AIBU....its me or the dog.

(100 Posts)
Dalfie Mon 04-May-15 15:49:51

Let me start off by saying I haven't given the ultimatum as the title suggests - I just thought it was the most appropriate way of titling the situation.

Me and my partner have been together 18 months. Known each other 10 years.

We have recently been discussing moving in together to a 3 bed home. I have 2 children of my own from a previous relationship - he also has 2 of whom he has overnight on a Saturday & Sunday daytime.

We struggle to see each other in the week as he works long night shifts Mon-Fri. Our relationship is progressing nicely and we are now ready to live together which in turn would help the situation of not seeing each other much. Problem is he has a dog of which I am allergic to. When I am around her I come out in hives and get watery eyes. This has been resolved in the short term by taking antihistamines. I am also not an animal lover which he is aware of but in my defence I have tried to make an effort with a dog - but it is just not for me owning a pet. This is my opinion, and I don't begrudge others feelings when it comes to pets and animals.

I cannot live with the dog. It moults alot, leaving hair on every surface/clothing/aggravates my allergy. Due to his working hours it would be my responsibility to look after it during the week with regards to feeding, walks etc and I do not want to do it. I grew up with my parents dog and it was finally a release from it when I moved into my own home. I will be looking after my children full time throughout the week and actively involved with his on the weekend, I don't want to be cleaning up after a dog too I just know I will be miserable.

I have discussed how I feel with my partner and received the response of "the dog came first and she is a family member". There is no compromise. I refuse to live with it and he refuses to give it up. I have not asked him to choose between me and the dog, I respect his wishes and have stated that I am going to have to cease the relationship as there is just no median to the situation. Our relationship is at the stage where we cannot really live apart much longer, it will just fizzle out - we both want to settle down with each other and are very much in love.

He says I am being pathetic and unreasonable, my point is that I cannot help how I feel and neither of us will budge with what we want to do regarding the situation.

I didn't mean to fall in love with a man with a dog - but I just cant live with it. AIBU to walk away from the relationship completely? As much as it hurts, I don't know what else I can do.

ilovesooty Mon 04-May-15 15:53:00

How long have you been aware of the dog? What do you think he should do with it?

WorraLiberty Mon 04-May-15 15:53:03

YANBU. You're allergic and perhaps more importantly you don't like dogs, so there's no other solution here.

I certainly wouldn't give up my dog for anyone and nor would my kids.

Just out of interest though, who looks after the dog now while he's working?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 04-May-15 15:55:51

Does he actually say that you are pathetic and unreasonable? That's not exactly nice, is it?

The rest can be worked around if everyone is willing, the fact that he doesn't care about your health and well being can't.

reni1 Mon 04-May-15 15:56:18

Well you cannot move in with a dog if you have a dog allergy. I would not move in with a dog, either, total deal breaker for me. YANBU, but neither is he. No suggestion what to do, continue to live separately I think.

Theladyinpurple Mon 04-May-15 15:56:36

YABU. What do you expect him to do with 'it'? I wouldn't discard my dog for anyone.

paxtecum Mon 04-May-15 15:56:45

Hmm, I wouldn't take kindly to being told I'm pathetic by anyone.
It's not really going to work is it?

shewept Mon 04-May-15 15:57:14

Neither are buying. But I wouldn't give up my dog.

You say it will fizzle if you don't move in. Why? If that's the reason you are moving in together, then I wouldn't want to move in together anyway.

fiveacres Mon 04-May-15 15:57:23

Do you have to live together?

hedgehogsdontbite Mon 04-May-15 15:57:43

How old is the dog?

PtolemysNeedle Mon 04-May-15 15:57:46

YANBU, you can choose whatever you want to be your deal breaker.

What did you think was going to happen when you let this relationship progress a year ago though? Surely you knew that if you stayed together you'd have this problem, presumably you weren't seriously expecting him to give away his dog?

paxtecum Mon 04-May-15 15:58:44

I have a friend who has dogs and cats. She went on one date with a bloke who was very allergic to both and he had an asthma attack when he got home.
It wasn't possible to have a second date.

HazleNutt Mon 04-May-15 15:59:06

He's U to expect you to live with a dog you're allergic to; you're U to tell him to get rid of the dog. Obviously you can't move in together in those circumstances.

SoldierBear Mon 04-May-15 16:01:57

Well, you have a choice: either move in with him and the dog or don't.
I wouldn't give up my dog either and I'd think really poorly of anyone who did unless it was totally unavoidable, eg elderly person going into a home.

GahBuggerit Mon 04-May-15 16:02:39

youll have to either live apart until the dog.....you know.

or walk away. those are the only choices imo.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 04-May-15 16:03:02

While he has a dog you cannot live in the same house together. It's that simple. But it doesn't need to mean the end of your relationship. To my mind, keeping separate households has more going for it than against it, most especially when both parties have children from previous relationships.

ThisFenceIsComfy Mon 04-May-15 16:03:38

You can't ask him to get rid of his dog. End of.

It's up to you if you want to move in with him or not.

Greyhorses Mon 04-May-15 16:05:06

It's your choice either way but surely you were aware of the dog long before now? What do you expect him to do with the dog? It's not that easy to rehome a dog especially if it's older it may well end up in the wrong hands or euthanised.

For what it's worth I think your partner is doing the right thing keeping his commitment to look after it, when most people get pets they are for life and are not disposable.

If you don't want to live with it then I think yanbu to end the relationship, after all once that dog is gone I bet he will want another and it will forever cause arguments smile

NotNowBono Mon 04-May-15 16:06:13

I refuse to live with it and he refuses to give it up. I have not asked him to choose between me and the dog

Well, strictly speaking, you have asked him to choose. My sympathy is split - you can't help being allergic, and if it's impossible for you to live with a dog, it's impossible. (How did you manage with your parents' dog?) But equally, it's part of his family, he's cared for it for a long time, and presumably his kids are attached to it as well. Older dogs are very hard to rehome. How old is it? I'm afraid I wouldn't rehome my dogs for a partner either.

CupidStuntSurvivor Mon 04-May-15 16:06:38

Neither of you is being unreasonable. Until you say the relationship will end if he doesn't give up the dog. You're not compatible. It's unfortunate, but you can't expect a dog lover to discard a family member and he can't expect someone with allergies to live with a dog.

Justusemyname Mon 04-May-15 16:09:01

If he really called you pathetic and unreasonable I'd be finishing the relationship for that.

YANBU whereas he is trying to be controlling...

MissingYouSoMuch Mon 04-May-15 16:09:15

You will have to walk away I guess. I sincerely hope you do not end up giving him an ultimatum. That really would be a shitty, selfish thing to do, As has been stated before you knew he had a dog.

Dalfie Mon 04-May-15 16:10:08

Thanks for your replies. Just to reiterate, I haven't asked him to get rid of his dog - I don't expect him to and have told him that I respect his wishes and to keep his dog and the life he has now and I will go.

Its tough not living together - due to his working hours we just cannot spend any time together apart from that on the weekends when the children all play together. I say it will fizzle put because it is getting frustrating for us both not being able to spend time as a couple albeit a few hours before and after work in the week.

I think I will just have to leave the relationship - I am upset, but I suppose some things are just not meant to be. The frustration of living apart is just too much at the mo, I don't know how long I can keep it up.

Dalfie Mon 04-May-15 16:12:17

Dog is 3 years old.

shewept Mon 04-May-15 16:13:28

You are asking him to though. You are going to break up with him because he won't give up his dog. Or will you tell him another reason, or are you hoping he will give in so you don't break up with him.

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