AIBU to think in a way it's easier without dh

(136 Posts)
mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:03:22

Just that really normally have really bad depression and anxiety. I work with dh and he went away on a trip yesterday . At work I could talk to people without him having a go at me. I had a nice relaxed journey home and then had a relaxed evening with no one moaning I hadn't done something or shouting because he lost a game or the kids were loud etc

I feel incredibly guilty that I have enjoyed the day and felt so relaxed! AIBU to think that emotionally at least it is easier without dh ?

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 04:08:05

I think it would be easier for anyone to be without someone who constantly moans, shouts and has a go at them. Do you think he could be a contributing factor to your depression and anxiety? What are you getting out of this relationship?

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:16:00

Tbh maybe I just blow things out of proportion he can be lovely as well. It's just things like telling me to shhhh when i speak, refusing to look after the kids at all and just punishing me with his sulks and moods of he doesn't get his own way. It sounds pathetic written down doesn't it! But I just end up doing everything he wants for fear of the fall out!

Out of the relationship I think I get a house to live in and I do love him we have been together 15 years.

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:20:16

An example would be at work something (tiny) spilled on his desk he told me to clean it up - I was busy so I just told him where the cloth was.
He switched the Internet off to my computer and refused to put it back on until I had cleaned up the spill confused and just behaving ridiculously I work with all men and even they stepped in like WTF clean it up yourself.

Or I have posted on relationships about him sulking to get his way regarding when we have sex etc. (I won't link to this as I see my name change didn't work for this postblush)

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 04:26:36

Wow, I couldn't live with that, I wouldn't put up with it from my 7 yo! Sounds terrible.

If you're happier when he's not there, why not consider making that a longer term thing?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 12-May-16 04:30:03

He sounds like an utter shit. No wonder you feel better when he's not there. Why not make that permanent?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 12-May-16 04:30:45

X post. Great minds...

Eminado Thu 12-May-16 04:31:09

Oh my Lord - that is not normal. Why do you think it is?

He sounds awful.

I am pretty sure (without checking) that people told you as much on the other thread. Why didn't or don't you believe them?

So far we have:-

Sulks for sex (*vom face* - disgusting immature pathetic behaviour)
Doesn't take responsibility for his own kids (please don't call it "helping")
Moans and shouts at you
Makes you his skivvy (wipe your own God damn spills)
Humiliates and belittles you in front of other people, at work
Has you walking on egg shells for fear of his moods

It's little wonder you enjoyed him being away.

You don't need to accept this you know. I am pretty sure your mood and health would improve without him in your life.

Champagneformyrealfriends Thu 12-May-16 04:32:19

He doesn't sound very nice. I'm joy surprised it's easier without him and I'm sure there'll be plenty of people along soon saying the same.

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:32:58

I have no money. I don't really get paid for going to work, it is his company (well technically both of ours but I couldn't do it without him I don't have the technical knowledge) I just go in to help with admin etc.

I have no good cv to get a job as before going to help dh I was a sahm since finishing .

Even child benefit /tax credit is in his name.

We have 6 children and rent our house so without him I would have nowhere to live and be totally alone as I have no friends or family of my own. The only family we have around are his.

If I asked him to leave he would just say no!

Also I do love him I just hate his moods

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:34:42

That should be since finishing uni.

I should add that generally he is out of the house from 6am until about 10/11pm weekdays so it's only weekends it's an issue really!

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 04:36:59

I suppose if I was alone the idea of getting a job would be impossible as it would never pay enough for childcare anyway (he pays for a nanny to come twice a week for me to go to the office)

sepa Thu 12-May-16 04:37:41

Wow. That's pretty crap for you op. You shouldn't have to settle. DP is away at the moment and I miss him like crazy (and this is the first night of 4 or 5) and I still feel like this after a 10 year relationship!

Would he listen to you if you told him how you feel?

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 04:37:54

Hmmm, so his behaviour is only an issue when he's there......!

Seriously there are others on Mnet who can advise you, you would not be left with nothing, he would provide for you and the kids if you split up and you can work, you are already.

You only get one stab at this life, it's too short to live it with someone who treats you like shit.

Balanced12 Thu 12-May-16 05:22:30

I suggest you get some legal advise and look into where you would stand finance wise.

The spill incident is rediculous, please don't let him treat you that way.

Also a nanny so you can go work for him and be treated badly isn't a treat!

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover Thu 12-May-16 05:23:14

flowers op...he sounds like an utter twat so you have my condolences.

I would start getting a plan to leave together if I were you- can you start to squirrel away some money?!

frumpet Thu 12-May-16 05:46:08

He tells you to shhh when you speak ? when does this happen ? when he is on the phone and you don't realise it ? when ? I am Mrs Doormatty Mcdoormat face usually but if another adult shushed me , never mind my DH , I would lose the plot !

Janecc Thu 12-May-16 05:48:34

He sounds awful. I could never live with a man like this. You have one life. What sort of message are you sending to your children about the way men treat women?

So the business is in joint names is that definitely correct? And you have 6 children with him. You work there but you don't get paid for it, are you sure about that? The tax rules changed recently that's why I'm querying it. If the business is in joint names, you own half the business and it doesn't matter if you're a silent partner or work there full time, it's half yours legally. To live, he pays himself a salary. He will probably also take money out in dividends for both you and him as this is a good way of getting money out of the business (although the rules have changed on this too). This will also be stated on your tax returns.

I'm only asking because if you do decider to separate, there may be more money than you think. And if you discover that the business actually isn't legally in your name, you've got longevity in this relationship and effectively what's his is yours. In cases such as these, I'd say get shot, divorce and take as much money as you can as you are a sahm (if you have no salary) and have 6 dependants. The business is his livelihood so you won't be able to take him for everything otherwise he won't be able to provide for you. This leads on to my next question. Does the business definitely make a good profit? It's just you say you're renting and haven't bought your home and I was wondering why.

In any case, I would get all of the financial information copied and filed in a very safe place: tax returns, his pay slips and p60 for the last 3 years, any shares he holds either in the company or elsewhere, savings, other investments, pension plan. He sounds like a right pig and if you do decide to split I think you'll be in for a fight. Doing this now and continuing to get copies of his financial information (as well as yours) will give you the chance to get all the information without him suspecting. Leave it till later and you may never get the chance especially if everything is in the office.

I'm sorry to hear you live with such a cruel man. flowers

Janecc Thu 12-May-16 05:50:19

Just seen wannabehippy's message yes, I forgot to say - start withdrawing a bit of extra cash a week and squirrel it away.

leelu66 Thu 12-May-16 06:14:16

Can he afford to buy a house? Do you think he is avoiding buying a house because he would have to give you a share of its value or give you the house itself in the event of a divorce?

I think you're minimising how awful he is. You haven't mentioned any of his good points.

I would start building savings by insisting that you draw a salary at work and getting the child benefit and tax credits moved into your name and bank account.

Don't ask him, tell him.

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 06:18:40

The business is defiantly half mine but it doesn't make much profit. It runs and keeps us but that's it. I have a loan in my name of about £12000 that I put into saving the business when I started Going in. blush so there's that I owe as well.

We could no afford to buy a house, we don't struggle with the rent but the profit if the company is low and when we asked about a mortgage we were only offered enough to buy a really small flat which obviously is no good .

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 06:24:04

Frumpet . It's not when he's in the phone, just for example if I make a suggestion or talk to him he says shhh. Or his new favourite "let me finish" so then I have to wait until everything he is saying is done before saying anything.

mylittlearmy Thu 12-May-16 06:26:25

Janec. There is no extra cash at all. The business suffers with the moods as well. Yesterday I spent the day smoothing over the problems it has caused with a client we have. It's fine at the start but he hates being forced to do anything so if a client send a list of reasonable changes- it ends up being a battle of wills. He cannot stand doing things he doesn't want to do to the point of it being a major issue in his life!

Zippidydoodah Thu 12-May-16 06:28:18

I can't offer any useful advice, but I second the idea that your anxiety and depression is caused by this man, no two ways about it. I understand it would be hard to leave, but you can't carry on being treated like this. sad

whatdoIget Thu 12-May-16 06:32:27

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this childish aresehole sad
I would think that he is the cause of your anxiety and depression angry
Who the fuck does he think he is to treat you like this? You need to get angry. He's emotionally abusing you, and from the sounds of it also maybe financially?
What a sad little man. What do you love about him? From personal experience, you will regret wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve you snd treats you like a piece of shit. He's made you feel worthless but you're not and you can get away from him and live your own life.
Start googling and find out what you'd be entitled to if you left him eh tax credits etc. I assume he wouldn't want the children to live with him? How old are they?

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