Well I do have a child and it is a Tuesday afternoon...(142 Posts)
A friend invited me to meet her tomorrow afternoon as she is off work.
I was quite happy to get the invite as I haven't seen her in some time. Explained I would (obviously) have DD with me and did she fancy a late lunch?
I got a response saying she would rather just meet for a couple of glasses of wine (it is at 2pm). I have no problem having a glass of wine or 2 with food but it really doesn't sit too comfortably with me to just go a meet to share a bottle of wine. It means taking my DD somewhere strapping her into a highchair and then expect her to sit there for a couple of hours with a colouring book or jigsaw. She 2.5 and to be honest it'll be bloody boring for her.
Have replied saying that it would be a bit boring for DD but I know a place we could get coffee close to where I was going to meeting her, it has a play corner for the kids which means we could catch up (like she wants) and DD can play. Win, win?
No apparently not. She has replied with "forget it".
I get that my friend doesn't have children and her idea of fun isn't going to soft play or going to the local farm so I wouldn't suggest it. AIBU to be pissed that she doesn't recognise that if she wants to meet during the week I will have DD with me and it isn't fair to expect my DD to sit quietly while I tuck into a bottle of wine chatting to my friend.
I am pretty pissed off that she neglects to accept that my life has changed. I can't do the things she wants me to do all the time. If she had sent a text saying "fancy a girly night out" I would have happily arranged for my Mum to babysit one night.
WIBU to just do as she said and "forget it" because I am annoyed or should I really go back and say something like "how about I sort a babysitter for 2-3 weeks time and we go out for a proper catch up?"
Also AIBU to not want to take my DD to the pub? (If I am I still wont change my mind to be honest but would be good to know)
What a nightmare. I'm not sure if there's a plan as such, but she has definitely been fed exH's side of the story and is giving herself some kind of justification for being with him: "his ex was a total bitch" "his ex ditched all her friends" "his ex never let him do XYZ" "his ex took his daughter away" - you know he wants nothing to do with DD, but maybe she needs to believe it's all YOUR fault. If she's fallen for him... if she's thinking about having her own kids, etc... she NEEDS to believe that all of his faults are down to YOU. There's not much you can do about that, except take the moral high ground and walk away from the pair of them.
I have all of my ExH texts from the day we split up (over 2 years worth) and will now keep her's too.
None of it makes sense very
It does sound like there could be something going on with them. I think you are doing the right thing by rising above it and ignoring her texts. I would keep the texts as evidence of her feelings about your DD if her or your ex ever do want contact.
And the whole weird text and self-centredness falls into place.
They deserve each other, don't be drawn into it. She probably knows deep down she is doing the wrong thing and that is why she is so twitchy.
I read both your comments last night but decided to sleep on it before replying.
I think there is definitely something amiss but I doubt very much it is to do with contact. My ExH has made it perfectly clear he has no interest in being a father to my DD. Even last year when the offer of trying to build a relationship was extended yet again. My "friend" also doesn't appear to like children very much so I can't see why she would want contact with my daughter.
I do wonder though if it could be a way to try and discredit me as a Mum. Making me look bad to justify their own actions? I doubt I'll ever really know exactly what has happened the last 2 days as I am not lowering myself to ask and I doubt the information will be forthcoming.
One thing I do know. I will fight tooth and nail for my daughter to have the right upbringing surrounded by family that love her. If anyone ever tried to use my daughter to get to me I would fight them tooth and nail. If this is their intention I hope they are ready for a fight because nothing will ever make me back down from the decisions I've made. I'm not perfect but I know in my heart and my head that everything I have done I have done for my little girl and I'll be damned if two poor excuses of humanity will have any impact on either of our lives ever again.
Thanks so much for your replies. It has definitely helped to vent here in an anonymous place. I can give the illusion of being above their petty games whilst slating them to high heaven
And I suspect she would have been cooing things like 'oh look how good he's being, maybe you should rethink contact ' etcetc
So she is insistent you meet in a pub and a coffee shop isn't good enough. She appears to be dating your exh. Exh is an abusive alcoholic. When you won't meet in pub she sends you abuse including telling you to let exh see kid. Anyone else get the feeling this wasn't a meet up at all but more of an ambush? I suspect exh was probably going to randomly show up for some unscheduled contact.
I'm glad you thought that too Sue
But you managed it in fewer words than me!
I'm quite a
paranoid cautious person when it comes to trusting other people but the 'friend's' blatant disregard of the consequential damage to their friendship worries me, it's like she knows they won't be friends much longer anyway so she's using her for a specific reason. Otherwise, wouldn't she just stop contacting her? She's blaming her which smacks of guilt.
Two minds with but a single thought Pans......
This may sound really far-fetched - but you don't think that the two of them may be involved in some kind of plan do you?
There's something not quite right about the whole thing - and I just wondered if she was hoping to manipulate you (HAH...!) into giving your EXH contact - and then step in to play 'Mummy and Daddy' without any of the hassle?
Nah, forget it - I've been on MN too long and read too many 'unbelievable' stories....
Seriously, do not reply. It doesn't matter how tempting it is, do not reply. She's turned venomous towards you and it's clearly because your exH has got to her, making reference to allowing your exH to have access to your DD shows it's an issue at the front of her mind and she's let it come out.
I'm not sure how it works, and I don't want to scare you, but do you think she's doing ground work for him so he can gain access? Encouraging you to take your DD to a pub where you can get drunk in the middle of the day? Leaving her with babysitters while you drink in the middle of the day? It seems like an odd request, even from the most anti-child friendly people. He might be pretending to her that he desperately wants access so that he doesn't look as much if a twat as he clearly is. She might be trying to glean information from you and give him ammunition.
I'm gobsmacked at her text; referring to your DD as plus one and suggesting you don't make time for your friends. I have a very selfish friend who disappeared for a few months because of personal issues. When she came back she expected a welcome party from me, she didn't get one. She'd been MIA just after I'd had my DS, my DH has a chronic illness and then I also became ill with postnatal complications. We were still suffering when she came back, she didn't once ask how we were or if there was anything she could do. She just wanted sympathy, which I did give her but this then became an expectation whenever she was having a bad day/night. I was exhausted and had to stop responding to her before I said something.
I'd just let it go, and if she comes crawling back then I'd continue to ignore her. She doesn't deserve friends, what a cow!
I'd stick with silence OP, just make it clear to your friends what a bad attitude she's had. If she does text again then reconsider but for now stay silent, at the very least it will royally piss her off because she'll be wanting a reaction!
I don't know, I really think sometimes silence is the best option. Anything I say now would be fake. I'm seriously passed off with what she said and I don't want to pretend otherwise. To do so would feel like an injustice to myself and would almost be accepting of her attitude... I'm going to leave it for now.
If I hear from her again I'll rethink.
I wonder whether a bit of an eye roll text to say "sorry you feel that way; I wish you all the best" would be a lovely bookmark to the episode. You get to take the high road with a bit of a "there there silly little girl" feel to it. Like I do with my 6yo.
I'm definitely not replying. I have zero need or want to justify myself to her.
She clearly didn't hold our friendship in very high regard so I am not going to extend the courtesy of a reply.
What she has done is establish three things.
1. She doesn't care about you or your friendship with her.
2. She doesn't care about your daughter, not as the daughter of her friend or the daughter of her new boyfriend.
3. She doesn't have either your or your daughter's best interests at heart.
What she does have, is an agenda. Either one that she's supporting your ex in or one that she's using to ingratiate herself with him.
Either way, she's no loss to you if you decide to cut her out of your life.
I wouldn't reply to her latest text, although I would be tempted to. Let it go and let her go, because she's going to bring you nothing but trouble if you keep engaging with her.
Bridge....sounds like they deserve each other.
I've just got off the phone to the other friend I mentioned up thread. She has told me that a few friends had suspected something was maybe going on as she had been dropping him into conversations the last couple of months. Part of the reason alongside other things my friends have pulled back from her
She was very apologetic and said the only reason nobody said anything was they couldn't be sure.
It is certainly looking likely that she is in fact seeing my ExH or at the very least they have become close friends.
The sad thing is, if she had told me before today I wouldn't have been happy about it and still would have felt betrayed and probably would have pulled back on the friendship (who wouldn't?) But I also would have made it clear that my door is open to her if she needs me. Might make me a mug or a push over but I know more than anyone what he is capable of. She is walking in with her eyes wide open (although I suspect he has convinced her he is the injured party) but if the shit hit the fan I would have wanted her to know she still had someone in her corner.
The fact she has lied and said the things she has i.e referring to my DD as plus 1 and suggesting I should re-establish contact with him is unforgivable. I wouldn't wish what I went through with him on my worst enemy but knowing what she knows she can't blame anyone but herself if it goes pear shaped. And unfortunately now she has also isolated the only people who actually did care enough about her to have her back.
I'm not really angry now, I just kind of feel sorry for her. She has got herself into one sorry mess if she is involved with him. I just hope for her sake she get's out before it's too late to remain unscathed.
Oh dear, i was going to suggest that may be an option earlier, but thought better of it.
My exBF started seeing my exH and before i knew, inexplicably to me, turned up to my birthday party started slagging off my outfit, tried to get everyone to leave and go somewhere else with her. It was most strange and i didn't understand till it emerged she'd been seeing exH and was trying to cause an argument to retrospectively justify why she was right to do so.
Pathetic really. No wonder she needs so much wine! Leave her to him.
Oh yes. In that light, silence is definitely the better part of valour!
Good luck op. hope the two nasty buggers dance off into the sunset together. You deserve far far better.
Well done OP, you are incredibly mature - your DD is lucky to have you.
Funky I honestly think I would of burst out laughing. If she does happen to be with him then good luck to her she's going to need it.
It may sound horrible but from my point of view if a friend can get together with your ex knowing exactly the kind of man he is. What sort of husband he was, what kind of father he is then she has it coming. She'll learn. I certainly won't be there when it all falls apart though.
She has heavily implied that ExH is in a relationship with someone I know
Hmm...yes I suspect it is her. How chuffed would you have been if you'd taken the bus over to find that out?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.