To be really upset with my husband after my 7 yr old said she wanted to die(85 Posts)
Last night at bed time DD said she wanted to die. I got a big piece of paper and pens to draw her feelings and she decided she wanted to section the day and draw faces and she assigned emotions. We established these wanting to die feelings were when DH and I fight and when he shouts at her. DD and I were up till 10.30 pm so this was all guided by her. DH and I had a fight yesterday over not respecting my boundaries. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) and am not the easiest to live with because of my illness and I have been very ill recently and emotional and more shouty than normal. A week and a half ago it got so bad after 3 months of feeling so lousy, I wanted everything to end myself and told DH so he knows I'm feeling wobbly. DH has a Mediterranean temperament and and nationality and isn't good on the touchy feely.
DH tried to get involved yesterday in the drawing process and at dd asked me to send him away. My expectation was that he would want to get up to discuss this. He's not a morning person and wouldn't get up, which is not uncommon. At 9.30 DD went and explained her feelings to him whilst he was still in bed. The feedback she gave me was that DH wasn't happy at what he said and his answer was that mummy shouts as well. And she told me she was going to change her stuff basically to appease him. I explained that this wasn't the correct approach. I tried to talk about it to him and his reaction was: "well there was nothing to talk about and it was only to be expected if he was blamed seeing as it all came from me so of course there's nothing wrong with mummy". He was sarcastic, dismissive and nasty. And I tried to explain - cue more of the same from him and ended up raising my voice then back in bed in tears.
You're involving your dd too much in this, you need to reassure her that everything is okay and mummy and daddy had a bit of a row but it's all sorted now. And then you need to make sure you don't argue in front of her again, at all. It's very upsetting for children to see their parents arguing as I'm sure you know. if you have problems with dh you need to deal with these out of earshot of dd.
You're reaction to what your daughter said was ott to be honest. Kids says things like that sometimes, you made it into a far bigger issue than it needed to be.
Derek. I stop him when he shouts at her. That's why she sees him more of an issue.
Fairylea. I know. I'm not emotionally strong at the moment because I'm so ill. It's not nice to be so ill you can't stand up and make a meal or look after your DD properly in the holidays. That's why the rows are happening - I wouldn't let it get to me normally. I feel like he's kicking me while I'm down.
Unless you are going to drip feed that he's horribly abusive I can see his side. If your daughter is depressed and sad, he tried to get involved with the activity you used to support her and was sent away. You reach the conclusion that it is all his fault.
Then, rather than sit down and talk to him adult to adult, you send your 7 year old in to tell him it's all his fault she feels like she wants to die. That's hard.
You sound like you're using your daughter as a pawn to blame him for things, while you are emotional, hard to live with and talking about wanting to end it yourself (are you sure she's not heard you and that is where she got it from?)
You need to deal with this between yourselves as adults, not use your daughter.
You and dh have much bigger problems, if he's asleep don't go in all guns blazing, it's obviously going to cause a shitey atmosphere, wait until he's up and then have a discussion, suggest a bottle of wine and takeaway tonight and discuss a way forward maybe family therapy?
Paul - it's not the first time recently.
Lumpy - shouty and then we get shouty. Not physical. I was the one that got shouty this Morning because of the dismissive sarcasm.
If she's saying she wanted to die after you said a similar thing yourself, don't you think it's likely she heard you and is repeating what you said. Bit of a coincidence otherwise.
Definitely didn't hear it from me. And I didn't say I wanted to end it. I said I wanted it to end. As in I can't take it anymore. She heard it from a child at school.
I didn't send her in. She went. Not a pawn. I thought it would get him to get up. I was only in bedroom next door.
I'm doing therapy. He wouldn't go never never never.
I think your daughter is getting caught up in the drama that both you and your husband cause, you both shout and she is stuck in the middle trying to keep both of you happy. I think she's agreeing with you when she talks to you and agreeing with our husband when she's with him.
She doesn't know why to say or do for the best, she's just 7.
I think both oh and your other half need to make a commitment to keep the shouting to a minimum and not involve your daughter in arguments.
It's understandable that you get frustrated with your illness but you need to protect her form your moods and much as your husband needs to protect her from his 'Mediterranean' temper.
And keeping a seven year old up until 10.30 to explore her feelings is madness, she must have been exhausted and bewildered.
Your daughter is a child of 7, she shouldn't be involved in adult discussions or arguments - it's way too much for her and, as she's shown, she's not able to handle it. You and your husband need to grow up and be parents
All your 7 year old needs is the assurance that you're sorry and daddy is sorry for being shouty and everything is fine. A little bit of talk about why she is feeling that way would be fine, letting her write something down is fine but you've made into a big emotional drama now and she's caught in the middle. Your problems with your husband are not her problems. She shouldn't forced to go and communicate with her father that he makes her want to die. Terrible burden on her and awful for your DH. She's come out with something that she most likely heard from you and in her confused 7 year old way she's decided it's something people say when they feel sad. All you need to do is sort that issue out, not drag in your own marital issues too. You gloss over how she first of all said she felt that when you shout at each other, not just that he shouts at her. Both of you need to Leave her out of your arguments.
Agree with Cinderella you did push him away
You either all get involved or nothing
But to her eyes , and to his, YOU sorted out the problem and he's not needed . So next day you went to tell him off....
Remember it takes two to argue and although I do understand what it means to be chronically ill, it shouldn't mean you go about feeling entitled to shout argue etc... But he can't cause he's not ill.
No wonder he feels like this
Of course you need support but you both shouting in front of her is not justified for all the ME in the world!
Agree with above, you need Not to get her involved in your rows. You need to show you are a loving family unit. poor kid.
I agree that your husband must be feeling 'got at' and defensive.
So you got shouty this morning after she said what she did last night? And you're making this all his fault?
You need to focus on yourself before tearing strips off him. It must be incredibly hard to be in his position as well as yours with this illness.
It sounds as though you used your dd to communicate with dh when it was you who should have talked with him. I don't think letting a 7 year old stay up talking about suicide and drawing images about it until 10.30pm is good for you or her.
As a pp said, reassure your dd that you and dh are there for her and that you both love her. Don't let her get involved in your rows.
She didn't want to show it to him. So I hid it. She then changed her mind and insisted on showing her drawings. I had envisaged handling this very differently. He wouldn't get up. By that stage I was exhausted from trying to get him up. She didn't go and tell him anything other than what I said.
It is hard to keep it together emotionally at the moment in front of her when I cannot look after her. A lot of last week is a complete blur.
I agree with the others. You need to both apologise to her for getting shouty and stop involving her and shouting in front of her. My parents used to argue within my earshot and it was shit (and if you wait until she's in bed she can probably hear that too)
You clearly don't want to listen but I am going to reiterate what has already been posted. You are BOTH at fault.
Your dd has seen you both behave abysmally and then you have manipulated the situation to make it all your DH's fault even though you admit you are the one who primarily starts the shouting.
I suffer with depression and crippling anxiety but it never affects my dd no matter how bad I am.
You need to apologise to your DH and then find a much better way to handle your illness and the emotional impact it is having on your dd.
I get that it's extremely difficult for you as you're unwell but your daughter is 7. You need to stop shouting at your husband in front of her (as does he).
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