Opinions Please

[Truffles04]

This is going to be a long one I'm afraid and I apologise in advance for that and if I've posted in the wrong place :)

Me and my partner have some pretty huge differences. A number of disagreements are on parenting (I should also include that I'm stepmum to his 2 daughters - 5 and 7 years old - not their biological mum) and its seriously leaving me questioning whether we're right for each other.

I'm of the opinion that a childs needs should come first, the parents needs 2nd and the child and adult "wants" should be of joint importance depending on what they are. However my partner never ever puts our needs before the kids wants. Example, there was one night he picked a huge argument when I was at work - and I made time for it because it was a make or break situation....yet he just stopped replying and then later told me it was because the eldest had wanted his phone to play games on it. I'm of the opinion he shouldve told her no, not tonight (in fact personally I dont think young kids should be spending that long with a mobile phone due to them not having as thick/dense skulls as ours to protect from possible radiation but they both have had their own mobile since the age of 2, I'm not their biological parent so who am I to argue).


He won't make them do anything they don't want to do. He just allows them to play xbox and watch tv all day. Being quite honest, they have no respect for anything.

I worry about them too because the eldest can't read or write at all (they're "homeschooled"....i use that in quotations as I've never seen any actual useful learning going on unless you count "its the green button" talking about xbox controllers). I feel this is a huge mistake because younger kids tend to learn faster and have a better grasp than kids that start later in life.

The youngest still hadnt had a present I bought her just after christmas because she refused to say thank you. 3 weeks ago I told him I'd give her another month and if she still hadn't said it, I would give it to my cousins daughter so at least someone would get use out of it. 2 weeks ago he gave it to her while I was at work because she asked for it. I was livid. First because we had both agreed she wasn't getting it until she said thank you but also because it wasnt a joint present, it was from me alone and therefore, imo he had no right to make a decision about it without consulting me (I have the kind of job they dont mind friends/family calling providing i still do my job). But this happens quite often with my things. I get treats for us all, him and the girls eat theirs within a day, where I space mine out - or try to.....only once he's ate his own, he eats mine and when I go to get one (usually after looking forward to it all day at work), theres none left. I actually have autistic/ocd tendencies - especially with food and manners. There was a incident in Feb where he helped himself to things I'd been given as xmas presents that I'd specifically asked him not to touch, and he admitted he had done it despite knowing how I would feel about it. To me that just means he doesnt respect my wishes. He kept telling me how I was weird and his friends all think he shouldnt have to ask and I eventually said to him after listening to it a dozen times "I really dont care what your friends think because they didnt belong to them, they were mine and if I wanted you to ask, you shouldve asked". Now everyone I know expects their OH to ask if they want something that was bought specifically for them (I'm not the same way about shared food like potatoes, salad etc), so not sure if its perhaps regional differences although we only grew up 30 or so miles away!

He goes on and on about how he's anti-violence, yet he gets quite violent verbally. Last week he even told me I was being a c* then denied it 5 minutes later (he sent it in a voice clip while I was at home so I definitely wasnt mistaken). Regularly tells me I'm not normal, I'm weird, I'm gullible, I'm stupid etc if my views/opinion doesnt match his.

He regularly makes plans without me and then gets mad at me because I cant/dont want to go along with whatever he planned (like before xmas he made plans with the girls, his uncle, aunt, cousin and cousins partner n kids to go through and see them using my car, but didnt ask me. Then got mad that I had agreed to a shift swap to help a colleague out despite having no clue that he'd made these plans. My response was that perhaps he should try making plans as a couple, that way he has a right to be angry if I back out.

I'm wary as I've been in an abusive relationship in the past. And quite a few things he does strikes me as controlling/abusive. His ex is a neurotic mess thats childlike in her dependency sometimes but I've been trying to figure out if shes that way because of him (he says one thing then a week later will say something that completely contradicts the first, also takes what you say and twists it into something completely different too - not just a misunderstanding), if he's that way (used to making decisions without consulting etc) because of her or whether they're both just a happy coincidence.

I'm not someone who would expect someone to change their parenting to suit me. But i'm not someone who wants to start a family knowing there are going to be huge issues with parenting and the helping himself thing is a issue for me too - although now it more of an issue because he feels its okay to disregard my wishes because he doesnt agree with them. I've tried explaining its not just a case of being disappointed for me due to my issues. I'm sure some of you will be able to understand. I hate unexpected change in general. I'm fine if i have time to bring myself round to the idea with most things (time needed depends on whats changing - cant even change furniture around or i cant sleep) but I dont cope well with things suddenly not being how they should be. Its probably made worse by the fact that I usually try to cope with everything on my own. I feel its my issue so I shouldnt put that burden on someone else. Some of my nearest and dearest dont know the half of it and just think I have a few "quirks", but I told my partner and tried to explain because I wanted to make this work.

Sorry for offloading but I find it easier to express myself and open up with written words than spoken. I also want the opinions of some unbiased people (although my post is obviously biased as its came from me, and he will tell you another story....some of it is just a difference in perception and others will be the jekyll n hyde moments like calling me the c word and denying doing it).

If this jekyll/hyde thing was down to a personality disorder, I could fully understand that and would probably try that bit harder. As it stands, I'm not sure whether it is a mental issue or whether its just his personality.

Personally with regards to the girls, I'd like to spend a few hours a day actually learning stuff. Then if they've been good etc, they can be rewarded with tv/games for a set period of time. They can also start helping around the house (nothing too big, more just to learn them the value of money and earning things rather than actually putting them to labour) in exchange for pocket money. We should have "family" time together - outdoors pref - and also a family meeting regualrly so the girls can contribute and air any grievances. But he should have alone time with them too, just the three of them. I want the girls to succeed in life and be happy, but I can't see that happening if things continue as they are. I understand my OH wants to give them everything, but no one else they meet in life is going to do the same. IMO he's just setting them up for a fall.

Again, sorry for the rambling and jumping back and forth between parenting differences/relationship issues but they're all kind of interlinked. I'm hoping someone can share some views or of their own experience of similar circumstances that might offer me some more clarity. As it stands I've just had a constant headache for weeks trying to think things through!

[almondcakes]

Do the girls live with you and your partner most of the time? Is he a SAHD if he is home schooling them?

[AgentZigzag]

Without getting into who's right/wrong on how he chooses to parent his children, you don't seem to gel as a couple.

Sorry if you've said and I've missed it, but how long have you been together/lived together?

Are you planning on having children with him?

If you are, don't go through with it! You haven't mentioned that you have children yourself, but even if you haven't and your ideas about parenting are unrealistic (which IMO some are, especially not giving the little girl her present for not saying thank you ), you need to have at least roughly the same thinking on DC or you'd be constantly falling out.

Just out of interest, why are your SDC home schooled? Does their mum sort it?

[almondcakes]

My short opinion on this would be that your partner is not good for you as he a. Criticises you a lot, b. Swears at you and then lies about it and c. Discusses your alleged shortcomings with other people and then tells you about it.

Your ideas about the girls seem unrealistic, overly formal and the present thing seems mean.

[IneedAwittierNickname]

Do the girls live with you?
You don't sound compatible as a couple if I'm honest, and I don't get the present thing, how can she say thank-you for something you haven't yet given her?

[Truffles04]

Almondcakes....we have the girls half the week, their mum has them the other half.

The not giving her the present until she said thank you was actually his suggestion, but I did agree with it because her manners are terrible and its something we're trying to work on at the moment, wasnt done forcefully or anything like that, more just as inconsequential and why its important to thank people for gifts. The phrase she uses is "i want", always a demand and never a request. I was brought up that "i want doesnt get". And even now manners - especially in children - is a huge thing here. Actually a bit surprised at your responses to that part (was expecting those types of responses at other stuff but not that! lol) as it would be standard here that if your kids dont thank people they're unlikely to get anything and would be viewed as ungrateful little brats.

My OH does actually think the girls need discipline/manners (or at least he says he does and blames the ex for how the girls are - but I can see how he encourages the very behaviour he complains about).

Agentzigzag.....we've only been together a year (for me thats a "only a year".....if it was up to him we'd probably be married already!). Did live together for 6 months but I recently moved back to my own place due to being miserable and feeling like a non-person when I was there.


No no no. No way am I planning to have kids with him. The reason I dont have kids of my own is due to life experiences of knowing exactly what it takes to raise kids at an early age. Despite not having kids of my own, I do have years of parenting experience, including with previous stepchildren and always have great relationships with kids, I think they're a lot smarter than most people give them credit for because they tend to simplify things. I have no plans to have children until I find someone I am happy having in my life for the rest of my life. Although I do want kids eventually.

The kids are homeschooled because the eldest went to school one day and didnt like it. They're both supposed to organise it as they share custody pretty equally.

[NoodleOodle]

You don't sound suited. I'm pretty shocked that the children can't read too.

[melissandra]

It all sounds utterly bonkers. Do you really need to ask if you're compatible? It's quite plain to me.

I don't understand why you've brought up that they're home educated (home school in the US) and what relevance it has to your op. They may be autonomously educated. You don't seem aware of their educational philosophy? And as regards reading and writing. Some HE children read later but catch up, and overtake, their peers.

And arguing by text message,and a make or break situation? Grow up!

[melissandra]

I don't believe in paying children for helping around the house, personally.

You do seem to have unrealistic expectations, too.

[Truffles04]

Yeah I've kind of suspected that for a while now. I just never really know where I stand with him because of him saying/doing one thing then completely contradicting it with something else. Another reason I thought an outsiders view may help bring clarity, as I have no clue where the goalposts are.

As for the reading, I find it pretty shocking but then I was reading books on my own from the age of 3-4 so I'm perhaps biased in my views that way.

Thanks for the replies btw guys. They're all appreciated.

[Truffles04]

Melissandra I'm well aware homeducating (he says schooling btw, no idea why its an issue for you) works and that its not necessarily conventional/traditional learning. But I dont believe that sitting on a sofa playing games/watching tv all day is educationally healthy especially with little or no interaction from the parent apart from to hand them food/juice. Its not as if its been a holiday period of sorts, its been a year of the same.

You're free to call my expectations unrealistic if you wish, but I can assure you they're realistic and have been achieved. Its hard to say the least but it can be done - with bumps along the way of course :) Or were you talking about other expectations?

I'm not talking about being strict with them. Just it worries me as the eldest interacts as if shes a 4 year old and the youngest interacts as if shes still a toddler (i've studied child psychology, that is why it is worrying me, they're at the stage of being very impressionable and not advancing at all). They need encouragement of some kind or even fun ways to learn, crash bandicoot isnt really a great learning opportunity, its fun but thats about it unless either of the girls want to be a thumb wrestler.

The pocket money thing, fair enough. Again, just what I was brought up with, that if you want nice things in life, you need to earn them.

[GarlicAprilShowers]

You've been in abusive relationship in the past.
You're in another one now.

Actually, I think you sound very insightful about what's going on in the family setup, and in yourself. The one thing you haven't done is given yourself permission not to be abused any more. You're nearly there, though, aren't you?

It's a great pity these children are going to grow up with unhelpful ideas about the world. But I don't think you're in a position to fix it for them. You can fix your own future, though.

[differentnameforthis]

How old are the kids?

[chantico]

"I have no plans to have children until I find someone I am happy having in my life for the rest of my life"

I found this a telling sentence.

Why are you staying with this man? Does he have any good points?

[CoffeeTea103]

Op you sound fully aware of the failings in your relationship. You've described in detail how unsuited you are. You should seriously think of leaving. You will always be clashing as you both are so unsuitable. More so his children sound like a nightmare tbh, imagine dealing with them as teenagers. It's been a year with him, too soon to be having this amount of problems, too long that you've stuck with this nonsense.

[Only1scoop]

I think you have very different values even though he tries to make you think differently. I would find your situation unbearable.

[HarderToKidnap]

He's called you a cunt. You have fundamental issues with the way he's raising his children, and no way to realistically address them. You're having steaming rows. And you've only been together a year!!! And you're not living together!!! Wash your hands of this mess, you'll feel a huge relief. You don't need to stay and save this, there is nothing worth saving here. I feel relieved for you that you can just walk away. Do it!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

You're far too good for him.
Run.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Walk away from this relationship.

He is verbally abusive.
He ignores your requests knowing it'll upset you [ the food issue]
He discusses you with his friends and tells you of their criticisms.

He's a twat and you deserve better, I think you already know that.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I agree with GarlicAprilShowers. You are currently in an abusive relationship. I think that trumps the problem that you have incompatible views about parenting. This man does not respect you at all. It sounds like he undermines you frequently. You deserve better.

[differentnameforthis]

So she has to thank you before she gets her presents?

I am quite hard on my girls re manners & thanks etc, but withholding a gift (I assume her sister got hers) UNTIL she says thank you, is unrealistic. If the father thinks they need discipline, he is going the wrong way about it.

You say thank you on receiving something, not before you are given it.

You seem to have unrealistic expectations of these children.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Jesus!

He takes the trouble to send you a voice clip of him calling you anusive names and then says you are weird? Because you reasonably expect your possessions not to be appropriated because his children can't hear the word 'no' and neither can he?

He is basically abusing his children - he's withholding an esucatiin from them. He's an appalling parent and a pretty shit partner. He has little social skill, no respect for you and I'd he had his way would have you married and installed as chief cook and bottle washer within six months. Oh, but anything you say regarding the children will obviously be ignored.

You've only been with this utter loser a year- get out. Your instincts are correct. Find a normal decent person to have children with. And when you leave, talk to the local authority about your concerns for the childrens' education. If what you say is true, they need intervention before their life chances are completely blighted.

[antimatter]

The kids are homeschooled because the eldest went to school one day and didnt like it. They're both supposed to organise it as they share custody pretty equally.
does that mean both parents don't work because of that?

[goodtimesinbontemps]

Honestly your dp sounds like an ass and he is doing his dds a disservice by letting them sit playing games and watch tv all day, that's not home schooling! Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do about that because they are his children but the best thing you can do for yourself is leave this relationship. For what it's worth I don't think your ideas are unrealistic, my children get pocket money for chores they do and would be expected to say thank you for gifts. He will under mine you every time because its you against them, do yourself a favour and move on, you will never be happy there x

[Objection]

Take my first ever "LTB", OP.

I don't write that lightly but if everything in your post is true; you need to go before things get worse.