to be so annoyed? Deep sleepers.

(89 Posts)
KateRambeau Wed 23-Apr-14 09:24:01

I genuinely don't know if IABU because I'm such a light sleeper.

Our DD, 5, has an illness which means we have to get up and check her in the night and if needed - provide medication.

I go to bed around 10-11, my DH never comes to bed at this time and prefers to stay up playing on computer games etc. Pretty much every single night he falls asleep downstairs, he'll rest his head on the sofa for a minute and then that will be it until morning.

So, when it's his 'turn' to check DD, he sets an alarm on his phone in case he doesn't make it upstairs.

This is pointless, however, as he never wakes up. Last night was the final straw, I felt really poorly and I was so glad for it not to be my turn. But I woke at 4am and he hadn't been in. Again. This keeps happening. I came down to make breakfast and he was asleep on the sofa with controller in hand.

I was very annoyed, as this keeps happening and I find it unfair. He was embarrassed and went off to work without an apology, but I've just had an email from him saying that he's very sorry, he sets 8 alarms but sleeps through them and the only times that he has managed to go in to her during the night - he's been waiting up until 3am to do it! Because he 'doesn't trust himself'.

I am really, really tired of being the one to shoulder all of the responsibility. But I wondered if deep sleepers could tell me, is my anger here futile? Is there really nothing he can do to make sure he wakes up? Should I just give up and do all of the night checks myself?

He has also been known to fall asleep on the train on the way home from work and miss his stop, so I guess he does have sleep issues to an extent.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Apr-14 09:27:32

He manages to get up to go work.

He is staying up too late. He needs to go to bed with you. Same time. No more gaming.

lollerskates Wed 23-Apr-14 09:29:42

He's staying up too late. That's his "sleep issue. "

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 23-Apr-14 09:30:39

He doesn't have sleep issues. He has "I'm an idiot and can't use my brain to prioritise" issues.

My dp is just the same. Everytine it's my turn fir a lie in he falls asleep on the sofa in the day.

Drives me bloody mad so I have nothing but sympathy fur you op it sounds really hard and he's being selfish. thanks

SmallBee Wed 23-Apr-14 09:32:49

A friend has this issue and found their sleep improved with an earlier bedtime. No screens in the bedroom( TV, phone etc) & a hot shower before bed. Basically an adult wind down time before bed. Not sure if it will help him but it's worth a try. Good luck.

CaptChaos Wed 23-Apr-14 09:34:17

Can he not, on the nights when he's supposed to get up to his child, go to bed at the same time as you? Surely he can 'game' on the other nights? That way, even if his alarm doesn't 'wake' him, you can wake him.

His sleep issues stem from him staying up pretending he's a bloody teenager every night.

KateRambeau Wed 23-Apr-14 09:34:30

See, that's my feeling too. I feel like he is being selfish, and he is quite immature generally. But, when he's telling me in a tearful voice that he 'can't help it' I wonder if I'm being mean, but then I feel like I'm being made a fool of.

I feel like crying too, to be honest. It's so relentless, I have to go in and out of school 3 times throughout the day to sort DD out and it just doesn't stop, a full nights sleep would really help.

I also feel like, we should be sleeping in the same bed! sad

Catflap1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:34:50

I'm quessing your dd has a serious life threatening illness if you need to check her through the night?

You mention he falls asleep on train etc, maybe it's not a problem with being a heavy sleeper maybe it's more to do with him staying up on the computer and falling asleep in front of tv! His quality of sleep will be poor and when your that tired you will sleep through!

Maybe suggest a trial where he actually goes to bed at a normal time and see if you can improve this sleep habits that way!

I don't think you are BU if you dd is that poorly that you have to set alarms to check through the night then surley this is both your responsibility! I'm a single parent but when I was married I was a SAHP and EXH worked, he never once done a night feed, got up to a ill child ex it was something I always done!

I like gaming, I have always been a LP (more or less) to my youngest with SN.

She would need attention during the night etc, because if this I limited my game time and went to bed so that I was able to adequately care for my children.

I have to do the same, now, as a Carer to two people in my family.

If I know that I will have guaranteed "time off", then I will stay up late and have a drink/fall asleep on the couch.

He knows that you will pick up the slack, so is taking the piss.

Catflap1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:37:56

It sound to me like you have your work cut out anyway having to go into school etc, the level of care your child requires is above what most people have to deal with!

You need help and he should be doing his bit when he is around to help out

KateRambeau Wed 23-Apr-14 09:38:38

Yes, she does have a life threatening illness. It is essential that we check her during the night.

I will speak to him about going to bed earlier.

It's all such a mess sad

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 23-Apr-14 09:38:44

Tell him that if he starts coming off the computer, coming to bed at a sensible time and still has problems, then you will have some sympathy and concern fir him.

I would however bet my last penny on him being to wired after games to sleep, staying up til he drops then wondering why an earthquake won't shift him.

Funny how your knackered and still manage to get up. It's nothing to do with being a light sleeper and everything to do with it being ingrained in your head that this is what you have to do and there's no choice and you make sure you do it.

He is being selfish op whether he means to or not he knows you are there so the urgency just isn't there for him.

SirNoel Wed 23-Apr-14 09:38:54

It's not about how deeply he sleeps, it's about how he needs to grow up.

Take into account that having a child with such high care needs, needs both parents to be part of the plan.

It is nothing like a Working parent not doing night feeds for a few months.

A high percentage of parents of disabled children split up, this isn't through stress alone, but because, usually the Father, won't compromise any part of their life to care for their children.

It's time for straight talking.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 23-Apr-14 09:41:36

If he was in bed with you, you'd wake up at the alarm and could kick nudge him awake. At least then you wouldn't be getting up and would probably fall back to sleep quickly.

Twistiesandshout Wed 23-Apr-14 09:45:26

Dh used to be like this, it took 2 years and I finally 'broke' I put my foot down and managed him like a child telling him to go to bed, making sure he did, setting his phone alarm or waking him up when needed in the night.

It took about 2 weeks of treating him like a child to break his old routine. Happily for the past 1.5 years he's managed to get himself to bed at reasonable time and wakes when needed for dc in the night. I wish I hadn't had to resort to treating him like a child but given it was the only real issue we had I'm glad we got it sorted.

You are both parents he needs to be responsible too.

KateRambeau Wed 23-Apr-14 09:45:55

The one night he did come to bed the same time as me, within an hour he was having a coughing fit and disappeared downstairs for a drink and never returned! He has mild asthma but hasn't been to the doctors or renewed his prescription for 3 years. Another issue that he won't get a hold of sad

That's how I feel Giles that he can only have the luxury of not managing to get up because I'm here to do it! Of course he denies that, though.

I do worry Birds that it's coming between us. I'm desperate, absolutely desperate, for things to be good.

Gileswithachainsaw Wed 23-Apr-14 09:50:38

Then how does he expect to help look after a child with severe health issues when he won't even look after himself? Does he eat properly? If his asthma is going untreated and he's not taking care of himself then I'd have even less sympathy for him! You have enough on your plate and tbh I'm worried about you now. Can you go stay with a friend or family just so you can get a good nights sleep ? Are you entitled to any care? Can you get a nurse in for a couple of nights? spend dh's hard earned money on something useful rather than another game thanks brew

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 23-Apr-14 09:51:10

He needs to sort this out. What if you had to have an overnight stay in hospital?

You are a light sleeper because you are in the habit of waking up. I was a bad sleeper when DS2 was because my subconscious was always expecting to be woken.

What wakes him up for work? Habit?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 23-Apr-14 09:52:21

I think he needs to be solely responsible for a week to "make" the habit of waking up. If that means you wake him then go back to sleep, so be it.

KateRambeau Wed 23-Apr-14 09:53:52

No Giles he doesn't eat properly, in fact we had a discussion about this at weekend as it's such hard work planning meals around him. He literally eats chicken (breaded or breast only but no skin), burgers, cheese on toast, or pasta but only the stuffed pasta or curry - takeaway food etc. He will eat jacket potatoes at a push. We (DD & I) were having spaghetti bolognese and I just wanted him to try it so we could all eat together but he went to the chippy.

Oh dear, peeling back the layers doesn't feel too great.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Apr-14 09:54:07

He is taking the piss. He can help it, he does not want to.

ROARmeow Wed 23-Apr-14 09:55:35

is he not concerned enough about his did enough to bother his are to give her the care she needs at night?

isn't about giving you a break or having you stand over him shaking your fist.

if he was any way decent he'd bin his games, go to sleep like someone with a bit of sense and do what he has to do.

my blood boils for you op, and your little dd.

angry angry

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 23-Apr-14 09:56:07

Does he do any exercise? That can help with healthy sleep patterns.

ILiveOnABuildsite Wed 23-Apr-14 09:56:42

I really think yanbu and as pp have said I think an earlier bedtime might help a lot.

However can I just say I am a really deep sleeper and although I go to bed earlyish (10:30-11:00) and I sleep in the bedroom next to my dd I don't always hear her if she wakes in the night. Or it can take a little while to wake up for her, I'm not one of those of wake up as soon as they hear their dc cry, talk, awake. If dh wakes in the night to go to the loo he could talk to me and switch all the lights on I still wouldn't wake up and our dog sometimes asks to go out at night and I don't hear him at all. I only wake for dd because I think some maternal instinct is a work there but still I won't wake for her as easily as dh will.

Having said that, I think if your dh is a deep sleeper and he knows it then I should be putting things in places to make sure he wakes up, obviously the alarms are not working but they might if he were in bed sleeping more comfortably and earlier. Also can I ask if he drinks at all in the evening (I don't mean loads or anything) but I can't drink if dd is at home with us because even one or two glasses of wine and I will sleep so deeply I wouldn't hear her even if she were screaming! How about a baby monitor on his side of the bed, he might react better to the sound of his child to wake him then an alarm? The sound of dd is the only that wakes me in the night.

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