do go tomorrow though just to chat to someone who can helo you with the next step.
You're being so strong. Good luck. X

mehdismummy · 12/02/2008 21:40

oh i know it isnt gonna be quick or easy but i think talking will help. Thanks sparkly x

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SparklyMummy · 12/02/2008 21:41

Talking will most def help! Keep your chin up. X

Vacua · 12/02/2008 21:44

does your sister know the full story, or could she be listening to lots and lots of your husband's version of events via her own husband?

it might be colouring her views and distorting her loyalties - hopefully as you get stronger and more confident she will realise that you are doing the right thing for you and your son and be a bit more supportive?

do womens aid run any support groups you could join as a place to make friends who know where you are coming from, who have been there?

Divastrop · 12/02/2008 21:46

she is being very horrible,and she is wrong,its much better for your ds to be away from an abusive man.

you are being very srong and very brave,and im sure you can do this without the support of your sister.i have been where you are now,and i had no support either apart from professionals and the second time two friends.

sorry your birthday was shite,next year will be better as it will be just you and ds in a safe,happy home.

Limara · 12/02/2008 21:47

Good luck kid, If I was your sis, i'd offer you my bed.

Maybe her and dh not as happy as you think? Just a thought.

Keep talking....

UniversallyChallenged · 12/02/2008 21:47

Ive read some of your comments on previous threads and thought what a lovely lady you sound - despite what you have to cope with. Your son is a lucky little boy to have you x

Vacua · 12/02/2008 21:49

have you found it difficult to express to your sister just how difficult things are at home? just wondering if it is possible that she is not getting the full picture somehow?

have also been in a horrible marriage and was too ashamed to tell anyone what had been happening, missing out on potential support along the way. even so, I got there in the end and you will too - it's wonderful the day you wake up and think 'I can breathe again, at last'

Flibbertyjibbet · 12/02/2008 22:01

I was in your shoes some years ago.
I also had people saying I should stay with him - people who had no idea what it was like. Sod your sister, there are only two people you should consider in this , you and ds.
When it happened to me the female friends who told me to stay were the ones that with hindsight I know were not happy at the time.

Some women think you are better off with a bad man than no man at all, perhaps she is one of those.

If you will get support in your home town or at least the chance to make a new start then I would go there as soon as you can.

But be ready for your dp to weep and wail and beg you to come back. Don't listen to a word of it. You would just be going back for the same and next time will be harder to leave because you know you failed last time iyswim.

can't stay on this thread or check back on it as my wonderful dp is in the room - does not know the half of what went on with the ex I hardly mention and then only as 'dickhead' - but go and chat to the refuge people tomorrow and keep really strong - you have the next stage of your life beginning tomorrow and you are about to decide what direction it will go xx

mehdismummy · 12/02/2008 22:01

no she is completly aware of the full story. I am gonna do this tomorrow because i cant go on like this. I want ds to see his mummy happy. At the moment i feel fat. Useless. Ugly and a failure. I love ds so much and i want him to be happy to and not grow up to think it is normal the way his dad behaves. This is why dh is like it. He saw it happen when he was a child and now thinks it is normal that a woman is just there to look after dc . Clean cook. Etc and not actually talk to. I will not let it happen to ds.

OP posts:

lottiejenkins · 12/02/2008 22:02

Hi Mehdi, i remember your posts on NYE am sorry things are difficult for you. Hope you find the courage to go to see the lady tomorrow,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

ChirpyGirl · 12/02/2008 22:06

mehdismummy, I don't have a lot to suggest but just wanted to add my support to what you are doing, you are making the right choice and decision whatever anyone else thinks. I wish my mother had had the guts to do what you are doing earlier, as it is she left it until I had left home and I have never been prouder of her than the day she decided to split from my father.

Your DS will thank you for it when he is older so go to womans aid with your head held high. Well done xx

mehdismummy · 13/02/2008 08:34

well ds woken up full of flu and high temperature. So i have to rearrange my appointment , so hopefully it will be soon

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chrissnow · 13/02/2008 08:43

I've seen your other posts and I'm so glad you've made the decision you have. I hope you can re-arrange your appt really soon. Your sis is being really unreasonable and I wouldn't let her know any more of your plans in case she 'spills the beans' or tries to talk you out of this. You are a strong lovely lady and you can (and should) go for a chance of a better life. Oh and you do have support (cyber support admittedly, but there are loads of us here rooting for you).
By the way had a look at your profile a while back and you ds is just too gorgeous for words!!!
Hugs and good luck.

mehdismummy · 13/02/2008 08:58

oh thanks chris. Its gonna be hard. Sister already told her dh. Who apparently is shocked that is that bad. He says dh would be devasted if we left. Does not stop him behaving the way he does though. Thanks for comment on ds. He is the source of happiness in my life.

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dal21 · 13/02/2008 09:50

To the OP.

It is really sad for you that your sister isnt supporting you. Well done you for taking these first crucial steps. You are absolutely doing the right thing, there is never any excuse for violence in any relationship - and you cannot afford to stay for your own or your DS's stake.

Be strong, it is easy for someone to tell you to stay when they dont have to live it every day. You do and you have every right to get out.

I am not saying this will be easy; but know you are doing the best thing for you. And hold onto that thought.

Minkus · 13/02/2008 16:42

mehdismummy- this might be e bit of a long post but wanted to share this as I sort of come from the "other side of the fence"!

I was once in the same situation as your sister. My lovely sis wanted to leave her dp (they have two children, but no violence or abuse in any way in their situation) and I really regret now that I didn't support her enough in her decision.

I work with her now-ex dp, and he and dh have got to be very good friends during the 8 yrs sis and her dp had been together, and so dh and I had some close links with him, in a similar way as I suppose your sis has with your dh through her hubby. I felt incredibly torn and handled the whole thing really badly, I could have been so much more supportive of her and the situation she was dealing with and I regret this hugely. I've apologised to her since, thankfully we are very close again now although I think it will take my sister a long time to fully forgive (if she ever can) what I can now see was me letting her down big time, even though I didn't mean to and am so ashamed that I let her go through such a difficult time in her life without my full support.

This sounds like me trying to justify it, and it so isn't but there is no handbook to refer to when a close family members' relationship breaks down, nothing to give you/her a ticklist of what you "should" do and what you "shouldn't"- I made decisions/acted in ways I thought were appropriate at the time but with the benefit of hindsight realise I seriously misjudged situations and made some really bad decisions. I was sort of feeling my way through a situation blindly and made some big mistakes, which I'll always regret because they hurt my sister. But that is about how I handled a situation when realy it was about her- and that's what I just couldn't see at the time, that whatever I felt or thought was completely irrelevant becuase she needed me to be there for her.

Like other posters have said, be strong, you sound like a lovely person and you will be able to get through this without your sisters support- she might be making bad choices now but don't write her off completely, instead concentrate on yourself and ds rather than wasting precious energy on worrying about her opinions. Hopefully she'll realise the error of her ways and turn out to be your biggest supporter (like I am now of my sister and my wonderful neice and nephew in their new life)

Good luck
xxxx

LIZS · 13/02/2008 16:51

yanbu . She obviously only hears what she chooses to. You may have to accept that, for the timebeing at least, she isn't offering you support and if when she sees that you meann business she comes round, it is a binus. Good luck , hope you got some good advice today.

Kimi · 13/02/2008 17:13

mendismummy, you have to do what is right for you and your child, I am sorry your sister is not being any support, you are looking for and asking for help, and if she can not provide you with the support you need dot let that push you back to a place you no longer want to be in.
Yes the best place3 for a child is in a loving home with 2 loving parents but in the real world that is not always something that can be done.

Please keep talking, and find strength from where ever you can.
As there is violence involved her I would have thought your sister may have been a bit more understanding of you wanting and more to the point NEEDING to leave, and to use your child as emotional blackmail (its not fair on him to be away from daddy) that is just cruel n her part, it is not fair on him to be brought up in an unhappy environment, and I think she is thinking of herself and not you or your child.

Good luck, and please stay focused on the big picture and not just the immediate upheaval as that will be short lived.

mehdismummy · 13/02/2008 17:35

a lovely woman from safety net is ringing me tomorrow for a chat so hopefully that will help. Spoke to council and advised them of situation and they said i should let them know my change of circumstances and my position so i can get extra points . So slowly slowly. Thanks for all your lovely words of advice.

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captainmummy · 13/02/2008 17:46

And be careful mehdismummy - as someone else on your oter thread, this is the most dangrsous time for you and ds. If your dh finds out that you might be leaving (and he might, from your sis or her dh) it might trigger a bit more violence, along the lines of 'if I can't have you/ds, then no-one can'. Not trying to frighten you, just be aware.
Hope the womens refuge people help you.

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