Even in the 1950s this cannot have been "right"

[PuddingandPie1]

My twin brother died in 1964 from an asthma attack on the way home from our primary school. Looking back I don't think that I was ever given any support after Stephen died. Certainly not from the school, Stephen became a non-person, never to be mentioned again. We had twin desks in the classroom and of course he and I had been put together but after he died I just sat at the same double desk on my own.

Mum was allowed, even encouraged, by the family and the community to show emotion but Dad and I were expected to do the old stiff upper lip job. It isn't surprising that I ended up bitterly resented Stephen for years, certainly well into my 20s. Every nice thing that ever happened to me seemed to be tainted by his death and I, stupidly, started thinking that I didn't matter to my parents.

I suspect that the main reason it took me close to 50 years to find closure was due to the lack of support in the 12 months after Stephen died and it makes me as mad as hell to think that!

[NewtRipley]

You poor thing.

I suppose I'd say that ideas of what is "right" have always been affected by what is easier or more comfortable for someone or other.

[Birdsgottafly]

Emotional needs weren't addressed, unless you were very lucky.

I would say that your Mum was lucky, my MIL lost a son, he fell from a tree and she wasn't expected to express any emotions about this, just get on with running the house.

I work with children, even up to around six years ago, support wasn't given for lots of major life events, death of a parent, loss of Sibling (to death or Foster/Adoption), sexual abuse etc.

The services are still patchy.

[CailinDana]

It wasn't stupid of you to think you didn't matter, their actions said that very clearly to you, even if that wasn't actually what they felt.

I know how much having your feelings disregarded can affect you, it happened to me a lot as a child. It has damaged all aspects of my life.

On top of that you had to deal with the death of your twin, which is awful even with the best support.

You have every right to be mad. Talk to that little girl you once were, tell her she matters and give her a big hug. Poor thing.

[LarrytheCucumber]

It seems wrong to us now but as a child of the fifties it doesn't surprise me at all. My grandfather died when I was 7 and no one seemed to think that I would be upset, although my mother wore a black mourning armband.
I know that it isn't as bad as losing a twin but it left me very confused and feeling as though no one cared about me.

[KnackeredMuchly]

It is awful even 60 years ago, some of the stories are incredible.

My mother at a young age (say 4) scalded herself very badly and had to spend weeks in hospital. Her family were not allowed to visit as it upset the children too much When she got better, she had no idea who she was sent to live with as even her Mum became a stranger.

[PuddingandPie1]

Actually I was a little boy then but I know what you mean! "Confused" is exactly the right word - I was confused at the funeral as to why nobody spoke to me to find out how I was feeling and I was confused why birthday parties were deemed to be "unseemly" for years after Stephen died.

[ruddynorah]

My mum died when I was 9. Never discussed afterwards.

[Silvercatowner]

My father died when I was 5. It was never spoken of. My mum grieved but I don't recall anyone recognising my grief and loss. That was what happened then. It's what people did.

[Silvercatowner]

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there"

[PrincessBabyCat]

My dad was born in that time period, and I don't think I've ever seen him cry or admit to any emotion that would make him seem vulnerable.

[Silvercatowner]

I wonder whether it is because our (those of us in our 50s and older) parents had lived through a war, and whose parents had lived through the 1st world war. Perhaps there was so much grief and suffering that a stiff upper lip was essential.

[swampytiggaa]

My dad died when I was 8. It was 1978. I was on pack holiday with the Brownies at the time and told when I got home... after the funeral.

I remember my mum telling me and me being hugely upset but then it was back to school on Monday and never mentioned again by anyone.

Had a huge negative impact on my life.

[Suddengeekgirl]

My mum had an older brother. He died when she was little (but old enough to remember him), I think he was maybe 8. I didn't even know he existed until I was in my 20s!
He was just never talked about again, by anyone. Almost like he had never existed.
I think my gran just got on with things, she had 5 other children (and may have been pg when the boy died). My mum just talks about his death like it was just something that happened - like being hit by teachers at school, or playing out in the fields, or fighting with a sibling - an every day occurrence that didn't merit a fuss.

I don't think people really bothered with their 'feelings' back then. :(

[RainbowsStars]

That's awful OP.

My former neighbour had a still birth in the 1960s, she wasn't told if she had a boy or a girl and she said the baby was just put in a bucket at the end of the bed and then taken away. It seems almost unbelievable but sadly it wasn't.

It was a bit better later but not a lot, I had a still birth and as I was leaving the hospital I saw the smoke from a chimney, for whatever reason I stupidly asked what it was and they bluntly said that they were burning all the clinical waste.

[RainbowsStars]

Sorry, 1950s not 1960s re my former neighbour.

[AbiAbi]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Services are still crap - DH and I saw DS1 pass away (few weeks old) and walked out of the hospital two hours later with a ...leaflet

I am so sorry you were unsupported, life can be utter shit sometimes.

[HappyAgainOneDay]

Silvercatowner

You might be right. Surrounded by war deaths and illness leading to death before immunisation or penicillin (eg measles or TB or diphtheria) meant that we were surrounded by deaths for years. We were therefore used to it and became immune and no longer had any tears to shed. I don't shed tears at funerals (one doesn't) but do when I'm alone.

[ILikeWarmHugs]

I'm sorry for your loss, and that it has stayed with you all this time. I didn't want to read and run.

[RainbowsStars]

AbiAbi so sorry for your loss as well.

I had another baby and was told that it didn't matter about having a still birth because that baby had been replaced.

[CMOTDibbler]

Alas, it wasn't right, but was the 'normal' attitude of the time.
In the 50's, my grandmother was in hospital for over a year - her three children were allowed to see her once, on Easter Sunday, through a window in the entire time. She wasn't infectious or anything like that, it was just thought to be best all round.

[KurriKurri]

I am the same generation as you, and I know of other stories similar to yours. I think there was a different perception of the needs of children, and a different attitude to the expression of grief.

I'm so sorry your life has been affected in this way, I also lost a brother - although I was in my twenties when he died -and a friend who like you had lost a brother when they were children lent me this book which I found helpful.
I think the untimely death of a sibling affects people enormously even when treated sensitively. There are all sorts of feelings of guilt, fear and confusion, and also worries about the relationship with parents which should be the secure basis for childhood. The fact that your grief as a little boy was so badly mishandled is very sad.

[Thumbwitch]

For a long time people seemed to think that children were almost another species, that they had no feelings. Some doctors used to operate on new babies without anaesthetic because they thought that their nervous systems were too immature to register pain, FFS! bloody idiots

Children had no status, no power, no recognition - so it's not that surprising that you were ignored and expected to get on with it but it's still very sad and awful for you. Parents weren't given much more recognition either, not for a long time - my Mum's second baby died a few hours after birth in 1970 and there was no option for her to see him, no grief counselling, nothing - just telling her to get pg again as soon as she can, have another baby to "replace" (!) this one and forget about it. As if! Poor woman never really got over it. :(

Very sad for the loss of your twin though.

[sunshinecity17]

My auntie was at fullterm with her first baby when she developed eclampsia and went into a coma..The baby died and was surgically removed from her and when she woke up there was no trace of it and it was never mentioned again.When she got home all the baby things were completely removed from the house and it was never mentioned.
Worse yet perhaps my mum was in a childrens home age 11 (dad dead and mum ill) and asked one of the care workers as she home from school one day why her mum hadn't written to her for ages and was told 'oh she died six weeks ago'

[Kundry]

Unfortunately it sounds entirely normal for the time. Schools were places of learning (where if you didn't learn there was corporal punishment) and pastoral care as we understand it didn't exist.

Your mum was allowed to have emotions, being a woman, but not helped to deal with them or support you - of course you needed a birthday!

Your dad wasn't allowed to have emotions being a man, so he also couldn't support you and had to just button it up.

You had a double whammy of being a child and a boy. I suspect you were told you had to be a big boy or little man and not a lot of thought was given to the fact you had lost a brother and you now had 2 parents investing their hopes, dreams, guilt and resentment in one very small person.

Very few people were child centred in the way we understand it now. Lots of people no doubt cared about you but it wouldn't have occured to them to ask you about your feelings at the funeral as it was 'adult time'. It's actually amazing you went to it at all.

[sillystring]

I think it was quite "normal" at the time and even later. A neighbour of ours died of an asthma attack when he was 18 years old, this was in the mid 70s. He had 5 older sisters. I was about 9 or 10 when it happened and I saw one of his sisters and said "I'm really sorry about your brother" and was promptly told "shut up, we don't talk about that".