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to be Well Jealous of those with lots of family support ie Babysitting??

(153 Posts)
mistyshouse Thu 10-Oct-13 09:17:38

my friend is jetting off to new york with her dh this morning and her 2 dcs are being looked after for the week by grandparents

this will never happen for me and dh. even though our dparents are relatively young (under 60) as MIL is a selfish arse who rarely babysits and then only for DD, as DS is not her proper grandchild (he is from my previous relationship, therefore she is not interested sad ) yet she constantly babysits her DP's GC who is not her bio GC (this whole MIL story, in itself, is a long story) and my parents both work full time and are not that keen on babysitting for more than a few hours at a time or at a push if we are desperate, overnight. but my mum has a knack of making me feel guilty about it and like a child again when i have to ask her.

we are having DC3 in april and babysitting will become even more scarce as who will want to look after 3 dcs?

aibu to be massively jealous a bit envious of the lucky lucky jammy bastards parents who have loads of babysitting options?

i wouldnt change having my dcs for anything but sometimes i would love a break

ssd Tue 15-Oct-13 21:12:59

I agree HexU.

I also have found, its people like us that have no support who would offer to help you out if they can, people with mum/sister/aunty/MIL round helping out all the time never imagine what its like and would never offer you any support, its the last thing they'd do. But finding someone in almost the same position as you is invaluable...until your kids get to the age they don't want to go to x's house as they don't like them/ they've got different hobbies or friends and they don't want to mix etc etc

HexU Mon 14-Oct-13 12:07:16

So don't be jealous and instead start making new networks - by helping others with their kids...

Good advice if you don't live in an area where everyone else has family support - then people aren't interested in your help or giving you some and don't get the problems.

Though to be fair it's not just GP here it's sisters, brothers, IL -bro/sis, cousins even older DC who provide the family support I see all around us.

I think it would grate less on me if there were more people in my position and definitely if people didn't moan about the support they get given.

loveandsmiles Mon 14-Oct-13 10:27:16

YANBU. My mum doesn't speak to us and DH family are abroad. We have 5DC so would never expect anyone to look after them all ~ they are mine and my responsibility and I don't wish them to be looked after so I can go out etc. but it would be lovely to have a GP to turn to in an emergency or just for some extra support. It would also be lovely for DC to have a special relationship with a GP.

When I had DC 5 it was a planned section. DH is self~employed and can't afford to take much time off. I had section on the Thursday and DH had to stay at home looking after DC. I came out of hospital on the Sunday and did the school run on the Monday cos DH had to get back to work ~ it's at times like this it would be wonderful to have some family help.

Those who have parents / family involved in their lives are very lucky......

ssd Mon 14-Oct-13 09:59:26

jumpjockey, I suppose it depends where you live. Near me there are loads of extended families where they all seem to help out each other all the time. Its hard when you see this all around you but can never have it yourself. And making friends with others in similar circumstances is near impossible, there is no one else in similar circumstances to me here!

foreverondiet Sun 13-Oct-13 20:39:17

My parents and parents in law rarely babysit - my parents live abroad and my mum has a chronic health condition. I however always look after my nieces / nephews and even friends kids and so my sisters and sister in laws etc reciprocate. And now than dd is 10 and ds1 is 7 their school friends parents happy to look after them. So don't be jealous and instead start making new networks - by helping others with their kids...

JumpJockey Sun 13-Oct-13 20:34:27

Previous generations, that should say

JumpJockey Sun 13-Oct-13 20:33:56

Is this all a reflection of the mobility of people "these days"? As in, DH moved from Scotland for uni and stayed down south, I moved an hour from home and stayed, so neither of us has family immediately nearby, whereas in prcious generwtions people tended to "stay put" more? Just an idle thught.

Anyway, we have very little family support, my dad is mildly disabled and not confident with the dds (2 and nearly 5) while the ILs are in scotland, my mum is dead. ILs are both in early 70s and do two days/one night a week childcare for SIL and her DH, this involves them driving 50 miles and staying away from home once a week (he works shifts so isn't consistently available) They like seeing the GCs, but are now completely tied down to when SIL and family want to go away - they are coming down to look after our two for a weekend (our first child free time since DD1 was born) and had to get her to agree first so she could arrange alternative childcare. They're starting to realise that her expectations are going too far, and that what began as helping out has become in effect a new job, when they're bth getting older and want a bit of a rest!

My own parents moved away from home so we never had the 'grandparents round the corner' thing either, and they also died when I was very young. We've just come to terms with the fact that there won't be that inbuilt network of support and the same strong relationships for the girls as they grow up, so we're trying to build them elsewhere via godparents and our own friends.

DontMentionThePrunes Sun 13-Oct-13 19:55:45

My MIL has been caught out lying about saying she would look after ds for the night. I don't trust her at all now. Half term apparently will be a great catch-up time for her and ds. Yeah yeah, right. Sad that they won't have a good relationship, livid that she lies and makes promises and won't follow through. I don't factor her into our lives now, to be honest.

It's not about the time she would take ds off my hands, not one bit. Just that he will grow up with someone who falsely fawns over him pretending she's fabulous and adores him, when actually she can't be arsed.

ssd Sun 13-Oct-13 19:39:45

Your child/children are exactly that......yours, and no one else should be expected to look after them. If they do then it's a massive bonus.

I, and most posters here, don't expect anyone to look after our children, but it would be lovely if they wanted to

even better would be to be able to share our lovely, well behaved, mannerly and very loving children with grandparents who adored them as much as us, that for me would be a dream come true (my parents have died)...that's what I'd love. for my kids more than for me.

HexU Sun 13-Oct-13 12:08:29

Your child/children are exactly that......yours, and no one else should be expected to look after them. If they do then it's a massive bonus.

Yes I agree - but I've been unable to do some medical appointments for me because DH couldn't get time off or was away and the HCP have been completely inflexible which hasn't been in anyone's interest.

I've also been told off for taking then for routine MW appointments even after saying it was that of not go - DH couldn't get time off as his leave had been used up attending his unexpected health appointments. I was lucky I could avoid hospital births else I'd have been by myself.

It's was also complete nightmare when my DH was in hospital very upset and worried but I wasn't allowed to take DC into ward or leave outside so couldn't get to see him and believe me I tried getting round that.

In these cases it's not so much lack of family or any support - it's professionals making that situation matter.

I have to say my DC school tries hard but even they have put us in situations where i can't attend meetings as DC aren't allowed or only one is - sometime when DH is around that fine other times I can't go then I feel I'm letting the DC down.

I get it would be harder if I didn't have DH even with his frequent work absences and yes Single parents do have it hard. However having said that my DSis who is a single parent has both sets of GP, several uncles and their DP, DN father and his new DP who all look after DN often at a drop of a hat and they are willing to do it for her social life as well.

VillandraMcTavish Sun 13-Oct-13 11:44:49

AAdB yes mine absolutely adores his GPs and talks often about how wonderful they are. I can't really describe how deeply I feel this. I am so sad for the realisation that is sure to come. I only hope that he remains completely oblivious, that would be the best thing! To that end I say absolutely nothing, which just adds anger to the mix because I do actually resent it and I hate lying anyway, even if it's just 'Oh yes dear they are fabulous.^

My PIL and parents were available constantly for childcare when DC were little. It was great. DH and I could swan off whenever we wanted to. The GPs used to take them on holiday for a few weeks every year too.
The upshot is that now the teenagers are very close to their GPs, are in and out of their houses every week and love them dearly. They choose to spend time with them.
When our GC come along, DH and I will be exactly the same. I already look after my toddler God Daughter to give her parents a break and I love it. I also host the DC friends every weekend which is fun.
I appreciate that this has been an ideal set up for our family and I do feel for those who get no support hmm

KittyShcherbatskaya Sun 13-Oct-13 10:43:14

YANBU. I think what irks me most are the moans along the lines of "DPs took five DCs on holiday for a fortnight and gave them a great time, but I am so annoyed they let them ruin their clothes". I would love non toxic GPs who would lovingly ruin my DCs' clothing.

AaDB Sun 13-Oct-13 10:26:57

Villandra that is the circumstance we are in. GPs are too tired to visit at the weekend because both sides are busy with our siblings children. It breaks my heart that they all have favourites and my ds gets left out in the cold. He was talking about them yesterday, saying what great GPs he has. confused hmm angry sad

I know he will start to notice that he is neglected compared to the time and money lavished on his cousins. He hasn't seen my DPS this year. They never ask after him or call him up but love him to bits. hmm He used to ask for his gps to pick him up and to go for sleepovers. We all get to a point when actions speak louder than words. If I'm lucky enough to have GC, they will feel loved.

ssd Sun 13-Oct-13 10:25:38

it is frustrating and sad and lonely

but I don't see any way round it, other than try to find people in your situation who will swap childcare with you, although I've tried to find that for years and its impossible when everyone around you has extended family on their doorstep

and as redhen says, its your children you feel sorry for the most, but I suppose if they've never had it they might not miss it?? hopefully...

MistressIggi Sun 13-Oct-13 09:15:14

It's not unwillingness of behalf of our parents/inlaws, but distance. I've noticed that other mothers of young dcs at work seem to be able to come in for extra meetings, training days that I cannot - I assume family mind their dcs at those times. Makes me look bad for not being able to do the same - before children I would not have understood how hard it is to find adhoc childcare (even if offering payment) so I doubt my boss does either.

VillandraMcTavish Sun 13-Oct-13 08:53:57

I feel sorriest for the people whose parents on in-laws won't spend time with their children, but will happily do hours and hours of what should be paid childcare for their other grandchildren.

We don't have that scenario because nobody lives close enough, but already it gives me a lump in my throat when I see my PILs travelling five hours to see our niece for a week, and balking at visiting us (an hour away) for any longer than the time it takes to drink a cup of tea.

I suppose it is down to their relationship with the parents of their grandchildren; however how do you explain that to an inquisitive child who begins to notice these things?

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Sat 12-Oct-13 16:10:59

Another lone parent here, with very little family support. I know having a dp doesn't mean your life is perfect or that you're not desperate for a break, but try walking a mile in my shoes. Your child/children are exactly that......yours, and no one else should be expected to look after them. If they do then it's a massive bonus.

JustinBsMum Sat 12-Oct-13 15:53:40

I worked with someone whose DMIL watched the DCs for her whenever she worked, but she would roll her eyes when the said DMIL was mentioned, meanwhile I had travelling DH and a childminder who, as is the norm I think, didn't have DCs when they were ill. I sneaked DD into work once and hid her downstairs blush .

theredhen Sat 12-Oct-13 15:44:18

My ds is now 15 but I have no parents, only child and only an estranged mil who hasn't seen ds since he was 3.

Split with ex husband when ds was 4. Am now with dp but I was living on my own with him for 8 years. Not a penny in maintenance, living in an area which had virtually no childcare. The town is full of several generations of the same families. Nobody else seemed to need childcare!

The only childcare I have ever had was paid for. Occasionally friends and acquaintances would help out but I always seemed to end up paying back several times over. If someone had ds for a few hours after school, I'd end up looking after their two or three kids all day to pay back.

I just feel so sad that ds has had no one else to be there for him. No one else to love him.

When he was 6 he woke me up after having a nightmare. He told me that he urgently needed me to teach him how to drive our car. I asked why and he said because if I died, he needed to be able to drive the car to asda to get food for himself. hmm he had no concept that anyone else would look after him, why would he?

I remember the school getting very sniffy with me. I had a job which was flexible (essential with the lack of childcare in my area), however, the office was an hours drive away. So when ds was sick in school and I told them I would come and pick ds up but I was an hour away, they told me I must nominate a member if my family within 30 minutes away and it was standard policy or something to do so, I explained I had nobody else to help. She was incredulous and I think thought i must be lying.

I got incredibly upset last year when my dp parents couldn't be bothered to come and see ds on his birthday. Dp has 4 kids, who have each other, two parents fighting over them, two sets of grandparents, an aunt and uncle, cousins. I know they're not ds family but I was so upset for him that day. I think I have more issues about it than he does though! He just wants to be gaming all day now he's a grumpy teen. grin

So op yanbu!

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 12-Oct-13 15:29:51

"I think the bit that posters like happymummyofone seem to miss, is that its the fact our children are missing the emotional bond of having loving grandparents in their lives that hurt the most. Of course, practical help would be great and a night off now and then would be amazing, but its the relationships our kids are missing"

Actually the OP was moaning about having no babysitters.

Children can form great bonds without childcare being provided.

I dont "miss the fact" either, my mum died when i was a child so i am well aware of missing relationships. Thankfully DS has other close adults in his life but i dont expect them to provide childcare as why should they? I chose to have a child not them.

imofftolisdoonvarna Sat 12-Oct-13 15:28:00

I am surprised at some of the mean spirited replies on here. Op of course YANBU to be envious of those who have lots of family support. My parents still pretty much both work full time so child care during the day is not really an option, ds goes to a childminder. However when it comes to free time my parents are smitten with ds and are always asking when we are next going out or away so they can have him! Ds is just as emitted back and absolutely loves seeing them. We are incredibly lucky and it's lovely.

Having said all that I have always said that if my parents were retired then I wouldn't ask my mum to have him for more than one day of the week as its not fair on her to commit to that sort of level. However again we have the luxury of being able to afford childcare so again are very lucky in that respect.

I do really feel for you guys who have very little or no family support, it must be crap and all these 'oh you can't just expect help from grandparents' replies are a bit mean - it doesn't mean to say you can't be sad if you don't get that support.

dollywobbles Sat 12-Oct-13 12:10:49

YANBU.

In nearly 4 years, my parents have sat with DS for one hour (when DH was in hospital) and an hour when I went to a funeral. And PIL's have never spent any time alone with him.
My sister, whose children I looked after very regularly from being 6 weeks old (including lots of over nights and weekends), has only met DS about 8 times. Never spent any time alone with him, and I should think never will.
I see that as her loss though, I wouldn't swap the fab relationship I have with her children for anything. And I only have that because I put the effort in.
I don't 'expect' anyone to look after DS, at all. It does annoy me though when both my DSis and DSIL complain about my parents and PILS respectively, when I know that they both get huge amounts of support from them. DBIL and DSIL haven't had to pay for a single day of childcare in 15 years because my lovely MIL helps so much. whereas I had to give up work when DH was in and out of hospital so much we couldn't sort out childcare that fit round my work. But I'm not bitter.
If I didn't see the support given to DSis and DSIL, I don't think I'd care at all that we don't get any.

ssd Sat 12-Oct-13 12:09:07

someone once said to me, when I said we couldn't go to watch the dc's at a tournament, "don't you have any friends you could leave your other children with??", it made me feel really lonely...then when I asked this person who they were leaving their other kids with they said "well , my mum and dad are picking x up from ballet, then my SIL is dropping her off, then MIL is having them overnight, then my cousin in keeping them till we come home"..I just stared at her open mouthed"..bitch!

GrandpaInMyBlender Sat 12-Oct-13 12:04:01

Oh and by treated differently I mean not being able to access healthcare I really needed. Obviously they treated me differently by letting me take dd in the end too so I suppose its horses for courses, thinking about it.

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